Previously on Mistresses, Karen confessed her multitude of sins, Savi decided to give Dom a chance, April’s daughter got kidnapped, and Joss slept with Olivier, despite all the yelling and screaming I did at my TV.
We pick up where we left off, with April in a blind panic about her missing daughter. She storms into Zombie Paul’s motel room, demanding he give Lucy back. However, it’s clear from the look on his undead face, that he has no idea where Lucy is either.
Meanwhile, in a courtroom across town, Karen is waiting for her trial to begin. After reviewing the depositions, the judge turns to the room and says, “You’re kidding me, right? This reads like an episode of Days of Our Lives. Every single one of you has made insanely stupid decisions, so let’s just call it a draw, shall we? Stop wasting everyone’s time.”
Dom calls Savi to tell her that the case got dismissed and Savi is very excited for her friend, but promises to put on a disappointed face when he gets back to the office. While she’s mid-happy dance, Harry’s business manager calls and asks to meet up. He has questions that need answers and Harry isn’t answering his messages. The restaurant is in dire need of money, or else they’ll have to close it. Savi instinctively reaches for her checkbook, but stops herself, telling the business manager that her and Harry are separated now, it will have to be his decision to make.
Speak of the dingo, Harry is at Casa Davis, poking his head into the pool house and asking Joss to go get a hoodie for him in the main house. Joss doesn’t have time for this – she has to go kiss Alex’s feet and beg for forgiveness.
When Joss does show up at Alex’s to grovel, Alex is not very receptive to her apologies. Alex says what she and Joss had isn’t worth fighting for, which hits Joss like an arrow to the heart. She makes the absolute saddest face and Alex must be practicing the devil’s yoga because she can’t possibly have a soul if she got in her car and left Joss standing there with tears in her eyes.
April and Zombie Paul decide to go back to April’s house to see if Lucy had ended up there. When she finds Lucy’s room empty, April finally breaks down and lets the tears she’d been fighting back flow free. Zombie Paul starts to comfort her, when she gets a phone call—the police found Lucy! She’s okay and not kidnapped! She took the bus to Santa Monica and April doesn’t even care how or why right now she just knows that her baby is almost home and her supposed-to-be-dead husband needs to GTFO.
At Karen’s office, the newly free therapist runs into Handsome Jacob. She starts to thank him for everything when the Overenthusiastic Receptionist (still my favorite part of this storyline) forces them to drink champagne to celebrate the fact that Karen didn’t actually succeed in ruining ALL of their lives with her antics. Handsome Jacob politely downs his champagne, without so much as a smile, before excusing himself. Karen is about to leave Overenthusiastic Receptionist alone with the bottle of champagne that was popped in her honor, when she gets a call from the licensing board, unhappy that she has been lying about being qualified to be a therapist all these years.
Police officers finally deliver a very scared Lucy to April’s front door. She had tried to see a concert down by the pier but got turned around on the way, seeing as she’s like 10. April is way too relieved to have her baby back in her arms to even consider telling her all the ways she could have been murdered between here and Santa Monica.
In Joss’s office, Operation Get Alex Back is a bust, apparently, since she is taking Olivier for another spin. After, Olivier says that maybe she should be in charge when he leaves for Paris tomorrow. Cue screeching brake noise. Joss. is. FURIOUS. How dare he start a relationship-ruining affair two days before fleeing the country. Olivier reminds her that he was not the one with a commitment to break. She says she was right the first time she met him and called him L’Douche and that he can take his baguette and shove it.
Savi walks into her office to see Dom shaking hands with some big wigs. He signals to her to wait for him, and when he pulls her into a room, he tells her that he made partner. She’s genuinely happy for him, even though she wanted to be partner, because she knows that she didn’t earn it, since she’s spent more time with the Bad Decision Brunch Club than at the office lately. To celebrate, she offers to take him out on a dinner date.
At April’s, Lucy and April are in the kitchen, an awkward silence pervading the air. April carefully asks Lucy is she’s ready to talk about what happened, to which Lucy politely says she is not. She does, however, ask if this means she can’t go to her friend’s sleepover tonight. April says that a promise is a promise and that she can go, even though she almost got herself murdered a hundred times over not 24 hours ago. As soon as Lucy skips off with delight, April calls an emergency meeting of the Bad Decision Brunch Club.
The ladies, sans Joss, are sitting around the table with shot glasses. Tequila for Karen and April, water for Savi and her fetus. They decide to play Whose Life Sucks More, which, in this group, is going to end up with someone in the hospital. Savi starts by speaking for her absent sister, proving she hasn’t been paying a lot of attention lately, and says, “I’m Joss and I’m sad because my girlfriend dumped me.” They drink to Joss. Karen is next—the board gave her a six month suspension, and her reputation is even worse than it already was. They drink to Karen. Savi goes for herself this time — she’s got baby mama drama up the wazoo. They drink again. Before April can take her turn, she gets a call from Zombie Paul, who is checking in on Lucy. This reminds them what sweet angel-faced April’s life is like and they tell her that an undead husband with a secret demon baby is a total trump card, and she officially wins this round of Whose Life Sucks More. Hooray?
Joss goes to Harry’s restaurant and flirts with the hostess and then a dude at the bar. Harry stops by to ask if she’s okay, since she’s taking tequila shots with strangers in the middle of the day, and she says she’s single and gorgeous and what’s not to be happy about as she takes another shot to dehydrate her tears. Before long, she takes the stranger into the bathroom, but he gets too handsy too fast and things take a turn for the terrifying when she asks him to stop and he tells her to shut up and close her eyes. Thankfully, Harry showed up before things got too horrible and full-body tackles the guy and takes Joss back to the pool house.
In the morning, the sound of Joss throwing up into a wastebasket beside her bed wakes up Harry, who was slumbering on the couch. He teases her about the wretched noise she’s making and she asks him what the hell happened last night—it seems most of the evening is a tequila-tinted blur. He says it’s for the best and asks her again what’s wrong. She tells him that Alex broke up with her and is not shocked at his lack of surprise, she knew no one thought she could do commitment. He finally gives her the dose reality I’ve been trying (to no avail) to shout through my television screen all this time: Joss is not a lesbian. Bless her heart for trying, but the relationship didn’t work because she’s a straight girl. It had nothing to do with being relationship material. Joss is upset because she always considered herself a free spirit, and Harry applauds her for being fearless, for always trying something once – but points out that she just doesn’t know when to call it a loss.