This week Dara Nai gave a great Huddle suggestion that I had to go with. “If your television or a movie screen suddenly became a portal, enabling you to step into and inhabit the world of a show or film, where would you want to go? What would you do there?” She gave some great examples (“Do time and laundry with Alex Vause? Compete in the Hunger Games?”) but our group came up with some other fun additions that I know you’ll be dying to add to.
So group, where would you go and what would you be up to?
Grace Chu: I‘ll just chill at the Food Network and have the option of resurrecting old episodes, like the time Cat Cora won the bourbon battle in Iron Chef America. I’d be a judge, obviously, because you know, noms. Also that particular episode had enough bourbon to stock my cabinet for years, and I’m all about brown liquor.
Kim Hoffman: Of all the TV shows and movies in all the land, I would want to travel back in time to roughly 1991-93 to visit the gang at West Beverly High—into the world of Beverly Hills, 90210. I’d probably be cast as one of Brandon and Brenda Walsh’s cousins from Minnesota. Back in the day, I was just a little kid staying up late with the TV volume down low to watch a racy episode of Dylan McKay making out with Kelly Taylor on the beach while Brenda was away in Paris with Donna (“Donna Martin Graduates!”)
I was a total Kelly girl, who had a raging crush on Dylan (and even as a big ‘ol gay, I can say this because I’m backed by the one and only Kate Moennig, who, when questioned by Tegan and Sara for their “Heartthrob” interviews on who she crushed on growing up, said Dylan!) I can picture sitting in the corner of the Peach Pit with David Silver while we chat about his cassette tape rap demo he just recorded, breezing by the Blaze room to catch Andrea and Brandon hot on a newspaper lead, cruising in Steve Sanders’ Corvette on our way to an underground rave (with an egg, to trade for the address).
Mostly, I can picture sitting in Casa del Walsh while Cindy scoops up some ice cream for me after a major heartbreak, but what I’d be most down for is a ride on the back of Emily Valentine’s motorcycle—who I’d so hit on. Line dancing in Scott Scanlin’s living room, high-waisted acid wash jeans, Color Me Badd, beach cabanas, and sexy love triangles—bring me into the West Bev fold
Chloe: World of Gossip Girl, Blair Waldorf’s penthouse, I would buy everything, take a private jet, hook up with Vanessa AND Jenny, and yell at anyone who irritated me.
Eboni Rafus: This is the one question I don’t have to think about at all. One word: Scandal. I would love to be transported to world of Olivia Pope and Associates as Olivia’s long lost sapphic love in need of “fixing.” Perhaps I broke her heart in college or law school and years later, when I hire her to do some publicity work for me, I realize how wrong I was to have left her and attempt to win back her love. I’d start off a a guest star but will quickly get added as a series regular once the audience gets hooked on the natural chemistry I have with Kerry Washington.
Jill Guccini: My first gut instinct is Harry Potter, duh, but Heather will write something about it that will make us all cry so I’ll leave it to her. Sorry Heather, there is apparently a lot of pressure building on you for this one.
My second choice is Stars Hollow. Gilmore Girls is my go to comfort food, no matter how annoying Rory gets, because I want Stars Hollow to actually exist for real and after watching just even 10 minutes of a rerun, I believe that does. Perhaps I’m so attached because it makes me feel wistful for what the bucolic small town I grew up in actually could have been like, if only the oppressiveness was stripped away and a Laurelai Gilmore was added in.
Also I know we’re only supposed to choose one, but THIS IS IMPOSSIBLE SORRY NOT SORRY, my last choice would be the Huxtables house. I would be friends with Denise, duh, and would drop by after school for some life advice from Clair and maybe MAYBE Heathcliff would allow me to occasionally accompany the family to some jazz clubs downtown.
Karman Kregloe: I’d jump inside of Forgetting Sarah Marshall, where I could enjoy the Hawaiian sunsets with Mila Kunis.
Dana Piccoli: Rosewood. Now, hear me out. By day, I’d coach the Rosewood Drama Club, by night, I’d be the proprietor of The Rosebud, Rosewood’s most popular lesbian bar. I’d get to wear the coolest lesbian clothes thanks to Mandi Line, and maybe even get to make a few pink drinks for Ashley Marin. Cost of living would be dirt cheap because, hello, it’s like the Hellmouth. I know that I would probably not last a week, or be drafted by the A team, but c’mon! I’d go out in a blaze of glory, redcoat and all.
Lucy Hallowell: I would go to Kate Mosely’s house in The Cutting Edge. She had her own rink for Pete’s sake. And while I don’t think my scrawny ass could pull off the Pamchenko Twist, this hockey player would be willing to brave the tope pick and give “finger painting” a try for my giant teen crush on Moira Kelly.
Bridget McManus: Is it wrong that I want to be Eddie Murphy in the opening scenes of Coming to America? Not that I need female servants to scrub my genitals for me, but having the option would be nice.
Marcie Bianco: I’d be a Goonie. Who wouldn’t? Excitement. Adventure. “Pinchers of Power” and Cyndi Lauper. Oh, and “goonies don’t die.”
Elaine Atwell: The only answer for me is Harry Potter. I mean, I seriously considered Lord of The Rings, because I would love my life to have the epic sweep and seriousness of those movies, but my choices would be so limited as a human women (I am so very human and so very un-elvish), and I would most likely either be slain by an orc or forced to marry some rando, which are equally horrible fates.
Harry Potter appeals as a world, not just because I want to ride a Firebolt (although I do), or because I want to curl up in an armchair in the Gryffindor common room (although I do with all my heart), but because it is a moral universe in which I feel safe, and in which it is actually possible to know the difference between right and wrong. Plus, all J.K. Rowling‘s background characters are so well drawn, that you get the sense that everyone at Hogwarts, not just Harry and friends, have interesting, fulfilling lives. Oh and I’d also like to try and catch Madam Rosmerta’s eye. I’m a sucker for curvy ladies serving butterbeer.
Punky Starshine: I would go into the land of Orphan Black, because then, not only would I be living in world where everyone was Tatiana Maslany, but then I could clone myself and send my clones to Rosewood, Hogwarts, Sunnydale, the Fae universe, Warehouse 13, and the version of New York where Santana Lopez exists.
Dara Nai: I wouldn’t mind living on Battlestar Galactica because in the future, I’d get to be a space fighter pilot, and layer a sleeveless t-shirt with a tank top like Kara Thrace, and not look like I’m just on an incredibly butch softball team. Also, drawing on my lesbian dating experiences, I would be really good at distinguishing the good and real humans from the beautiful but evil Cylons. I would want a cool callsign like “Starbuck” or “Apollo,” though. I wonder if “Assripper” or “Stinkeye” are taken.
Then again, who needs to live in a dystopian world with low water pressure and fake food when I can step into the rarefied world of Revenge? God knows I love the Hamptons and pretty girls with hidden agendas. It would be fun to talk like the Graysons, in that ridiculous way no real wealthy person talks. I would pepper my conversation with phrases like, “It seems serendipity has prevailed yet again,” and “Why Emily, your timing is most fortuitous. We were just about to partake in these canapes,” and “I do so much enjoy your presence, almost as much I am enjoying the autumnal topiary.”
Nicole Schultz: I would step into the medical examiner’s office of Maura Isles. But I would want to replace Susie as a lab assistant. Instead of constantly interrupting special moments between Jane and the good doctor, I would enable them. “Test results are in and it says you two should make out.”
Trish Bendix: This might sound wild, but I choose The L Word BECAUSE the writers that exist on that show (Alice and Jenny) get to go hang out and write at the Planet all day and then go see Sleater-Kinney, Goldfrapp and Heart by night. In my free time I’d be going to my friend’s art shows, watching their pro tennis matches and wearing fierce outfits while going to see drag king shows. I’ll also take a super rich friend like Helena who will pay for me to go to Whistler whenever I want and I totally trust Shane to do my hair.