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“Real Housewives of New Jersey” recap (5.13): New Age

Cooking Store

Kathy and Teresa contemplate cooking supplies like the nurturing examples of traditional womanhood they are. Teresa feels validated by a stranger named Penny who said that Teresa did not try to spread rumors about her sister in law, Melissa, cheating on her husband. It doesn’t take much. Teresa recaps the hair product party drams, and Kathy hears all about how Melissa talked to both Penny and Jan about rumors. At the end Melissa was just “You’re lying, but I don’t care,” an unusually calm move for any RH.

Melissa’s House

Melissa and Joe pack for the spa trip/worst birthday present ever. Joe Gorga, who planned the trip, is now not so excited to go with Teresa because he suspects Teresa is shady as fuck. Joe is suspicious of Teresa because she tried so hard to make everyone say she was innocent, while also hovering around any conversation that might involve her. By dominating the conversation, Teresa insured that the conversation didn’t catch up with her. Solid move, but one that screams guilt. Innocent people don’t act that damn guilty.

Kathy’s House

Rich is being odious. Quelle surprise. “Look at me!” he actually shouts, shimmying around in a pair of old pants that he claims hasn’t fit for years. Sex and the City called, they want their moment back. “It’s be cold at night, kind of like my life,” Rich guffaws horribly and his wife Kathy is like “Please stop.”

Caroline’s House

Caroline is like “Ohhh stop” as her husband gets grabby. Oh husbands and their urges HAHAHAHAHA honey I have a headache boys will be boys sometimes I feel like he’s the kid etc.

Teresa’s House

Teresa holds up different skimpy bikinis and giggles about wanting to look like Daisy Duke while her daughters stare. It’s nice that a woman Teresa’s age is that confident with their body, and I do enjoy seeing miserable middle schoolers like Gia cringe at everything. The best part of having a teen girl must be annoying the unpleasant, sensitive little monsters. They are annoyed by everything you do, so why not go for the gold? Torture your beloved teenage spawn with the same zeal with which they torture you.

Airport

Everyone arrives together excepts for Jacqueline, Caroline, and their husbands. The four are stuck on an extended layover and, like most of us, are whiny messes. They will be whiny messes for 16 hours. Lulz.

Arizona

The gang is sweaty and tired. Welcome to Arizona. We catch a glimpse of Rosie for the first time this episode. She looks sweaty and tired as well. Birthday girl Melissa is bummed because she’s getting sick. Teresa keeps finding bugs crawling up her white denim. Everyone is still hot and quickly realizing that bugs can and will get everywhere. Rich talks mad shit like an ungrateful little git, but everyone else is secretly thinking “this is not our ideal habitat” and in that they are correct.

Teresa does push ups in a bikini by the pool just because. Rich starts bitching about his free four-star accommodations. Joe Gorga says Rich “must be having his period.” (LIKE A WOMAN hahaha! Make me sandwich, on the rag, get back to the kitchen etc.) Rich tells Melissa she has camel toe and everyone is like WTF because Rich is really out horrible-ing himself this trip. It’s almost like he’s trying.

The gang gets shwasty on red wine in martini glasses (plebs) and throw pillows at an errant bat that intruded on their minimalist oasis. I love bats FYI because I am from Florida and made friends with a baby one in a swamp tree once. We need to send this lot to Florida, but the real Florida (aka North Florida). Or maybe a nice trek up Machu Picchu. Or the Republic of Congo. Too far? Or an excellent opportunity for some dark humor?

Can we talk about Rosie’s outfit? She looks like a gay male hanger-on at Warhol’s Factory. Look at that hair. That is early Beatles hair. The fitted red and white polka dot jacket is beyond mod. I appreciate that she’s trying though, if only to try to channel Jackie O. The evening entertainment arrives: Tina Powers, “Energist.” Lawd. Powers is also a medium because she is a woman of many imaginary talents. She “hears voices from another dimension from people who are dead, but not dead.” First she says she’s hearing a “J, J like John,” and they were like “Maybe Giuseppe?” but Giuseppe starts with a G so no one knows nothin’ about a dead named John. Tina hears a new name. “Ma, Marion or Maria. Does anyone know someone named Maria?” Yeah that’s right a medium uses her powers to tell a group of Italians that a dead person named “Maria” is reaching out to them. Brilliant.

Juicy J: My grandmother’s name is Maria.

Medium Energist Tina Powers: She’s trying really hard to let you know she’s still around.

Juicy J: Well my grandmother is still around. She’s alive.

OMG. What a moment. When the cast of RHONJ outwit you, you know you’re dumb. Tina starts talking about Melissa’s birthday. She tells Melissa and Teresa that there has been trouble between them based on confusion and misunderstanding, and they should try harder to bond and trust.

Tina Powers clearly has deep connection with Wifi.

Medium strikes gold when she zeros in on Rose and Kathy’s dead father. The two begin crying as Tina Powers goes on and on about how debilitating the illness was, and how much he loved them, and general sad dead dad things. Rich, Rosie, and Kathy are convinced and openly weeping. Everyone is drunk and vulnerable, or at least feigning empathy, so it’s a nice evening for everyone as they cry about their issues and listen with wide, focused eyes. Rosie talks about how sweet and affectionate her father was toward her, even though her was in many other ways a traditional Italian father. Kathy always felt sad and a little resentful that her father never showed that much affection toward her, but after hearing the medium speak Kathy feels much better. Teresa, whose father had been sick recently, listens and connects with her cousins about the love they feel for their fathers.

Day 3 In Arizona

Sickly Melissa is coughing and choking down enormous pills. Her sickness seems to have gotten worse. Joe Gorga says, “My wife is always sexy, I’ll catch all her diseases.” Aww. The spa really is gorgeous, with modern structure and pale yet colorful decor. Very modern new age. Which is also the theme for this episode. The gang, sans Melissa, is going hiking. No matter how much you like hiking (not that much for me), hiking through the Arizona desert sounds too hot to be authentically enjoyable for more than 15 minutes. Rich observes “Dude, I feel like this is where people actually go to die.” While the rest trek through beautiful terrain and crushing warmth, Melissa lies by the side of the pool and is very sad she cannot join the rest of the group. So, so sad. Devastated really.

They reach a circle of large metal objects and sit, preparing to feel things. Pamela Lancaster, a ‘Traditional Healer,” is there to guide their spiritual awakening. Each person writes down what they’re ready to let go of and toss it into a super glam bronze bowl to be burned. Pamela burns sage and bangs on a gong when the moment deserves emphasis. This part actually looks pretty fun. Caroline goes first, and then one by one the gang attempts to out meaning each other. There are tears from the women and also Joe Gorga.

Kathy tries really hard, but in the end it’s old pro Teresa who wins the prize of “most effect on others whether real or faked.” Jacqueline gets one sentence out before breaking into sobs. Teresa’s waves are oddly, creepily perfect. Teresa is upset because everyone’s papers were about issues with her, which is pretty awkward. She calls up Jacqueline, Joe Gorga, Kathy, and then the whole damn gang for an epic group hug. Say what you will about Teresa, the woman has charisma. She’s like an evil empress you just can’t stop letting oppress you. Jacqueline, in particular, is unable to resist Teresa’s friend charms. The two go off to cry and forgive some more. And then, like always, Teresa’s charm is breached by veiled cruelty and imperceptible judgement.

Teresa: Karma comes back to you and if it doesn’t come back to you, it comes back to your kids.

Jacqueline’s smile fades and she goes quiet. When Teresa and Jacqueline were fighting, (a fight Teresa believes was caused by Jacqueline’s betrayal) Jacqueline gave birth to an autistic son. Is Teresa’s comment an off-hand remark influenced by their new age surrounding? Or subtle implication?

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