Previously on Pretty Little Liars, Paige threw Emily a surprise party and tried to give her the gift of dead Jenna and future Olympics gold medals, but Emily’s been acting like a real grouch ever since she had to start rescuing everyone she loves from cars driving into them, so she did not reward Paige’s efforts with puffy drapes. Pastor Ted hocked the church bell for one million dollars, which he used to bail Ashley out of jail after Mona confessed to killing Wilden. Spencer went back to Radley to chat with Eddie Lamb about Marion Cavenaugh and discovered that Wilden, who falsified information in Marion’s death investigation, was a crooked jerky jockey long before he blackmailed Ashley Marin into sexual slavery. And Aria convinced Kung Fu Jake to break his ninja-client privilege and explain why Mike signed up for self-defense classes down at It’s Tang Soo Do Time. And then he took of his shirt and she lost her mind.
The Liars have skived off class to tiptoe around the hallway and discuss the possibility that it really was Cece Drake who tried to drown Jenna in Face Lake at Emily’s birthday party. It would be a lot easier to know for sure if it was Cece Drake if they could actually find Cece Drake and talk to Cece Drake, but Toby’s been following Tippi the Bird’s feather trail up and down the eastern seaboard for weeks now with no luck, and that phone number Caleb stole from Nigel just rings and rings and rings with no answer at all. Emily comes to a screeching halt in the middle of the hallway, gasps aloud, gawks at her phone. The Liars think it’s just another A text, but oh, no. This is much better. Much, much, much better. Mrs. DiLaurentis has texted to offer Emily respite from her homelessness. She is welcome to move into the bedroom where her first two murdered girlfriends once lived.
Emily doesn’t want to do it because that house is a lesbian death trap of epic proportions. And plus there’s metaphorical ghosts in that place and literal ghosts in that place and Mrs. D shuffles around there all day and all night, rattling chains and whistling phone numbers and wearing Ali’s old clothes. But the Liars say she has to do it because there’s no telling how many clues Ali hid in the stuff she knew her mom would use to set up her post-death shrine. They’re so excited about it, in fact, that they get kind of loud. Aria asks them to please keep it down because she doesn’t want to get in trouble for skipping class because she still wants to graduate. Since she’s the only one who will actually survive the next three months, it’s a valid concern for her.
After the Liars split-up, Spencer spots Ezra trying to break into his own classroom. She asks if he wants some help, or to come to one of her lock-picking seminars some time, and he looks at her like she has three heads or something, bursts into tears, grabs his messenger bag and runs away sobbing.
Hanna accosts Caleb and asks him why he’s at school instead of in Philly staking out that P.O. Box that is attached to that phone number that was in that phone that Caleb and Toby pick-pocketed from Nigel. Caleb goes, “HOT SPOT FIREWALL BANDWIDTH CAPTCHA ETHERNET HYPERTEXT GIGABYTE, HANNA!” Translation: He’s got a physical address in Philly for the apartment where Cece Drake probably lives and watches cable television.
Aria meets Kung Fu Jake at the Brew to show him some Kung Fu action shots she took of him doing Kung Fu. He’s so pleased with them that he wishes he’d had them sooner so he could have submitted them to the photo program of tonight’s Kung Fu game. Sadly, the game he is talking about is not that underground fight club where Holden almost got his heart exploded, but a legitimate, professional battle of martial arts. They do that thing you do when you’re first dating someone that’s like: “Oh, that sounds cool.” “Do you want to come?” “Do you want me to come?” “Do you want me to want you to come?” Aria decides that yes, she will attend. Probably those guys take their shirts off, right? One more chance to see Jake naked and it’s not like her best friends need any moral support tonight or anything, what with Hanna wanting to break into Radley to do who knows what with Mona and Emily sleeping in the bedroom of all her dead girlfriends. They’re good. They’re fine. Tang Soo Do it is!
Dr. Wren Kingston is back at Radley to do Mona’s mental evaluation. Where was your sexy/creepy British ass when Emily needed a doctor who wouldn’t report her parents to the authorities, dude? He’s giving Mona a test to see if she’s a sociopath, showing her drawings of humans having emotions and seeing if she can register what they’re feeling. For example, this one family of farmers is grinning and tossing their child around in the air. Mona’s like, “They’re happy. They’re a happy family. All happy families are the same, right? Isn’t that what Tolstoy said? Anyway, just out of the frame is the ghost of a girl wearing a mask of her own face and tossing a lighter onto a bale of hay while her twin-prop airplane whirs in the background and a wing-camera records the impending fire storm.” Wren says he knows Mona is keeping secrets. Mona says she’s locked ’em in her pocket, gonna take ’em them to the grave. He’s like, “You’re off your meds.” And she’s all, “And you’re off your game.”
He doesn’t think she killed Wilden, but she doesn’t give a red-coated fuck what he thinks. Radley is her candy store and he’s just the guy who shelves the peanut butter. “Wotcher!”