On this episode of Hoarders… You know, I resisted that show for years and years and years and then one bored Friday night I ran upon a marathon and, BOOM, hooked. As horrifying as it is to watch the depth of filth that can consume humanity, I always feel delightfully superior about the cleanliness and lack of skeletal cat remains at my own place. Oh, and there are also no recently bludgeoned-to-death bodies in my basement. So there’s that.
In a non-hoarder and seldom-used apartment elsewhere in Boston, Maura bursts impatiently through the front door. Not bothering to knock on account of having each other’s keys and basically living with each other already is kind of their thing, in case you hadn’t noticed.
Maura tells Jane to hurry it up, they’ve already had sex 1,200 times this morning and now they’re running late. That’s what I heard and you can’t convince me otherwise. A still disheveled Jane comes in, cranky about not getting a shower first. Sure, you’ll be sweaty all day, but you’ll also smell like her all day. So sometimes skipping that post-coital shower has its perks – am I right, ladies?
Jane’s building manager waltzes into her apartment without knocking as they’re about to leave. Who does he think he is, Maura? Jane grills him on her lack of running water for the past two days and – most important – lack of ability to make coffee. Though, on the plus side, she has delicious molasses for her pancakes.
Manager Gil makes sure to get a good long look at Jane’s boobs as he walks past. You can’t really blame the man. Maura agrees and says 47 percent of men stare at women’s breasts during a conversation. But it’s also a fact that 100 percent of Mauras stare at Jane’s breasts all the time. See kids, statistics can be fun.
Tommy comes in next, because it’s Everyone Burst Into Jane’s Apartment Day. My theory is they all know she’s already always at Maura’s house. So why even bother knocking. He has returned with Jo Friday and a bag of poo. So thoughtful. I like to bring flowers and wine when I visit, but now I’m really reconsidering my host gift options. To prove the numbers from before, he stares intently at Maura’s ladies. Though, to be fair, it would be disrespectful not to pay homage to the Rack of God while in its presence.
Maura takes Jane to a cafe so Det. Grumpy Bear can finally get her coffee. Alas the sweet elixir of life continues to prove elusive to Jane as customer after customer receive their orders before her. Some lady in dark-rimmed glasses (who, it should be noted, also got her order before Jane) tries to hit on Maura at the milk-and-sugar bar. Look, lady, trying to bond over leaf-based sugar substitutes won’t work. You’ve seen Det. Jane Rizzoli, right?
Jane finally gets her coffee and is blocked from the sugar by Wannbe Alex Vause (Look, I know Alex Vause. Alex Vause is a friend of mine. Honey, you are no Alex Vause). She then becomes the 7 millionth person in the episode to call Jane some variation of impatient/cranky/rude. And then she proceeds to be impatient/cranky/rude by continuing to block the milk-and-sugar bar. As they finally cross paths they bump into each other sending Jane’s coffee onto her chest. Or did she throw her coffee on purpose? I mean, Wannabe was flirting with Maura earlier.
Wannabe Alex Vause accuses Jane of doing it on purpose and being a terrible person who stomps on puppies and scalds kitties for kicks. Jane apologizes profusely and pats the woman’s chest with paper towels. For the record, this is exactly the face you should make after Jane touches your boobies.