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“The Fosters” recap (1.9): “You had me at lesbian”

Previously on The Fosters every member of the family went around tempting the fates, calling on the gods to smite them, and asking for more trouble than they ever imagined. Brandon whined that he doesn’t have enough pain to play the piano. Stef told Lena’s meddling ex that she’d never had to shoot someone and then left the house without kissing Lena good-bye or saying “I love you.”

This week we pick up where we ended last week. Stef and Mike sweep Ana’s house, room by room, the tension reaching near excruciating levels because we know what’s coming. We know someone will fire shots and we can only imagine who will be on the receiving end. Stef sweeps a room and then they split, each taking a room by themselves. Pop! It starts but we don’t know who is shooting for a split second. Mike rushes into the room and fires at Mr. Weed Wacker hair who slumps to the floor. Stef is lying on the ground, bleeding and trying to talk to Mike. He calls for help and 663 Coronado Street is burned into my mind like P. Sherman 42 Wallaby Way, Sydney. Jesus is standing outside a broken phonebooth with money in his hand. Fine, he’s just waiting for Ana to come trotting up to him outside the women’s shelter he found online. Ana says she had to climb out a window to get away from her boyfriend otherwise she totally would have been more punctual. She’s twitchy and weepy, per usual. Jesus tells her she’ll be safe in the shelter She asks him for money and he hands her whatever he has in his wallet.

Back in the world of before, before you know that the love our your life is lying on the floor of a dingy house with a bullet in her gut. Back in the world where anything seems important, even two teenagers’ shenanigans, Lena is lecturing Mariana. She wants to know why would she go behind Lena’s back to contact Ana when she knew Lena was trying to work out a way for them to meet? Jesus interrupts the lecture with a phone call. He lies about being with Lexi at the movies and Lena asks if he’s at Ana’s. He sighs and says he’s downtown and Lena and Mariana head for the car to pick him up. On the way to the door Lena calls and leaves a message for Stef that Jesus isn’t at Ana’s and to call back.

Lena’s phone rings in the car as they are picking Jesus up. Mike’s tone is all wrong for an “everything is okay” call and Lena takes the phone off of speaker. He starts to talk and her face tells us we’re no longer in the world of before. This week the normally heartwarming beginning feels different, like it’s taunting us with its comfort. Because somehow “remember your chores” and “homework!” don’t seem that important. Brandon comes home from the concert and finds Callie alone in the house. They fill time exchanging awkward chit chat about their dates. A knock at the door reveals two cops in uniform. One of whom knows Brandon and says that Mike has been trying to call Brandon all night. Why wasn’t he answering his phone? Dude, piano boy knows better than to leave his phone on ring for a concert. Brandon asks if his dad is all right and the cops just look at each other. Guys, deliver the telegram of Jimmy Duggan will throw you out of this locker room.

In the hospital Stef is on a backboard being lifted onto a gurney in the ER. The doctors talk to her and talk doctor around her. She’s got a possible collapsed lung, they pass a tray across the screen covered in syringes. Her chest is covered in blood. The machine’s beeps pick up as the scene progresses. Someone says “come on Stef” before we cut to a shot of Lena striding into the ER.

Mike is hunched over the reception desk, his hands clasped like maybe he thinks praying could help. Lena wants to know what happened. Mike says there was a guy with a gun and Lena says “and where were you?” They’re interrupted by a doctor who comes out, thinks Mike is married to Stef. He corrects her and Lena says she’s Stef’s domestic partner. Once that’s sorted out the doctor begins telling them what is happening. She tosses around phrases like “trauma team,” “lost a lot of blood,” and “we’re doing our best.” None of which comforts us or Lena. Mariana asks if Ana was there and Jesus says no, she was with him. Mariana tells the adults not to be mad at Jesus, it wasn’t his fault. Nice of her to think about taking some blame for once. Neither MIke nor Lena say anything before Captain Roberts steers the twins to the chairs. Lena watches them walk away with a look that is a swirl of anger and fear and confusion.

The twins are sitting off to the side and start sniping at each other about whose fault it was that their mom got shot. Brandon walks in and hugs Lena. The doctor pops out and says that Stef is stable and that they need to move her but that Lena can see her. Brandon glowers at the twins and Roberts tells Mike he can’t see Stef until he talks to internal affairs. Mike blusters about it being a clean shoot and the boss reminds him that there are other things going on, like why the hell were they at the house in the first place? The doctor leads Lena back into the ER and she sort of creeps in. There are bloody bandages on the floor and the person standing by Stef flips a drape over the wound in Stef’s chest as Lena gets closer. Lena grabs Stef’s hand and tells her they are all there and that the kids are fine. We get the first flashback of the episode. Lena holds out her hand to a very flustered Stef. Both have dated hair and dated clothes and the stilted conversation of people who are surprised to have encountered perfection on what otherwise seemed like a regular day in San Diego. Stef stumbles over an explanation of where her husband is, but, sure, she would be happy to let Lena show her around Brandon’s new school. Lena’s back in the waiting room telling everyone Stef is fine, she’s good. She’s trying to disguise her terror at seeing Stef with a tube down her throat and a gash in her chest. She’s keeping to together until the reception lady asks for Mrs. Foster’s insurance information. Lena snaps at her but regroups and leaves to fill out the paperwork. Brandon fills the void by asking Mike why Stef wasn’t wearing her vest. Mike gets pulled away to talk to internal affairs and Brandon turns on the twins. Callie tries to step in but he lights them up. He thought they wanted nothing to do with their birth mother, he thought they said she was a drug addict and a con artist. He says that because of them his mom got shot. They took the twins in when no one else wanted them. Callie tells Brandon to walk away. “He’s just scared, he doesn’t mean it” she tells the twins.

Mike’s talking to the internal affairs guys who want to know why they were there and if it was a personal matter why is he in uniform? Mike answers and they want to know if maybe they were there to intimidate the birth mother who just wanted to contact her kids. Mike snaps that Stef and her partner adopted the kids and the guys ask him if his wife’s a lesbian? He says she’s his ex-wife and doesn’t understand what any of this has to do with the shooting. We just want to know the dynamics they say. Until Stef can talk to internal affairs, Mike is getting two cops to babysit so he can’t talk to her. Mike says it’s was a clean shoot. He’s said that twice now.

Brandon sits down next to Lena. She asks where everyone else is and he says, “Well I was a dick to everyone down there so they’re taking their time.” He confesses that he knew Mariana was in touch with her birth mom but that he thought it was a one time thing just to give her money. Lena says, “So you knew she was the one selling Jesus’ meds?” Brandon says he should have told them but that he didn’t think. Lena tells him this is what happens when people don’t think. There are plenty of guilty feelings to go around tonight, thanks for making sure everyone got some, Lena. Mariana asks Callie where Jude is. Finally, someone notices the little Yoda is missing. Yoda is teaching Connor how to use a light saber at a sleepover and Callie didn’t want to interrupt. Jesus asks Mike if they found Ana at the women’s shelter. Mike says she went in and then left but she won’t get far on the few bucks Jesus gave her. Jesus asks if Mike shot Ana’s boyfriend and is pleased when Mike says yes and the guy is dead. Mike tells him it’s never good when someone gets killed.

Who else yelled “TED!” at the screen when you saw the doctor come out? Way to call in an old friend, Peter Paige, way to go. Ted is playing a neurosurgeon (a long way from his accountant/porn king ways). He explains that Stef will need surgery to remove bullet fragments so they don’t migrate to her spinal column. Lena leads the way to ICU but stops to warn them all about the tubes in Stef’s throat “it looks scary, but it’s just there to help her breath.” Sherri Saum is so good in this episode. I know most weeks I just rattle on about her glorious hair and gorgeous face (because I have eyes) but for this episode to pack the punch it does it’s because her performances is so damn good. She manages to convey the mix of concern for her partner while dealing with the reality that being a mom means making sure everyone else is okay even if you just want someone to hold you. Ted tells her that just immediate family can visit. Lena says “Callie, come on,” but Callie opts to stay in the waiting area. They gather around Stef for a moment. Lena tells Stef she’s doing really well before herding everyone out. She asks Brandon to take everyone home so they can get some sleep. He asks to have Mike do it, and Lena tells him that Mike has enough on his plate right now. She’s running on an undercurrent of anger, directed at just about anyone. She tells the twins Brandon is in charge and sends him home to take care of everyone. She wants him to bring her some clothes in the morning. Lena goes back to Stef’s side and lets herself show a few cracks. She tells Stef she’s trying hard to forgive the twins but that’s she’s doing a terrible job of it. Unsaid is her wish for Stef to be okay to help her forgive them. There’s a plaintiveness to her voice, a plea that Stef not leave her to parent their kids on her own.

We travel into another flashback of Stef meeting the twins. She walks past two tiny children at the police station and asks another cop why the kids are there. Their foster parents dropped them off, said they couldn’t take care of them anymore. Stef crumples a little and then hauls out lollipops for the kids. She introduces herself, jokes with them a little, and offers the candy. Jesus takes it and then takes the other one to hand to Mariana who is so shy she doesn’t even look Stef in the face. Stef’s face is as warm as we are used to, creased with concern, and she stops just short of saying “my babies” to these abandoned kids. Back at the house, Mariana is going through the stuff her mom asked her to clean out and there’s no time like guilt time for a little sprucing up. Jesus grabs Mariana’s blanky and then she pulls out the framed poem that the moms gave them on their adoption day. It ends with a line “No we didn’t give you the gift of life/Life gave us the gift of you.” Mariana’s eyes fill with tears and she asks Jesus “What if they don’t want us anymore?”

Brandon is in Stef and Lena’s room staring at Stef’s uniforms. Callie startles him when she walks in and he says he doesn’t know what clothes to pick out for Lena. She moves to the closet and starts talking to him about when his moms asked him if it was okay for the twins to come live with them and he said yes because he figured there was enough to go around. Callie says he doesn’t understand what it’s like not to have enough or to wonder why the people who brought you into the world and were supposed to love you the most didn’t. Her voice carries her emotion as she talks. She pulls it back together to tell him not not be a jackass. Brandon walks downstairs and apologizes to the twins for being an ass. He tells them that they are his brother and sister and that their moms are their moms. Callie smiles as she hears them talking. They’re all startled by a knock on the door. After Jesus arms himself with a Little League trophy they open the door to find the Judicorn. Connor’s parents told him what happened and he just really wanted to be home with everyone. Callie chastises him for sneaking out and walking home in the middle if the night but wraps the little nugget tight in her arms.

All the kids are camping out in the living room. Jude can’t sleep because he’s thinking about his mom. He wakes up Callie and asks if Stef is going to die. Callie assures him that no, she’ll be fine because this family isn’t like theirs, this family is lucky. Brandon overhears the conversation and when he finds Callie making biscuits and gravy the next morning asks her how she ended up in foster care. Callie’s dad drove drunk, crashed into another car and killed her mom, and the people in the other car. He went to prison and she and Jude didn’t have anywhere else to go so they ended up in the foster system. She used to write her dad letters but he stopped answering them. Brandon asks if he’ll come back for her and for Jude when he gets out and Callie says she doubts it. Brandon apologizes and Callie tells him it’s not his fault. He stands up and hovers too close to her and brushes her hair out of her face. Wyatt happens to show up in time to see this cozy little scene through the window. Wyatt has donuts for everyone. Brandon is awkward and says “Thanks, man” taking us back to their first interaction when Brandon bristled at Wyatt calling him “dude” and “bro.” The phone rings, Stef’s going into surgery, and Wyatt has the good manners to look like he’s socking away his jealousy for later. At the hospital everyone is sitting in uncomfortable chairs. Callie and Wyatt escape the land of awkward and Judicorn takes his old soul over to sit next to Lena. He puts his little hand on hers and solidifies the Jacobs kids as the MVPs of the Foster-Adams household. Captain Roberts walks in and talks to Mike. He’s only going to get in a little trouble but he has to quit the drinking. He protests but she tells him the band-aid he put on it before, during the divorce, isn’t enough. He nods and say he’ll take care of it. He stalks off to have a cup of coffee.

It’s flashback time and Mike is sitting in a courtyard having a cup of coffee and waiting for someone. Stef shows up and he tells her that their separation has been a wake up call. He says he hasn’t been present in their marriage for a while and he’s ready to step up. She tells him that counseling won’t work because she can’t love him the way he loves her. She tells him that he’s a good man and a good dad but that she’s gay. “I’m a lesbian,” she says and Mike looks completely lost. She apologizes to him and to herself for not being able to say that before, that it took her so long to be able to accept that she is gay. He asks why now, and she says it’s because she’s met someone. Sometimes we know. We know in a place that we wish didn’t exist. We know who we are but we pretend we aren’t sure. We pretend we don’t know because this, whatever this is, this thing is good enough. For Stef, for a while “good enough” looked like Mike and Brandon. For a while that was enough but then a thing happens and you look up and you see a person, a woman, you see a woman and your heart cracks open. The world is no longer about good enough, it’s about love songs and movies. Now a story of a face that launched a thousand ships means something to you because, by god, now you’ve seen her face and you would find a way to build your own dinghy to track her down if necessary. You know the girl. You remember her face. You probably remember her name. You remember who she was that made the tumblers fall into place, and allowed your locked up little heart to open. You remember where you were when good enough became a thing you were settling for and she, the promise of a life with her, became the only thing you wanted.

Back at the hospital Mike is sitting in his car with a cup in his lap. He pulls out a bottle and pours booze into his cup of coffee and takes a sip.

Wyatt and Callie are sitting outside, she says she hates hospitals and he says she’s using him. He says he doesn’t mind but it’s obvious she cares about Brandon and that she should just got for it. Yeah there are rules but from what he can see she’s a girl who is more scared of putting her heart out there than of getting caught breaking rules. If everything going on doesn’t tell her to seize the day than he doesn’t know what will. She rushes into the hospital, bathed in fluorescent light and is about to talk to Brandon when Talya appears to give him a hug. Callie veers into the waiting room.

Ted comes out at tells Lena that Stef did great and should make a full recovery. Brandon hugs Lena and they linger for a moment. She has shorter, tenser hugs for Mariana and Jesus. Brandon hugs Mike but pulls back, searches Mike’s face and then sniffs Mike’s coffee. Brandon shakes his head and throws the cup in the trash before walking out of the room.

Lena goes into Stef’s room, takes her hand, kisses her forehead, and then drifts back into memory. Flashback Stef is leaning against a car when Lena comes striding over. She tells Stef she’s not going to do this with a married woman. “Women like you are just passing through, this is where I live,” Lena says. Stef says she told Mike and her dad, and most of her friends. She even used the word “lesbian.” She told them all that she met a woman she can’t live without. “I belong with you, Lena.” Lena doesn’t say anything for a minute and Stef hunts for clues in her face and offers “If you’ll have me.” Lena says “You had me at lesbian.” They hold each other nervously, and kiss.

Back in the hospital Stef starts to stir, saying Lena’s name beneath her mask. Stef struggles to get the mask off her face and says “Lena will you marry me?” Lena’s face is brimming with emotion. “I thought you’d never ask,” she says and Stef agrees, “neither did I.” Don’t ever scare me like that again, Lena says, her fear finding the surface now that she has Stef to talk to and doesn’t have to hold herself together for the rest of the world.

The scariest thing about finding the person you want to spend the rest of your life with is the knowledge that you could lose them at any moment. It’s this fear that makes us say “I love you” when we walk out the door even if we’ve just been fighting, even if we’re still mad, even if we aren’t quite feeling it right then because the world is a terrible and cruel place and you don’t want to spend the rest of your life wishing you had just said the words. There are no guarantees of another chance to say “I love you,” we are not guaranteed another kiss, another hug, another laugh that bubbles up inside her and spills over, washing away the words you wish you hadn’t said. We aren’t guaranteed any more chances to hear her voice say your name in a way that makes it sound like music. It’s this that makes falling in love so splendid and so terrifying. It’s walking out onto a wire knowing it could break at any minute.

Stef asks how her babies are, because of course she does. Lena tells her that the kids were scared and Stef says “Mariana.” Lena finds Mariana sitting on a bench outside. Lena doesn’t think that Mariana knew why she went behind their back to get in touch with Ana. She thinks that Mariana wanted more than a supervised visit, she wanted a relationship with the woman who gave birth to her, to know why she gave up the twins, and why she chose drugs over them. Lena says she can’t understand because they chose Mariana and Jesus and the twins chose them back. They may not share DNA but love is what makes a family, not DNA.

Roberts finds Mike and says that they picked up Ana and are bringing her to the hospital to identify her boyfriend. She says she was there for the shooting and climbed out a window. Cop boss wants to know if she would have any different version of the story Mike told her. Mike stomps away, pissed because he did tell the truth this time.

Stef is telling the story to the internal affairs dudes. She answers their questions and corroborates Mike’s story although she doesn’t remember anything from when she was shot until she woke up in the ambulance. Mike’s standing in the hall and tries to talk to Brandon who tells him the only person who would be drinking while Stef was in surgery is an alcoholic. Mike tries to keep Brandon from walking away. Brandon shoves him and the rest of the family comes out in time to hear Brandon say “I’m done with you,” to Mike. On their way out to the parking lot Lena spots Ana and marches over to tell her if she goes near Lena’s kids again it will be the last thing Ana ever does. Not that smart to threaten to kill a lady while she’s being flanked by cops but Lena you’re hot when you’re pissed. Mike walks in to talk to Stef. She tells him it wasn’t his fault, she wouldn’t have waited for back-up because she thought Jesus was in there. He says Ana was claims to have been in the house but he’s not worried about having a witness because it was a clean shoot. Mike says he wishes it had been him, and she says “Me too.” Glad to see that being shot in the gut didn’t affect Stef’s smart mouth. At the Foster-Adams house no one can sleep. Mariana climbs in bed with Lena, Brandon plays piano (which may be why no one can sleep), Callie stares at the ceiling, and Jude looks at a picture of himself as a baby with his mom. Mike walks into an AA meeting in the hospital. Stef lies in her bed and flashes back to the shooting. She sees the first shot, then the bad guy drops the gun and it goes off again. By the time Mike comes in and starts shooting, Evan is unarmed. Maybe it wasn’t such a clean shoot.

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