“Real Housewives of New Jersey” recap (5.9): A New Hope


Welcome to the Haunted Stress Relief Retreat!

Sitting Room


Dr. V, Teresa, And Joe Gorga sit on plush couches and rehash their many, many issues. Tears flow freely from the orange tinted lids of both siblings: crocodile tears from Teresa (who really does resemble a crocodile with that leathered skin) and just a shit ton of tears from Joe Gorga, who possesses all the sensitivity of a pubescent poetess.

Dr. V, that buxom blonde from the sunny slopes of SoCal, suggests Teresa and Joe should spend more time alone. Teresa rejects the suggestion: “I don’t want it to be just us,” the woman whines, “I love Melissa.” Hmm. Does she really? Does Teresa feel love for anyone other than herself and maybe that gilded night of a husband Juicy J? Maybe in love in a different sense, a love expressed through ceaseless torment.

Dining Room

YiaYia Caroline has arrive to save the day with down home sensibility and ginger hued locks. Caroline looks skeptical, as Caroline is wont to look. She is ready to shut shit down and call a hoe out. The first hoe Caroline encounters is Melissa, who takes the Teresa strategy of grabbing any new addition to the group and rapidly explaining why she is right and Teresa is wrong. To be fair to Melissa, Teresa is pretty much always wrong. When Melissa recaps her extravagant “begging for mercy on bended knee” story, Caroline looks nonplussed. “It was over the top,” she barks with the roll of an eye and dismissive flick of the wrist. Caroline is far too world weary for such nonsense. “Everybody’s hands are dirty” she states.

Dr. V comes down, resplendent in cashmere and peroxide. She summons Melissa to the lair of crocodile tears and feelingz.

Sitting Room


Now that Melissa has arrived, Teresa is ready to confess her deep, unwavering love for Melissa and heartfelt regret that Melissa does not appreciate that sisterly adoration.

Teresa: “From the beginning I wanted Melissa to be my sister, but after they got married she rejected me.”
Hmmm. An interesting statement. Could all of Teresa’s malevolent trickery have come from a place of rejection? Did sexxxxy Melissa reject her, only to play the victim when the Empire of Giudice struck back? It’s not impossible.
Melissa: “The problem is Teresa didn’t accept me from day 1.”
Teresa: “So you’ve never tweeted anything mean about me then??”
Dr. V: “Get the fuck off Twitter.”

For real. +5 to Dr. Va Jay Jay..

Melissa: “Teresa told Joe that I married him for money, and that I would leave him for a richer man… [When rumors about Melissa start] Teresa is sitting next to Kim D, and everyone else who starts these rumors about me.”

This is not wrong. Teresa may not start rumors about Melissa, but she finds the people who do start them and makes sure everyone knows what they have to say. When you lay with pigs you’re going to smell like shit and whatnot.

Dr. V: “Teresa, you should know if you’re sitting next to someone saying those things and don’t do anything about it, you’re a dumbass. Take responsibility.”

Damn. That is some truth, because a. Teresa is a dumbass and b. Teresa never takes responsibility for the mistakes she makes, much less the cruelty of others.

And then, in the light of Dr. V’s glassy eyes, something incredible happens. Something unprecedented. Something surreal. Teresa takes responsibility. “Yes,” she admits,”I have done things to hurt you.” The siblings agree to meet halfway, and at Dr. V’s prodding Teresa envelops Melissa in a surprisingly warm hug. Melissa looks miserable, but Teresa beams and for a moment a trace of that bubbly warmth that charmed America in Season 1 shows through. Could this be a turning point? Could Teresa, after much digging, have found a shard left of her pre-fame soul?

Next, Juicy J is summoned. Dr. V prods him and Joe Gorga to talk about the fight from the night before. It’s time for the stout Italian men to make peace(ish). Joe Gorga looks sad; Juicy J looks indifferent. “Please just play along” begs Dr. V, unwilling to accept Juicy J’s studied disinterest. Juicy J don’t play but manages to utter “If I gotta apologize, I might as well apologize now because I can’t sit here for much longer” and gives Joe and Melissa two polite hugs. What a heartfelt apology. “Sorry I betrayed you. Get over it.” A great charmer that Juicy J. Teresa is instantly with visible joy at hearing such an eloquent peacemaking attempt by her cyst-like hubby.


Rosie isn’t wearing a pageboy hat and looks like a less-dashing Rachel Maddow. Yay for style progress! RoRo, Rich, And Kathy watch Dr. V leave with mixed emotion; Rich and Rosie ogle her tits while a butt hurt Kathy complains about not getting a shot and therapy with Dr. V. “I wanted to address certain issues, but I guess I’m not that important” Kathy remarks bitterly. And so Dr. V flees to the west with her furs, satisfied by yet another job well done.

Dining Room

All the women (except for lesbian spinster Rosie) sit around the table and discuss the day’s events. Kathy, clearly desperate for attention, apologizes once again for insulting Teresa’s God-like father. Then she fumes about Teresa insulting HER father. In yet another surprising twist, Teresa apologizes to Kathy. And all is well! For now.



“We gotta find a liquor store because this shit ain’t cutting it for me” Rosie says, cupping a half empty glass of single malt scotch whiskey. I have never found Rosie more attractive. A girl who can day drink is a girl who can get it. Rosie and the boys load into an enormous black SUV and tramp off to go ice fishing (while drinking). They will literally be on thin ice.

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