Sophia and Sister Ingalls are running auditions for the Christmas Pageant, but they are having artistic differences. Sister Ingalls does not recall a juggler in the Nativity Scene. That’s the problem with those abridged editions of the New Testament. Sister Ingalls probably doesn’t even know about the sword swallower, the carpet cleaner, and She Who Can Solve Rubik’s Cubes Really Fast.
The Chaplain says the show can either be a collaboration that Sophia and the Sister create, or the Chaplain can take over and make it zoning-regulations boring. The Sister and Sophia say they’ll make it work.
Murphy can moonwalk! Sort of. Nichols (Hi, Nichols!) starts to tell a joke. I think Chang is dancing? God, this must have been so fun to shoot. Doggett’s minion makes animal noises. Morello sings in such a marvelously terrible falsetto that I really think she should get in. Big Boo jazzcats a carol. Yoga Jones has a more simple interpretation, but could perhaps use a little flair? Cindy beatboxes “Jingle Bells.” I kinda like it. The Goth Latina Twins have created an original interpretive dance. DeMarco (Remember her?) does kind of a lounge jazz version of “Jingle Bells” and it ain’t half bad. Hey, Taystee can sing! And, oh, joy, Crazy Eyes dances. I really thought she’d do a classical monologue, but she’s going for it. Crazy Eyes contains multitudes.
We run through the end of some of the auditions — really, they are all marvelous — and then we learn that Crazy Eyes was actually ice skating. Are we agreed that we’re all fond of Crazy Eyes now? Because awesome. Nichols finishes a joke, and it’s the punchline to the same inappropriate joke that Red used on the mean glamour ladies back in Episode 2. Well played, show. Ingalls doesn’t get it. Sophia giggles, and the Chaplain laughs her ass off.
Doggett preaches. She would like to play an angel. And she notes that she has already played farm animals twice and now this is her time.
Chapman buttonholes Healy. She wants a marriage request form. Healy corrects that she doesn’t just need a form; she needs a form and his approval, and she can go fuck herself.
So it looks like Chapman has accepted Larry’s proposal/panic ultimatum. I know this show has been setting this whole thing up as a choice between Alex and Larry, but I wish Chapman would think about option 3: Neither. Maybe be alone for a while and do a little soul-searching? Maybe she should give Nichols a second look? Well, unless Nichols and Morello get back together. I’d never want to stand in the way of that.
Caputo wants Red out of the kitchen effective immediately. Red isn’t budging — without produce, she’s got a hell of a lot of Christmas dinner to re-plan. Silent Norma listens to Caputo threaten Red.
O’Neill brings Mendoza in. Mendoza has been reassigned to the kitchen as head cook. (Wait, Norma and Murphy don’t get to move up?) Mendoza immediately asks if she can bring in her own people. Dang, did someone just open all the freezer doors? Red says this place is going to fall apart without her.
Figueroa is trying to make her smile not look evil as she talks to Bennett. He tries to explain his drug bust. Bennett, the King of Planning, tells her that he searched the produce boxes before they ever got on to the prison grounds or into the kitchen. Oh, Bennett. Figueroa explains that since he found the drugs off prison grounds, he has not, in fact, found drugs on the prison grounds. Which makes him the one who brought them on.
Figueroa tells Bennett that she knows he’s one of the good guys. And that she would hate to see him get into trouble by filling out a report on his mishandled drug bust. And how would he like a little raise?
Larry announces that he and Chapman are getting married right away, while she’s still inside. Ma and Pa Bennett are not thrilled. Pa Bennett says maybe Piper will be different (or dead) when she gets out, and Ma Bennett suggests Larry might meet someone in the meantime. Just in case you think things only get frosty in prison. Ma Bennett is not into the bisexuality or the history of drug running. (Boo, Ma Bennett, and yay, Ma Bennett.) Pa Bennett thinks Larry just wants Chapman because she’s exotic and exciting. Does she make him feel good about himself? (Hey, Pa Bennet, could you talk to Chapman about Alex?)
Ma and Pa Bennett want to know was the rush is. What, does Larry think she might meet someone else?