Previously on Mistresses, Karen got stalked by Sam, Joss got kissed by Alex, Dom got punched by Harry, and April got punk’d by Paul.
Speaking of Paul, he’s just all up on April’s front porch, super casual, like she hasn’t thought he was dead for three years. He stays calm, cool, and collected while he tries to explain that he faked his own death. She gets a phone call that her daughter is on the way home from school, sick, and she literally starts flailing around. She tells Paul that he needs to GTFO before Lucy gets home and that he can explain himself later. Maybe. At Casa Davis, Savi and Harry flirt a little in the kitchen. She’s shy and nervous and takes this opportunity to tell him that she has a six week checkup today that maybe he wants to go to. Harry says he’ll go next time, when he has more than two minutes notice, and Savi gets a glimmer of hope in her eyes.
Meanwhile, Joss and Alex are shopping, because if Joss is going to be crashing for a while, she needs to make sure the place is up to her real estate agent standards. While they’re joking about rugs and before Joss can make a dirty joke, they run into Sally. Alex starts to freak because it’s the first time she’s seen her ex since the breakup, but Joss assures her that she looks gorgeous and not to worry. Sally waves around her new, bitchfaced, clingy “friend” Story (like a bedtime story-for prostitutes) like a kid with a fancy new toy before flouncing off, hand-in-hand with her new plaything. When they’re out of earshot, Joss looks worriedly at Alex and ask if she’s okay. Alex, quite unconvincingly, insists that she’s fine.
April goes to the motel Paul is staying and she slaps him right across his undead face. She demands an explanation and he is still being awfully calm for just having reappeared after three years. He tells April that he had lost his job and they were running out of money and then he found out his Mistress Bitch was pregnant and he decided that instead of tackling his issues head on, he decided to take running away from his problems to a new level by just faking his death. When April demands why he thought leaving two women and two children to mourn him was a good idea, he gets a guilty look on his face and admits that actually he’s been living with Mistress Bitch and their love child. Surprise! Honestly, I’m surprised she didn’t just kill him for real right then and there. As the Six Merry Murderesses would say, he had it coming. April starts losing her MIND, understandably. Zombie Paul swears he had nothing to do with Miranda showing up and asking for money right after the insurance money got deposited, all he did was tell her about the money and also give her April’s bank information and password, but seriously it’s so not his fault she was scamming his widow…
At Joss’s work, Olivier calls Joss into his office. He tells her that they’re building a hotel and that he needs Joss and her young chicness to accompany him to a meeting with a contractor tomorrow. As she’s about to leave, he points out that she’s wearing Alex’s bracelet. Joss teases him by asking if he wants her number, and when he doesn’t object, she tells him that Olivier is not Alex’s type, what with the penis and all. She flashes her best Josslyn Carver smile and struts out of the room, leaving him to contemplate that little tidbit.
Alex is on the couch when Joss comes home. She starts rambling about their Ugly Naked Guy neighbor and his unappealing meatballs, but if SHE wasn’t even interested, I’m not sure what makes her think Alex would be. Though, as it turns out, Alex didn’t even hear the meatball story, because she was too busy Facebook stalking Sally and counting exactly how many pictures she has been cropped out of and reading every single exchange between Sally and Story. Before her head can explode from over-processing, Joss takes the laptop from her and de-friends Sally, saying her new girlfriend is the worst Story she’s ever heard. She sets the computer aside and leans into Alex, tucking her hair behind her ear and calling her beautiful. Typical straight girl move. Alex knows it. Alex has been there before. She looks at Joss curiously as Joss goes in for the kiss, but she doesn’t fight it. After a second she pulls back, hesitating, and it’s Joss’s turn to look curious. But Alex dismisses that nagging voice in the back of her head telling her she’s in for a truckload of heartache and tells Joss it’s nothing. Joss kisses her again, and Alex kisses her back, against her better judgment.
Later that night, Alex and Joss are in the bedroom, post-coitally, when Savi calls Joss to tell her about April’s big news. Joss immediately starts putting her pants back on and Alex does a terrible job of hiding her disappointment. She asks Joss what’s wrong, but Joss isn’t even sure she knows herself, so she promises she’ll explain later, kisses Alex on the cheek, and vanishes into thin air.
The girls assemble to help April sort out this insanity. Joss thinks Mistress Bitch and Zombie Paul are in cahoots and now that Paul is planning on killing Miranda and taking the money all for herself and Scotty is probably just a tiny bandit in disguise. I guess Joss really has been watching Pretty Little Liars, because she jumped right into the murder plots. She is also is the one to suggest that maybe the lawyer was a fake and that this whole thing was a long con. April is determined to find out the truth by any means necessary.
The next morning, Alex comes in from hiking and is being a little distant. Joss asks why she didn’t wake her up and apologizes for leaving so quickly last night. She even says she knew that they should talk about what happened last night. Josslyn Carver. Wanted to talk about sex and its meaning. This is a huge deal, but Alex misses it because she’s too busy working up the courage to confess something to Joss. She stammers a bit, spitting out incomplete thoughts about feelings and problems and friendship and Joss interrupts her and tells her to spit it out already. Alex can barely make eye contact with her as she says it, but she tells Joss that she can’t be friends with her anymore. She tells her that she doesn’t just like her, she LIKE likes her. Alex’s eyes light up as she starts listing all the reasons she thinks Joss is incredible, even if she doesn’t realize it. She tells Joss how safe she feels with her and how friendship just isn’t enough anymore. She doesn’t even consider asking Joss for more – she knows her better than to assume that’s something she’d want. Joss doesn’t know how to handle this information. She’s never even had a friend who was a girl, not one that was all hers, let alone have a friend who was a girl tell her she didn’t want to be friends anymore. All she can do is look at Alex with big, sad eyes and a quivering lip. Joss immediately goes to Savi’s office for advice. Joss opens with the fact that they had sex again last night and Savi is too distracted to help her sister, so she just throws a quip at her about maybe not sleeping with everyone instead of being helpful. Savi’s seeming lack of empathy is all too reminiscent of their argument for Joss, so she says forget it and leaves Savi to her own problems.
Sam is taking stalking to a new level by first going to see Handsome Jacob as a therapist, then following Karen to her house. He (finally) admits to knowing that maybe the whole breaking-and-entering-and-creepy-note-leaving thing was taking things a bit far. He tells her that he loves her, and then he runs away, which is the first correct thing he has done so far this entire show.
Savi comes home to find Harry alone in the dark, as per usual. Harry takes her by the hand and looks her in the eyes and tells her that he loves her. Which makes her immediately burst into tears because she knows he’s about to hit her with something big. He tells her that he’s willing to move past everything, he’s willing to make them work, on one condition-that the baby is his. He tells her that if it’s not, she will have to choose. The big baby or the infant baby.
In the coffee shop, April and Miranda meet up and are almost being civil. Mistress Bitch is too distracted by the big, beautiful check she’s being handed to notice April’s shifty eyes, otherwise she might have seen the ambush coming. Paul walks in and when Miranda barely registers surprise, April snatches that check right out of her hand and tells her that enough is enough. Zombie Paul seems legitimately angry at Mistress Bitch for lying to him and trying to scam his ex-wife, but April cuts them off. She is tired of being in this funhouse of lies, so she tells them both to bugger off and leaves them and their soap opera drama behind.
While waiting for contractors to show up for their meeting, Joss is distracted and Olivier notices. He says something that has been said to me a time or two: “You haven’t spoken for three entire minutes, something is wrong.” Joss says she’s fine and Olivier surprises her by offering his ear. She’s a little perplexed, but she literally has no one else to turn to because her sister is too involved in her problems and her sister’s friends have their own problems, and her best friend IS the problem. So she tells Olivier that the single most important thing in her life is a friendship that is in jeopardy, and she doesn’t know what to do. He tells her that she may be many things, some of which he’s not too fond of, but if there’s one thing she is, it’s determined. He tells her that she’s not a quitter, especially when she cares about something. He calls her plucky and I finally find myself starting to like this guy. This time, it’s Harry’s turn to find Savi sulking alone in a room of their home, and when he does, she tells him that no matter who the father is, she’s keeping the baby. With or without him. Savi asks Harry to fight for them, but Harry says he’s all out of fight. That one punch really did him in. Besides, wallowing is EXHAUSTING. Back at her store, finally alone and with a sense of closure, April listens to the slew of supportive messages her friends have left her. She realizes that her friends are all that she needs and rips up the check, the smile finally back in those shiny gold eyes.
Pan to Zombie Paul, who is at his motel, but instead of checking out, he is extending his stay. Which cannot mean good things for April, Lucy, or Hot Dad.
Karen, making what is sure to be the most fatal of her terrible decisions, goes to pay Sam’s mother-the wife of her dead ex-lover-a visit. She tries to talk as a therapist and tells her that Sam has fallen in love with her, but Sam’s mom keeps her eyes dark as she calls Karen out and says that maybe if she confesses to fooling around with his father, Sam might not be quite as infatuated. Sam slithers out from the shadowy corner he was hiding in and his eyes glow red as Karen realizes she is as good as dead where she stands.
At Alex’s apartment, Joss has made-sorry, obtained-brunch for the two of them, complete with mojitos, when Alex returns from yoga. Alex can’t help but smile but asks Joss what she’s doing, reminding her of their conversation. Joss smiles and simply says no. She’s not accepting the termination of the friendship. Without a change in tone, she switches back and forth between offering her food from the table and informing Alex that she will be fighting for her, fighting for them. She wants to ride this out, to see where it goes. She doesn’t make any kind of promises, she doesn’t ask anything in return. She simply offers, possibly for the first time in her life, to be someone’s girlfriend. Because hey, she might just be really good at it. For the first time since meeting Joss, Alex allows herself to consider this, because even though that little voice is still nagging at her, maybe-just maybe-Joss will be a fabulous girlfriend. What did you think of “Ultimatum”?
I’m so glad I had my #HomoWrecker crew last night, so I knew the Jolex storyline was really happening and wasn’t all in my head. Here are some of our favorite tweets from this week:
Whatever Karen suggests, I recommend doing the complete opposite. #homowrecker– Anne-Nicole Hanus (@anhanus) July 23, 2013
Yess! A slap will do April, a slap will do. #homowrecker– Alison (@al386) July 23, 2013
And in that moment I swear we were all Alex. 🙁 #Homowrecker– Heather Hogan (@hhoagie) July 23, 2013
It’s okay Alex I’m pretty sure every lesbian has feelings for Joss. #Mistresses #HomoWrecker– Harley (@HarHar91) July 23, 2013
I’m in a glass case of emotion! I hope you’re happy @jesmacallan and @ShanSossamon! #homowrecker– NicS (@njnic23) July 23, 2013
Dammit Paul your crap has subsequently ruined Jalex fun times. You are now in the Byron category of THE WORST #homowrecker– Alison (@al386) July 23, 2013
Karen is the worst decision maker in the world #homowrecker– Meagan H (@NayaCutYoNails) July 23, 2013
Who knew le douche can give good advice?! #homowrecker– Alison (@al386) July 23, 2013
ahhh so Mistresses takes place in that magical universe where you fall for a straight girl and she falls for you right back #HomoWrecker– Sara Patterson (@sarapatt) July 23, 2013
Yes Joss, take the emergency brake off that U-Haul and put that thing in TURBO! #Homowrecker #Mistresses– Wren Wilson (@wrenwilson) July 23, 2013
