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“Orange is the New Black” recap (1.11): Tall Men with Feelings

Dorms!

Mustache roughly sweeps Tricia’s belongings into a box as the Suburbs residents watch. Nichols tells him to leave her stuff alone and Red says they’ll take it from there. Mendez hisses that the place had better be spotless when he gets back.

Images courtesy of Netflix. Photos by Jessica Miglio

Utility closet!

Diaz pukes into a sink as Mom Diaz tends to her. Bennett comes in and says he can get Diaz a furlough for a fake grandma death. That way Diaz can claim she got pregnant on the outside and Bennett won’t get fired and jailed. Mom Diaz doesn’t have high hopes-nobody gets those furloughs.

Radio station!

Larry comes in to do his big Relationship Story on Urban Tales. And ignores a call from Chapman. Another storyteller has a husband in Antarctica whom he hasn’t seen in two years. Larry admits that he gets to see his fiancée fairly often.

Electrical shop!

Chapman and Nichols (Hi, Nichols!) are repairing Christmas lights. Morello heard on the radio that Larry was going to be on. Chapman has been out of the loop. She’s a little touchy and takes out her frustrations on the tangled lights.

Luschek asks Chapman if she wants to hang herself with them. Since Tricia was cut down yesterday, Chapman finds this just a touch insensitive. Luschek wants to know if Chapman’s on her period. Ugh. In the prison crèche scene, Luschek is the ass. Nichols gets Chapman to back down from the fight.

Chapman says she’s going to organize a memorial service for Tricia.

Psych ward!

Doggett is not making a good case for herself. Talking about the pressures of being a faith healer is not helping, nor is “I’m not crazy, I’m chosen!”

Oh, man. Doggett tells the doc just to ask the prisoners about all the healings she’s caused, and I just realized what the long game was. This is incredibly cruel-Doggett is literally in a wire cage because the others made her think she can heal people.

CO station!

Figueroa the Assistant Warden Who Never Helps is royally pissed off. She doesn’t want to get sued by the families of the Scared Straight kids, and she does not want an FBI investigation of a “clear-cut suicide.” They’ve already cremated the body just to make extra sure that investigation can’t happen.

Figueroa says the COs need to write a memo to let the inmates know the staff cares-well, “cares”-and about what services are available, and Healy objects because he has “real work” to do. And then Mustache is dumb enough to joke about it. Turns out Figueroa, does, in fact, have a little bit of angry humanity inside her, at least when it comes to these yuckabucks and not getting investigated. Mustache invites Bennett out for a drink after work. Whee.

Kitchen!

Mom Diaz tries to get some ginger gum for Diaz’s morning sickness. Murphy, whose name I looked up just today, asks Mom Diaz “What’s my name?” Murphy is Red’s helper who isn’t Norma, and she’s sick of people asking her for favors all damn day and not knowing her name. She’s played by Abigail Savage, by the way.

Red says Gina is sensitive when she’s on the rag. Argh. Red also totally knows that Diaz is pregnant.

Oh, good. It’s mustache. He grouches in for his shipment and also takes an apple. If I didn’t know that Red was planning to take him down, I’d find that frustrating.

Library!

Pousséy has a ton of books to put away. Her friend, who I think is named Black Cindy, reads her a horoscope that’s all about travel and expanding her horizons. That is cold.

Claudette is frustrated, but asks for Taurus anyway. The horoscope is about good news coming. Maybe her appeal? Claudette leaves in a hurry, which is too bad, because she probably would have liked to hear the part about that newspaper being eight months old.

Chapel!

Chapman waits for Alex, looking sad. Alex notes that when you have a girlfriend who is supplying quality orgasms, you should look happy to see her. She’s not wrong. Chapman needs a hug instead-no one showed up to plan Tricia’s funeral. Alex thinks the whole thing might be a part of Chapman’s inability to deal with emotional turmoil, especially since Chapman didn’t actually know Tricia well. Chapman reaches and says she and Tricia talked. Alex wonders if Chapman knew Tricia better than she knew Alex’s mom, which is apparently a low blow.

Crazy Eyes comes in to buff the floor. That is not a euphemism. Crazy Eyes totally knows that those two are doing it. Crazy Eyes gives Alex an important Romance Tip: Tell your girl how much you like her titties, and tell her often.

So many throw pillows, so little couch space.

Flashback!

They’re in Paris. Piper lounges adorably while Alex takes care of business. (Another reason not to have a drug runner girlfriend: They totes won’t stroll with you to the cute cafés!)

Alex is stressing and Piper is bitching about her life of luxury but no girlfriending. Alex asks Piper to go to Istanbul. Oh, not for a vacation. Piper is done-she doesn’t want to drug mule. Or, rather, she doesn’t want to be treated like one. She was actually pretty OK with enjoying the drug-fueled wealth a couple of minutes ago.

Alex accuses Piper of running back to men instead of, you know, away from the whole drug running thing. Do not have a drug runner girlfriend.

Piper says Alex should face up to the drug running realities and Alex counters that Piper knew what she was getting into. Alex thought they were a team. Piper walks out.

Rec room!

Holy weird. Red is there with Mendoza, Diaz, and Mom Diaz. Diaz knows something is up. Oh. Damn. They want Diaz to sleep with Mustache and then go to Caputo and claim that he raped her. Well. I don’t see any possible way that this plan could backfire, do you?

Mom Diaz and Mendoza agree that Diaz’s furlough isn’t happening. Diaz says she loves Bennett and won’t cheat on him. Red says Diaz will go to SHU and Maximum Security when this gets out, and Bennett will get arrested as a sex offender. Sound like a good life for the baby?

Mom Diaz says that Diaz is good at getting guys to sleep with her. She’s such a treasure.

Dorms!

The ladies are passing out Tricia’s stuff. Big Boo takes her comb. Big Boo says she contacted Mercy on the outside to let her know about Tricia.

Chang brings in a bag of oranges. Mendoza brings some tasty microwaved treats. Pousséy and Cindy bring buy a ton of packaged comfort food. Ooh, and some home brew! Looks like we have a wake going.

Radio station!

Larry talks to Fake Ira Glass. Mostly about how prison has affected him, personally. Then Larry, because he is a COMPLETE FREAKING DUMB-ASS, starts telling prison gossip stories. Shesus, Larry.

Hallway!

Crazy Eyes buffs the floor. Chapman slips and falls right on her keister. She asks Crazy Eyes for help to her feet. Crazy Eyes starts to freak out and hit herself because it’s her fault, but Chapman says it’s OK. Crazy Eyes escorts Chapman back to her cube in a non-wifely sense. She also tells Chapman that the Psych Ward is worse than the SHU. Way worse. She says you get numbing meds and sometimes you get tied down. And that no one ever comes back.

Crazy Eyes also asks why everyone calls her Crazy Eyes.

Psych Ward!

Doggett is, in fact, strapped down to a lonely cot in a cement room. We see Flores, who used to talk to El Diablo, get led past as the doctor walks in. He orders more meds for Doggett, even though she’s quiet, and even though she pleads that she doesn’t need any more. Doggett asks where Jesus is now that she really needs him.

The nurse tells Doggett that if she weren’t crazy, she wouldn’t have to try so hard to convince people she’s sane.

Dorms!

The ladies pass around the pruno and Boo pours a little on the floor for Tricia. Chapman passive-aggressives the observation that everyone decided to get drunk instead of come to her memorial. Sister Ingalls says getting drunk is more fun.

Boo calls Chapman uptight, and when she denies it even the nun giggles. Then the cardboard Tricia they made falls down so it looks like it’s hanging. Oof. Boo looks at Tricia’s account book and points out that she knew exactly whom she was in debt to. Quite the karmic practice. They all toast to Tricia.

Bar!

Mustache and Bennett drink. Mustache drinks Bennett’s shot too. Mustache spots a couple of likely looking ladies. And then he immediately drives them away with his unique charm. Mustache says the inmates look at him like a sex toy, but never ask him about his day. He wants them to know that he has feelings and exists outside the prison.

Dining hall!

Chapman has a wicked toilet wine hangover. She’s also got a wicked conscience hangover and doesn’t think Doggett should be in Psych. Alex tells Chapman not to be so emo. We get a shot of Doggett’s lonely minion at the next table. Chapman and Alex blame each other, then Chapman says she’ll go and take the blame.

Flashback!

Alex is on the bed crying. Piper bitches at her as she searches for her passport. Alex just found out her mom died. Alex needs to fly home to arrange the funeral. Piper won’t go with her -she won’t be Alex’s girlfriend anymore. Alex begs Piper not to leave, but she does.

Prison yard!

Diaz and Bennett walk together. He says the furlough could take weeks or months. Diaz says they’ll figure something out, but doesn’t elaborate. Bennett tells her about Mustache’s drunken weirdness, then sneaks a kiss.

Caputo’s office!

Chapman says she’d like to make an official report about Doggett.

COs’ office!

Diaz comes by to ask Mustache about his day. He takes the bait immediately and lets her know how smart he is. And tells her his conspiracy theory about sudoku.

Visiting room!

Baptiste is there for Miss Claudette. She doesn’t want to jinx it, but she says she thinks she’ll be out soon. They choose a restaurant for her first night out. She says she’ll go anywhere with Baptiste. Oh, show. Please don’t hurt this sweet little hope.

Red’s lair!

Diaz comes in and tells Red and Nichols (Hi, Nichols!) that she’ll sleep with Mustache. Red and Nichols remind her that she needs to get semen on her and in her and then go straight to the medic’s office-no washing.

Dorms!

Chapman tells Alex that she’s only getting a couple of weeks of night-shift janitorial duty as punishment. For having someone thrown into the mental ward of no return. Chapman and Alex indulge in a little mattress-free spooning. Alex calls Chapman dumb, but brave. Oh, no. They’re falling in love. They tell each other that they heart each other.

Time for Larry’s interview to run! Everyone is listening.

Mustache goes into the utility closet. Diaz follows.

Holy. Freaking. Dumb. Larry tells the Crazy Eyes story and insults her poem. Crazy Eyes-Suzanne-cries on her cot. Miss Claudette hears that Chapman is afraid of her and thinks of her as a spooky murderer. Watson is happy to be mentioned, though. Morello and Nichols get a little mention. Red does too, and she’s proud.

Mustache kisses Diaz as Larry and Fake Ira Glass talk about sex in prison. Larry says he and Piper didn’t make any agreements about that.

…And Mustache insists on rolling on a condom before having sex with Diaz. He is officially smarter than Bennett. And the whole plan is ruined.

Larry says he wouldn’t -theoretically-mind Chapman having sex in prison if it was just sex. But it would be devastating if she were in there with someone she had a connection with.

How’s that karma now, Chapman?

Phones!

Chapman rushes to call Larry, even though it’s not phone hours. Mustache leaves the utility closet.

Dining hall!

A shaken Diaz reports in to Red that Mustache took the condom with him. Red says she’ll just have to do it again.

Chapman gets her tray amid stares from the whole room. Crazy Eyes is hurt.

Doggett comes back and gets a hug from her minion.

Everyone stands when they see Claudette coming. Chapman apologizes, but it’s too late: Claudette has heard that Chapman thinks she’s too dangerous to even sleep around. Their blossoming friendship is over.

Phones!

Larry finally picks up. Chapman asks him how he knew; Larry wants to make her say it. Chapman admits that she and Alex had and are still having sex. Chapman wants to know if Larry is trying to get her killed for revenge. She hates the way Larry has reduced the inmates to caricatures, and he isn’t getting it. They’re just criminals to him.

On the other hand, Larry does have a pretty good reason to be pissed off. Larry asks if Chapman loves Alex. She says yes.

Larry drops his bomb and tells Chapman that Alex named her in the deposition. He asks Chapman how it feels to be in love with the woman who stole their lives.

Larry says he needs some time away. This may not be something that Piper can fix.

Intense episode, eh? I’ll see you back here for the next one tomorrow.

And even though I may not say it often enough, I hope you know how much I like your titties.

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