Chapman announces that she’s not gay. Which, I realize she’s trying to evade a direct question from Nichols and that that is a technically truthful answer and stuff, but I’m increasingly of the opinion that Chapman is the kind of bisexual who makes life in the LGBT community more challenging for the rest of us.
Anyway, it’s useless, because if there’s one thing you can’t conceal from Nichols (Hiiii, Nichols!), it’s a lesbian affair. Morello is also convinced that Alex and Chapman are up to plenty of good. Nichols asks where Chapman was when she stopped by her cube, and we cut to Chapman chanting “I’m coming! I’m coming!” until Alex takes a moment to whisper “Show, don’t tell.” Hee.
Chapman admits that she and Alex are “spending time” together… As friends. Morello and Nichols are not even a tiny bit fooled. Alex sits down and says her strategically staggered arrival at lunch was due to a long shower line; Nichols points out that her hair is dry.
All images courtesy of Netflix. Photos by Jessica Miglio.
I’m not entirely sure why Alex and Chapman are bothering to keep this a secret, but Morello and Nichols are pretty adorable at the figuring out part, so what the hell.
Bennett is working out all buffishly when there is a pounding at the door. Oh, lord, it’s Cesar, the Very Bad Man who has slept with two of the Diaz women. (Well, two that we know of.) He’s jealous and crazy and pissed off and would like to know where Bennett will be putting the crib. Looks like this is the first Bennett has heard of the need for one. Keeping secrets in the prison environment leads to such troublesome etiquette dilemmas.
Chapman and Alex play cards and grabass and take a moment to get all schmoopy with each other. They’re so in lurve. (Psst. Chapman! Still probably a bad idea!) Chapman says it’s weird how comfortable this is, since she’s changed so much. Alex says she hasn’t changed at all. (Warning bells, Chapman!)
Hey, want to know how to ruin a sweet little moment with your secret lover real fast? Wonder out loud why it’s been so long since your fiancé has called. Well done, Chapman. Alex reassures Chapman that she isn’t a terrible person; Alex thinks we do what we need to do to survive. (WARNING BELLS, CHAPMAN!)
Pousséy and Taystee’s other pal come up and pretend to try to start trouble with Alex and Chapman. Whoa, Chapman is toughening up; she’s working on her Fight Face. Well, sort of. It’s a face in progress. But the other’s are just playing. They’re really here to sign up for the Scared Straight program. The inmates are really psyched to make some kids cry.
Crazy Eyes is bummed that this won’t be more of an acting opportunity: She wants to play a great role like Desdemona or Claire Huxtable. (Oh, man, what Claire Huxtable could do for this place. Shipshape and lip-synching blues classics together in six weeks, tops.) The guard says Crazy Eyes can pick any character as long as it’ll scare some kids. I believe a calling has just been found.
Morello “helps” Red by carving a face into a squash while Red does actual kitchen prep. Morello says her fiancé Christopher is the one who does the real cooking at her place. Mustache dicks in to pick up his “ice cream bars.” Morello, who’s really on top of things today, is pretty sure that’s not ice cream.
Tricia is back! She’s clean and hoping to get back into Red’s good graces. No such luck; Red doesn’t truck with drugs or drug users, and Tricia lied to her about being clean for a long time.