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“Rizzoli & Isles” Subtext Recap (4.04): Orange Is the New Rizzles

This is the story of an upper-class, well-educated white woman who confronts personal and professional hardships when arrested and thrown behind bars. She’s the last person you would expect to find in an orange jumpsuit, yet there she is forced to face hostile fellow inmates and a corrupted correctional system. All the while she must deal with her unrelenting attraction for another woman, something that confounds her because of her more recent relationship history with men. But she knows she can’t fight her feelings because they are, quite simply, inevitable.

Oh, I’m sorry. We aren’t watching Orange Is the New Black? I could have sworn. I mean, you can see how I could get confused. What with the storylines matching up pretty much perfectly and all. But, hey, my bad. Please proceed with your crime procedural about two totally heterosexual best friends. Mistake noted. Won’t happen again. Probably. Maybe. On second thought, I shouldn’t make any promises. Anyway, where were we?

So Jane and Maura are on a date. We know it’s a date because Maura is in a dress nursing a glass of wine and Jane is in a suit drinking her favorite Belgian white. (p.s. Does Blue Moon pay for product placement or do the prop masters just inherently know which beers lesbians like?) They’re attending a benefit for bone marrow donation. Jane is annoyed because, really, how much more of herself can Maura give to altruistic causes—and quite literally? As we all know, every inch of that body rightfully belongs to Jane.

As they’re standing around a couple mistakes Jane for a waiter, because why else would a striking woman be wearing a suit jacket at a charity fundraiser. Maura giggles because it’s clearly not the first time her girlfriend has been mistaken for the help while wearing a suit at a formal event. She teases her and says she should have worn a dress. Let’s make it fair for everyone—Jane put on Maura’s dress and Maura put on Jane’s suit, again.

Jane convinces Maura they should slip away and play a very private game of “Unzip Me.” But then the hosts of the benefit—a famous golf pro and his wife—come over. Maura introduces Jane as her “colleague,” which I guess is what the kids are calling it instead of “roommate” these days. They whisk Maura away to go impress some grumpy doctors into opening their pocketbooks. Hey, it would work on me. The wife stays behind and calls Maura a giver. Um, how would she know? Then she asks Jane if she is one, too. Whoa, whoa, whoa, lady—that’s a little personal. Sure, it is obvious Jane and Maura are together. But even out and proud people want to keep the intimate dynamics of their bedroom behavior private. Also, girl please, Jane is so butch in the streets, femme in the sheets.

Jane gives the woman $1,000 to stop prying into her sex life. Then she literally drags Maura away by the hand. Totally Gratuitous, Totally Gay Touching, ahoy! A girlfriend can only take so much. And entertaining nosey straight folks asking about her top/bottom status falls well beyond the Good Girlfriend purview.

But Maura rather likes torturing Jane, and insists she stays and meets this fascinating colorectal surgeon she just met. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, he’s a butt doctor. So, naturally, he is interested in Maura. I mean, the man has eyes. Jane peaces out and takes Maura’s car because she knows she’ll see plenty of dat ass later at home.

Against her better judgment Maura stays and has another glass of wine with him. I like how the producers of Rizzoli & Isles have just given up and gone ahead and given the male romantic interest an actual beard. Also it’s good to know Maura continues her terrible taste in men. A serial killer. A fratricidist. An international fugitive. A Giovanni. And now Dr. Asshole, who is too cheap for valet.

The next morning Jane is at Maura’s place looking for her. I guess every once in a while Jane still uses her own apartment. Mama Rizzoli says Maura came home super late, but she’s probably fine because they’ve been watching Karate Kid together and they’re both experts in Wash On, Wash Off now. Or is that Paint the Fence?

Jane acts thoroughly impressed because sometimes it’s just easier to appease your mom. But now she’s starting to worry about Maura so she calls her and lo and behold a ringing comes from the couch. Who is lying there in a huddle but Maura, with smudged eyeliner and unruly bedhead. I know she’s supposed to look terrible and hungover, but you know you’d still hit that.

At first it’s funny, because a disheveled Dr. Maura Isles is basically an oxymoron. But then it’s not funny. Because Maura isn’t just hungover, she is out of it entirely. She doesn’t know where she’s been. She doesn’t know if she’s OK. Jane kneels down and puts her hand on Maura’s knee. I think fixing this will take more than a Bloody Mary and a greasy breakfast.

But ever the professional, she soldiers on. Dead bodies wait for no hangover, no matter how vicious. But you can tell she’s not herself because she’s having trouble putting on the latex gloves around Jane. Normally those things just slide on in her presence, if you know what I mean. Safety first, kids.

The body is slumped over the wheel of a junky old Chevy. Maura begins to examine it and then, damn, does that beard look familiar? Yep, it’s Dr. Asshole. I told you Maura is just the worst at picking her beards. He has taken a nasty punch to the throat. Frost finds Maura’s ID badge on the floorboard and everyone is like, “Really, you left with this guy instead of Det. Jane Rizzoli?” Confusion abounds, especially from Maura.

Naturally, this development causes much consternation among the ranks. Like, hold on, isn’t she gay? Also there’s the scandal of the daughter of Paddy Doyle potentially taking out her date and, oh yeah, she’s also the Chief Medical Examiner of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts. Lt. Cavanaugh calls it “as bad as it gets” in between fielding calls from the Governor. OK, OK, it’s kind of not cool that Maura left with a dude, but we don’t have to go DEFCON 1 about it.

The team has to bring Maura in for questioning. Jane can’t stand it. I mean, if it was your girlfriend could you? But she insists on doing the questioning herself. I’d like to point out that even if they weren’t so obviously a couple, police procedure would never allow friends—let alone LLBFFs—to interview one another in a murder investigation.

Heck, let’s face it, half the department would have have to recuse itself. Frost is partners with Maura’s girlfriend. Korsak is her gardening tip buddy. And Lt. Cavanaugh, well, he’s hooking up with Jane’s mom who happens to live at Maura’s house. Conflict of interest, thy name is the homicide detective’s unit.

But after four years of watching a show about a tomboy homicide detective and her fashionista medical examiner LLBFF who solve crimes together and sometimes sleep in the same bed, we’ve learned a thing or two about suspension of disbelief. So Jane goes in to grill Maura, but it’s more like a light sautéing filled with sympathetic eye snuggles to make the process less painful for both of them.

Maura, poor thing, she can’t remember a thing. She remembers Dr. Asshole ordering her favorite wine. She remembers wanting to take a taxi home. Then she remembers him blowing her a kiss. Well, considering his area of medical expertise, I guess that’s more considerate than a handshake. But guess what a background probe (I couldn’t resist) on him discovers? He’s not a butt doctor at all. He’s a club bouncer. So the asshole part is probably still right, just not the doctor part.

Maura can’t fill Jane in on much more about that night. She’s fuzzy and frazzles. They order a toxicology screening and rape kit. I know that last bit was for realism, but I just cringed as they said it. That’s a little too much hard truth in my good times gayzzoli, thank you very much. Maura remembers something and admits to being in Fake Dr. Asshole’s car. OK, at this point, wouldn’t Jane do the old “Cough, cough, askforalawyer, cough” routine so Maura will stop incriminating herself?

Things only get worse when she takes off her jacket, revealing a series of bruises on her forearms. Being the impeccable doctor that she is, Maura identifies them as offensive in nature and then wonders aloud if she attacked the victim. I mean it, hack up a lung if you need to, Jane, but let her know she needs to ask for a lawyer.

Look, I know this next part where they collect Maura’s clothes for processing is supposed to be all serious and poignant and heartbreaking. And, don’t get me wrong, it is. Sasha Alexander sells the hell out of this episode with her sad, lost eyes. But then there’s also the small issue of Sasha Alexander stripping down to her black bra and panties. I’m not saying I’m a horrible pervert who rewound that scene three times or possibly more. I’m just saying it happened.

Of course, leave it to Senior Criminalist/Captain Crotchblock Susie Chang to be there. Though instead of being annoyed by her presence, I feel sorry for her. She doesn’t want to be there and knows these sorts of moments should be reserved for Jane and Maura in private with or without a photographer present. What? Sometimes people want to capture the moment. Also, Susie, I see you checking out Maura’s abs.

Maura says she now has a better understanding of how humiliating the process is for suspects. Jane apologizes. Reassures Maura that she didn’t do it. And then tells her to stop talking. Finally! Jane, this is the one time you can tell Maura to shut up and you’re actually being a good girlfriend. Seize the moment.

TV news gets wind of the story and runs with it because it has everything you’d want in a juicy scandal — sex, violence, gangs and amazing hair porn. A distraught Jane runs into Frankie who asks her immediately about Maura. And then how she is doing. See, such a good little brother. He absolutely marches with PFLAG in the parade every year.

Just then Maura comes down from the elevator escorted by two officers. Jane asks if she should call her a lawyer (OMG, you haven’t already?) and her parents (Voluntary offer to contact the in-laws? She is a good girlfriend after all). Then, being practical, Jane tries to slip in a quickie eye sex session. You never know how long it will be until they get another chance, so you have to take your opportunities when you can. Maura’s unsure at first, so many people are watching. But when she’s led away she can’t help but look back once more.

Mama Rizzoli is also fretting. Susie sidles up to her counter, asking for scotch. But then quickly concedes that she doesn’t drink scotch. Admit it, if you landed in the Rizzoli & Isles universe you’d also be Susie. You’d pop up at inopportune times — like say when Jane and Maura had a really good flirt going — just to have a front-row seat to the gloriousness of them. And, like Susie, if anything bad happened you’d be despondent and ask for scotch, but secretly just want a warm, full-fat beverage and a plate full of fries to make you feel better. OK, you probably wouldn’t be a nudist. But I don’t know you that well so who knows.

Mama R pumps poor Susie for info on the case. Susie says if she was a guesser, which she isn’t because Dr. Isles taught her well, she would say a single powerful punch to the trachea probably did him in. This makes Mama R’s eyes widen. Hey, weren’t you the one proclaiming her innocence from the hilltops mere seconds ago? Don’t lose that feeling, lady.

No Rizzoli & Isles episode is complete with out a requisite Red Herring No. 1, so the wife of Fake Dr. Asshole arrives to fill that role. But she didn’t do it on account of the fact she’s a professional happy endings giver and was with a client named “John.” I don’t make this stuff up, I just report the facts. Jane is frustrated by their lack of leads, and sighs that they need a break to help Maura. You know, not to be crass but a happy ending might help you relax right about now. Just saying.

Her mother has the exact opposite idea — about breaks, not happy endings. She walks into Lt. Cavanaugh’s office with something to show him. She pulls out her cellphone and hands it to him. OK, hold up. Wait a minute. Stop. Everyone just stop. Mama Rizzoli, this is your daughter-in-law. The woman your daughter loves. The woman who has given you a home. The woman whose home you use for all of your family celebrations. This is not OK. This is the opposite of OK. You don’t serve up loved ones on a platter.

Her cellphone video shows Maura demonstrating self-defense techniques. This one in particular is how to break a board with your forearm. Yes, this all looks terribly bad for Maura. But it must also be noted that it looks terribly badass of Maura.

Jane rightfully shoots daggers at her mom as they screen the video. If Maura goes to prison it’s going to be one hell of an awkward Thanksgiving dinner this year. Also, they won’t have any place to eat it because Angela certainly won’t still be living at the house of the woman she helped to put away nor the apartment of her daughter who is now in a prison relationship. The bad news parade keeps getting worse: No roofies in Maura’s system, the skin under her nails matches the victim and her fingerprints and hair were found in the backseat of his car. But she wasn’t raped. Thank heavens for small mercies.

Back at her house, Maura tries to coax Bass to eat some delectable greens. But leave it to a tortoise to know when someone should run and hide. Because next comes a knock on the door. It’s Jane — and Frost and Korsak. “Oh, no,” may be the understatement of the year, Maura. I’d have gone with “Oh, shit” or “No justice, no peace” or “Attica! Attica!”

Right, first some ground rules: 1. Never insult the food. 2. Use maxi-pads as makeshift shower sandals if your commissary isn’t in yet. 3. Only throw your pie for someone if you are sure she’s your prison wife. I just realized if you haven’t watched Orange Is the New Black this week’s recap isn’t going to make much sense. Solution: Watch Orange Is the New Black. I mean it, that show is amazing.

Maura makes the long walk in orange to the holding cell. Inside she finds a cast of unsavory characters. Where are Taystee and Red and Big Boo? Instead we’re stuck with a Pennsatucky wannabe who recognizes Maura as the person who put away her old man. So she socks Maura in the face.

The guards run in immediately to break it up. They subdue the offending cellmate, and then the red-haired female guard gives Maura a special message. Paddy Doyle sends his regards. So does that mean Maura’s attacker will be getting an icepick to the heart anytime soon? I’m generally against revenge, but no one damages that beautiful face.

At Jane’s house, the signs of Maura’s absence are already painfully apparent. For one, she’s eating olives and ketchup for dinner. For two, she’s in her own apartment. Frankie is going over the case with her when there’s a light knock on the door. He says he can leave if she’s expecting someone. This is clearly a joke to break the tension because we all know her someone special is sitting in a cell and avoiding the showers right about now.

Instead, it’s Mama Rizzoli. Jane gives her a look that says, “If I have to make conjugal visits with Maura for the next 25 years to life you’re never getting another Mother’s Day card.” Mama R says she’s sick about what happened. Jane takes her to task for running to her boyfriend with the video instead of her. And then says she would have deleted the video and happily taken the year in prison for obstruction of justice. Anything to save Maura from a lifetime of orange jumpsuits.

In lockup, Maura is nursing a shiner. Her slugger gets sent to isolation, but not before blowing Maura a kiss. This triggers a memory, a gloved hand blowing a powder into Maura’s face. Ew. Jane comes in to check on her, but as soon as she sees Maura’s black eye she goes ballistic. We’re talking Protective Jane Level 11. She threatens the other women with a very short life if anything else happens to her woman. I’m sad Maura got hurt, but come on, that’s hot.

But Maura is less impressed by Jane’s fierce protectiveness because she’s intent on clearing her name. Don’t worry, she’ll thank her properly latter. She wants Susie to run another test for Scopolamine, or “The Devil’s Breathe.” It can render a person incapacitated and without free will by simply blowing it in her face. Also, it’s a real thing. Great, now I’m terrified and will have to go around like Michael Jackson with a weird face mask on at all times. But without the undertones of pedophilia. Too soon? Please, we were all thinking it.

Jane starts to work a new theory that Maura was drugged and made to do something against her will. But what? Guess about a cause of death? Deliver an opinion of a foreign substance before chemical tests can be run? Wear white after Labor Day? The detectives piece together that Fake Dr. Asshole found out about Maura’s likes and dislikes from her profile in La Femme Vivant magazine. And now all the lesbians run off to get a subscription to La Femme Vivant magazine and its counterpart, La Butch Forte. Jane is the August covergirl, naturally.

The victim was after her security ID, and wanted something from inside the Medical Examiner’s department. You can bet it wasn’t a lifetime supply of latex gloves. Which is good because Jane already smuggled like a dozen boxes of those for, um, personal use. Nope, what he wanted was some bones that were discovered recently. Time to call Dr. Temperance Brennan.

The bones belonged to a model who disappeared 10 months ago. A closer examination by Maura via Skype shows there was a fetal collarbone amid the remains. Maura and Jane are clearly Skype experts. They use it when Maura is away at medical conferences because sometimes simple phone sex isn’t enough. You should see the SnapChats they send each other during work.

Maura presses Susie for more information. Like mother, like daughter. Could Fake Dr. Asshole and the model have been killed in the same way? A fluoroscope shows they both have crushed hyoid bones and a distinctive three-pronged marking. That’s not consistent with one of Maura’s killer elbow strikes. Jane tells Susie Maura would be proud of her. Senior Criminologist Chang chokes up a bit. She says Maura is her hero. And then quickly adds Jane, too, because Jane is scary and legally carries a firearm.

Oh, Susie. We just want you to be able to get back to your endearing crotchblocky ways where you show up just when things are getting good between Jane and Maura and we all yell, “SUSIE!” at the top of our lungs at our screens. You know, like normal.

Have you noticed the masterful thing the Rizzoli & Isles writers have done this episode. Each week we’re like, “Homicide-schmomicide. Bring on the Adorable Bickersons!” But this week we have to pay attention to the case because the case is about the Adorable Bickersons and preventing them from adorably bickering. I see what you’ve done there, show. Sneaky. Very sneaky.

The DNA from the fetal bone comes back to, will you look at that, the famous golf pro. He also knew the bouncer/fake butt doctor, who he hired to get rid of the evidence that showed he killed his model mistress/baby mama. The detectives go to confront him and he hands Frost his keys thinking he’s the valet. Of, so a douchebag, murderer and a little racist? Cool. The key fob happens to be crown-shaped brass knuckles with three distinct points. Jane has never been happier to curl her fingers around something. And that includes the dirty things you’re thinking about right now.

With the case solved, Dr. Smirnoff Popov finally arrives to what he thinks are rousing applause. But the standing ovation is for the triumphant return of Dr. Maura Isles, of course. She goes straight for Jane, of course. They hug and they hug and it’s like no one else in the world exists. But, dammit, the entire department is there so instead Jane and Maura link arms and whisper to each other about private showings of Maura’s new prison tats. Also she kept the orange jumpsuit. Hey, authenticity is key to good role playing.

And now, your Orange Is the New Black/Rizzoli & Isles crossover tweets of the week. Just call it Caged Gayzzoli.

 

                           

 

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