Archive

“Orange is the New Black” recap (1.9): F*cksgiving

Kitchen!

Nichols is here! (Hi, Nichols!) She’s dropped in to peel some carrots because Luschek never showed up for work in the electrical shop. Red tells her to get her ass off the counter and help with the real Thanksgiving factory reject turkey bits that are happening this year. Or, as Nichols points out, real turkey anuses. At least it’ll make nice gravy.

Red finds Mustache’s first drug smuggling shipment-and she flushes it. Oh, man, things are going to get messy.

Salon!

Sophia washes Chapman’s hair. Chapman tears up-being touched in a non-creepy way by another person is rare in here. While the Sister reads about wakeful rest, Chapman wonders aloud if she’d be OK if Larry wanted to transition. She thinks she could handle it, but notes that Larry wouldn’t be the most attractive lady.

Oh, no-it’s Chapman’s first holiday in prison and she’s pretty fragile. Sophia sweetly says she’ll Heidi Klum chapman out for her visit.

Images Courtesy of Netflix. Photos by Eric Liebowitz

Dorms!

A bigger oh, no-I think we’re watching some homemade abortion tea happen for Diaz. Those things do not have a reputation for being safe. Mendoza assures Diaz that the tea (and a pill) will take care of it just as Maria, who just had to give up her baby, walks in, gets into bed, and sinks into depression. This is going to be an intense episode, kids. Mendoza gets a couple of Snickers for her troubles.

Laundry!

Doggett is talking about praying for the souls of dead babies and hopes they’ll get into heaven. Her deep emotion snaps right off when she’s done dictating. Doggett’s blonde minion is getting it all down for Doggett’s correspondents. Yes, Doggett gets fan mail-and she wants her fans to know she’ll be out by 2015, before the Rapture. (Should it matter where you are when the Rapture happens? Is there a problem if the room is lead-lined or something?) Alex points out that we already had a Rapture whiff a couple of years ago, and Doggett says that was the Stage I spiritual half, and Rapture II, Physical Absorption of Souls Boogaloo is coming soon. And that Alex’s gay ass is not welcome on the Rapture bus.

Alex calls Doggett an Appalachian meth-head and Doggett announces she’s had it with rich bitches like her.

Dogget flashback!

Goddammit, show. It’s so like Orange Is the New Black to make me feel sympathy for an intolerant little squat like Doggett. I accept this human feeling the show is thrusting upon me, but I do so with deep resentment.

Anyway, a snotty kid who should have been raised better is snotting about Young Doggett’s sneakers because they’re from Payless. The Mean Girls make fun of her whole outfit and her mom’s multiple jobs and call her “Pigsty” when Mom Doggett comes to pick her up. Doggett throws her shoes out the car window. Mom Doggett is not leaving those. Mom Doggett says Doggett is better than any of them since she’s the daughter of a rock drummer. Oh, man. Mom Doggett says those college types are going to lead boring-ass lives and wish they were Doggett. She should maybe manage expectations a little more.

Rec room!

Mustache hangs an anti-suicide poster and yells at the inmates to not hang themselves after the going-away party. He doesn’t want any Thanksgiving suicides. So help me, show, if you make me feel sympathy for Mustache via flashback, there will be trouble.

Alex says Chapman’s new ‘do looks like JonBenet Ramsey. They hang Taystee’s (second-draft) banner together. And reminisce about drug-running world travel. Look how far they’ve come! (Psst! Chapman! Still a really bad idea to have a drug-runner girlfriend!)

Taystee arrives! She’s getting out, bitches! Time to dance!

Alex and Chapman sillydance together, and then start sexydancing together. Doggett wants Mustache to put a stop to the lesbian activity, but he declines. STOP MAKING US AGREE WITH MUSTACHE, SHOW. We all know who Doggett goes running for.

Hallway!

Doggett wormtongues along by Healy, ratting and ratting about all the lesbian sex she’s been seeing. She’s such a pain in the ass that she even irritates Healy. And then she claims Alex and Chapman were the ones she saw having sex in the bathroom that morning and leads him straight to the dance party.

Healy calls Chapman’s dance attempted rape and sends her to SHU. Even Mustache says that’s not cool and Healy goes full-on red-face ballistic. Chapman starts to flip out-she has visitation scheduled-and Mustache tries to settle everything down and takes her away. When Mustache is the voice of reason, a situation has gone very much downhill. Doggett gives a little victory skip as she walks away.

SHU!

It’s bad, you guys. Tiny rooms with red doors and tiny windows and everyone is screaming. Chapman has a cot and a toilet. She’s in there until they decide they feel like letting her out.

Rec room!

Taystee is scared about getting out. She’s been in institutions since she was a kid and doesn’t know how she’ll survive on the outside. Miss Claudette and Pousséy beg to differ. Pousséy says that living in captivity has messed with Taystee’s mind.

Visiting room!

Crazy Eyes’ incredibly WASPY parents are telling her about all the relatives that are visiting for the holiday and correct Suzanne on her swearing. Mind: Blown.

Crystal is there-she’s been making sweet potato casserole for a soup kitchen because she’s awesome. Crystal has a new pastor who’s been very helpful. Um, very helpful. And he’s sweet with Michael. Sophia doesn’t like this. Crystal points out that we don’t always get what we want.

Mom Crazy Eyes does some Universal Momming and bugs Crazy Eyes about her hair. Hee.

Oh, dear, here comes Larry. Nice Fischer talks about how cute he and Chapman are… And breaks the news about SHU. Fischer’s tiny “Please don’t swear at me” is a little heart poke. I’m worried she won’t do well here.

Larry asks Fischer to give his phone number to Healy. Oh, no. Larry finally switches from Demanding Entitled Dude to begging dude and Fischer says she’ll try. Larry asks Fischer to tell piper he loves her.

SHU!

There is nothing for Chapman to do but pace and sleep. And listen to the other prisoners rant. And cry.

Dining hall!

Doggett tells her minion about how her brother shot and roasted a bald eagle last year. She thinks that’s good times.

Alex walks up, grabs Doggett by the face, and kisses her hard. That is taking one for the team with those meth teeth. Alex loudly thanks Doggett for the excellent head the night before. Doggett shouts that Alex is going to Hell, which is not news to Alex.

Oh, all right, Alex is growing on me.

Kitchen!

Red’s Thanksgiving gravy is nearly perfect. Mustache shouts in to undo his tiny scraps of good karma from earlier. He tells everyone to leave but Red and closes a gate behind them. Mustache looks through the produce boxes looking for his product. Uh oh. Red tells him she flushed the pills. Mustache demands that Red put his shipments aside from now on- since Caputo is looking for the drugs and contraband is coming through Red’s kitchen, they’re at a point of mutually assured destruction.

Mustache whips out his cock and pees right into the vat of gravy. And shakes. Mustache threatens to kill Red the next time she messes with him.

Chez Bloom!

Larry is leaving messages throughout the penal system, threatening lawsuits as he goes. Good luck with that rapid bureaucratic action on a holiday! Cal would maybe like to have less drama with his cooking. Larry says he has to cancel the dinner they’re hosting, and Cal sarcasms him into seeing why that’s a bad reaction. It’s not just Thanksgiving, It’s Unexpected Voice of Reason Day.

Cal says Piper would want them to celebrate anyway, and she’s probably fine. This is perhaps a less reasonable statement.

SHU!

Healy slides back the little window. He says Chapman needed a little time out to think about her behavior. Her provocative gay sexual dancing, to be specific. Chapman says “This is illegal. You can’t keep me in here.” Oh, dear, she still hasn’t figured out the power dynamic.

Healy says Alex is a sicko, and Chapman counter-accuses. Oh, no! Chapman gets too real and wonders if Healy is jealous of Alex’s attentions. Pull back, Chapman! She’s not pulling back. She says girls like her don’t bang pretentious, obsessed old men, and she’d much prefer a tall, hot lesbian. PULL BACK, CHAPMAN!

Too late. Chapman gets a “Happy Thanksgiving,” and Healy shuts the little window.

Dorm!

Doggett’s creepy minion is Alex’s bunkmate. She has also stolen Alex’s mattress. Alex tries to report it, but she’s just interrupted some hot guard sex, so no one cares. She can fill out a form and get one in a couple of weeks.

Alex’s Flashback!

At a sleazy club’s backstage door, Alex introduces herself as the daughter of the washed-up rock star who-no. No. NonononononononoNONONONONO! No. Seriously? No. We may never know for sure, but I have some deep concerns.

Dad Alex is happy to see her-and her awesome rack. He notes that he totally would have had sex with her if he hadn’t known she was his daughter, then tries to pull back. This isn’t the big joyful reunion Alex imagined.

As she comes out of the bathroom, Alex meets a nice guy who gives her a dose of perspective on rock and rollers. He also tries to give her a little dose of something else. Nice guy works for an international drug cartel. There are so many hard lessons about nice people on this show.

Dorms!

Mom Diaz brings a glass of water to poor Diaz, who’s feeling awful. Turns out Mendoza gave her fake tea to make her feel wretched on Mom Diaz’s orders. Mom Diaz wants her to have the baby. Diaz doesn’t want to have five baby daddies like her mother does. Mom Diaz says babies are good because there’s still potential that they’ll become something good.

SHU!

Chapman showers, handcuffed, while a male guard keeps watch.

Bathroom!

Alex steps out of her own shower to find her glasses broken. Doggett and her minion aren’t even being subtle as they giggle and run away.

SHU!

Chapman gets shoved a tray with some baloney. There’s mold on it. A voice from the vent says she got a maggot. Chapman asks the vent voice if she’s real. The voice isn’t sure.

Dorms!

Taystee is happily making plans for her release while Sophia listens. Pizza and dancing sounds like a pretty good lineup.

Whoa, the van is here now and she has to leave immediately! There’s no time for her to say goodbye to Pousséy. Pousséy charges up the stairs too late and pounds on the window. Taystee looks up in time to wave back and do a silly little dance. No, I’m not crying. There’s a lot of dust in here.

Chez Bloom!

Cal greets Pete and Polly and gushes that their baby looks like Steve Buscemi. Hee. Oh, lord, P&P are going to be those wash-your-hands-before-you-touch-the-baby parents. P&P also brought a pal from NPR who we’ll just call Fake Ira Glass. Fake Ira Glass loved Larry’s column! Thanksgiving is looking up! Well, for some of us.

SHU!

Chapman bitches to the vent about the insecure, predatory jerks who get to work here. The vent points out that they have the keys, so they always win. The vent can’t remember how long she’s been here. Nine months? A year? They keep the lights on, so you lose all track of time. That’s messed up. Chapman starts to panic. She swears that if they let her out she’ll shut up and do her time and won’t even look at Alex.

Laundry!

Nichols (Hi, Nichols!) walks in to find Alex repairing her glasses. Alex notes that she got made fun of by the same kind of girls who we saw making fun of Doggett. She knows that Nichols would have made fun of her too.

Nichols wonders how Alex knew she grew up rich, and Alex replies, “My business was built on sniffing out girls like you and turning them into drug mules.” Yikes-sounds like Chapman was just part of a pattern. Alex claims she would have turned Young Nichols in a couple of seconds. Nichols explains that she would have been a terrible drug mule, since she would have done all the drugs, but is skeptical that she would have been turned so easily. Alex quickly proves it.

Nichols has the same concerns I do about Alex and Piper’s relationship, but Alex says Piper was different. Hmm.

Chapel!

Sophia tells Sister Ingalls that Crystal is in love with her Pastor. Sophia wants Crystal to stay celibate …for the nearly four years Sophia has left. The Sister counsels letting Crystal go.

Chez Bloom!

Cal and his girlfriend are awesome, even if Cal wants to talk about eating placenta a little too much. Larry is boring the snot out of Fake Ira Glass. Fake Ira is way more into Cal-but there is a possibility that Larry’s story might work for an upcoming theme show about long-distance relationships.

Dining hall!

Dinner looks good! But no gravy. Yoga Jones gives a nice blessing, as does the Sister. Little Boo is still OK! Alex says it doesn’t feel right eating dinner while Chapman is in SHU. “Straight girls,” Nichols sighs, “They’ll fuck you up every time.”

Y’all, I know we’re running out of place for those throw pillows, but this is a worthy addition. I know Chapman is somewhere in the bi spectrum, but it’s still a sentiment worth remembering.

SHU!

Chapman gets a tray of something that might be meatloaf. It’s awful. She tries to bitch with the vent, but the vent isn’t answering.

Healy’s office!

The stink Larry is raising is working and Caputo is pissed: “These liberal wealthy offenders are connected.” He knows the paperwork won’t hold up and wants Chapman out of SHU.

Dining hall!

Diaz wants to keep the baby, but doesn’t want to get Bennett in trouble. Mom Diaz is delighted and says they’ll work something out.

Phones!

Sophia calls Crystal and gives her blessing for the new relationship. Aww.

Outside!

Oh, no. Taystee got an old address, and her cousin isn’t living there anymore. Taystee can stay in the squalid corner, just for the night.

Pharmacy!

Sophia is back to her old dosage! She is truly thankful.

SHU!

Chapman is released. She looks a quick goodbye at the vent.

Healy’s office!

Nice Fischer finally delivers Larry’s number to Healy, even though it’s against regulations. Healy takes it and dials. Oh, no.

Hallway!

Shell-shocked Chapman is back. She goes straight to Alex, grabs her by wrist, and leads her to the chapel. Then they start to make out hard.

What have we learned about having a drug-runner girlfriend, Chapman?

Chapman. Chapman! CHAPMAAAAAN!

Lesbian Apparel and Accessories Gay All Day sweatshirt -- AE exclusive

Related Articles

Leave a Reply

Back to top button