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“Orange is the New Black” recap (1.7): Blood donut

Prison yard!

Morello drives Watson back from SHU. Watson isn’t looking too good. Morello catches Watson up on what she missed, which wasn’t a ton. Watson asks if Morello can put a request in for Red to make the good mashed potatoes tonight. No promises.

Stairwell!

Alex and Nichols (Hi, Nichols!) are playing! Nichols dared Alex to eat six saltines in 30 seconds. Alex says she can’t resist a dare, which has led to a few problems like broken bones and chlamydia. Nichols adds prison to the list, and Alex says that was more of a deal than a dare. She leaves out the part where the deal involved ratting out her ex-girlfriend.

Outside, Watson takes a smell-the-freedom moment and Nichols scoffs that she’s taken dumps that have lasted longer than Watson’s time in solitary. Boo is also not feeling the magic.

Watson’s flashback!

The boys run past and declare it’s boys chase girls time. Watson can sass better and run faster than the boys… and ends up getting called a show-off. The boys hang out with the girls who ran slower and didn’t give any lip, leaving young Watson alone.

Healy’s office!

It’s the first meeting of the Women’s Advisory Council! Chapman seems to be resigned to her spot on it. Ooh, Healy brought doughnuts! Maria and Taystee suggest second pillows, rooster sauce, and Fifty Shades of Grey. Chapman has misread the situation again: She suggests preventive care, jogging, legal advice, and the GED program. Taystee astutely spots (and mocks) Chapman’s teaching ambitions.

Images Courtesy of Netflix. Photo by Eric Liebowitz

Healy says that due to budget woes, they can either have their changes or they can have doughnuts and coffee at their monthly meetings. Everyone but Chapman goes for doughnuts.

Hallway!

Taystee explains that this WAC thing is a boondoggle, and that she’s up for a possible good-behavior early release, so she would rather not make waves, thanks. Chapman is surprisingly bummed.

Laundry!

Doggett is not taking her loss to Chapman well, and, since the election was totally fixed, she does have a point. Doggett polls the laundry room, and no one voted for Chapman. Doggett compares herself to Jesus because she has been so betrayed.

Stall with the door!

Chapman can’t resist checking out the contraband cell phone. She briefly considers texting her tutu, then realizes no good can come of that. I’m glad she’s learned something. Chapman starts playing that Snake game that used to come with old cell phones, then is interrupted by an incoming dick pic. I was actually sort of glad to see that Diablo and his not-insane girlfriend have a more reciprocal relationship than I thought.

Chapman is interrupted by a bang on the door, but holds her ground and her snake game. Way to get your fingerprints all over the contraband phone, Chapman.

Kitchen!

Miss Claudette is making some dessert with Red. How did this alliance not happen sooner? Well, anyway, I’m glad it is. Red says Norma, who doesn’t speak, got her a vocabulary improvement book out of the library. I am very interested in seeing Norma’s flashback.

Red spotted Claudette over a law book the other night, just saying. Claudette wants vanilla, and Red gets it from a locked hiding place. She says “You get too comfortable, people take advantage,” and she makes a mustache.

Crawlspace!

Watson and Chapman crawl around looking for an electrical problem. Chapman will not shut the hell up. Chapman discovers that a wire has been chewed through and reminisces about her brother’s pet rat. Watson had a very different experience with rats as a child.

Chapman is being super nice to Watson. Watson, who has figured out more about prison than Chapman, knows that no one is that nice here without a reason. She figures out that Chapman must be the one who lost the screwdriver that got her sent down to SHU, and she is seriously pissed.

Rec room!

Diaz teaches Fischer, the new guard, how to play dominoes. Bennett smiles at them.

Morello shows Norma her vision board of places she’s going to travel when she gets out. Norma responds to a particularly good part of Morello’s plan by writing “indubitably” on her note pad.

Oh. Wow. Boo just walked in with an extremely cute dog. I know I should be happy, but I am very, very concerned for the well being of this dog, you guys. Prison has taught me not to trust anything that seems too good. I mean, um, yay!

Tricia discourages Taystee from wanting to get out too soon. “The Road Not Taken” comes up, and Chapman explains that it doesn’t mean what everyone thinks it means; that it’s really about assigning artificial meaning to our meaningless lives in hindsight. Taystee and Tricia are vastly annoyed with her for being overeducated and thus a buzzkill. This can’t be the first time this has happened. Tricia says she’ll kill Chapman in her sleep and Taystee approves.

Caputo grossly and inappropriately flirts with Fischer the new guard by talking about how a lot of dog names sound like something filthy. Like shih tzu. Fischer contributes “poodle,” and I think we might have a socially awkward love connection.

Boo names her dog Little Boo. Stay well, Little Boo.

Laundry!

Chapman brings her bundle down and Alex is there. Alex lets her drop off a late bundle. Chapman tries reminiscing about staying at the Four Seasons together. No dice. Finally Chapman says there are no hard feelings, and asks to be friends. Alex snots away. Really? Has Alex forgotten who did the ratting out here?

Healy’s house!

Healy’s wife and mother-in-law are arguing over pole dancing classes in Ukrainian. Healy’s wife is wearing her new dress. Healy asks for English at the table, and Mother-in-Law subtitles “Two more years for a green card.” Poor Healy. Healy’s wife says her new dress is very… Blue. Mom-in-law seems to think Healy’s an OK guy, but will be taking advantage of him nonetheless.

Bar!

Larry whines about how much couples only hang out with couples and how much of a loser he looks with being out with his coupled-up friends. Rough life, Larry. Polly asserts their right to complain no matter what. Polly’s husband Pete tries for the positive. And congratulates Larry on the very column he promised not to write. Prick.

Dorms!

There are what sound like loud sex noises, but it’s Watson working out because the track is closed. Her dorm mates are not fans of the midnight training regimen.

Watson Flashback!

Young Watson just ran for a high school track record. But it’s still her friend who gets the boyfriend.

Dorms!

Yoga Jones is here. She tries to talk Watson down, saying she knows what it’s like to be pissed off and feel like the world owes you something. I want to see all the flashbacks. Jones says Watson’s already ahead on the mind-body connection. Watson tries to get under Jones’ skin, but she doesn’t letter happen. Watson tries to figure out what Jones did until she guesses “You kill a kid?” Jones smacks her hard enough to draw blood.

Healy’s office!

Healy is studying Ukranian. Chapman comes in to talk about the running track. Chapman points out (correctly) that half an hour of walking a day saves on long-term medical costs and mentions the YouTube “23 ½ Hours” video that illustrates that. No one cares. Caputo stops in just for a moment to be be a dick.

Healy tells Chapman that if she can find the missing cell phone on the inside, he’ll re-open the track. Um.

Dorms!

Mustache dicks over to Bennett to ask why he’s so happy. He thinks Bennett must have gotten laid and wants the details. Bennett and Diaz, you have GOT to take some time off from being schmoopy to work on your poker faces. Ugh, just when you think Mendez can’t get cruder, he does.

Bennett finally gives in and makes up a girlfriend. Mendez is in rapture.

Rec room!

Taystee’s friends are having a mock early release hearing so she can study. Taystee explains that the one of the only times she’s ever gotten in trouble while inside was for a totally justified smacking of a bitch. Pousséy suggests going lighter on the bitch smacking parts. Both friends coach her on what to say about what she’s learned.

Both friends also laugh at the idea that Taystee might go to college, which pisses her off. Taystee would like to be a law secretary, which I can kind of see. The question that gives them all pause is what Taystee will do with her hair.

Bathroom!

Chapman hears Stall Woman talking to Diablo. Stall Woman walks out and eats some toilet paper. For pretend-mentally ill effect? Or maybe she’s really into fiber. Chapman goes in and nabs the phone. At least she has the good sense to flush.

Hallway!

Doggett catches her on the way to Healy’s office and accuses her of teacher’s petting. And also shows Chapman her meth teeth. Doggett says her cousin got all new teeth. I’m not clear on where she’s going with this. Chapman says she doesn’t think the WAC can get Pennsyltucky new teeth. Doggett says, probably correctly, that the prison authorities will treat Chapman well and then drop her. Doggett asks what Chapman is selling everyone out for.

Kitchen!

Red is busy peeling spuds, and Mustache dicks in and demands that she make him a sandwich. There is a horrible part of me that is kind of rooting for him to get stabbed. Mendez pressures Red to help him smuggle drugs in through her kitchen. Red doesn’t do that. She says he has nothing to threaten her with. Mendez knocks a bin to the floor and says things are getting messy.

Healy’s office!

Healy notes that everything has been deleted from the phone except for the one picture Chapman saw. She won’t say where she found it or whose it is. Healy won’t open the track unless she rats someone out. Chapman tells him to enjoy the phone and leaves.

Salon!

Taystee is pouting. She and her friends try to choose a cut and speculate on the racial makeup of the parole board. They decide Taystee needs to look like the white girl’s black best friend in the movies, which is kind of genius. Taystee suggests 2009 Rihanna. Oof.

Caputo’s office!

Figueroa Who Never Helps Anyone tosses the phone onto Caputo’s desk. That man has had a lot of vagina thrown on his desk lately. Figueroa says Healy found it. Caputo tries to throw shade on Healy, but it doesn’t stick.

Hallway!

Chapman is repairing a light. She’s really getting better at this. Or at least one hopes. Fischer, the nice new guard, holds her ladder steady, then says she thinks she knows Chapman. Turns out Fischer used to bag her groceries back in Red Hook. Chapman used to forget her cloth bags all the time and then go get them and make Fischer repack her groceries. We’re not even remotely surprised by this information.

Fischer says she thinks she and Chapman are the same; they both made mistakes, but only one of them got caught. Chapman asks Fischer if she’d like to help boost morale.

Laundry!

Doggett’s mouthing off, shouting that Chapman must be blowing Healy. She’s so very compassionate, just like Jesus, that she thinks Chapman needs to be broken down. Alex finally steps in and acknowledges that yes, Chapman is a major, entitled pain in the ass, but it’s time to shut up. She awesomely threatens to sneak up in the dead of night and turn Doggett gay if she doesn’t give it a rest.

I mean, OK, yes, entirely inappropriate and wrong. But still awesome.

Yoga class!

Watson peeks in just to look.

Watson flashback!

There’s a coked-up party happening. A guy asks Watson to chat with his friend. She’s nervous. The Lord of the Party asks if Watson is the track and field girl, then tells her to leave. The Party Lord is OK: He tells Watson she can have something real and shouldn’t screw that up by hanging out with him and his crew of thugs. He offers her money for new sneakers and an escort home. Watson is humiliated. And, oh, no, she runs into exactly the wrong sleazebag on her way out the door. Run, Watson, run!

Bar!

Larry yells at a guy for undertipping the bartender. As should we all. The pretty bartender buys him a drink. Larry worries out loud that he looks pathetic, and thus does. Larry sads that his fiancée is in prison and he feels guilty for chatting up the pretty bartender. That is how not to pick up your bartender.

CO hallway!

Caputo will be opening the track eight hours a week, thanks to Fischer’s volunteering and smart plan to save health care money in the long run. Healy is annoyed. Caputo calls Fischer one smart piece of ass. Ugh.

Bathroom!

Stall Woman discovers her phone is gone and flips right the hell out… And breaks the remaining stall door. Oh, hello: Her name is Flores. Now there is nowhere to comfortably drop a deuce in the entire prison. Chapman feels bad.

Hallway!

Taystee’s hair is in a demure bun. She’s nervous about her hearing. O’Neill reminds her that making them wait won’t help. She goes in to face the board.

Watson flashback!

Oh, Shesus, Watson and her new asshole boyfriend are just completing a robbery. The cops are coming. Watson runs faster than her boyfriend, fast enough to get away, but her boyfriend tells her not to show off. She turns back, the cop catches her… and asshole boyfriend runs. Do not have a sleazebag thief boyfriend.

Prison track!

A few women walk. Watson runs. She’s happy. She runs past Chapman and says they’re still not even. Healy watches them run with an inscrutable expression on his face.

Good show all around, everyone! Let’s all go for a refreshing walk. And promise not to sneak up and turn each other gay without specific permission. Or at least a very good reason.

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