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“The Real Housewives of New Jersey” recap (5.7): Teresa’s Great Leap Forward

The Real Housewives of New Jersey is of special interest to AfterEllen because it’s the only Real Housewives franchise to regularly feature a lesbian woman. Rosie Pierri, Kathy’s sister, is a butch-looking lesbo who came out to her family only recently, and spoke at length about her struggle with her sexuality and being different among a group of hyper-feminine Jersey girls. Now in Season 4, Rosie appears in almost every episode as an accepted and beloved member of the Wakile family. Kathy Wakile, a Real Housewife of New Jersey, is a cousin to Housewife Teresa Giudice (maiden name: Teresa Gorga] and step cousin to Melissa Gorga, another Housewife.

While The Real Housewives of New Jersey may be filled with dysfunctional drama and shouting wives, it’s also a show that focuses on the connections between family members, and the negative consequences when those connections break. Through it all, Rosie’s sexuality is treated with unquestioning respect; it’s a refreshing depiction of an imperfect, authentic gay woman making her own place in a conservative family.

This week our merry band of screamers go on a stress relief retreat, because there’s nothing more soothing than sitting in the woods with estranged family. It’s practically yoga.

Melissa’s House

Spontaneous dance breaks out as it is wont to do. Melissa and Joe discuss their ultra soothing upcoming adventure and discuss strategy to foil Teresa’s potential plots. The lineup for their stress relief retreat is set:

Joe the Gorga vs. Joe the Grotesque

Melissa vs. Teresa

It will be their 1,000th match.

More children dancing. They have yet to realize their genetic inheritance. Teresa tells Joe that a relationship expert will be joining them on the stress relief retreat.

Teresa: We never fight. We only fight because you [Melissa] and I don’t get along.

Melissa: You didn’t just fight and throw water at the gym?

Zing! +4 Melissa.

Teresa: It got to this point because of you and me.

Joe Gorga: No. That’s wrong.

That shuts Teresa down. The group bicker mildly until Joe Grotesque steps in with his signature charm. “Did you hear those farts I was doing upstairs?” Joe the Flatulent gurgles. “I tried to make them as loud as possible so you guys could hear it.” Odious Joe sniggers. Everyone else winces.

Team Building Ballroom

Steve the team building professional arrives with his turtle-necked partner. They are chipper nerds and the gang is not impressed, because the gang does not respect anyone that boring looking. Steve tells the class about his illustrious 15 year career in the respected field of team building. “I actually just got back from The Middle East,” Steve says. “Boy do they need help there.” Astute insight, Steve. If there’s anyone who can fix the whole Palestine/Israel rift, it’s Steve the team building professional. No one asks where in the middle east Steve was mending fences, and Steve does not clarify. The Middle East is basically the same, obvi. Like Canada.

Exercise 1: The gang must all stand on three colored squares within a circle on the floor. This is difficult because there are more than three people. They must get really close, and voila the years of backstabbing dysfunction melts away like a New Jersey snowfall. “I’m the best” Joe Grotesque crows with excitement at discovering a new skill.

Melissa: I think Joe Giudice is so into these games because his brain can understand the content of what we’re doing.

Snap! +6 Melissa. She may not be brilliant, but she can do bitchy quite well.

Exercise 2: The gang pair off (except Rosie, the lesbian spinster, who must go in threesies) and play thumb war. After a brief scuffle, Steve reveals that because he refers to them as partners, not competitors. So meaningful. Actually I have no idea what he means. Steve’s psychological manipulation is beyond my comprehension. -7 points to Steve the team building expert, for outwitting me yet again.

Steve begins a discussion on loyalty and all hell breaks loose. Teresa rants about Jacqueline, who betrayed her by revealing her plot to frame Melissa as a stripper. “I DARED HER TO COME,” Teresa yells, momentarily forgetting that all she wants is for Jacqueline to leave her alone. Everyone starts shouting in a shockingly synchronized fashion while Steve bleats, “Guys…” helplessly. Melissa throws herself at Teresa’s feet dramatically, pleading, “Stop hurting us. I forgive you.”

Teresa has done nothing to be forgiven, ever, so Melissa’s begging just infuriates her. “I have no pride,” moans Saint Melissa. “You are the queen. Let me kiss your ring.” A brilliant move for Melissa. By humbling herself in the most dramatic of fashions, she effectively puts Teresa in the position of making peace or looking the an unforgiving, emotionally crippled alligator. Teresa knows this, and can’t accept Melissa’s overblown apology; Teresa will never accept it, and grabs onto anything to sustain a battle and make Melissa the villain. “She wants to move her kids,” Teresa shouts, knowing the fault is irrelevant but willing to say anything. Storming away, Melissa calls “I am a Gorga. My name is Melissa Gorga.” And just like that, the scene fades to black.

Rosie: The only way to fix it is for outsiders to come through.

Rosie is feeling helpful because a few episodes back Teresa and RoRo got wasted, bellowed at each other in a crowded restaurant, and then felt connected once more. Roro continues, saying Teresa knows a relationship expert named Dr. V who would come to retreat and help the family communicate below foghorn levels. Nothing says “in possession of a legitimate degree” like going by a single initial. All the better to avoid pesky background checks.

“Is Dr. V for Dr. Va-Jay-Jay,” Melissa shrieks, and the RV breaks into self-satisfied titters. Va-Jay-Jay is funny because Rosie is a lesbian, you see, so she likes vagina. Clever. -5 for Melissa.

Teresa’s Enormous SUV

Teresa rants about Jacqueline, who she blames for destroying her relationship with her loving brother and close confidant Melissa. “She’s a whack job” sputters Joe Grotesque. “She texted me saying I shouldn’t let the fighting between you affect my relationship with Chris.” Joe is enraged, like a territorial hippo. How dare Jacqueline try not to let her fractured relationship with Teresa damage the friendship between their husbands. The bish.

Haunted Stress Relief Mansion

High upon New Jersey’s rocky slopes sits a building of ash grey stone, surrounded by weatherbeaten cherub statues and the muffled moans of horrors past. It is here, where so many have trod before, that Teresa’s Great Leap Forward will begin, with a coven of housewives and a malicious grin. Legit the place is creepy. Black fence trimmed with spikes, walls that fade into fog, nestled among hillside slopes encased in snow, all the better for an errant foe to slip in.

“The castle is beautiful, so ornate,” Teresa says. To Teresa, hell is minimalism. “I just hope there are no ghosts because there’s a witch coming. Maybe they’ll get along.” A great wit, that Teresa. -1 point.

Lambert Castle

If one set of housewives visit a “castle,” Caroline must visit a “castle.” Let’s get something straight: Castles are old. Castles house royalty. Castles have history past 1994. Castles do not live in New Jersey. You can’t put lipstick on a pig, and you can’t dub a New Jersey McMansion “castle.” Caroline and hubbie discuss their usual topics. Caroline is not going on the Haunted Stress Relief Retreat because bitches be crazy and she’s learned to leave that family saga alone. Caroline’s husband reveals that he was very attached to his father, and Caroline wants hubby to work less. Gripping stuff.

Jacqueline’s House

Jacqueline and Chris aren’t going on the Haunted Stress Relief Retreat because they have real shit going on, and Jacqueline doesn’t have the time or energy to deal with Teresa’s misplaced anger. Their young son Nick is autistic, and Jacqueline is trying every possible option to help him live a normal life.

Haunted Stress Relief Mansion

Rosie, Kathy, and Melissa arrive with their respective spouses in tow. Except for Rosie, the lonely lesbian spinster. Poor thing. She probably never gets to meet gays, not hanging around this lot. Melissa compares Teresa to witch within second of arriving, proving that mediocre minds really do think alike. The gang grunts in greeting and Teresa is perplexed to discover than Caroline and Jacqueline, who are not her friends, chose not to participate in Teresa’s Great Leap Forward.

“Jacqueline is having trouble with Nick so she decided to stay,” placates Kathy.

“Really?!” shrieks Teresa “She was having trouble with Nick?! That’s funny because two days ago she was calling me a moron on Twitter.” Technically Jacqueline did not call Teresa a moron; she said something about “Not being able to reason with morons,” which was obviously about Teresa. Teresa, a moron, cannot see how taking care of an autistic son is unrelated to Twitter. To Teresa, all roads lead to Teresa; Teresa is all Teresa can think about, and she is forever baffled when others fail to share her interest. Teresa continues to confront the rest of her enemies/family about failing to confront Jacqueline, Teresa’s other enemy over the tweet. She is a saint, she is Mao, she is the leader, and this is her Great Leap Forward.

Kathy’s Room

Rosie, Kathy, and Rich the gremlin discuss Teresa’s ill-conceived anger at Jacqueline’s tweet. Rich refers to himself in the third person.

Teresa’s Room

Teresa: I think Jacqueline is out to hurt me. Leave me the hell alone.

Joe Grotesque: She keeps spouting about this poor little kid as an excuse. A lot of people have autism. It’s not really that bad of a disease. Some of them are like scientists.

UGH AWFUL WORST. Teresa corrects him, saying Joe doesn’t know what he’s talking about (but when does he ever). Teresa rarely contradicts Joe, but I doubt she’s speaking up out of genuine compassion or awareness; rather, Teresa is a TV veteran who knows that you do not talk shit about autism and get away with it. I’d bet anything we’ll see this comment brought up at the reunion.”I know my husband,” Teresa blathers. “And he does not have a mean bone in his body.” Joe Giudice, who referred to his husband as a cunt on national TV when he thought no one was watching. This hints at the deep level of delusion in Teresa. She’s lying, and she knows she’s lying, but she thinks the audience won’t notice. The Giudice’s are stupid people utterly convinced of the stupidity of others.

Lunch In Dining Room

Day one is team building exercises; tomorrow Dr. V/Va-Jay Jay the relationship expert with come to aid communication and fix broken family links. I am super stoked to see the RHONJ and co play team building exercises. Team building exercises are the absolute worst, and if there was ever a group of not-team players it’s The Real Housewives. Of anywhere.

Rosie talks remorsefully of her hot-headed tendencies aka SCREAMING IN PUBLIC ALL THE TIME. Rosie has grown a lot in the last few weeks, since exchanging bellows with Teresa in a crowded restaurant. Rosie, attired in her signature newsboy cap, is so zen. God I hate Rosie’s hats.

The topic turns to fighting, and Teresa already knows how the troubles between her and her brother begun.

Teresa: We never fight. We only fight because you [Melissa] and I don’t get along.

Melissa: You didn’t just fight and throw water at the gym?

Zing! +4 Melissa.

Teresa: It got to this point because of you and me.

Joe Gorga: No. That’s wrong.

That shuts Teresa down. The group bicker mildly until Joe Grotesque steps in with his signature charm. “Did you hear those farts I was doing upstairs?” Joe the Flatulent gurgles. “I tried to make them as loud as possible so you guys could hear it.” Odious Joe sniggers. Everyone else winces.

Team Building Ballroom

Steve the team building professional arrives with his turtle-necked partner. They are chipper nerds and the gang is not impressed, because the gang does not respect anyone that boring looking. Steve tells the class about his illustrious 15 year career in the respected field of team building. “I actually just got back from The Middle East,” Steve says. “Boy do they need help there.” Astute insight, Steve. If there’s anyone who can fix the whole Palestine/Israel rift, it’s Steve the team building professional. No one asks where in the middle east Steve was mending fences, and Steve does not clarify. The Middle East is basically the same, obvi. Like Canada.

Exercise 1: The gang must all stand on three colored squares within a circle on the floor. This is difficult because there are more than three people. They must get really close, and voila the years of backstabbing dysfunction melts away like a New Jersey snowfall. “I’m the best” Joe Grotesque crows with excitement at discovering a new skill.

Melissa: I think Joe Giudice is so into these games because his brain can understand the content of what we’re doing.

Snap! +6 Melissa. She may not be brilliant, but she can do bitchy quite well.

Exercise 2: The gang pair off (except Rosie, the lesbian spinster, who must go in threesies) and play thumb war. After a brief scuffle, Steve reveals that because he refers to them as partners, not competitors. So meaningful. Actually I have no idea what he means. Steve’s psychological manipulation is beyond my comprehension. -7 points to Steve the team building expert, for outwitting me yet again.

Steve begins a discussion on loyalty and all hell breaks loose. Teresa rants about Jacqueline, who betrayed her by revealing her plot to frame Melissa as a stripper. “I DARED HER TO COME,” Teresa yells, momentarily forgetting that all she wants is for Jacqueline to leave her alone. Everyone starts shouting in a shockingly synchronized fashion while Steve bleats, “Guys…” helplessly. Melissa throws herself at Teresa’s feet dramatically, pleading, “Stop hurting us. I forgive you.”

Teresa has done nothing to be forgiven, ever, so Melissa’s begging just infuriates her. “I have no pride,” moans Saint Melissa. “You are the queen. Let me kiss your ring.” A brilliant move for Melissa. By humbling herself in the most dramatic of fashions, she effectively puts Teresa in the position of making peace or looking the an unforgiving, emotionally crippled alligator. Teresa knows this, and can’t accept Melissa’s overblown apology; Teresa will never accept it, and grabs onto anything to sustain a battle and make Melissa the villain. “She wants to move her kids,” Teresa shouts, knowing the fault is irrelevant but willing to say anything. Storming away, Melissa calls “I am a Gorga. My name is Melissa Gorga.” And just like that, the scene fades to black.

Teresa: I may seem really calm on the outside, but I am anxious on the inside.

Teresa never seems calm. Ever. Maybe it’s time to start creating a RHONJ drinking came. Rule 1: every time Teresa says something delusional you drink. You gon’ get fucked up.

Kathy’s House

Poor Kathy. All she wants is to be liked, but Teresa won’t give her the time of day and Rich, her husband, is too convinced of his own wit to notice people are flinching. The gang trickle in adorned in bags of pink leopard and newsboy caps. Their long, black SUVs are only slightly less enormous than the RV set to transport the Gorga and Wakile family.

“I like the hat,” Joe Gorga tells RoRo, who is never seen without a newsboy cap. Joe Gorga knows Newsies is due for a revival. +1 to Joe. Topic moves to the inevitable: Teresa. “Teresa has never admitted any wrongdoing. I don’t think she even knows how to spell ‘retreat.'”

Zing! But not really. “Someone can’t even spell [whatever word] jokes are very done, and “retreat” is not a hard word to spell, even for a moron.” -2 points for Rich.

RV

Rich: Why are we even going up there?

Kathy: For progress!

Yes, Kathy, progress. Progress in the sense that Mao’s Great Leap Forward was progress, and with about as much likelihood of success. Progress, chirps Kathy, wide eyed with dreams of of equality for all big and small in the glorious People’s Republic Of New Jersey.

Rosie: The only way to fix it is for outsiders to come through.

Rosie is feeling helpful because a few episodes back Teresa and RoRo got wasted, bellowed at each other in a crowded restaurant, and then felt connected once more. Roro continues, saying Teresa knows a relationship expert named Dr. V who would come to retreat and help the family communicate below foghorn levels. Nothing says “in possession of a legitimate degree” like going by a single initial. All the better to avoid pesky background checks.

“Is Dr. V for Dr. Va-Jay-Jay,” Melissa shrieks, and the RV breaks into self-satisfied titters. Va-Jay-Jay is funny because Rosie is a lesbian, you see, so she likes vagina. Clever. -5 for Melissa.

Teresa’s Enormous SUV

Teresa rants about Jacqueline, who she blames for destroying her relationship with her loving brother and close confidant Melissa. “She’s a whack job” sputters Joe Grotesque. “She texted me saying I shouldn’t let the fighting between you affect my relationship with Chris.” Joe is enraged, like a territorial hippo. How dare Jacqueline try not to let her fractured relationship with Teresa damage the friendship between their husbands. The bish.

Haunted Stress Relief Mansion

High upon New Jersey’s rocky slopes sits a building of ash grey stone, surrounded by weatherbeaten cherub statues and the muffled moans of horrors past. It is here, where so many have trod before, that Teresa’s Great Leap Forward will begin, with a coven of housewives and a malicious grin. Legit the place is creepy. Black fence trimmed with spikes, walls that fade into fog, nestled among hillside slopes encased in snow, all the better for an errant foe to slip in.

“The castle is beautiful, so ornate,” Teresa says. To Teresa, hell is minimalism. “I just hope there are no ghosts because there’s a witch coming. Maybe they’ll get along.” A great wit, that Teresa. -1 point.

Lambert Castle

If one set of housewives visit a “castle,” Caroline must visit a “castle.” Let’s get something straight: Castles are old. Castles house royalty. Castles have history past 1994. Castles do not live in New Jersey. You can’t put lipstick on a pig, and you can’t dub a New Jersey McMansion “castle.” Caroline and hubbie discuss their usual topics. Caroline is not going on the Haunted Stress Relief Retreat because bitches be crazy and she’s learned to leave that family saga alone. Caroline’s husband reveals that he was very attached to his father, and Caroline wants hubby to work less. Gripping stuff.

Jacqueline’s House

Jacqueline and Chris aren’t going on the Haunted Stress Relief Retreat because they have real shit going on, and Jacqueline doesn’t have the time or energy to deal with Teresa’s misplaced anger. Their young son Nick is autistic, and Jacqueline is trying every possible option to help him live a normal life.

Haunted Stress Relief Mansion

Rosie, Kathy, and Melissa arrive with their respective spouses in tow. Except for Rosie, the lonely lesbian spinster. Poor thing. She probably never gets to meet gays, not hanging around this lot. Melissa compares Teresa to witch within second of arriving, proving that mediocre minds really do think alike. The gang grunts in greeting and Teresa is perplexed to discover than Caroline and Jacqueline, who are not her friends, chose not to participate in Teresa’s Great Leap Forward.

“Jacqueline is having trouble with Nick so she decided to stay,” placates Kathy.

“Really?!” shrieks Teresa “She was having trouble with Nick?! That’s funny because two days ago she was calling me a moron on Twitter.” Technically Jacqueline did not call Teresa a moron; she said something about “Not being able to reason with morons,” which was obviously about Teresa. Teresa, a moron, cannot see how taking care of an autistic son is unrelated to Twitter. To Teresa, all roads lead to Teresa; Teresa is all Teresa can think about, and she is forever baffled when others fail to share her interest. Teresa continues to confront the rest of her enemies/family about failing to confront Jacqueline, Teresa’s other enemy over the tweet. She is a saint, she is Mao, she is the leader, and this is her Great Leap Forward.

Kathy’s Room

Rosie, Kathy, and Rich the gremlin discuss Teresa’s ill-conceived anger at Jacqueline’s tweet. Rich refers to himself in the third person.

Teresa’s Room

Teresa: I think Jacqueline is out to hurt me. Leave me the hell alone.

Joe Grotesque: She keeps spouting about this poor little kid as an excuse. A lot of people have autism. It’s not really that bad of a disease. Some of them are like scientists.

UGH AWFUL WORST. Teresa corrects him, saying Joe doesn’t know what he’s talking about (but when does he ever). Teresa rarely contradicts Joe, but I doubt she’s speaking up out of genuine compassion or awareness; rather, Teresa is a TV veteran who knows that you do not talk shit about autism and get away with it. I’d bet anything we’ll see this comment brought up at the reunion.”I know my husband,” Teresa blathers. “And he does not have a mean bone in his body.” Joe Giudice, who referred to his husband as a cunt on national TV when he thought no one was watching. This hints at the deep level of delusion in Teresa. She’s lying, and she knows she’s lying, but she thinks the audience won’t notice. The Giudice’s are stupid people utterly convinced of the stupidity of others.

Lunch In Dining Room

Day one is team building exercises; tomorrow Dr. V/Va-Jay Jay the relationship expert with come to aid communication and fix broken family links. I am super stoked to see the RHONJ and co play team building exercises. Team building exercises are the absolute worst, and if there was ever a group of not-team players it’s The Real Housewives. Of anywhere.

Rosie talks remorsefully of her hot-headed tendencies aka SCREAMING IN PUBLIC ALL THE TIME. Rosie has grown a lot in the last few weeks, since exchanging bellows with Teresa in a crowded restaurant. Rosie, attired in her signature newsboy cap, is so zen. God I hate Rosie’s hats.

The topic turns to fighting, and Teresa already knows how the troubles between her and her brother begun.

Teresa: We never fight. We only fight because you [Melissa] and I don’t get along.

Melissa: You didn’t just fight and throw water at the gym?

Zing! +4 Melissa.

Teresa: It got to this point because of you and me.

Joe Gorga: No. That’s wrong.

That shuts Teresa down. The group bicker mildly until Joe Grotesque steps in with his signature charm. “Did you hear those farts I was doing upstairs?” Joe the Flatulent gurgles. “I tried to make them as loud as possible so you guys could hear it.” Odious Joe sniggers. Everyone else winces.

Team Building Ballroom

Steve the team building professional arrives with his turtle-necked partner. They are chipper nerds and the gang is not impressed, because the gang does not respect anyone that boring looking. Steve tells the class about his illustrious 15 year career in the respected field of team building. “I actually just got back from The Middle East,” Steve says. “Boy do they need help there.” Astute insight, Steve. If there’s anyone who can fix the whole Palestine/Israel rift, it’s Steve the team building professional. No one asks where in the middle east Steve was mending fences, and Steve does not clarify. The Middle East is basically the same, obvi. Like Canada.

Exercise 1: The gang must all stand on three colored squares within a circle on the floor. This is difficult because there are more than three people. They must get really close, and voila the years of backstabbing dysfunction melts away like a New Jersey snowfall. “I’m the best” Joe Grotesque crows with excitement at discovering a new skill.

Melissa: I think Joe Giudice is so into these games because his brain can understand the content of what we’re doing.

Snap! +6 Melissa. She may not be brilliant, but she can do bitchy quite well.

Exercise 2: The gang pair off (except Rosie, the lesbian spinster, who must go in threesies) and play thumb war. After a brief scuffle, Steve reveals that because he refers to them as partners, not competitors. So meaningful. Actually I have no idea what he means. Steve’s psychological manipulation is beyond my comprehension. -7 points to Steve the team building expert, for outwitting me yet again.

Steve begins a discussion on loyalty and all hell breaks loose. Teresa rants about Jacqueline, who betrayed her by revealing her plot to frame Melissa as a stripper. “I DARED HER TO COME,” Teresa yells, momentarily forgetting that all she wants is for Jacqueline to leave her alone. Everyone starts shouting in a shockingly synchronized fashion while Steve bleats, “Guys…” helplessly. Melissa throws herself at Teresa’s feet dramatically, pleading, “Stop hurting us. I forgive you.”

Teresa has done nothing to be forgiven, ever, so Melissa’s begging just infuriates her. “I have no pride,” moans Saint Melissa. “You are the queen. Let me kiss your ring.” A brilliant move for Melissa. By humbling herself in the most dramatic of fashions, she effectively puts Teresa in the position of making peace or looking the an unforgiving, emotionally crippled alligator. Teresa knows this, and can’t accept Melissa’s overblown apology; Teresa will never accept it, and grabs onto anything to sustain a battle and make Melissa the villain. “She wants to move her kids,” Teresa shouts, knowing the fault is irrelevant but willing to say anything. Storming away, Melissa calls “I am a Gorga. My name is Melissa Gorga.” And just like that, the scene fades to black.

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