“Rizzoli & Isles” Subtext recap (4.03): They’re not regular aunts, they’re cool gay aunts

This week on Rizzoli & Isles, the entire Rizzoli clan is getting gussied up. While at Maura’s place. Because, well, of course they are. Big familial celebrations involving fancy clothes and the nice crystal naturally occur at the Isles Estates because family is family. Sure, Jane’s reluctance to make it legal, despite the best intentions of the Supreme Court, is frustrating. But we’re all certain that this Boston Marriage will become a plain-old marriage in time. Stare at those glasses all you want, Jane, it’s happening.

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Wait, is it happening now? Because Jane and Maura are walking down the aisle together toward the altar to sanctify their love in front of God and assorted loved ones. Oh, false alarm. Well, we’ll just call it practice for the real thing. It’s TJ’s christening, not marriage, which has brought us together today (p.s. if you didn’t read that last bit in the Princess Bride priest voice I’m not sure if we can still be friends).

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While it’s Tommy Jr.’s big day, Tommy Sr. is having his own very big, very strange day. First his new BFF Rondo drops by to give him a fake Rolex and ogle Jane in her dress. And in that moment, we are all Rondo. And then his old priest, Father Crowley, officiates TJ’s ceremony, which is made only slightly awkward by the fact that it’s the same priest whose legs Tommy broke while driving drunk. Oh, and he also never got around to apologizing for that. All that and he’s trying to make nice with Lydia, his baby mama/one-night stand. But she’d rather get engaged to a grown man who willingly calls himself Strawberry. And you thought life in prison was rough.

But we don’t really care about his ridiculous troubles because Jane is getting all soft in the eyes and softer in the heart about TJ during the christening. Someone has baby fever. Look out, Maura. If she slips a turkey baster into the shopping cart next time you’re at the grocery store, you’re in for a long night of processing.

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However all potential baby talk, and the christening, abruptly end because Maura smells death. Sure, she can sniff out a dead body within seconds from the first pew but a decomposing hand sitting on her desk for three months doesn’t even warrant a quizzical whiff once? Or maybe it was just a particularly bad allergy season.

Stuffed inside the baptismal font is a dead woman’s body. She’s covered in agricultural lime. This of course leads to the fascinating discovery that Korsak is an avid gardener. He grows tomatoes, basil, herbs, green beans. I bet Korsak is the kind of guy who brings a big box of his excess garden harvest into the office with, “Free! Great for stir fry!” written on the side to encourage takers.

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Of course, no one seems particularly excited about digging out what’s in this lime garden. The stuff will make it particularly hard to determine time of death and other key details – but don’t worry this isn’t just any medical examiner. This is Commonwealth of Massachusetts Chief Medical Examiner Dr. Maura Isles. And she’s working with Boston Homicide Det. Jane Rizzoli.

So together they piece together the woman was strangled and killed in the church. We of course we know this because we saw it before the credits rolled. But there’s just something so satisfying about watching Jane eagerly jump to rational assumptions based on Maura’s chagrined initial observations. It’s like crime-solving foreplay. I mean, they’re already wearing the gloves and everything.

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Back at the Isles Estates, a dejected Tommy, Frankie and Mama Rizzoli (Mrs. Vanilla, if you’re nasty) are considering the ramifications of eating cake with their bare hands. Rondo returns to chide everyone for having terrible party skills, which is not wrong. But Tommy won’t stop bellyaching about how Lydia is going to marry Strawberry Dweebcake and take TJ away from him. Also, oops, he didn’t file his custody paperwork. Really, was prison such a bad thing for this guy? At least there was structure.

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