Previously on The Fosters, Mike drank a little too much at Mariana’s quinceanera. Stef and Lena played Memory: When We Last Had Sex Edition and both lost. They tried to schedule their afternoon delight only to be interrupted by Jesus (the kid, not the water walking dude), who was freaking out because he and Lexi had unprotected sex even though he lives in a house made of condoms. He got caught getting a stranger to buy him the morning after pill because without an ID those are the only drugs on the planet you can’t score. Stef gave Lexi the pill without telling Lena or Lexi’s parents because the only thing worse than two 15-year-olds having sex is two 15-year-olds raising a kid. Mariana developed an interest in a boy and an interest in his interests so that just maybe he might also be interested in her. Sadly, she sucked at both poetry and getting the boy’s attention. Ross finally told Rachel that he likes her and thinks not-so-Super Wyatt is a bad choice. Callie told Brandon to back off because she’s sick of moving out of good homes because teenage boys can’t keep it in their pants. Jude got bullied for painting his nails blue, Lena delivered the best parental speech this side of Burt Hummel, and Jude’s new friend showed his solidarity by coming to lunch with blue nails too. Stef and Lena finally got some alone time in the only place free from teenagers, the backseat of their car.
We begin as we always begin in the heart of the home, the kitchen where the moms are doing what they always do, providing sustenance to their kids. I love how 1950s these two are if, you know, Harriet left Ozzie for June Cleever. Last week Lena used her phone to try to schedule sexy time, this week she’s all business, organizing a different activity for each kid, and Stef’s trip to make up for being gay by stocking her dad’s fridge with food. Overachieving lesbians, unite!
Mariana wanders in and bitches about her nose ring being itchy which Stef find hilarious because Mariana’s the dipshit who pierced her face in the bathroom. Lena asks Stef to pick up some wine in bottles because the kind they normally drink comes in a box. Stef calls Lena “fancy pants” which is, sadly, not a prelude to more sexy time.
Brandon, Callie, and Jesus appear and Lena proclaims it a miracle that all the teenagers to be awake before ten on a Saturday. Jesus asks Mrs. Hughes what the menu will be for Lord and Lady Rivera and she replies that Mrs. Patmore will be whipping up a heavenly five-course meal or Lena will be making halibut.
Callie is in her own little world, scrolling through her pictures on her phone when Lena asks her if she’s fine walking to her support group. Lena spies the pictures and notes that Callie has a real talent for uploading stock photos. Before leaving the room Jesus tells his moms that he wants to go to a church retreat with Lexi the next weekend. In most families this would be the cause of much pride but with lesbians it’s met with a healthy dose of “we’ll think about it” followed by a chaser of “hell no are we letting our kid listen to some Bible thumpers tell him his moms are an abomination.” Except for the thinly veiled anti-Catholic sentiment, maybe not so 1950s after all.
Callie and Wyatt are hanging out at another house he claims belongs to his family. The bank has foreclosed and Wyatt is going to have a party to celebrate the death of his childhood.
Because Callie is the best, she calls him out and ask him if it’s really his house. He takes her upstairs and shows her the drawings he did in the closet of his childhood room. He tells her that every time his life sucked he would go in the closet and draw. Oh Wyatt, so many of us spent time in the closet when everything sucked and we all found ways to deal with our feelings. Welcome young lesbo, you’re one of us. He tries to pretend that the drawing and the foreclosed house are no big deal and when Callie tries to talk to him about it he changes the subject. He wants to define their relationship. She bobs and weaves and does everything but answer. He tries to get her to agree to come to the party and she reminds him that she’s on probation and a rager in an empty house is probably not a good plan. Then she skips off to her mandatory foster kid support group (still no sign of Jude).
“Hallelujah!”
Brandon is playing his piano and Lena is standing in the doorway with a choir of angels singing behind her. Wait, was I the only one who heard that singing at the sight of her? Fine, maybe I made that up but her hair, people. She wishes him good luck and assures him that the teacher would be lucky to have him as his student. Brandon reminds her that he failed twice before but Lena doesn’t care, she and Stef will be proud no matter what happens at the audition.
Lena runs into lying Mariana in the hallway who says she’s off to have coffee with Garret. Lena offers to drive and Mariana gets twitchy but grudgingly allows Lena to give her a lift. Oh Mariana, you bestow your favors so generously on the peons who exist only to do your bidding.
Callie is barely paying attention in her support group until a girl named Sarah mentions the Olmsteads. Suddenly, Callie’s ears prick up and she’s in full on Lassie mode. What is it girl? Did Sarah fall down the well into a bad situation with your former foster family in which something truly terrible happened to you? Did she girl? After the group is over Callie asks Sarah to have coffee with her to talk it over, answer a few probing and overly personal questions, the usual.
Mariana is meeting someone but that’s not Garret, that’s drug money mama, Ana. Oh Mariana. They chat like besties, Mariana says her best friend is dating Jesus and it totally sucks. Ana compliments her on the nose ring because she’s not like a regular mom, she’s a cool mom, who only occasionally asks the kid she gave up for money. Ana says she’s sorry to have missed Mariana’s birthday and asks if she had a quinceañera. Apparently, Ana was the only one in the tri-state area not at the party. She makes up for it by giving Mariana a present, surely purchased with Mariana’s ill-gotten funds. It’s a quinceañera bear and Mariana loves it best of all.
Brandon is pacing the steps of the porch, dressed like The Bass Player in the Wonders, and looking at his phone. It’s 4:20 and Mike is otherwise engaged, eating a sandwich with Ted and Marshall. Brandon calls his dad and tells him that he’s twenty minutes late and that Brandon’s going to miss the audition.
At Stef’s dad’s house, she walks in with a bag of groceries because she’s the kind of gay who overachieves as a daughter as penance for being gay and they start yapping at each other. He tells her that she doesn’t have to keep stocking his fridge because he’s a grown-up. She tells him that TV dinners are not real food. He asked if she saw the Padres game the night before she laughs and says she missed a bunch of the end because Jesus was screaming at the TV. Stef dad says he loves that kid and that he should invite him to a game since it’s not really Brandon’s thing. She tells him that Jesus and Brandon would love an invite to go to a game but not the next weekend because Jesus wants to go to Jesus camp. Come on, Jesus yelling at the Padres as a segue into a chat about religion? Love it. Stef’s dad is surprised and asks if they are raising the kids Catholic. Stef laughs and tells him he knows they don’t do church. They only worship at the altar of Lena’s flawless beauty. He suggests that not only should they be raising the kids in a “good Christian church” he can’t understand why Stef stopped going. Oh parents, so utterly oblivious to the scars of our youth, even the ones inflicted by their own actions.
Stef laughs and says, “Really?” and then asks him to jump in the way back machine to when she was in high school and he caught her cuddling with her friend Tess on the couch and instead of talking to her sent her to talk to a pastor who told her that being gay was a sin. Her dad says he was just trying to help her make the right choices. He can’t see why when she had Mike and Brandon she decided to give all that up for Lena.
Stef is aghast, but not surprised, that he’s calling being gay a choice but instead of pulling out 37 studies, three Power Point presentations on nature versus nurture, and calling an expert to the stand she pauses and twitches a smile. She’ll play his game. She’ll assume that she can choose who she loves. She’ll pretend that for him. She’ll pretend that the sight of Lena’s smile doesn’t give her butterflies, that having Lena near her makes the air feel both more still and more electric, that being with another woman isn’t both the most mind-blowing experience and the most comfortable thing in the world. She play the game that she chose to throw away “normal” to be with Lena.
She says “So what if I chose Lena?” What’s wrong with being with a wonderful woman who sets me on fire and holds me when I won’t let anyone else see my broken places. She asks “So what if I chose Lena? I chose to be happy, and who I love shouldn’t matter, only my happiness.” He sputters and she walks out.
In another part of town, another paternal disappointment is playing out. Mike shows up to pick up Brandon in his Mustang. I guess when your hot wife leaves you for a hot lady you buy yourself a muscle car and hope it makes up for it. He apologizes to Brandon by saying he fell asleep watching the game but Brandon is smarter than that and says “It’s the middle of the day dad.”
Callie and Sarah are talking about their foster homes and Callie is working Sarah to open up. Her plan is going well until she slips up and mentions Liam by name. Sarah never mentioned Liam’s name and she leaves. Callie the first rule of the Spencer Hastings School of Sleuthing is don’t offer up information, ever.
Back at the Fosters, Callie is taking a picture of the tree outside her window because instagram is eating up all her free time. Mariana asks to see the picture and they talk girl stuff like how Wyatt get his hair so shiny and bouncy, whether Callie is dating Wyatt, and what they are going to do that night. Callie mentions the foreclosure party and Mariana begs to go because for a dementor nothing says fun like watching a bank take someone’s childhood home, especially when you are secure in your own. Callie packs extra chocolate in case her patronus is on the fritz.
Cut to the moms’ room where Lena says “Don’t force it” and Stef says “It’s stuck” and I swear if it weren’t for the visual confirmation that they mean Lena’s zipper I would be off and running with a little bit of what was going on in the back of that car. But no. No fun times for these two, not with the god squad coming to visit. Stef doesn’t want the Rivera’s trying to corrupt Jesus with, you know, more Jesus. Lena, ever the Tami Taylor voice of reason, says Jesus isn’t looking for religion, he just wants to spend the weekend with his girlfriend. Stef is defensive and angry but she knows it’s not really about Lexi’s parents. She’s being close-minded and defensive about the Riveras just as she’s hoping they won’t be about her own family. She puts up the wall and is ready to throw punches before she’s sure a fight is even going to happen. But, when you’ve been hurt as we have just seen Stef has, it’s hard to open yourself up to the idea that church isn’t always a place of pain, judgment, and disapproval. Lena, of course, wants Stef to chill out and see what happens before dropping the gloves and going several rounds with their dinner guests.
Callie and Mariana figure out a way to lie to the moms without lying. Rather than staying to eat the amazing meal Mrs. Patmore is preparing they are going to Wyatt’s to watch a movie. Stef says, “The hair model?” and I am so the smitten kitten. They say that they are going to Wyatt’s parents’ house which isn’t a lie but it does not account for the lack of parental supervision.
Brandon and Mike are waiting for the audition and Mike is going on and on about how sorry he is and how Brandon is going to blow them away in the audition. Shut up Mike. When Brandon gets called in, buttons his jacket, which it appears he borrowed from Jude before he stuffed Jude in a closet somewhere. Where are you Jude? Brandon starts playing and then makes a mistake. He restarts and makes another mistake. Ra-chel Be-rry *clap* *clap* *clap clap clap.*Callie and Mariana are in a different time zone apparently because it’s nighttime and they are at Noel Kahn’s cabin for a rager. Callie tries to leave because, despite all the hype, she’s the most responsible kid in the house. Although she’s losing points this episode for having no idea where Jude is. She tells Mariana not to drink and if she does, just to nurse one drink all night. Mariana says “‘kay bye-ee” and bouncing away with Kelsey who is back from rehab. What could go wrong? Callie finds Wyatt in the midst of ruining his house. It appears that he has some feelings that cannot be contained in his bedroom closet so he’s spray painting them on walls and encouraging people to break stuff.
Back at the house, the dinner party has commenced and the awkwardness is everywhere. The Rivera’s would like to be sure that there is a hall monitor to ensure that four legs stay on the floor, doors remain open, and there is always room for the holy ghost between Jesus and Lexi. Guys, while you’re at it, I see the horse is out, let’s shut the barn door. The doorbell rings and ding-dong it’s Stef’s dad. Because she’s a good daughter-in-law, Lena invites Stef’s dad to stay and Stef runs off to find another plate and build herself a fort out of the boxes of wine.
Back at the audition, Mike wanders down the steps and finds Brandon. Brandon yells at him about being late and asks if he thought Brandon wouldn’t notice that he smelled like booze. Mike storms up the stairs and begs the guy to listen one more time and not punish Brandon for the fact that his dad was late. The teacher relents and Brandon plays perfectly. Unfortunately, the teacher had already given the scholarship spot away but will take Brandon on as a student for the bargain price of at least 300 bucks a week. Brandon knows he can’t afford it but Mike insists he’ll pay for it.
Back at the party, Wyatt is getting drunk and staring meaningfully across the room at Callie. Kelsey continuing to be even worse than Mariana, tells Mariana that her moms bought Lexi the morning after pill. Kelsey is a mess but she’s also hilarious. “Lexi came to me looking for the pill because, hello, if you need a pill call Kelsey.” Seriously, you suck but please be around always because you crack me up. As Kelsey realizes that Mariana didn’t know she says “oops” and the words written on the wall behind Mariana say “everyone is against me.” Poor Mariana. She decides to drown her sorrows in Natty Lite or whatever abomination kids are drinking these days.
Back at the dinner party of epic awkwardness, Stef’s dad asks Jesus what he thinks he will get out of Catholic Bible camp as a non-Catholic. Say Catholic again. Stef tries to stop this train because she’s not sure they want Jesus going. Lexi’s mom is like, it’s a no brainer, of course Jesus will be at Bible camp. Stef tries to tiptoe around their concerns which have less to do with the sleeping arrangements or amount of supervision and more to do with the message that she and Lena are an abomination and that their family is wrong, you know the usual hellfire, burning stuff. Lexi’s mom is appalled that Stef and Lena would worry about such a thing. She says she would never allow anyone to say anything against their family. She says they support this family one hundred percent. Stef’s dad nearly falls off his chair. Mr. Rivera says, “of course we do. What’s more Christian than family?” What indeed?
Back at the party, Callie watches as Wyatt gets more worked up, more violent in his desire to break down his house, and more vehement in his desire to get others to do the same. She follows him into his old bedroom where he is smashing the wall and anything else he can find with a crowbar. She’s scared of his violent outburst but closes the door and stands by as he burns himself out. Eventually he falls to the ground and Callie cradles his head and assures him that while they can take the brick and mortar that housed his childhood they cannot take his memories, his experiences, and what those thing meant to him. They kiss and it’s sweet and filled with comfort and meaning and it has nothing to do with Brandon or anyone else. Callie cares for the hair model and maybe she is the best person to see through the hurt that has him destroying a house and acting out because the fourth grader who drew a mural in his closet is still hurting and the bank is taking his canvas. He picks up the crowbar again and punches out part of his mural to take with him.They start to leave and Callie looks for Mariana. She runs into drunk Talya instead who apologizes, sort of, for being jealous. Calle says she never had anything to worry about from Callie and Talya nods and says that may be true but that Brandon likes Callie.
Back at dinner Stef’s dad is still at it, asking the Riveras how they can pick and choose the teachings of the church they like and still be Catholic. The Riveras school his ass in the ways that people always pick and choose what parts of the Bible to follow otherwise Red Lobster would be out of business and none of us would know the delight of bacon. They bring it home by asking Gramps how he can sit at the table and claim to love his family and not support his daughter’s right to marry Lena. He starts to say he believe marriage is between a man and a woman before Stef and Lena shut him down. Jesus pipes up that there is nothing that anyone could say that would make him change the way he feels about his family and that his moms should have a little faith in him. It’s a fair point Jesus, but hard to hear from a 15-year-old who got a stranger to buy the morning after pill for his girlfriend and, as far as the moms know, sold his meds at school for a quick buck. When you ask your parents to have faith in you it helps not to have a record of screw ups as long as your arm.Back at the party, Callie finds a very drunk Mariana before running into Liam. He tells her she looks great, he can’t believe how much she’s grown in two years. She refuses to meet his eyes and tries to walk past him. He takes issue with Callie poking around, asking questions about him and generally getting her Nancy Drew on. He grabs her and, frankly, is pretty large and menacing. Wyatt shows up and Liam plays nice. As they leave with Mariana they call to a very drunk Talya who is dancing in the center of a bunch of guys taking pictures of her. Talya won’t come with them so they leave without her.
Stef’s and her dad are trading jabs about typical WASP nonsense. Her dad says that he wanted to talk to her after their conversation earlier. She starts to tell him he doesn’t have to say anything but he keeps talking. He says he’s sorry for putting her through that as a kid and that he’s sorry if making her talk to that minister drove a wedge between her and god.
Teri Polo‘s face is typically brilliant. Her eyes fill with tears but the rest of her face only flinches the smallest amount as she hugs her arms close to her chest. These are words she’s probably imagined hearing for years. Maybe they don’t have the impact they would have earlier in her life but hearing your parents admit they were wrong, admit they caused you pain, and acknowledge your anguish is a powerful thing. Even stoic Stef, with her quips and walls built to prevent harm can’t help but feel this. Lena walks out and Stef sucks in her tears and tells her that her dad apologized for the religion stuff. Lena says, “Hey, people can surprise you” and Stef says maybe it’s fine for Jesus to go to the Jesus camp since they went to the trouble of naming it after him and all.
For many of us, being gay was the first thing we did that truly disappointed our parents but in return it was the first time our parents broke a promise to us. The first time we found out that their promise of “unconditional love” actually came with conditions and rules and lines we could not cross. Some of us escaped relatively unscathed only to watch someone we love sent to a priest or a therapist because their parents thought they needed help finding the path back to normal. And even though the years go by that wound exists. Sometimes it’s just a scar and sometimes it feels as raw as it did when we were kids. Some of us never get over it, and our parents never get over it. But sometimes, if you wait long enough, if you can grit your teeth and hold your tongue and prove your worth has nothing to do with your love, something incredible happens.
Sometimes the people who disappointed you as a teenager stand at your wedding and give a toast about how folks are just folks. It may have taken seven years that’s just how long it took to realize that love really is just love, and their daughter is happy and breathtaking on her wedding day. And sometimes, if you wait another seven years you might be surprised to discover that that same person who thought a visit to a priest was the only answer has found a church that allows him to love his daughter and his daughter-in-law and their two crazy kids without telling him that he can’t also love Jesus. Sometimes, if you wait long enough, if you can hold out and wait and swallow your hurt, people surprise you. While it can never undo the hurt, it is the most incredible healing balm for those wounds.
Callie is trying to sneak Mariana into the house and Marians is cooperating about as well and Molly Ringwald‘s sister in Sixteen Candles when she’s triple-dosed her muscle relaxers. Callie gives Mariana gum, the foolproof plan of high school drunkards everywhere, and tries to get her up the stairs. No dice. Mariana has to go say hi to the Riveras. Mariana stumbles a bit and Stef, Lexi, and everyone else realize quickly that Mariana is not quite herself and try to end the night immediately. Mariana has other plans. When Lexi’s mom mentions that Jesus is coming to Bible camp Mariana asks “what you’re going to let them spend the night together when you know they are having sex?” Oh girl. Help me, help you. Every time you seem to be less terrible you go and act like a horrible teenager. I know, we are all horrible at that age but honestly, take a lesson from Callie, please.
Lena and Stef stand over Mariana’s bed and ask if her drunk, lying ass, has anything to say for herself. Oh Lena, I don’t ever want to make you mad but, man are you hot when you’re pissed. They tell her they are going to continue the conversation in the morning which I take to mean at 6 a.m. while she mows the lawn. They ask Callie whose idea it was and Callie balks at ratting Mariana out for reasons I do not understand but the moms realize Callie is the good girl who stayed sober and got the moron home safely. Callie leaves Mariana water and Advil as she pathetically cradles the bear from Ana. Callie checks her phone to find that Liam has commented on her picture of the tree. He asks, “Is that the tree outside your bedroom window?” Dude, that’s some creepy A Team shit right there.
What did you think of the episode? What do you think actually happened between Callie and Liam?
