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“Rizzoli & Isles” Subtext Recap (4.02): All in the family

Young intrepid investigative journalists of the world, do not do this: Go out in the dead of night alone and snoop on shady parking garage drug transactions, only to pop out from behind a tree and ask if the creepy guy in a hoodie “has a minute.” This is not the road to a Pulitzer. This is, however, the road to meeting Det. Jane Rizzoli and Dr. Maura Isles. Of course, you’ll be dead — so I doubt you’ll make the best impression.

Also not making a good impression is Jane’s triple-power latte on the upholstery of Maura’s Prius. The two met, which is unfortunate for all parties. For Jane because she didn’t get to finish her likely much-needed caffeine boost. And for Maura because her car smells like a decomposing body, and that is by far my least favorite air freshener scent. They bicker, as they always do, about the appropriateness of drinking oversized hot beverages inside a moving vehicle until the appearance of Biker Frankie distracts them. He’s following that old adage of dress for the job you want. In his case that’s a new detective with his first undercover assignment as an aging drug dealer trying to fit in with his teenage clients. Some people have very specific and detailed life goals.

Just as Jane starts to really get her older sister tease machine revving, in walks Frankie’s new boss: Det. Rafael Martinez. Oh no, a new male character just as we’re getting rid of an old male character (at least for a few months). I’m all for gender equity, but this is overkill. Meanwhile, the dagger looks Jane is shooting at Martinez could indeed kill. Which means, of course, we automatically dislike him, too. I mean look at him with that smirk and that stupid, shiny tie all loose thinking he’s suave. Rafael Suave. We hates it, we hates it, we hates it forever! Frankie is likewise hating it, because now he’s relegated to being the “Other Rizzoli,” though who are we kidding he was that all along. Maura, however, wants to know if they ever nudge nudge, wink winked together. Because not everyone is a Gold Star, you know. The road to lesbianism can be filled with experimentation and that’s OK. As long as it was just a phase, like crimping your hair or that summer you wanted everyone to call you by your middle name.

Jane is saved from revealing her past indiscretions by murder. Those simultaneous answered phone calls with side-by-side “Rizzoli” and “Isles”-greetings really never gets old. So Jane grabs Maura away, literally, and off they go for another fun-filled day or grisly death and adorable bickering. Our ladies arrive at the beach, because why not make crime scenes as romantic as possible. I see what you’re doing here, TNT. Jane pulls out some galoshes for Maura to wear. See, such a good girlfriend — and they’re even yellow to color-coordinate with her outfit. But Maura is all about showing off her $500 heels. Of course she promptly steps in blood and ruins her shoes. Jane, I know you want to tell her “I told you so,” but you also want to get laid tonight. Proceed with caution. On the beach, there’s a turf war between Boston Police and the State Police. It’s every dead body’s dream to be involved in a departmental tug-o-war. But Jane doesn’t like to lose, especially to obnoxious male counterparts. So she plots ways to get the case for themselves. Really, what she’s saying here is she doesn’t want anyone else but her in the autopsy room with Maura — except maybe Senior Criminologist Susie Chang because they’re used to her interruptions and have even made trying to finish before she bursts into the room a game.

I’m sorry, got caught up in my head imagining that game a little. Where were we. Oh, right — a cautionary tale for young wanna-be Woodwards and Bernsteins (or Christian Amanpours for those of you too young to remember Watergate). Remember when I said not to talk to scary men in hoodies? It’s because two homicide detectives might drag your corpse face-down into the surf so they won’t have to play nice with the state police. After successfully getting Maura to lie for her about spotting a rare horseshoe crab on the beach, Jane claims the body and all is right with the world. Yes, Maura lied for Jane and is wearing her shoes. Girlfriends through and through.

In the autopsy room, Jane is enjoying her alone time with Maura until Det. Rafael Suave saunters in with Frankie following like a lost puppy behind him. He’s surprised Jane has never mentioned him to Maura. Why talk about your past mistakes when you’re living with perfection? Jane admits she and Suave may have been in a bed together not sleeping in the past when they were partners. Maura says there’s no shame in this. Suave is attractive. Jane is attractive. Maura knows all about dating within her level, she’s dating Jane. But Jane goes on to explain that he was, essentially, her professional beard. When she was first starting out in the drug unit they had to pretend to be a couple and go to the clubs together. Ah-ha, now I see how Jane so effortlessly engages with your Deans and Caseys — training and professionalism.

Their bad blood started when he got her “C.I.” (that’s confidential informant to those of us who don’t speak cop) killed. OK, keep Suave away from Rondo. After sharing her sob story, Jane and Maura decide to play the Harlequin romance, Dickensian drama or Springer guest game with their lives. I’d say they’re more The L Word meets Cagney & Lacey, but that’s just me.

Just then, to push them closer to the Springer guest category, Maura’s half-sister with half of her original kidneys shows up. Maura demands Jane go with her to see her, because pushing your girlfriend around is a two-way street. Jane says she only will if Maura keeps wearing her Wellies. Leave it to gay ladies to put the rubbers on their feet. Cailin, it turns out, wants to warn them about a scary men in black, but hopefully without the aliens and mind erasers, situation that happened to her and Maura’s mother, Hope, recently. She said some men in suits with dark energy came to her home and now Hope wants to whisk them back to London. So, maybe aliens after all?

Back in the office, Frost and Korsak are arguing over who can use the computer. Jane breaks up their fight because there’s only room for one Adorable Bickersons on this show. And then she asks Maura to lunch. I always assumed those two had a standing lunch date. I mean once you both eat out of the Dead Fridge together you’re bound for life, right? But instead of a nice restaurant Jane tricks her into white bagging it with her to check out Hope’s medical clinic. Maura is appalled because no wiener, deep-fried in cornmeal or not, should ever come between them. They ask her about the scary dark energy men, who she says were her accountants. Aw, no aliens then? Hope poo-poos their worries, and says they’re rushing back to London because Cailin wants to go back. But Cailin, being a teenager and forever fickle, now wants to stay in Boston. Jane laments that Maura’s trait of breaking out into hives when lying was not passed down from Hope. And then gets into super protective mode because of how Hope has treated Maura. Which is to pretty much to ignore her until her other daughter needs her kidney. I’m with Jane on this one. As they leave Jane spots some scary men in suits with dark energy tailing them. So she drops off Maura (more protectiveness) and goes to see … who else — Paddy Doyle in the big house. Hey, remember back when Maura went to see Hoyt without telling Jane to help her? Well, seems the couple that secretly visits their partners’ nemeses/mob-boss biological fathers in prison, stays together. She wants Paddy to call off his thugs, but they’re not his thugs. They’re government thugs — feds to be exact, who are investigating Hope and her clinic.

Jane makes a quick call to Agent Dean (how many past beards can they throw into this episode, was Donnie Wahlberg not available) to confirm the news. And now they’re also surveilling Maura. Hey, did you ever notice when Maura concentrates she sticks out her tongue? Or maybe she’s just Tumbling some really juicy Jane-Maura fanfics and can’t help herself. The team investigates the budding investigative journalist’s death (yeah, I know, that old thing). They find empty drug baggies, but she was apparently as straight edge as they come because her brother died of an overdose. They interrogate her professor, because every episode needs at least one Red Herring. And then through the magic of Maura/science/convenient plot devices, are able to narrow the crime scene down to one of the warehouses near the harbor and find the location.

The journalism student was investigating drug sales on campus, which got her killed. She also secretly recorded her ambush interviews, which means we have a recording of her getting killed. Well, that’s unpleasant. Back in the office Jane is going over the student’s dorm room belongings and finds Det. Suave’s card, complete with his C.I. “safety word” written on the back, inside of a stuffed animal. She storms off to confront him. Oh, kids, get your popcorn. Raspy voiced indignant Jane is here. You see, Jane’s bad blood with Det. Suave dates back to their days on the drug unit together where he got her C.I. killed. And now another one of his C.I.s winds up dead. And, oh yes there’s an and, he has just sent Frankie in undercover to meet with the supplier. Jane says if he gets her little brother killed she will personally flay him Dark Willow style — but with her eyes.

After a long day of trading shoes, pretending to be into corndogs, visiting in-laws in prison and confronting ex-beards, Jane finally takes Maura out to eat. They walk into the Dirty Robber only to find it’s under new management who are serving only locally sourced organic food. Insert lesbians and organic food joke here. Jane’s eye roll says it all. Of course Maura is in her element. First she makes sure the feds aren’t following them and then she chows down on the edible table garnish. Really, how cute is she? No wonder Jane is so smitten. She offers Jane some as well, but we all already know she smells like lavender. Instead, Jane confesses her feelings of guilt about her first C.I.’s murder. They were working a case together and sent her in unprepared. Jane blames herself, I still blame Suave.

Just when you think Maura’s endless wonders have reached their limit, she surprises you again with the ability to pick locks. A skill she’s had since she was 9 years old. This, of course, makes Jane even more into her. They break into the evidence room. I know, you’re thinking these dark stacks would be a perfect place for a little hanky panky. But as Jane so astutely notes, Maura isn’t made for hunching. Pillow queen. So our ladies just end up researching Hope and Paddy’s connections. They find out Hope and Paddy kept in contact, even after Maura’s supposed death. And Hope took some $2.5 million in his dirty money to start her clinics. Well, see, now that’ll get the scary men in suits with bad energy following you for sure.

An awkward mother/daughter/daughter-in-law confrontation follows, only to be followed by an even more awkward mother/father/daughter/daughter-in-law confrontation where he says he won’t plead guilty to save them from investigation. Just imagine this Thanksgiving dinner. See, doesn’t silent time on the couch watching football with your cousins seem more fun in retrospect.

Back on the case, Maura is upset about her soiled shoe. She’s even touching the blood, which cannot be sanitary. But luckily it turns out to be transmission fluid. I mean, luckily for the case — not the shoe. I have no idea how to get transmission fluid off of leather. The fluid was found both at the crime scene and where the body washed up. Then again through the magic of Maura/by way of Susie/science/convenient plot devices we uncover the fluid came from a state trooper’s car. Hey, remember that state trooper Jane was having the jurisdictional tug-of-war with about the body? Yeah.

Det. Suave sends Frankie to block the perp while he’s still on the college campus. Then they all screech up guns drawn real subtle like so, of course, Frankie gets captured. He’s the Dawn of Rizzoli & Isles. But just like that little ball of energy grew on you and then you were really sad at the thought of Joel Grey bleeding her dry, so have Frankie’s skills grown. Also you learn a thing or two when your big sister is a badass homicide detective with a Ponytail of Righteous Justive. So he takes down the dirty cop in one move. Nice job, Other Rizzoli. Bonus, now Jane doesn’t have to go to jail for killing Suave. Wait, hey, that was it? No coupley Jane and Maura closing montage where they banter while doing engine repair or watching baseball or laying on a mattress? What is this, a real crime show? Until next week.

And now, for your #gayzzoli tweets of the week. Last week I put your tweets in a separate take-out, but I heard a few of you asking where they were. So this week they’re back in the post. Let me know which you prefer. Your wish is my command, just like Jane says to Maura every night.

                 

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