Young intrepid investigative journalists of the world, do not do this: Go out in the dead of night alone and snoop on shady parking garage drug transactions, only to pop out from behind a tree and ask if the creepy guy in a hoodie “has a minute.” This is not the road to a Pulitzer. This is, however, the road to meeting Det. Jane Rizzoli and Dr. Maura Isles. Of course, you’ll be dead – so I doubt you’ll make the best impression.
Also not making a good impression is Jane’s triple-power latte on the upholstery of Maura’s Prius. The two met, which is unfortunate for all parties. For Jane because she didn’t get to finish her likely much-needed caffeine boost. And for Maura because her car smells like a decomposing body, and that is by far my least favorite air freshener scent.
They bicker, as they always do, about the appropriateness of drinking oversized hot beverages inside a moving vehicle until the appearance of Biker Frankie distracts them. He’s following that old adage of dress for the job you want. In his case that’s a new detective with his first undercover assignment as an aging drug dealer trying to fit in with his teenage clients. Some people have very specific and detailed life goals.
Just as Jane starts to really get her older sister tease machine revving, in walks Frankie’s new boss: Det. Rafael Martinez. Oh no, a new male character just as we’re getting rid of an old male character (at least for a few months). I’m all for gender equity, but this is overkill. Meanwhile, the dagger looks Jane is shooting at Martinez could indeed kill. Which means, of course, we automatically dislike him, too. I mean look at him with that smirk and that stupid, shiny tie all loose thinking he’s suave. Rafael Suave. We hates it, we hates it, we hates it forever!
Frankie is likewise hating it, because now he’s relegated to being the “Other Rizzoli,” though who are we kidding he was that all along. Maura, however, wants to know if they ever nudge nudge, wink winked together. Because not everyone is a Gold Star, you know. The road to lesbianism can be filled with experimentation and that’s OK. As long as it was just a phase, like crimping your hair or that summer you wanted everyone to call you by your middle name.
Jane is saved from revealing her past indiscretions by murder. Those simultaneous answered phone calls with side-by-side “Rizzoli” and “Isles”-greetings really never gets old. So Jane grabs Maura away, literally, and off they go for another fun-filled day or grisly death and adorable bickering.
Our ladies arrive at the beach, because why not make crime scenes as romantic as possible. I see what you’re doing here, TNT. Jane pulls out some galoshes for Maura to wear. See, such a good girlfriend – and they’re even yellow to color-coordinate with her outfit. But Maura is all about showing off her $500 heels. Of course she promptly steps in blood and ruins her shoes. Jane, I know you want to tell her “I told you so,” but you also want to get laid tonight. Proceed with caution.
On the beach, there’s a turf war between Boston Police and the State Police. It’s every dead body’s dream to be involved in a departmental tug-o-war. But Jane doesn’t like to lose, especially to obnoxious male counterparts. So she plots ways to get the case for themselves. Really, what she’s saying here is she doesn’t want anyone else but her in the autopsy room with Maura – except maybe Senior Criminologist Susie Chang because they’re used to her interruptions and have even made trying to finish before she bursts into the room a game.
I’m sorry, got caught up in my head imagining that game a little. Where were we. Oh, right – a cautionary tale for young wanna-be Woodwards and Bernsteins (or Christian Amanpours for those of you too young to remember Watergate). Remember when I said not to talk to scary men in hoodies? It’s because two homicide detectives might drag your corpse face-down into the surf so they won’t have to play nice with the state police.
After successfully getting Maura to lie for her about spotting a rare horseshoe crab on the beach, Jane claims the body and all is right with the world. Yes, Maura lied for Jane and is wearing her shoes. Girlfriends through and through.