“Pretty Little Liars” recap (4.04): Muffin Man

Previously on Pretty Little Liars, Ashley Marin put on her murderin’ heels and tromped on down to Torch Lake where she shot Detective Wilden in the face with a gun she stole from her ex-husband. Pam Fields got caught mothering in front of about 100 witnesses, so Child Protective Services came a-knockin’ at her door. Aria, sensing that her mom was next on A’s hit list, sent her away to donut college in a castle in Austria. And a mask-maker confessed to making a bunch of masks of Ali’s face while making a mask of Emily’s face while hiding a mask of Melissa’s face while wearing a mask of his own face over a mask of Ali’s face over his actual face.

1

Papa Fields is home from Army. He gives Emsy a hug and a pat on her head and sends her off to school so he and Pam can go inside and cry about hoq Emily is literally the greatest human being on this planet and why couldn’t CPS go after the Hastings’ or the DiLaurentis’ or the Cavenaughs. Between the three of them, that’s like two counts of sibling incest, at least three murders, two home explosions, and one fake demon pregnancy. Hells bells, Spencer’s parents couldn’t even be arsed to fly back from Out of Town when she was shuffling around an insane asylum in some tartan slippers, hair as big as the sun.

Hanna is still snipping at Caleb every chance she gets. He’s interested in facts: Someone stole a .38 from her dad and if it turns out Wilden was shot with a .38 while Ashley was in town and also wearing some high heels, well, I hope she likes do-rags, ’cause it’s off to the slammer with her. Hanna’s like, “Here’s a fact: You can suck my dick.” And she storms off leaving him there to wonder why she keeps attacking him and where in the world she got that Candy Land blouse.

5

At school, Hanna marches over to the Liars and picks right up fighting with them where she left off with Caleb: “What’s the deal with the Melissa mask, Spencer? Did you use it to convince your bitch trog sister to confess to killing Wilden or what?” The Liars advise Hanna to dial it back a notch; everybody’s stuff is at eleven right now. Emily’s about to have to start living in the library walls with Caleb because she’s for sure going into foster care, OK? And in case you haven’t noticed, Lieutenant Roma Maffia is spying on us in that cop car over there.

Ah, Lieutenant Roma Maffia. Remember on Nip/Tuck when you were just fully bonanners? Remember how you were a power-grabbing lesbian with psychotic tendencies and so much swagger? (Remember how you boned Veronica Hastings?) I cannot wait for you to meet Mona Vanderwaal. Lieutenant Roma Maffia really is spying on the Liars, and she does not like what she sees. She’s already offended by their clothes and she hasn’t even seen Aria doing patterns yet. She goes, “They sure are pretty to be such corpse magnets and shovel hoarders. Except those short skirts. Those skirts just make them look like sluts.”

9

In the courtyard, the Liars continue their debrief on this new level of hell that involves their parents. Hanna’s like, “So, Spencer, your mom still doesn’t exist, so that’s OK. And Aria, you sent your mom off to Pastry Castle with the Muffin Man, so she’s good for now. My mom’s been hiding out in the bathroom pretending to take a bath for like three days, so while she’s definitely guilty of something horrific, at least she’s safe in there. And Ems, what’s going on with—”

But Hanna is interrupted by the sound of Papa Fields texting Emily to tell her to come home directly after school, no questions. Emily is so pissed. You OD one time on prescription drugs and swim into a wall, you get poisoned by your own pain cream one time and test positive for HGH, you collapse in the hallway one time due to a teenage stress ulcer, you get GLASS IN YOUR HAIR one time after meeting your space-jumping stalker in a greenhouse in the middle of the night, you get blackmailed and nearly murdered by a doll one time, you get massaged by Lucas in Ali mask one time, you stab a guy in the stomach with a knife one time to keep him from killing your girlfriend that he kidnapped, and it’s like, “Come home after school today before you get murdered.” Parents. God.

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