“Mistresses” recap (1.05): Steam Heat


Previously on Mistresses, April got scammed, Karen got gross, Savi got pregnant, and Joss got Alex single.

The opening scene checks in with all of our Mistresses – Joss is sexing a Surfer Dude, Karen is kickboxing, Savi is stressing about her impending baby bump by admiring her currently still-perfect body in the shower, and did I mention Joss is sexing?

1 joss sexing

Our one non-mistress, April is seriously out of it as she drops her daughter off at school. Her overly-astute daughter gives her a sassy look as she kisses her goodbye and scoots.

Savi’s husband comes bounding down the stairs like the Australian puppy he is and plants one on his wife. She goes to leave for work but he stops her and says that her breath tastes like copper. She’s super confused and so am I because at first I thought he said breasts but obviously I was just projecting.

2 savi cleavage

Meanwhile, in the guest house, Joss is putting her hair in a ponytail of swagger when Alex walks in. Surfer Dude is passed out on the bed, and at first Alex goes to leave, but Joss assures her that she wore him out real good – he’s not going to be waking up for a while. Joss then proves that she’s never been friends with a lesbian before by asking why Alex and Sally’s breakup has been going on for a week already. Alex swears that, as of last night, it is officially, officially over and that she’s moving out. She puts on her cutest smile and asks Joss if she will help her move.

3 alex smile

April arrives at work to see Handsome Jacob and his Overeager Assistant greet her. They tell her she’s invited to be a keynote speaker at an event Hillary Clinton will also be attending. Overeager Assistant wants to be Karen’s date, Handsome Jacob calls dibs and wins because he has a crush on Hillary Clinton. I knew I liked you, Handsome Jacob.

Karen doesn’t get to be happy for long, though, because Mister Investigator shows up and would like to speak to her privately. There has been a new development in the case, and he will now be needing those notes he told her he would probably almost definitely never need. Karen uses every excuse she can think of, but Mister Investigator does not back down. He’ll be back for those notes. And she better have them. Or else. New plan, Karen. From now on, run everything you’re planning by Handsome Jacob first. He never would have let you shred those notes.

At her office, Savi walks by Dominic being all flirty with Leggy McParalegal and throws them so much shade. Before the green-eyed monster makes her do anything stupid, however, Harry calls her and tells her that his favorite mommy blog says metallic breath can be a sign of pregnancy. Cue: Panic mode.

Joss and Alex return from their hike to find Surfer Dude gone and the bed made. Amused, but sweaty, Joss starts to strip and gets in the shower. Alex watches her leave and has the same swoony face on I do.

4 alex swooning

Moments later, Alex opens the door to the shower stall and asks Joss if she can join. Joss gives her a quick once-over and smiles her approval. Alex steps in and gets close to Joss. She leans in for a kiss, slow, sensual. Things get steamy. In all senses of the word.

5 alex joins 6 shower kiss

At this point, I assume it’s Joss having shower-fantasies and enjoy it for what it is. (Spoiler alert: I was so wrong. So blissfully wrong.)

April is at work and gets a call from her daughter’s school, saying she skipped class. She shows up to find Hot Dad at the school, too. Both of their kids ditched to meet Selena Gomez. They lied to another mom and said they had permission, and clearly that mom had never met April, because she didn’t even call to double-check. April is baffled as to why her smart little angel child is having teenage rebellion three years too early.

Savi is having offspring problems of her own and is on the phone with her doctor, demanding a rush on her paternity test results. Unfortunately, she doesn’t seem to be having much success. Frustrated, she storms up to Dom and finally gives in to the jealousy, ushering his new plaything far, far away.

In the Davis house, we discover the most important detail to date: IT WAS REAL LIFE. JOSS AND ALEX’S SHOWER SEXYTIMES WERE FOR REAL. Having worked up an appetite, they make brunch from things they steal from Savi’s fridge. When they sit down to eat, Joss asks Alex if they’re going to talk about what happened, with an expression that suggests she’s not even sure why she’s asking.

7 unsure joss

Alex asks if she wants to talk about it, because she knows talking isn’t usually part of Joss’s routine. Joss thinks maybe she should – she insists that, despite having done the gayest thing two girls can do, she is very straight. (I think Alex needs to explain bisexuality to Joss.) More importantly, she doesn’t really do relationships. Alex smiles and says she knows all this, she has been hanging out with her for long enough to not have expected this to be anything other than rebound sex. They both agree that they had fun and that they’re okay with it just being that – just fun. No strings. Fun friends with fun benefits. Which surely will go over totally smoothly and happily and not end up in tears. Let’s enjoy this like Joss and Alex are and not worry too much about the future yet, shall we?

8 jalex

Karen meets up with her dead lover’s wife to discuss — wait, what? KAREN. Handsome Jacob would not approve. Anything that happens as a direct result of this is your own damn fault. Storyline dismissed.

Mr. Savi is so excited about the possibility of being a dad that he bought her some pregnancy tests. He is so blinded by excitement can’t see the neon sign she’s holding that says SOMETHING IS WRONG. Or perhaps he mistakes it for nervousness that his mommy blogs told him is normal when trying to get pregnant. Savi says she has a meeting and leaves so fast she practically leaves a Savi-shaped hole in the door.

By “meeting” Savi meant “daily vent-about-our-terrible-decisions” session with her friends. Savi interrupts because “breath smells like a metal baby” and now she’s going to have to tell Harry she had an affair with a robot (I knew Dom’s voice was too sultry to be human). He’s bound to become suspicious when the baby popped out attached to an iPhone charger instead of an umbilical cord.

Harry is playing farmer in the kitchen when Joss prances in with the mail. She tries to make small-talk but he would rather accuse her of being bad at being ‘just friends’ with anyone. He knows she slept with Alex and insists friends can’t have casual sex and that she’s making a big mistake. She tells him to mind his own beeswax because he’s not the boss of her. She can have her cake and eat it too and he can shove his organic, home grown cucumber up his—OK, I’m paraphrasing here. You get the picture.

9 FU harry

Finally actually heading to work, Savi is interrupted mid-stride by Dom, who confronts her about her jealous rage with Leggy yesterday. She tells him that of course she’s jealous, he is sitting pretty, going about his life, business as usual, while she’s stressing out about the affair, about being pregnant, and about her friends making terrible life choices. He tries to tell her that he’s having a hard time, too, because he’s super into her, but she takes her potentially-robotic fetus and leaves his not-pregnant self in the street.

Joss is helping Alex pack up her rainbow home. They almost have everything into the van when Sally comes home early from work. Alex disappears to grab a lock of Sally’s hair off her hairbrush for a voodoo doll, and Joss offers to wait outside. Sally has other plans for Joss, though, and starts going on a tirade about how everything was fine and dandy until Joss showed up. Joss swears they’re just friends, that Alex doesn’t LIKE like her, but Sally knows she’s not that blind. On their way out, Sally tells Alex to leave her key. On one hand, I’m sorry Joss was there because it was super awkward, but I’m really glad she was because otherwise I’m not sure Alex would have actually left.

Later, Alex calls Joss to talk about her new, tiny — sorry, “charming” apartment and asks if she can take Joss out to lunch to thank her for helping her move. Joss says she’s super busy at work, even though she’s actually just lounging in her pajamas, reading a magazine. I don’t know if Harry or Sally is to blame for this, but either way I am DEVASTATED.

Hot Dad shows up at April’s shop and they bond over their rebellious, super-fangirl daughters. April confesses that she’s always been good. He tells her that it’s never a bad time to stop being good and she pounces. They have sex on a display bed, right in the middle of the store.

10 april pounces

At the doctor, Savi finds out that, despite a little bleeding, she’s still pregnant, but that she has to relieve some of the stress in her life. Even robot babies can short-circuit if you’re not careful. The miscarriage scare made her realize that she actually does want this baby, and that it’s time to fess up. She goes home and finds Harry in a pool of despair, reading baby books in the dark. She tells him that she’s pregnant, but before he can start jumping up and down like an excited kangaroo, she tells him that she is not positive that the baby is his.

Next door, Joss is looking bored while Surfer Dude watches his cartoons in bed. He asks if she wants to join him in the shower, but she highly doubts he can meet the new shower-sex standards Alex has set. Speaking of Alex, a picture text of a lizard pops up on Joss’s phone and after taking the briefest of moments to toss the lectures of Buzz and Kill out of her head, Joss calls Alex and says she’s on her way over, totally ditching Surfer Dude.

No sign of our lady lovers in the preview, which means maybe they’ll get a week of fun, drama-free flirting before the walls come crashing down. (I’ve been burned by lesbians on television before, I know better than to get my hopes up too early in the season.)

What did you think of “Decisions, Decisions”?

Here are some of our favorite #HomoWrecker tweets from this week:









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