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Best. Lesbian. Week. Ever. (July 13, 2007)

IF WE READ IT IN STAR, THEN WE KNOW IT MUST BE TRUE While journalistic integrity usually keeps our collective nose here at AfterEllen.com out of the tabloids, we would simply be remiss if we didn’t report to you the biggest “lesbian” “news” item of the day. Star magazine is reporting that a friend of actress Lindsay Lohan gave them access to her private MySpace.com account, which included passionate messages exchanged between Lohan and her alleged girlfriend, DJ Samantha Ronson (pictured right). In her MySpace profile, Lohan reportedly lists her sexual orientation as “bi” and status as “in a relationship.” Ronson and Lohan, who met three years ago, are said to be embroiled in a heated affair made more tumultuous by their individual battles with addiction.

Ronson, under the MySpace name “just a tomboy,” allegedly told Lohan that she would quit using crack if Lohan told her she loved her. Then Ronson wrote that Lohan should be with someone who didn’t cause her so much pain and who could help her maintain her sobriety.

Star maintains that some of Lohan’s Myspace content is too “explicit” to reprint, but they did print these quotes from Lohan’s replies to Ronson in their latest issue:

“Your all I have to live for, babe. I want to marry you and have children with you. I need you to live?” “I love you. You love me. Why don’t we **** and make a family?” “Babe, don’t leave me like this. I ****ING LOVE YOU!”
According to Star, Lindsay sends Samantha a “virtual kiss” each night, and in one of her messages, Lindsay wrote: “Go to bed babe. I love you — [signed] Lindsay Ronson.”

But the real news here, as we see it, is that some great art might come about as result of the torrid Lohan/Ronson affair. According to Star, Lohan is said to be turning her rehab diary – including entries regarding her affair with Ronson – into a batch of songs for her next CD.

Not since t.A.T.u. has a pop diva’s lesbian status been so publicized!

LESBIAN QUOTE OF THE WEEK “God, I don’t know. She was Swedish. They all look like lesbians. You can’t tell!” – Chloe Sevigny in the July 16 issue of New York magazine, on whether an airport security agent who strip-searched her once was hitting on her

JANE AUSTEN, BITTER LESBIANS AND BAD HATS Last November I mentioned that the upcoming movie The Jane Austen Book Club (due out Sept. 21), which co-stars Maria Bello, Amy Brenneman, Jimmy Smits, Kathy Baker and Emily Blunt, would include Maggie Grace as a narcissistic lesbian named Allegra. Here’s your first look at the group – and Emily Blunt’s really bad haircut: Watch the just-released trailer for a half-second glimpse of Allegra in bed with another woman (don’t blink around the 1-minute mark, or you’ll miss it): I liked Maggie Grace in Lost, and this movie looks less boring than the book, but what is up with the continuing lesbians-in-hats trend? In Gray Matters, Heather Graham’s character doesn’t wear a hat for the entire film – until she comes out, and then suddenly she’s got a lime-green monstrosity perched on her head – and at a bar, no less! Papi’s string of hats on The L Word would have been comical if her character wasn’t so annoying. And remember how Kit was originally going to look on the show, back when it was still called Earthlings and Pam Grier’s character was a lesbian? But don’t take my word for it – take Karman and Malinda’s, in their excellent summation of the issue in the Top 11 Lesbian Fashion Accessories:

There are so many different styles of hats, and so much can go wrong. Remember the Mad Hatter-style monstrosities worn by the lesbians to their wedding on Friends? Guinevere Turner’s backwards baseball cap in Go Fish? That horrible thing squatting on Chastity Bono’s head in Bar Girls? Even the normally dashing Marina looked like a lesbian Zorro on The L Word last week when she arrived at Jenny’s book reading wearing an oversized, fedora-esque-looking hat.
Memo to costume directors: The stereotype is about lesbians and cats, not lesbians and hats. Get it right, people!

MALINDA NIPS AND TUCKS Malinda is at the Television Critics Association press tour this week trying to get the dirt for us on all the lesbian characters and story lines coming up on cable and network TV. Today she attended the Nip/Tuck panel, where she asked about Portia de Rossi’s character and what’s on deck for Roma Maffia’s long-suffering lesbian Liz.

Creator Ryan Murphy explained that he heard Portia was a fan of the show, then had a meeting with her and cast her as a lesbian acupuncturist. But, he went on to say, “I never think of a character as straight or gay, I think about what their inner journey will be before their sexuality.” Maffia agreed, saying “it doesn’t matter the sexuality.” Which has me wondering: What kind of “inner journey” entails working for a couple of narcissistic jerks and losing an organ on a bad blind date, exactly? When Malinda asked Roma (above left, with Joely Richardson) what we could expect from her character this season, she replied, “[Ryan Murphy] only ekes out a little at a time, so what I can tell you is that Liz … this year she might find love … yeah, Hollywood is a bigger city than Miami, maybe. So I think that she might find love … or at least have sex, whichever comes first.”

YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED Have you ever wanted to dress up like Seven of Nine? Discuss Dune with other fans? Debate whether what Natalie Portman did in Star Wars can truly be considered acting? Then have I got the convention for you! Gaylaxicon 2007, the “annual international gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender & friends Science Fiction, Fantasy, Horror, and Gaming Convention” coming to Atlanta this fall: OK, I really don’t like the name, but I like the idea of an LGBT sci-fi conference. Yes, I’ll admit it, I’ve got a little sci-fi geek in me – but c’mon, how does this not sound fun?

G’con 2007 will feature all the standard con fare: panels, dances, films, receptions, celebrities, a costume contest, etc. Plus, we’ll be including all the things that have become a part of the Gaylaxicon tradition: the Chocolate Symposium, the SF Jeopardy! Game, the Ice Cream Social, and all the rest. We’ll also have live music, a performance of “Rocky Horror Picture Show”, and many other surprises!
Sci-fi movies and chocolate? Frak it, where do I sign up?!

HOW DID I MISS THIS? I just found out about the upcoming movie Feast of Love (due out Sept. 14), which is described as “a meditation on love and its various incarnations, set within a community of friends in Oregon.” It includes a story line in which Selma Blair leaves Greg Kinnear for a woman, kicking off a whole chain of events in poor Greg’s life.

Not entirely sure who plays Selma’s lover in the film, but I think it’s Stana Katic. It’s definitely not Sarah Michelle Gellar, unfortunately, but let’s take a stroll down memory lane, shall we? Now I remember why that won the Best Kiss award at the MTV Movie Awards in 2000 …

MORE LESBIAN DRAMA THAN LINDSAY’S MYSPACE ACCOUNT My new friends from Spain, Ana and Teresa, gave me the rundown on what’s been happening with the lesbian ladies on the hit Spanish drama Hospital Central since we last wrote about them in 2005. Boy, have these women been busy! Here’s the quick rundown: Maca (Patricia Vico), a pediatrician, and Esther (Fátima Baeza), a nurse, finally got married, and the ceremony was a happy one after some initial angst. The following season, the women decided to have a child, and Maca gave birth to a baby boy she named Pedro. While Maca was on maternity leave, Esther had an affair with a guy at work, and then ended up in an accident at the end of the season. (See, Esther, that’s what you get for cheating!)

This season started with Esther unexpectedly discovering she was pregnant. Maca was there for Esther initially, but broke up with her after she got over the initial shock and grew closer to another female doctor. But Maca eventually realized she was still in love with Esther and forgave her. When the season ended this week, they were once again a happy lesbian couple in love, as Esther gave birth to their second child.

Whew! That’s a lot of drama!

(Non Spanish-speaking fans of HC: discuss the show with other fans here.)

AND GENRE IS A LESBIAN MAGAZINE An AfterEllen.com reader (thanks Megan!) tipped me off to a new LGBT sports magazine in town: Sports Out Loud, which includes “a slew of sports and sports-related articles: insights into the world of professional sports, news on local gay sporting events, profiles of athletes, health and nutrition news, information on the latest training and athletic gear. Plus, we’ll have on-going columns that will touch on the humorous side of sports, allow readers to gain information on the best way to train for specific sports and how best to treat injuries.”

Editor Ted Rybka explains that the magazine is written by people who “belong to or are allies with the gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender community,” but rather than use acronyms like LGBT, GLBT, or GLBTQ, “we are using the word gay to encompass everyone in the community.”

I have another acronym for you, Ted: BS. As in, bait-and-switch. And … well, you know.

All the columnists, editors and writers listed appear to be gay men, the three features on the site are all about gay men, and did we mention everyone in every photo on the site is male, save for the woman in the bathing suit on the cover who is clearly designed to trick lesbians into thinking it’s actually a magazine for them, too? Even the Dallas softball team profiled is comprised solely of men. To quote Gob from Arrested Development, “C’mon!”

Oh, wait, I take it back, there is a female columnist listed on the site: Kimberly Gadette, who “gives us her perspective on sports fashion.” Um, what? Yes, because what could a lesbian possibly have to say about actual sports?

Listen, guys, I don’t care if you launch a gay men’s sports magazine. Heck, I even applaud it! But if you can call this a magazine for “everyone in the community,” then I guess Curve and Velvet Park can, too. I’m sure gay men will line up to buy them now.

INQUIRING MINDS WANT TO KNOW I recently stumbled across a website I just had to share: ralst.com (aka Passion and Perfection), a repository of lesbian fan fiction, photos and wallpapers.

The fan fiction section covers a lot of different TV shows, and the wallpaper section features lesbianish collages of a wide variety of shows, from Birds of Prey and Popular to Battlestar Galactica and Law & Order. As is typical with most fan art, the wallpaper offerings run the gamut from creative and seamless to ones that make you want to cover your eyes and yell “My eyes! My eyes!” like Phoebe on Friends.

But these fake lesbian tabloid covers made by a ralst.com member named trancer are truly inspired: I’m amused – and also wondering, why didn’t I think of that?! Oh, right: because I already have a zillion things to do. So yay for creative lesbians with more free time! See more of the fake tabloids here and check out L-Word.com’s extensive lesbian TV fan fiction section for even more ways to spend way too much time online.

BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE! Next Friday, we’ll be launching a new biweekly audio podcast called Oh God, I’m Gay, featuring host Alicia Ross talking with various religious and spiritual leaders of different faiths.

Logo and HRC will co-host the first presidential forum devoted to gay issues on Aug. 9, with live streaming of the event online. Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama and John Edwards have all confirmed they will participate.

The Game Show Network’s new game show Without Prejudice doesn’t have any gay contestants yet, but sexual orientation issues come up.

Jael from America’s Next Top Model lists her sexual orientation as “lesbian” on her MySpace profile (thanks Candace!).

Michael Moore might tackle homophobia in his next film.

Bill O’Reilly has apologized for the lesbian gangs segment – sort of.

That’s it for this week! Check back next Friday for another edition of Best. Lesbian. Week. Ever.

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