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“Curl Girls” Recaps: Episode 4

O Captain! My Captain! – Last week, the girls traveled to San Diego for a practice weekend. Well, that was the plan, anyway.

Everyone got in the surf, but some worked a little harder than others. And by “others” I mean Jessica. Turns out Jessica’s idea of practice consists of posing on the beach, gazing at the ocean, bashing bisexuals, and going out to dinner. Jessica sticks to the things she’s good at.

In their hotel room, Jessica and Melissa spend the morning reviewing all the ways Erin sucks the fun out of surfing. Jessica says she feels “belittled” when Captain Erin calls her a slacker. Instead, Jessica expects to be “helped” with her slackerness.

Jessica also says it’s unfair that Erin tried to kick her off the team. Asking “How committed are you?” is apparently code for “Don’t let the door hit your ass on the way out.”

Melissa agrees with everything Jessica says. She’s so blinded by love and the cornea-searing whiteness of her own hair that she can’t think clearly anymore.

Jessica’s nemesis, Gingi, has inexplicably been allowed in the room and sits on one of the beds, eating an apple and chuckling to herself. Just then, Erin walks in.

Melissa: We were just talking [smack about you] and I have a question for you. It’s been brought up that you’re pretty intense with some of the teammates … Well, obviously, talk to Jess. And you basically were like, “Does she want to be on the team or not?” because she’s not taking it, maybe, as serious as you are? Or that’s your impression. Erin: I was not even making a judgment call like that. I was not saying, “You’re not good enough” or “You’re not …” I wasn’t saying anything like that at all. I asked you, “Do you want to do the competition?” Jessica: You even had the audacity to even ask me do I want to leave the team.
Audacity! Jessica used a grown-up word correctly in a sentence. That Hooked on Phonics really does work.

Jessica starts topping from the bottom. Hoo, I know her type. She tells Erin to encourage her. She tells Erin to coach her. Jessica wants Erin to be the wind beneath her wings. Erin would rather take her bar exam again than be Jessica’s wind.

Erin’s only wish is that Jessica drop the drama for more than, oh, let’s say, 20 minutes. If only wishing made things so, I’d be a faster typist and have Sarah Shahi’s phone number. Or better yet, Sarah could type my recaps. Topless. Like my girlfriend does.

Can you put training wheels on a surf board? – Their bags stuffed with hotel towels and tiny shampoo bottles, the girls bid San Diego adieu and roll on back to their stomping grounds in L.A.

Michele tells us: “I was concerned about Erin. I was afraid she’d have post-traumatic stress disorder after the Jessica incident.” Does this show offer combat pay?

Out on the beach, Erin and Vanessa are wearing their wet suits and sitting with Michele, who’s sporting her favorite train conductor hat again. Erin isn’t looking forward to showing the Princess of Darkness how to surf because there’s nothing in it for her except enduring hours of whining.

Erin: I don’t want to be teaching someone how to f—ing surf. For a girlfriend, maybe. If I were getting laid, maybe.
Erin. She’s such a giver.
Michele: [Jessica’s] sort of still in denial about it. I mean, it’s gonna take until that contest happens and she fails, and she’ll finally maybe, possibly, admit that she doesn’t know what she’s doing. Vanessa: I think there’s probably no bigger motivator than public humiliation.
Erin takes her friends’ advice and resolves to hold Jessica’s hand until the competition. While the others surf it up, she stays behind with the Princess D and practices “pop-ups” with her on the sand. Vanessa gleefully reminds them to stretch their groins before running into the water.

“Do you, um, not have wax on the back of your board here?” Erin asks as she runs her hand across Jessica’s smooth board. Wax provides traction on surfboards, and Jessica’s board is oddly traction-free. Jessica says, no, she doesn’t wax it because she doesn’t really “go back there.” What kind of world would this be if bikini waxers thought that way? Not a world I want to live in, Skippy.

Erin explains that’s where your toes grip the board, so yeah, some traction might be a good idea. Then, Erin does the unimaginable. She puts wax on Jessica’s board for her. Did you feel that? Hell just froze over.

Jessica says “Thank you” as she stands idly by watching Erin wax her board. “You’re welcome,” Erin replies through clenched teeth. No wonder she needs a night guard.

After Jessica’s board is brought up to spec, Erin offers to forego her own surfing to swim out with Jessica and push her into stuff. My suggestions: some pokey coral, a group of jelly fish, a yellow cloud in the water. Princess D skips happily into the water with a new enthusiasm. Feeling smug as all get out, she approves of Erin ‘s leadership now that she’s doing things the Jessica Way.

Jessica: Definitely, it was a big breakthrough between Erin and I. She definitely did a 180, completely flipped around. And honestly, she proved to me that she can be a coach and she will be there for me.
Proving it to Princess. That’s what it’s all about.

A bidness meeting — The surfing competition is a mere three weeks away, and the girls haven’t done a darn thing except surf and fight. They take a meeting on the beach because sitting in a room at a real table is for stiffs with day jobs.

No-nonsense Erin whips a calendar and several pads of paper out of her bag. Helping yourself to office supplies is the American Way. Michele doesn’t need to take notes; she’ll just store everything up in that big ol’ noggin of hers. Vanessa already has six ideas of her own and doesn’t need to write them down. Knowing she has no experience putting on a fundraiser, Gingi doesn’t do anything but sit there and look hot. Melissa won’t be needing notes because Jessica will be telling her what to do. And Princess doesn’t plan on doing anything, anyway, so why bother?

Michele asks about making flyers. Erin volunteers her girlfriend, who’s a designer. Vanessa says she knows a skateboard company who might donate a skateboard to their cause. Melissa’s worried about how much there is to do because she has to do her task plus Jessica’s.

Do the hustle — While Vanessa goes to see a girl about a freebie skateboard, Erin stops by a surfboard shop to hit them up for some fabulous comp prizes. Meanwhile, Michele and Gingi hook up with Andrea Meyerson, founder of Women on a Roll, which is the Most. Delicious. Sandwich. Ever.

Actually, it’s a social organization for Southern California lesbian activity nuts. Michele claims Andrea knows every lesbian within a 50-mile radius of East/West, and if she can’t get bodies out to their fundraiser, nobody can. At the skateboard shop, there’s no half-pipe out back, no blaring house music and no skinny andro with bed-head named Shane cutting hair. What this shop does have is one lone sales girl who’s eyeing Vanessa suspiciously.

Vanessa drapes herself over the display case and gives her pitch about donating to a fundraiser to clean up the ocean. Shop Girl doesn’t know what to make of the visitor with the good cause and the tube socks.

Erin’s pitch at the surf shop scores some rad shirts. Vanessa wins over wary Shop Girl, who hands over their newest model: a tasty bamboo “girl skate.” Vanessa is quite the charmer. Gingi and Michele sit in the Women on a Kaiser Roll offices and explain the features of the fundraiser to Andrea: lesbian surfers, a raffle, musicians, blah, ocean, blah, clean, blah. Don’t bother — you had her at “lesbian surfers.”

Jessica feels too overwhelmed doing whatever it is Jessica does, so her contribution consists of sitting on the beach looking around as if she’s waiting for a cabana boy to bring her a margarita. That cabana boy’s name? Melissa.

Because sharing is caring — Someone decided the girls need to do some more bonding. Whose stupid idea was that? Captains Erin and Michele decide to share their hobbies with their respective teams: Erin takes her girls to a pistol range, and Michele invites Gingi and Melissa over for some backyard yoga.

Erin is waiting outside the range when Vanessa and Jessica stroll up. Vanessa gives Erin a big howdy-doo, but Jessica is looking at the sign on the building muttering, “No, no, no …”

Jessica: I appreciate you making this gesture, but I can’t do this. I can’t. I’m absolutely petrified of them. This is something I can not overcome. I can understand Gingi overcoming the ocean and fear, but I can’t … I can’t do this. This is not my territory.
Erin explains it was supposed to be a team-building exercise, but she doesn’t seem very disappointed Princess D wants no part of it. Vanessa suppresses a giggle as Jessica wells up with tears behind her Gucci knockoff shades. Vanessa points to a picture of a Glock on the building’s wall. It’s a happy Glock — what’s the problem? Erin suggests Jessica go home and have a drink. Vanessa’s up for anything, so she follows Erin inside, leaving Jessica pacing on the sidewalk. I suddenly feel bad for the princess. When did I become such a ‘mo?

At Michele’s place, it’s a whole different nightmare. Sitting on a mat, wearing a bandanna, Michele explains that yoga is one of the few things that complements surfing. Gingi sits with a restaurant napkin on her head, taking it all in. Melissa states simply, “I don’t work out and I don’t stretch, so that kinda rules out yoga.” That said, she’s willing to tear a ligament for the team. Michele positions Melissa into poses her body has never known. She might not be able to have children now. You know your yoga sucks when you’re shown up by a cat.

Send lawyers, guns and mommy — Back at the shooting range, Butchy Cassidy and the Tube Sock Kid stand at the counter picking out their hardware. Vanessa thinks she’s shopping for sex toys — she wants to pack the biggest one they have. She wants to shoot ’em all. I fear for Vanessa’s next girlfriend.

Erin says she understands if Jessica doesn’t like guns; it’s the melodrama she can’t stand anymore. Vanessa plays with the clipboard on the counter and offers to add Jessica’s name to the shooting range’s mailing list. Vanessa is all about being thoughtful.

Without the dead weight of Jessica’s endless emotional needs, Erin and Vanessa feel free as barn swallows. They celebrate by giddily blowing the hell out of a bunch of paper targets. Erin choose bull’s-eye targets, but Vanessa goes for the human silhouette so she can picture Jessica’s face on them.

Vanessa hits the button, and her target returns to her on the automatic pulley. She nailed the chest, a lung lobe and the left kidney. Don’t mess with the ‘Ness.

Meanwhile, Jessica is still outside nursing her panic attack. She’s waiting for a friend to come get her to take her to Melissa for some hugs and warm milk.

Back at Michele’s, there’s an orgy going on. OK, it’s not an orgy sadly exactly, but it looks slightly tantric. Gingi is upside down, and Melissa’s got her by her feet. Michele has her hands on Gingi’s torso.

It’s the little-known yoga pose “Upside-Down Gingibread.” Just as they let Gingi go, Jessica shows up. She tells the others the bad lady tried to make her do bad things.

Jessica: My anxiety was freaking out. I was crying. Gingi: You can do some yoga and chill out … Michele: You wanna just sit? Jessica: [to Melissa] I want to know if you can take me home, actually. I’m really disturbed.
True that. Melissa nods silently. Gingi looks amused. (Gingi always looks amused.) Michele’s brow is furrowed with what? Worry? I think her bandanna’s just too tight.

Melissa is happy to be pulled out of yoga class. Thanking God her girlfriend’s drama finally worked in her favor, she takes Princess home for a foot massage and a Xanax.

Transformers — Later that night, after Jessica’s had time to recover from her ordeal, Erin has her team over to her place to get ready for a night out on the town. Vanessa arrives early, giving her a few minutes to talk to Erin about their problem child.

Erin opens a bottle of wine, but before they can get waist-deep in the Jessica mire, the princess herself shows up. Devoting five minutes and a glass of merlot to Jessica’s emotional issues seems like both not enough and way too much.

To lighten things up, Erin, Vanessa and Jessica have decided to dress in drag. This has Vanessa written all over it. She has her portable tranny kit with her: suits, hats, her trusty fake mustaches and Ace bandages. You never know when the mood will strike you to put a sock in your pants.

Jessica gets her boobs wrapped up tight while Erin crams herself into her own closet to change. Either that’s a studio apartment or Erin’s a modest little weirdo. Erin and Jessica are donning their ties when Vanessa swings the bathroom door open. She’s wearing a little black hoochy dress. That is so wrong. So. Wrong. She looks like a bad drag queen. Vanessa in a dress is a crime against nature. Like turducken.

In her tight shirt, loud tie and droopy mustache, Erin imagines she looks like a young Johnny Depp. Dream on. She looks like a little gigolo from Tijuana.

Meanwhile, Jessica’s pimping in style in her chocolate-brown three-piece suit, big, hairy ‘stache and her hair pulled up into a men’s hat.

Erin: I have, like, small-man syndrome. Vanessa: Hey, all your size went to your penis, OK?
They help Vanessa teeter out to the car because she walks like a stork in stripper heels. Oh, lay! — Melissa, Gingi and Michele sit at a table in El Cid, a Flamenco dinner theater, waiting for the others to arrive. As they chat, Melissa looks up and freezes with her jaw hanging open. Then she busts out laughing.

The others turn around just in time to see Vanessa coming toward them in her hoochy dress and a blond wig, carrying a cute little pink purse. Gingi laughs but then spies Jessica and squeals with delight.

Gingi: [laughing] Get the f— out! Melissa: [whispering to Jessica] You look a little different … Jessica: I grew a little hair. Gingi: [looking approvingly at Jessica] Holy s—. Jessica: My tits are also Ace-bandaged down. Gingi: [fascinated] No way!
Gingi and the others listen as Jessica describes how it feels to be a man. And because she has no filter, Jessica motions to Melissa and tells the table she wants to put on a strap-on and “just f— the s— out of her, and just role-play.”

Michele covers her face with her hand. All Erin can say is, “Wow.” Melissa looks like she’s going to slide off her chair and under the table with embarrassment. Gingi can’t take her eyes off Jessica and might slide off her chair for a different reason.

Their attention is redirected to the stage as the show begins. A woman introduces herself and the girls behind her as the Pin-Up Girls. Jessica blurts out, “Y’all need a man?”

As the Pin-Up Girls begin dirty dancing in fishnets and garters, Gingi continues to drool as she stares at her frienemy. Melissa thinks it’s rude. I dunno. I love when other women check out my girlfriend, cuz ya know, it’s a compliment for me.

All three dragsters end up getting dragged into the act. Erin and Jessica sit onstage with their knees spread wide as the dancing girls shimmy and rub all over them. Gingi’s eyes glisten with horn-doggie glee. Whatever hate-on Gingi had for Jessica turns into something else as she goes into a trance. Girls in menswear: a bisexual’s two-fer-one.

Gingi: Jessica can definitely rock a suit, for sure. Those lips under that hat? Forget about it … it’s good.
Who needs yoga and handguns? Nothing brings friends together like a good old-fashioned girlie show. And nothing flips Gingi’s switch like a chick in a suit. Heh.

Next week on Curl Girls: The competition heats up when a trip to Hawaii is added to the stakes. Jessica bullies her way into Vanessa’s lesbian fashion show. Gingi gets her groove on. Melissa has a meltdown.

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