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“Bad Girls” Recaps: Episode 2.10 “Family Plan”

THIS WEEK’S RAP SHEET:

The rival: Yvonne’s nemesis arrives at Larkhall.

The reproducer: Julie J. has the urge to procreate.

The rubes: Denny and Shaz are fun-loving innocents, despite their criminal records.

Another day, another delivery — The Larkhall lorry is delivering some more new inmates. Inside, Denny says what everyone’s thinking:

Denny: [as Dominic enters with a morning greeting] Another great day in Larkhall, eh, Mr. McAllister?

Oh, Den. You’re just happy because there’s a spiky-haired cutie in the bottom bunk. Dominic asks said cutie, Shaz, how she’s settling in. Shaz still seems happy to be in jail, which means I’ll never call her a smartie.

As Shaz sponges off at the sink, Denny seems to get a funny feeling in the pit of her stomach. She tries not to be too obvious as she watches, but she can’t really look away, either. Ooh, watching while someone washes! It doesn’t get much more “babes behind bars” than this.

Another day, another euphemism — As Dominic strolls by the servery, Julie S. remarks on his potential.

Julie S.: Here. I bet his tackle’s all in working order.

Julie J.: What? You mean …

Julie S.: Why not? Any kid of his’d be a right dazzler. Nice face, eh? You wouldn’t kick him out of bed, now would ya?

Julie J.: That’s only ’cause I’d never get him into bed in the first place.

That’s right: Tackle means, uh, meat and two veg. Don’t make me get explicit. The Julies are trying to make a baby, see? Just like any other self-respecting lesbian couple. Or, sorry, pair of “best friends.” Julie J. doesn’t think it’s a great idea to screw a screw, but Julie S. says they just need to get over the obstacles in order to get Julie J. under Dom. Eye roll.

The Shell who cried sling — Shell is wincing as she squeezes her taped-up arm into a sling. What? Oh, right — Babs threw her around her cell a bit in the last episode. Hee. I’m laughing even though Barbara’s telling Yvonne it’s not funny.

Barbara: I acted like an animal.

Yvonne: Well, that’s nothing special in ‘ere, love. Welcome to the zoo.

Rrrowr!

No big deal — Shaz is in for triple murder. That’s right: triple. Denny wants to know how it happened. Shaz explains that she worked at a fish counter, and one day she poured the juice off some bad oysters onto some good ones. She thought it would just sic the health inspectors on her meanie boss, but it ended up siccing the grim reaper on some customers.

Shaz: Anyway, all this talk of food’s got me famished.

Wow. I’ve heard of letting things roll off your back, but that’s pretty extreme. Shaz seems only slightly remorseful at best.

Meanwhile, I keep thinking of Tipping the Velvet, what with the watching-while-washing and the oyster talk. Ah, Whitstable. I say that like I’ve been there.

They go to breakfast, where Shaz remarks that she thinks she and Den will have “a laugh” together. Denny reckons so too and starts things off by telling Shaz about the phone sex scheme. I’ll never call Denny a smartie, either.

A whodunit — Denny and Shaz move to the common area, where (speaking of sex) Shell walks by and explains away her sling as the result of a slip and fall. Denny offers to take care of whoever did that to her, but Shell tells her not to worry and gives her cheek a little caress.

The sartorially splendid Miss Betts, on the other hand, wants to know exactly who “had a go” at Shell.

After some awkward silences, Barbara stands up and confesses. Shell leaps up too, denying the whole thing — who would want to admit to being roughed up by “Miss Middle England,” as Nikki called her?

I keep expecting it to become a Spartacus moment, but instead there are just several tense moments as Shell insists that the “old mare” didn’t touch her. Karen just stands by and glares at everyone and then gives up.

Yvonne sees all — Denny tells Yvonne that Shaz wants to help out with the phone sex line.

Yvonne: [to Shaz] Why, do you wanna work a switchboard?

Denny: Nah, she can talk dirty.

Yvonne: Now, I’m sure that’s very nice for you after lockup, but I’m not into that sort of thing, Denny.

Ha ha! No, wait: Take it back, Yvonne. You don’t really mean that. But she stands firm, on both issues. Then she goes right to the Julies’ cell and asks whether they’ve been mouthing off about the phone sex line. They insist they’ve kept quiet, so Yvonne explains that Denny has told “her new little girlfriend” about the business venture.

Julies both: Oh, bloody hell.

Julie S.: If she’s gonna go and tell every girl she fancies —

Julie J.: — the whole wing’s gonna know.

Denny Does Larkhall!

Yvonne feels better when the Julies reveal they have some regular customers. They’re even quite nice, as wankers go.

Plotting — Shaz suggests that she and Denny have a “night out.” It seems she knows a trick, and she’ll prove it.

Meanwhile, out in the yard, the Julies (festive in classy animal prints) are whispering about their own plot. Dominic walks right into their trap: He chats with them, so they ask whether he has a girlfriend. He says no, which is all the invitation they need. Julie S. finds a reason to scram so Julie J. can flirt with Dom. He just tries to walk away, ’cause he’s smart like that.

But Julie J. keeps pushing until he has to push back, in the form of a warning for “propositioning a prison officer.” What is this crazy scheme? Why, exactly, would the Julies want to reproduce at this late, locked-up stage of their lives? Oh, why am I looking for logic?

Next thing you know, Julie J. is in the chapel, flirting with the Father. Er, vicar. Whatever; I can’t take much more of this. Julie J. goes back to her cell, only to face the horror of Julie S.’ latest suggestion for a shag: Fenner. Ugh.

Right on cue, one of Julie J.’s favorite phone sex customers, John, dials in. A little light bulb goes off in her head. She asks the guy to send her a picture and offers to send him a visiting order. Julie S. looks on skeptically. After the call, Julie S. points out that the guy is probably a perv. What’s worse, Yvonne will “go ballistic” if she finds out.

Wait a minute. Her john is named John? How creative.

Ladies of the night — Some new arrivals stroll into reception under cover of night. One of them seems very accustomed to dark places and vicious circumstances. Her name is Renee Williams, and she scares me. Dominic feels a little unsettled too as he processes her paperwork. But then he gets right in her face and tries to put her in her place. Too bad she has just put something else in its place: She’s stashed a razor blade in the pocket of her standard-issue Larkhall robe.

Sigh — How much do I love Hollamby’s patented put-upon sighs? They’re sort of like Kim Jong Il’s puppety “ronery” sigh in Team America: World Police. Anyway, little does the sighing Hollamby know that Denny and Shaz have something planned for her. They’ve stuffed the lock on their cell with paper so they can get out, and now they’re putting soap cakes (laundry detergent pellets, I guess) in the toilet tanks. Those wacky pranksters!

Denny and Shaz almost get caught when a guard checks the loo, but they stand on the toilet like experienced ruffians. And then Shaz has one more trick: water balloons. Or, rather, water-filled condoms. How old are they, exactly? Twelve?

Mooning and dodging — Julie J. is sure John the Phone Sex Customer would be a good baby daddy. Julie S. still has her doubts and has no idea how Julie J. and John can make a baby in “the middle of the bleedin’ visitin’ room” anyway.

Meanwhile, back in their cell, Denny and Shaz celebrate their accomplishments. Hang on. You two got out of your cell, and all you did was pull some pranks? Wow. Well, you deserve each other.

The next morning — Shell awakens to find water all over the floor of her cell. It seems those water-filled condoms are a good way to squeeze something through a keyhole.

And in the loo, Julie S. flushes the toilet, only to cause a detergent-y overflow. Hollamby rushes to the rescue, but all she can do is fume and scowl and say, “Oh my Lord.” And then she’s speechless when she sees the effigy in one of the other stalls: It’s a figure with a bucket for a head, a mop for hair and a trash bag for a body — and it’s wearing a sign that says “Bodybag Hollamby.” All the nearby inmates and recappers laugh, of course.

Next thing you know, all the officers are in Karen’s office, wishing they could explain what happened.

Karen: Well, let’s suppose we’re not dealing with poltergeists or gremlins. Let’s suppose someone hasn’t been doing their job properly.

Hollamby tries to shift the blame to the night staff. Karen says that’s not good enough; clearly somebody wasn’t locked up properly last night. Hollamby takes the insinuation personally, but still refuses to take responsibility.

Elsewhere, Denny and Shaz are resting on their laurels and making eyes at each other. Could we have had a little more discussion before we got to the affection, maybe? I know there are lots of LUGs, so to speak, in prison, but exactly when did these two agree to express their fondness for each other?

Hollamby shows up and tells them to stop “handling each other.” Shell arrives and says the real problem is that Hollamby’s not gettin’ any. Then she tries to get Denny up to her cell for a smoke, but Denny seems to prefer Shaz’s company. Shell is clearly jealous.

The gaggle of newbies — Renee, the scary new inmate, wants out of the dorm she’s been sharing with all the other new arrivals. She tells Dominic it “smells like a jungle” in there, which is of course a horridly racist remark. Dom scolds her, but she just smirks at him.

Beholding the baby daddy — Julie J. has a letter from John. She can’t bear to open it, knowing there’s a picture inside, so Julie S. opens it. The picture is just fine — he’s cute enough — but jeez, look at that serial-killer handwriting!

Julie S. decides it’s worth a try, as long as they can be quick. I still don’t understand how this insemination or sample collection is supposed to happen.

A stare-down — Renee enters the wing. Yvonne freezes when she sees her.

Renee: Well, well. Small bloody world, ain’t it? I wondered where they’d shoved you.

Yvonne: So now you know.

Renee: Yeah, I do, don’t I? You’ll be dead close.

Eek. By the way, if you’re wondering, Renee (Alison Newman) is also Hazel on Footballers’ Wives, in quite a gay way. And she even appears on Hex as a reverend. Guess the U.K. acting pool is fairly shallow! Er, compact. Rich with talent in a small space.

Dominic escorts Renee to the four-bed cell, which doesn’t please her. When Denny and Shaz arrive, she gives them a look they don’t exactly appreciate. Leave the young lovers alone!

Mealtime — Renee and Yvonne face off again. Renee says she’s in for love — she committed a crime for her man, much like Yvonne did. But there the commonalities seem to end; they’re not exactly getting along.

Yvonne sits down to chat with Babs and reveals that Charlie was a “business competitor” with Renee’s husband. A-ha, another gangster’s moll. But it’s even more serious than that:

Yvonne: It was Renee Williams’ husband I took a contract out on to kill.

Oopsie. Apparently that didn’t exactly work; all it did was piss Renee off. And I am little miffed at the wayward syntax of that sentence, but never mind.

Nearby, Renee asks Shell what’s in the lasagne. She seems to take it pretty seriously.

Food issues — In the four-bed cell, Renee takes Denny’s snack (nuts of some kind) and dumps it down the loo. Then she holds that secreted razor blade to Denny’s face and tells her she doesn’t like Denny or her “boyfriend.” Yeah? Well, we don’t like you and your nut-hating ways! Neener neener!

Prepping — Julie S. is pimping, er, primping Julie J. for the visit. She tells her she looks so good, “I could go for you meself.” Yeah, we thought as much.

Apparently the visit with John is going to involve a “yogurt pot” and a “clean syringe.” I don’t know what that means, exactly, but I know it sounds gross.

Meanwhile, as Hollamby and Dominic lament the coming visiting hour, Yvonne encounters Renee and that damn razor blade. Yvonne quickly walks over to the two officers — for her own safety and in order to hear this fabulous line about what happens when husbands and wives reunite on visiting day:

Hollamby: Afterwards, it’s back to the girlfriend for him — and the same for her.

At the visiting hour, Julie J’s John has a lot less hair than he had in the picture. Figures. But he’s happy to see “Whiplash Wanda” nonetheless. And she expresses her own enthusiasm, in the form of a hand under the table.

Sneaking around — Denny and Shaz find a cleaners’ closet and go inside to make out. Oh, the irony!

Soon they’re giggling, and Hollamby overhears them. She flings open the closet door to find them goofing around and putting mopheads on their own heads. Again, I’m so disappointed in you two: always goofing off instead of gettin’ busy. But it doesn’t matter how innocent their activities might be. Hollamby says they’ll be split up for good anyway.

Hollamby goes right to Karen’s office and informs her of the “unnatural activities.”

Hollamby: Denny Blood and that new girl are all over each other like bed boils. Sickening. And it’s a bad influence.

Karen: In what way, exactly?

Hollamby: I beg your pardon. Perhaps I should remind you, ma’am, that lesbian activities are against prison rules.

Karen: Just how difficult do you want your job to be?

Hollamby: I’m sorry. I don’t follow you.

Karen: Some rules — not many, but one or two — are best turned a blind eye to if we want to have any chance at all of running an orderly prison.

Hollamby: But it’s disgusting.

Karen: Then don’t watch ’em when they’re at it!

Karen. You’re awesome. So is Dominic — he’s been suppressing a fit of giggles throughout this entire conversation.

Hollamby: ‘Don’t watch them when they’re at it’? What does she think I am?

Dominic: I think she knows what you are, Syl.

The glee of that little scene was almost enough to make up for the complete lack of Helen and Nikki in this episode. Nah, not really.

Caught — Julie J. is still giving John a hand job under the table, but he feels something funny: the yogurt pot. He quickly realizes what’s going on, only he assumes she wants to slap him with a paternity suit nine months down the line.

Ugh, sorry. I just used the word “slap” there.

Dominic sends the Julies to Karen’s office, where they can’t get their story straight. They play nice and sweet, but it doesn’t fly with Karen. She asks who else is in on the phone sex thing, but they say they’re working alone. Karen doesn’t buy that either. So she orders a search of every cell on the wing. Yvonne orders Denny to dispose of all the phones, so Denny goes off to the loo to flush the contraband. Gosh, that plumbing is getting a real workout today.

Then Denny goes back to the four-bed cell to hold Shaz’s hand. Aw. I still say they’re silly, but they’re cute too.

Hollamby drops by and tells them the powers that be have decided to turn a blind eye.

Hollamby: But don’t think I will. What you two do to each other is unnatural and disgusting.

I love the way that word sounds from Hollamby: “diz-goosting.”

Out in the common area, disgusted is how Yvonne looks when she sees the Julies walking by, looking dejected. Barbara encourages her to look on the positive side: At least they’re not in trouble, since the screws didn’t find the phones.

Renee slithers up to them and taunts Yvonne about the fact that Charlie’s in jail. Then she says she had a little fling with Mr. Yvonne. She even knows what his tackle looks like, and when Yvonne hears the description, she’s more than a little upset.

Shell: You ain’t gonna stand for that, are ya? Do her!

Yeah, what Shell said! But Yvonne doesn’t take the bait; she just goes back to her cell and cries. That is not a pretty sight — badasses shouldn’t bawl.

NEXT TIME ON BAD GIRLS: Nikki! And Helen! They’re back! Thank God.

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