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“Bad Girls” Recaps: Episode 2.04 “Looking for Love”

THIS WEEK’S RAP SHEET:

The dullards: Josh and Crystal put everyone to sleep.

The dissembler: Fenner can’t fool anybody, but that won’t stop him from trying.

The deranged: Shell starts to go off the rails.

An unwelcome sight — Sylvia Hollamby is back at work after being shoved down the stairs in the last episode. She doesn’t seem much the worse for wear, but she is wearing a please-feel-sorry-for-me neck brace. She recites her miseries to her co-workers. Karen Betts thinks maybe Sylvia should have taken some time off.

Hollamby: Oh, no. That’d be playing right into their hands, that would. Nothing that murdering lot’d like more than to get me off their backs for a few weeks. Well, I’m not about to give them that satisfaction.

Satisfaction is a good word for a lack of Hollamby in one’s life. Bliss and joy are two other good words. Nah, who am I kidding? The woman and her neck brace are hilarious.

Sylvia says she wants a full investigation, but Karen says there’s nothing else they can do. The stairs were just plain slippery.

Hollamby: Perhaps you’d be paying a bit more attention if they’d managed to kill me.

Dominic and Di titter in the background. Karen reins everyone in and hands out the assignments for the day. Fenner doesn’t like his assignment; it’s far too lowly for such an experienced officer. But Karen insists, and also insists that Dominic take over as Shell’s personal officer.

Karen: [looking down her nose at Fenner] For obvious reasons.

Nicely done, Boss Betts! Fenner, who always looks like an android ready to go haywire, silently fumes. What must that man’s blood pressure be? Worse than Jack Donaghy‘s, I suspect.

As soon as Karen leaves, Fenner fumes out loud:

Fenner: [to Hollamby] You saw that, didn’t you? Now, tell me that cow isn’t out to get me.

I’ll tell you, Jim: she is. That cow and every other cow, bitch and bird is out to get you. Because you — if we’re taking our epithets from the animal kingdom — are a dog, a rat, a weasel and a pig. And a sloth, an ape and a bear. Wait, not a bear. I’ve just given myself a horrifying mental image.

The servery — Josh has a work order (or something scrawled on a piece of notepaper); he’s supposed to investigate a leak. Crystal says she doesn’t know anything about a leak.

Can I just get a show of hands, here? How many of you are interested in Josh and Crystal at all?

Didn’t think so. But we’re stuck with their romance until Helen shows up again. Josh tries to convince Crystal that he’s a good guy who doesn’t sell drugs. Crystal just wants to talk about God, as usual, even though she acknowledges that she “sinned” when she shoplifted and landed in the clink. But she insists Jesus would shoplift too, because that’s the best way to bring down all the greedy shopkeepers.

Um. What the hell? That sounds crazy, but it’s supposed to be cute somehow — they’re flirting, get it? Don’t you talk about God and shoplifting when you flirt?

The two Julies show up and sense the chemistry between Josh and Crystal. But I think they could sense chemistry between a turnip and a potato. The whole world is their little science experiment.

Interior design — Shell is putting a picture on her wall; it’s some hunky guy who looks sorta like Vanilla Ice. The only interesting thing about this is that she appears to be sticking the picture to the wall with toothpaste. Well, I guess it does have paste in the name.

Shell doesn’t understand why Dom’s being so bossy; he explains that he’s her new personal officer. Shell finds this very exciting.

Shell: If you ever feel like poppin’ in sometime, you know you’re always welcome.

Yeah, she means exactly what you think she does. Gross.

Meal time — Zandra’s trying to trade prison food for spends, but nobody’s buying. What’s up, Zan? Do you want to buy some diapers (er, nappies) or something else for your baby? I’m sure you’re not looking for something for yourself.

Yvonne shows up. Why do I smile like a fool when she walks into a scene?

Yvonne asks Denny about her mum, who still hasn’t visited. She tries to reassure Denny.

Yvonne: It must be hard for her, Denny. I mean, it must have been a shock coming across you like that after all these years.

Zandra: Wouldn’t like to find out that Denny was my daughter.

Yvonne: Me and Denny are having a private conversation here, love. So if you don’t mind …

Woo! Zandra just sighs and leaves — well, she sits about one table away and pouts. I love the way Yvonne has made her dominance known so quickly; Zan didn’t even think about arguing.

Yvonne says that whatever Jessie’s reasons are for not visiting, they don’t have anything to do with Denny.

Yvonne: You got a lot going for you, girl. And don’t let anyone else tell you anything different.

Yeah, Denny’s definitely a catch, as a daughter or friend or whatever else. I mean, there’s the prison thing, and the psycho friend-with-benefits (Shell) and the semi-literate thing. What a winner! But no, I agree with you, Yvonne. Denny’s a sweetheart, underneath it all.

Hollamby chooses this tender moment to make her grand entrance to laughter and whistles from the inmates. She marches right over to Denny and tells her to get out in the yard and clean up some sort of mess.

Denny: I’m eating.

Hollamby: There’s no breakfast for you until you’ve cleared it up.

This reminds me of the mother in Oranges Are Not the Only Fruit: “There’ll be no breakfast in hell!”

Denny gets cheeky and lights a cigarette, but Hollamby immediately says, “Fag out,” so Den gives the cigarette to Zan. (The use of “fag” to mean wood or sticks for burning isn’t actually related to other senses of the word, though the etymology of its use as a slur isn’t exactly great, either.)

As Denny leaves, Zan winces in pain. That’s not really new — isn’t she always wincing? — but the music is ominous, so I think we’re supposed to notice.

The wing office — Jim and Dom (isn’t it great the way everyone’s name can be shortened to three letters or fewer?) discuss the challenges of dealing with Shell.

Jim: You wanna come down heavy on her, son, or she’ll just take you for a ride.

Di, who is nearby, giggles at this. Jim barks at her, and then grouses about the “governor’s little errand,” which is some sort of task he thinks he’s above. Di is saved by the bell: The phone rings with a message from St. Martin’s hospital. Denny’s mum is there.

Before Denny can deal with important things like that, she has to listen while Josh sings Crystal’s praises. Out in the yard, he gives her a letter to deliver to Crystal.

Josh: Let’s just say there’s a couple of things I’d like to say to her face, except she’s a bit scary.

Denny: You don’t know how scary, man. Nutter’s the word.

Denny agrees to deliver the letter, but asks for some money in exchange. Once again, she’s smart when it counts.

Dom finds her and explains the situation with her mum: Jessie has been “knocked down by a car,” but she’s OK. Denny insists that she be allowed to go see her mum. Dom just sort of stares at her as if he’s forgotten his lines.

Another mum, another letter — Julie J. has a letter from her daughter, Rhiannon. Does she ring like a bell through the night? Better than that: She’s moving back to London, even though Julie J. doesn’t expect her husband to lift the court order that’s preventing Rhiannon from visiting her mum in jail.

Yvonne shows up to chat, but Hollamby interrupts, just to harass them. Yvonne makes a big show of looking past Hollamby at something interesting, causing Hollamby to turn her head to look — and tweak her neck in the process. The two Julies snicker; Yvonne feigns a concerned look. Yvonne, you’re such an instigator! Hey, and I can’t shorten your name very easily. Yv? Vonne? Hot stuff?

Denny saunters by and tells them about her mum. She also says Dominic is going to “fix it” so she can go to the hospital for a visit, but Dom overhears this and denies it. Zan is nearby, wincing again.

Zandra: How come you can fix a day out for her, and you can’t even fix me with a few aspirin?

Dominic: ‘Cause you’re always askin’ for pills for one thing or another.

Yeah, but look how sincerely she’s wincing this time, Dom.

Dom says it’s up to Dr. Nicholson, whom Zan calls an “NHS bloody reject.” So Dom pulls her aside — like two feet aside, as if that’s going to do any good around Yvonne’s super-keen ears. Dom says Zandra’s in pain because she still hasn’t gotten clean, but she says there’s no reason to get clean.

Zandra: What do you care?

Dominic: Call me stupid.

And another of those significant moments passes between them. They would have such pretty blue-eyed babies.

Airing his grievances — Fenner tells Karen he’s decided to start a “grievance procedure” against her for her “unprofessional conduct.”

Karen: Well, you’d know all about that, wouldn’t you, Jim?

She knows he’s just whining because she’s been giving him the unsavory jobs, like monitoring urine tests. Fenner threatens to tell Simon about “their past,” since it might explain her “motives.” Karen doesn’t even flinch.

Karen: A man’s gotta do, Jim …

How do you really want to end that, Karen? “Whatever he can to pump up his own ego?” Or maybe “Every vile thing that crosses his puny little mind?”

The phone queue — Denny gives Crystal the letter from Josh. Crystal insists she’s not interested, but she doth protest too much: She goes right to the loo to read the letter in private. And she grins and grins, but I don’t know why. I find Josh about as charming as a hyper, yipping puppy.

Speaking of grinning like a fool, that’s what Denny is doing as Karen tells her she’s been granted temporary release to visit her mother.

Karen: Miss Barker will accompany you. You give her any grief, and I’ll give you a lot more. You understand?

I think you’re confusing deterrence with seduction, Miss Betts. Anyway, Denny’s over the moon either way: She just bounces and smiles, again like a hyper puppy, but this time I do find it cute. So do Karen and Di.

Bored and dangerous — Out in the yard, Shell flirts with Josh. Crystal sees Shell pretending to read Josh’s palm and jumps to conclusions (entirely reasonable conclusions, when Shell’s involved). Josh sees Crystal scowling at him and walks away from Shell, who is stunned by the rejection.

Yawn. This is the standard stuff of soap operas, I know, but I’ve come to expect Bad Girls to be anything but standard.

All dressed up and ready to go — Di Barker asks Denny whether she’s ready to go to the hospital. Denny’s more than ready, having not been outside in three years. She’s wearing makeup and everything, which I’m not sure I like.

Zan hints that Denny should take the opportunity to escape. Di scolds Zan for putting ideas in Denny’s head and calls Denny a “good girl.” After they leave, Zandra mumbles that Di is a “stupid cow.”

Crystal: Just ’cause you got an headache don’t mean you can slag everyone off, you know.

What about when she slags everyone off and doesn’t have a headache?

Begging for attention — Shell calls Dominic into her cell: There are cockroaches under the bed. Well, that’s what she tells him, anyway. But as soon as he’s off his guard and peeking under the bed, Shell pushes the cell door partly shut and disrobes.

Shell: Don’t you want me to be your little girl?

I actually just shuddered. Run, Dom, run! I guess we all knew Shell was headed for loony land (or possibly hails from there), but still. That was just disturbing.

Dominic just says, “Jesus, Shell,” and leaves. Take me with you, Dom!

The hospital — Denny has some money with her; she wants to buy her mother some flowers. Di scolds her — she’s not supposed to have money at all — but decides to turn a blind eye this time. She even spots Denny a fiver so she can buy some nice roses.

Denny: Thanks. You’re all right, man!

Beauty school — Back at Larkhall, Julie J. is doing Julie S.’s hair. And by “doing,” I mean teasing it right into that just-stuck-my-finger-in-the-outlet style.

As the Julies sing a song about Larkhall to the tune of “Frère Jacques” — because that’s just the kind of kicky girls they are — Josh stops by to flirt with Crystal. She accuses him of flirting with Shell, too, and won’t listen to his explanations.

Crystal stomps off, so the Julies give him some advice and tell him not to give up so easily. If only they were here to tease my hair and encourage me to keep recapping in the absence of Helen and Nikki.

The hospital — Jessie’s mom is no longer there. It seems she has gone back to the hostel. Di calls the prison and asks Karen whether she can take Denny to the hostel instead. When she hangs up the phone, she pretends to have bad news, but then celebrates with Denny:

Di: She said OK!

Denny: Wicked!

Sheesh, Di, did you become a prison officer because you thought it would be a good way to make friends? You’re smiling and giggling like you’re at a slumber party.

Defending her honor — Karen is confronting Shell about her attempt to seduce Dominic.

Shell: My dressing gown just slipped off. It’s not a crime, having a slippy dressing gown, is it?

I think Karen is more worried about your slippy mind, Shell.

Karen: Don’t piss me about. Why did you do it?

Shell doesn’t really have an excuse, except she’s sad and everyone hates her. Karen sighs and lectures her a little, and then tries to reach out.

Karen: The point is, Shell, don’t you think you’re worth more than that?

Whoa: feminist consciousness raising in prison. The U.K. really does do things differently.

The hostel — Denny’s excitement soon turns to disappointment: Her mum’s not at the hostel either. Uh-oh, Di, will you join Denny on a hunt for her mother, all across that green and pleasant land? Road trip!

Denny sits right down on the front steps of the hostel and says she’ll wait. Di tries to talk some sense into her, and is all buddy-buddy.

Di: If it was up to me, gorgeous, we’d stay here till Jessie turned up. But I don’t make the rules.

You sure do make the sweet talk, though, don’t you? Hmm. She promises to help Denny find her mum if she agrees to go back to Larkhall right this minute.

Telling it like it is — The two Julies attack Shell for trying to mess things up for Crystal and Josh.

Julie S.: You’re nothing but an evil slut, Shell Dockley.

Julie J.: Evil slut.

This seems to kick Shell right into high psycho gear, so the Julies just keep taunting her. Prison is like one big playground, but you never get to go home to mum and dad.

The old boys’ club — Simon Stubberfield and Jim Fenner are playing golf. Try to imagine the grimace on my face.

Simon thinks Fenner is just overreacting to Karen’s so-called “vendetta” against him, but then seems to take it seriously when Jim reveals that he and Karen had an affair.

Simon: Why on earth didn’t you tell me about this straightaway?

Fenner: I didn’t think it mattered. I mean, it all happened so long ago, I forgot all about it. I assume she had.

Simon: Well, she hadn’t. ‘Cause she made a point of telling me about it as soon as she realized how closely she was gonna be working with you. Of course, her account of your liaison was a little less vivid. You know, if I were you, Jim, I’d learn to cut your losses. I’m glad the Dockley thing’s out of the way and you’re still in the job, but don’t try and have your cake and eat it. Your putt.

Ha ha! Pwned! Er, whatever you say in golf.

The hard truth — As Denny and Di make their way back to Larkhall, they pass a park. It’s the sort of park where drunks hang out. You know, drunks like Denny’s mum.

Denny runs right up to her and shouts at her. Jessie is so drunk, she doesn’t even recognize Denny at first. And then, when she does, she just falls all over herself and disappoints Denny even more. She even reveals that she has drunk up all the money Denny gave her for a new flat.

Jessie: You always were nothing but bloody trouble. I never wanted you in the first place.

Denny: [crying] Please, stop it. Mum.

Jessie just stares at her, so Denny throws the flowers down and leaves. Ugh, this is too much melodrama! And yet not melodramatic enough, because I’m not giggling; I feel bad for Den.

Hearing voices — Shell continues to go crazy in her cell. She stares at herself in the mirror and calls herself a slut and a bimbo and all kinds of other terrible names. It’s sort of like a cross between a horror movie and a Lifetime movie, especially when Shell burns her own hand with her cigarette.

The comedy relief — The two Julies ask Crystal about Josh. They say he seems like a nice boy, and confirm for themselves that Crystal likes him. Then Julie S. reads Crystal’s tea leaves (after Crystal has gone — surely the Bible basher wouldn’t approve of such pagan rites). It’s serious business: Julie S. ends up taking the teacup back to her cell so she can really study the leaves. They end up asking Yvonne whether she can get them a candle.

Yvonne: Candle? Well, if you’re that desperate, I can think of something better.

So saucy! But no, the Julies aren’t trying to get their jollies. They have something else in mind.

A change of heart — Jim tells Karen he’s decided to drop the grievance procedure. He pretends to be contrite about all the “stupid things” he’s done lately. He sighs a lot and looks all sad and sincere.

Karen: Well, I have to admit, I’m impressed. Though I can’t say I’m surprised.

Jim: No?

Karen: Simon gave me a ring last night. Said you had a very pleasant game of golf.

You are so busted, Fenner!

Karen gets serious then, and tells him that the next time he steps out of line, she’ll be ready, and it won’t just be a suspension. Aw, yeah. You’re awesomely scary, Karen. You know, as opposed to awfully scary — that would be Shell.

Acting out — Denny is tearing up her cell. Yvonne finds her and intervenes.

Yvonne: Is that for the mattress, or your mum?

Denny briefly raises a hand to Yvonne, but thinks better of it when she sees Yvonne’s steely gaze. Then Yvonne picks up the mattress and encourages Denny to beat the hell out of it. So Denny does, and then she sobs and falls into Yvonne’s arms. It’s sorta hokey, but it’s also sorta great.

Yvonne gives Denny a little lesson in liking herself.

Denny: There ain’t nothin’ to like.

Yvonne: Well, I like you. And there’s no one forcing me, is there?

Denny: No.

Yvonne: Well, there. You must have something goin’ for you, then. ‘Cause I’m very choosy about the people I like.

Awww. I heart Yvonne.

The secret mission — What are those crazy Julies up to? Now Zandra has brought them some scissors. They’re working on “something blue” in the laundry room.

And then Josh is there with an “out of order” sign to keep people out, and Yvonne shows up with the candles. OK, they’re either going to burn the place down, or they’re staging a romantic dinner for Crystal and Josh. I really wish it were the former.

A blinding headache — In the four-bed dorm, Zandra’s in so much pain, she can barely see. She tells Denny that she’s not feeling well, but Denny assumes it’s the smack again. You know what they say about the girl who cried “headache,” Zandra.

Di swings by to tell Denny that her mum is there to see her — and she’s clean and sober. What? A redemption already? This episode isn’t just a Lifetime movie; it’s a super-condensed one.

Denny reluctantly takes a seat across from her mom, who has brought a nicotine-flavored peace offering. She apologizes and says she feels awful about what she said — half of which she doesn’t even remember.

Denny: You said I should piss off back to me cell.

Jessie: Well, it was just booze. And I swear, I’m never gonna touch another drop again.

She insist she’s in detox and that they’ll someday get a house and real jobs and have a happy life together. Denny is skeptical, but wants to believe. She takes a deep breath and says she’ll give Jessie a year.

Denny: If you’re still off the booze then, I’ll think about it. Until then, I don’t wanna hear from you.

She gets up and returns to her cell, saying, “Fingers crossed, eh?” as she goes. That’s some good, solid, tough love, Den. Well done.

The unveiling — Zandra pretends to be in a panic over a mishap with Crystal’s red top in the laundry room. Crystal rolls her eyes and goes to see what the trouble is. And it’s no trouble at all; rather, it’s a romantic dinner by candlelight. Josh could not be more excited, or more of a dork. Zandra and the two Julies serve as the waitstaff, serving up some grotesque-looking bangers and mash. I suppose it’s all very sweet, but it’s also rather soporific. I wake up a little when Josh goes in for a kiss and Crystal rebuffs him, but then it gets snoozy again as they hold hands and gaze into each other’s eyes.

Why can’t we get a Helen-Nikki scene like this?

Di almost interrupts, but she lets them have their fun for 20 more minutes. Thankfully, in Larkhall time, that translates to about two seconds.

The wing office — Karen has decided to hire a group therapist. She asks everyone to think of inmates who would benefit from group therapy sessions. Fenner is nervous about what Shell might say in such a session.

Fenner: It’s just that men are vulnerable in women’s prisons.

Oh, jeeeeeeeez.

Sylvia makes a snide comment, and Karen says that’s the last snide comment she can stomach from her. Karen tells them all she expects complete cooperation with the group therapy idea. I’m on board, Karen: Where do I sign up?

Thinking — Yvonne’s leaning against the wall, staring off into space. Fenner stops by and offers a penny for her thoughts.

Yvonne: Listen, Mr. Fenner. You could offer me a grand, and I still won’t tell you what goes on up here. [pointing to her head] It’s the only peace and privacy I get.

Fenner supposes she’s thinking about her husband, Charlie. She tells him to cut the “crap and the sympathy,” so Fenner finally makes his proposal: For just a few hundred, he’ll make sure Yvonne and Charlie get a private room the next time Charlie visits.

Yvonne: Do I detect the ever-so-faint whiff of corruption?

More like an overwhelming stench, you mean. Fenner says he’s had enough of trying to keep his nose clean. Yeah? Well, I’ve had enough of these Helen-and-Nikki-free episodes!

NEXT TIME ON BAD GIRLS: Nikki hears from Helen again; two new inmates arrive; the group therapy sessions start.

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