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“Work Out” Recaps: Episode 207

Inside the mind of Jackie Warner – Jackie’s alone in the gym working out. Using a half gym ball, flat side up, she’s honing her moneymaker – her body – with push-ups not meant for beginners, weaklings or me. Her mind is preoccupied with thoughts of the uptight, close-minded Mormon who used to tie her shoes and wipe her nose: her mother. You need only see them interact for five minutes to dismiss the myth that we all eventually become our mothers.

In a flashback from last season, Jackie and her mom rehash yet again why Mrs. Warner will never dance at Jackie’s wedding.

Jackie: I want to get married and at some point, I’m going to set up house with a woman … Mom: Why would you have a marriage? Jackie: Because I want that for myself. I want the same things… Mom: It’s not a real marriage. Jackie: What is “real marriage”? I don’t even know what “real marriage” is. Mom: It’s between a man and a woman. Jackie: No, that’s … Mom: That’s the way it’s been ordained by God.
I believe Jackie when she says she doesn’t know what real marriage is – too bad God has nothing to do with it. Anyway, Jackie will have no peace until she comes to some sort of resolution with her mother. Good luck, honey.

An offer he can’t refuse – Brian is working with his client, Floyd, and Rebecca is off to the side folding T-shirts when Jackie strolls out onto the gym floor. After she gives Floyd a friendly “what’s up?” she mentions to Brian she’s going out of town. Brian asks somewhat randomly if she’s going to New York. Jackie says, “I wish,” but no, she’s going home to Ohio for some good home cooking and a gay rights smack-down with mom.

When Jackie’s away, that place breaks down like a shotgun, so she always appoints a trainer as Boss for a Day. Last season, Erika was her right-hand woman because she’s such a rule domme and all-around goody-goody. This year, Jackie’s forgotten all about the schoolmarm who looks like Lara Croft and decides Peeler is her best choice.

Brian is understandably shocked when Jackie anoints him, not because he hasn’t earned it – except for the house party fight, Brian’s been eerily level-headed and professional lately – but because he was sure the rules of Jabecca were in play. And by the way, Jackie offered Brian the job right in front of Rebecca. Rebecca’s thinking WTF and OMG and other acronyms. Jackie casually scans the room as she rattles off the things she’ll need Brian to do. She pretends to spot Rebecca, who’s been standing right there the whole time, and says, fake as can be, “Hey, Rebecca.” Jackie said in her interview that she’s no actress, and she was right.

Rebecca: When she talked to Brian Peeler about taking over the gym while she was gone, mostly, I was confused. Like, what? Brian Peeler? I don’t think of great leadership when I think of him. I don’t know, maybe she’s just gone temporarily insane.

Jesse gets a dream client — After spending all his time with the sweet, chubby ladies of Skylab, Jesse finally gets a taste of man-candy with his new client, a male “model” named Gage Weston. Really? Gage? Not Chest Rockwell? Oh, how I love porn names. How about Brock Pounder? Or Stallion St. Johnson? Brute Manboulders? Let me know when you want me to stop because I could go on all day.

Gage is wearing a tank top that says “COLT” across his enormous pecs. For those of you who don’t know (and really, why would you?), Colt is a huge gay male porn company. Gage is one of their, um, biggest stars. Little Jesse can’t wait to get his sweaty girl-paws on Gage.

Gage tells Jesse he doesn’t “do” cardio. Jesse, who claims he’s never heard of Colt, wants to take Gage “out of his comfort zone” with some heart-pounding cardio. Doesn’t a guy who presents his genitals for the world to admire already have a pretty expansive comfort zone?

I have no idea why this side of beef is at Sky Sport, except for the publicity. Sky Sport is not that kind of gym. Gage says he has to take his shirt off to avoid the tan lines that would disrupt his lucrative career. The show has just sunk to a new low.

Jesse: Well, I’d hate to …
Gage peels off his COLT shirt. Jesse’s mouth stops working. (So that’s what it takes.)
Jesse: Far beyond me to …
Jesse gets so discombobulated by the sight of Gage’s chest, he has to avert his eyes before they fall out of his head.
Gage: You getting flustered? Jesse: You’re getting me flustered …
Gage is beyond ripped — even his ears have muscles. Jesse looks small and weak as he kneels over Gage to stretch his leg muscles. Gage is on his back, legs akimbo, ready for his rectal exam. Gage is amused in a jaded sort of way. He casually asks Jesse, who’s completely lost his game face, if he’d like to have coffee later. The last thing Jesse needs is another jolt to the heart, but he’s not going to pass this up. Jesse wants to know if Gage has any pictures of himself to share. Gage does happen to have pictures. Of course he does.

Meanwhile, back in Lesbianville — Jabecca are in Jackie’s office talking about Brian’s new responsibilities. Rebecca’s a little nonplussed she wasn’t chosen. Is Brian qualified to run anything other than his mouth? Does sleeping with the boss not have its privileges? If I were her, I’d be happy to not be in charge. Who wants to oversee a bunch of babies and egomaniacs except Hollywood agents and NBA coaches?

But for once, Jackie doesn’t want anyone to think she’s playing favorites. The last time, when she left Erika in charge, nobody picked up their stanky towels, Jesse mocked Jackie behind her back, and Zen brought her dog to work — and he let everyone know what he thought of Sky Sport & Spa by leaving a steaming pile of poo on the deck.

Rebecca takes Jackie’s hands from across the desk, assures her there will be no trouble from her, says sweetly she’ll miss her, and delivers a quick kiss before trotting off to train her next client. I miss Mimi.

Don’t ask — Jesse and Gage go to a small cafĂ© around the corner from the gym. They both order fruit salads and look at Gage’s pictures. Jesse starts to flip through the pile, but they’re not the triple-X beefcake Jesse was hoping for.

The pictures are of Gage’s tour as a marine in Iraq. Jesse’s still slowly pondering a career trajectory from U.S. marine to Colt Studios star while Gage describes his time as a gay marine. He was on a board that investigated homosexual conduct but also had a boyfriend. He knew a man who earned a Purple Heart but was booted for being gay.

Jesse is clueless about gays in the military, because frankly, joining up is not something he’d ever want to do. Jesse’s not into anything unless it’s hedonistic or makes him look good. He can’t even take orders from Jackie.

My city was gone — Jackie and her friend Erin are on their way to visit Jackie’s mom in Jackie’s hometown, Fairborn, Ohio. Riding in a town car from the airport, they watch the strip malls, crooked telephone poles and clapboard houses roll past them under an overcast winter sky. Ohio: home of markswoman Annie Oakley, feminist Gloria Steinem, actress Dorothy Dandridge, musician Chrissie Hynde, writer Toni Morrison and, er, Jackie Warner.

Jackie: This time, I’m actually here to get some work done — some emotional work done with her. Usually, I come simply out of obligation over a holiday. And you know, something comes over an adult when they go to their hometown. Erin: Well, you probably feel nostalgic and then get kinda sad. Jackie: It’s not nostalgic. You know what happens? You revert right back to childhood. When you’re surrounded with … especially in a tiny town like this, I’m surrounded by ghosts.
They drive down the main street, past stores called Yankee Peddler, The Daisy Barrel (thousands of cross-stitch books to choose from!) and something that might have been a little bakery. Middle America. There are no nostril-waxing salons here.

You can go home again, as long as you don’t sleep over — It’s dusk when they pull up to Jackie’s childhood home. It’s a simple two-story house on a quiet street with a yellowing patch of lawn. The front porch is bathed in an inviting, warm glow. Jackie looks pale.

Karen, Jackie’s mom, opens the door, and Jackie and Erin take a few steps inside. The awkward shifting around and nervous laughter in the front hallway is broken when Erin introduces herself to Jackie’s stepfather who, until this minute, I didn’t know existed. The three women sit around the kitchen table while Mr. Invisible putters around as far out of camera range as he can get.

Jackie tells Erin about her idyllic girlhood days: riding bikes all summer long, going for ice cream at an actual ice cream parlor, feeling safe — and wasn’t it all so quaint? Erin offers yes, and then you turn 17, and then what? Karen looks insulted for a fleeting moment.

The inevitable baby pictures — A trip home with a friend in tow wouldn’t be complete without mom whipping out your baby pictures, now would it?

Karen: There’s nothing like having a daughter. And your daughter can be your best friend, and also just one of the loves of your life. Just in the past few years, for some reason, things began to deteriorate … I’m somebody that has a child who’s gay — who loves their child very much but just is really struggling with dealing with it.
Erin holds a black-and-white photo of teen Jackie standing with a bunch of other girls. She looks like Kristy McNichol, which Erin points out right away. Jackie’s hair is poofy and funny, and I think she’s wearing a string of pearls. Mortifying.

The next shot is Jackie at 20-something, looking very different now. The pearls are gone, replaced by a thick silver chain. Her hair is scruffier, and she’s staring impassively at the camera, holding her deranged Chihuahua, Pichu, when he/she/it was a puppy. Jackie looks like Courtney Love’s butcher, marginally cleaner, baby sister. That’s about as far down Memory Lane as Jackie can stand to go, so she and Erin get up to leave for their hotel. Karen looks up at Jackie with her cocker spaniel eyes and says, “I thought you said you were staying here.” Gah. Mom-guilt. They can’t help it. It’s in the job description.

Back at the ranch — Brian is looking for a blond wig so that he can embody the very essence of Jackie during his tenure. He’s lurking around the other trainers. Rebecca, because she’s under Jackie’s weird thrall, thinks it’s a brilliant Warner strategy: Putting the problem child in charge makes him rise to the occasion. Really? Then why isn’t Jesse in charge?

Fast times at Fairborn High — Jackie and Erin return to Karen’s house the next morning for breakfast. Over berries and that white vomit some people call cottage cheese, Jackie mentions that her former teacher has invited her to speak to the kids at her old high school. Erin wants to know if she’s nervous, but Jackie’s not afraid to wing it and answer questions such as, “Do you know Justin Timberlake?” She wants her mom to come with them, so they all pile into the family minivan, and off to school they go.

As they’re pulling into the parking lot of Fairborn High School, Jackie’s blasĂ© attitude vanishes like a senior’s resolve on prom night. She doesn’t let fear rule her life, she says, but a mild panic attack isn’t out of the question. Fond memories come rushing back to Jackie: pretending to be straight so as to protect her popularity, sporting that ’80s hair, getting suspended. Good times.

Her old teacher, Barbara, whips out Jackie’s transcripts. Jackie was sure she was an honor roll student, but the paper doesn’t lie — it’s full of C’s and D’s and a few F’s. She did get a B in gym, so there’s your proof she had one innate talent, sort of. Jackie’s real skill is blowing smoke — she decides her new theme is “You, too, can be a failure in school and still make a butt load of money and date hot chicks.”

Brian makes a call — Brian misses Doug more than anyone. His mentor, friend and brother Doug is still in the hospital. Everyone keeps saying he’s getting better and getting out any day now, but it hasn’t happened. Doug is still refusing all visitors; he doesn’t want anyone to see him looking sickly. Brian calls him to check in.

Doug: I’m pretty much trashed. I look just trashy … I mean really bad. And I have a hard time talking. Brian: ‘Kay, well as far as your body goes, your muscle goes, don’t worry about that, ’cause I can help you rebuild all that and get you back … Doug: [coughing] Brian: … get you back strong again. Doug: Dude, I’ve just got some certain things that are important in my life, like my body. Just, you know, not focusing on like how big it is or anything like that. Just getting it, you know … Brian: … healthy. Doug: … back into my normal mode. But in two or three days, I’ll be out.
Brian says, “I love you,” hangs up and lets out a heavy sigh.

Jackie’s speech — Instead of a class of 25, Jackie learns she was tricked and it’s going to be more like 150 students enjoying her pearls of wisdom. As America ‘s future lawmakers, waitresses and car salesmen file in and take their seats in the bleachers, Karen gives some pointers on public speaking, because she’s such an expert. Jackie starts to wonder if anyone has even seen Work Out.

Standing in the middle of the gym floor, Barbara takes the mic and announces Jackie as the star of that “hit reality show.” Jackie has been on a red carpet or two, had the press jostle each other to take her picture and received thousands of fan letters, but nothing compares to returning home as the conquering hero with her own TV show and the coolest hair in town.

Jackie grabs the mic and tells the kids how much fun she had there at Fairborn High — so much so, she was a D student. The good news is that this is America , and you have endless opportunities to redeem yourself.

Jackie: When you get to it, no matter what you do in junior high and high school, you always have several chances to make up for it and reinvent yourself. And that’s the biggest message I try to give … that life is about reinvention, and it’s never over until it’s over.
If you’re good at it, like Jackie is, you can reinvent yourself until you believe your own hype and think you were on the honor roll. The lesson here: D students can still go far. All the way to the White House.

During the question-and-answer period, the kids want to know things like how she decided to do what she does. Um, because NASA was full? One girl asks if it was scary leaving Fairborn and going out on her own. Not as scary as working at the Daisy Barrel for 15 years.

Jackie says she was scared, but she didn’t let it stop her from taking off for Los Angeles at 18. And if she can do it, seriously, anybody can.

Afterward, a gaggle of kids stand in line waiting for Jackie’s autograph, because she’s what passes for celebrity these days. As she takes time to talk to each kid, Karen takes pictures with her camera. The local press is also there to interview their native daughter. It really is a big day at Fairborn High School.

Karen: It was just incredible for me to see my daughter … with a horde of students behind her, waiting in line for autographs. It was just something else. I’ll never forget it.
Jackie’s mom is sometimes so busy poo-pooing the gay “lifestyle,” she forgets to be proud of Jackie. Today is an eye-opener for her. Jackie and her mom hug afterward. Karen tells Erin how she’s “always been proud of [Jackie’s] many accomplishments.” Too bad the whole lesbian thing makes it impossible to brag about her to the ladies at the Clip N Save.

What I want to know is: Where is Jackie’s first girlfriend? Jackie told Rebecca her first girl experience was at the tender age of 13. That woman still lives in Fairborn, I can feel it.

Zen’s new boy toy — Zen has a new boyfriend named Jason. He’s blandly cute, tall and friendly, and Gregg hates him immediately. He gets all twitchy and weird, even though he only dated Zen for a couple of months and seriously, who cares?

Jackie’s next hurdle — Jackie came home to accomplish a few things: speak to America ‘s youth about how to flunk almost every class and still grow up to be groovalicious, form a lasting truce with her mother, and visit her father’s grave, which she’s never done. Who decided this show needed some sobriety? I need Rebecca flown into town, stat.

It’s morning, and Jackie and Erin are sitting around their hotel room in their pj’s, sipping coffee. Jackie’s morning voice is all husky and Kathleen Turner. Erin listens quietly as Jackie talks about her dad’s suicide when she was 18.

Jackie: I was here visiting when he shot himself. I was just here, like, for Christmas break or something. It’s complicated because my father was mentally ill. So, the relationship was complex because I wanted a relationship, but there was shame involved because … I almost didn’t want his mental illness to rub off on me.
Jackie tells us that for years, she pretended her dad never existed. She completely checked out on her feelings and never grieved. At 39 years old, she’s finally ready to face the realities of her family tragedy.

Other kinds of self-improvement — Back to L.A. Brian’s running a Skylab group session. He keeps it light and fun, because giddy with power and an endorsement from Jackie, Brian’s walking on air. Meaghan uses her time wisely — she’s feeling the burn. Lazy-ass Kiki makes a rare appearance, but would rather dawdle around going to the bathroom and jogging in slow motion than do anything that’s going to give her a single muscle. Half-assery doesn’t cut it in Peelerville, but it will, apparently, earn you a “B” in gym at Fairborn High. Kiki takes a swig from her water bottle because, phew, that bathroom is waaaay on the other side of the room.

At the cemetery — Jackie and her mom take a drive out to the military cemetery where her dad is buried. As they walk past row after perfect row of uniform white marble headstones, Jackie holds her mom’s arm with one hand, and in the other, a small bouquet of flowers. They arrive at her father’s grave. The headstone reads, “Vincent B, Cpl, US Marine Corp, Vietnam.”

Jackie: So this is what I missed. [laughs self-consciously] Karen: Actually, it was a military funeral. It was really nice … the American Legion came — the little old men that came and did the flag-folding and placed it on the coffin and everything, and someone played “Taps.” He was a casualty of war. He was a casualty of Vietnam. Jackie: Well, I think it’s nice that you come out to visit him. Karen: I do. He’s out here all alone now. There’s nobody else to come and visit him. Jackie: I hope that’s not the case when I go. Karen: I’ll come visit you. I plan on still being alive.
Jackie laughs. Karen has a dark sense of humor that Jackie didn’t know she had. Maybe they do have more in common than Jackie realizes?

Karen mentions she took a class recently where she learned stressful pregnancies cause “horrible hormonal changes” that can cause homosexual babies. Maybe that’s what happened? OK, they have nothing in common. And Vincent just rolled over.

With her next breath, Karen says sincerely: “He was crazy about you. He was. Why wouldn’t he be?” Mothers can be complicated, confusing creatures.

Jackie looks into her mother’s eyes and those years of numbness fall away — Jackie starts to cry. Her mother holds her and whispers, “He was a good man.” Jackie wipes her nose on her sleeve.

Jackie: Thank you for bringing me. Karen: Your daddy was a good man. He loved you. Jackie: I know. Karen: Every time I see you, I see him. Every time.
Good-bye — It snowed overnight: The yard is covered with a fresh blanket of white. Karen and Jackie sit awhile in the living room before Jackie has to leave for the airport. Karen tells her daughter she was out all night, driving around, looking for a newspaper. Finally, she found one, hot off the press, with Jackie right there on the front page.

“Celebrity Returns to Alma Mater,” the headline blares. Jackie stares at the front page and says, “Wow.” Karen is beaming with pride. She offers the paper to Jackie to bring home with her. Go on, take it, she has 50 more copies.

Jackie lugs her carry-on across the snow toward the waiting town car. Karen stands on the porch steps with a blanket over her shoulders like a shawl. She bids her a safe flight and smiles before turning and going back inside. Crazy, small-minded, religious nuts are people, too.

The call — The gym is empty and quiet. Brian is alone in Jackie’s office with the lights off, on the phone. He listens for several moments and hangs up without saying a word. He calls everyone into Jackie’s office. Zen and the others wander in, sit down and wait for another Skylab meeting to begin.

The trainers are chattering as usual until Zen sees that Brian has tears in his eyes. The room goes still as Brian tries to speak but starts to cry instead. Alarm and dread grow on the trainers’ faces with each passing, silent second. Finally, Brian manages to utter some words.

Brian: Doug is really sick, guys. Rebecca and the others: What happened? Brian: He fell back and he, uh, got another infection again. Nothing’s coming around. He’s in ICU again. He’s really, really bad.
Erika looks stunned. Jesse stares at the desk.
Brian: And they said in the next 24 hours, we’ll know whether we’re going to lose him or he’s going to … or he’s going to be with us. [voice cracking] He’s really that sick.
Brian holds his head in his hands and sobs, “He’s like a brother to me. I don’t want to lose him …” Her face twisted up, Erika starts to cry, too.

Sitting on a cabinet with her legs pulled up to her chest, Rebecca offers hopefully, “Doug is strong. He pulled out of it before …” A tear rolls down her cheek.

Brian says Doug’s kidneys have given out again. He wants desperately to take on some of Doug’s sickness himself, fight for him, but he can’t. All he can do is sit and cry, “Why does it have to happen to somebody so good?” Fade up on Doug blowing out his birthday candles, the ones he told Cheo he wanted to be his last — he had already outlived everyone in his family. The candles fade to black.

The screen reads, “Doug Blasdell. December 14, 1962 – January 22, 2007.”

Next Week on Work Out: It’s the season finale. The Skylabbers graduate. Jackie and her trainers pay tribute to Doug.

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