Archive

“Work Out” Recaps: Episode 206

Still at the retreat – At Skylab’s version of Overeaters Not-So-Anonymous, typical food topics have given way to more personal revelations. Laurie stunned the room last week when she welled up and revealed her father’s suicide. Jackie floored everyone, including herself, when she revealed that her dad did the same thing.

Jackie: My father came back from Vietnam mentally ill. He was a casualty of that war. Gregg: It’s very hard to be able to really let that guard down. I just want you guys to know that I respect you guys … the hell out of you guys. You guys are incredible. [to Laurie] Hearing what you were saying about your father, you know, it’s shocking. Laurie: It’s not really something that I talk about or tell people, but he killed my stepmom and then killed himself.
I doubt this is what the eating-disorder therapist signed up for. All her pearls about childhood and body image went right out the window with that last statement. She sits mute and slack-jawed like the others.

Breaking the silence, Rita tells a tearful Laurie that she’s beautiful and worthy of love. When Jackie looks around the room, she says she sees survivors, not victims. Rebecca feels the empathy growing and says the clients now know “that they don’t have to do this alone.” The therapist smiles encouragingly and says to take good care and honor the healing that has taken place here today. Everyone hugs, and they finish the session on a cathartic note.

It’s hard to recap (read: mock) this show when no one’s calling anyone a beeyotch or throwing things at someone’s head. Jesse didn’t chime in to express his odd jealousies toward Rebecca because even though he’s a self-absorbed drama queen, he knows “my dad killed my stepmom” takes the wind out of his my-best-friend-is-doing-a-slut sails.

Delayed reaction – Back in L.A., it’s business as usual, with a new warm-and-fuzzy feeling. Jesse is starting to regret the nasty things he said to Rebecca and the puerile way he’s been acting about Jabecca. He says he has two sides: glib, quippy best-girlfriend Jesse, and big-mouthy, pain-in-the-ass Jesse.

Good Jesse decides it’s time to bury the hatchet, and not in Rebecca’s skull this time. He finds her out on the deck and sits down next to her.

Jesse: I wanted to apologize for my behavior this weekend. I’ve been going through a lot of stuff in my personal life lately. … Jackie’s just one of the only people that I consider family and so … I’ve been really trying to hold on tight to her and not really wanting to share. … Your relationship with Jackie is really none of my business … and you make her happy. She deserves a little joy in her life, as do you. And I hope that you can forgive me and we can move past it. And I promise never, ever to … Rebecca: [laughs heartily] Jesse: … attack you again. Rebecca: Well, I know that it takes a big person to admit that, and I do appreciate you coming to me and apologizing. Thank you. Hug it out.
They hug. It’s the episode where everyone hugs.

Aren’t you Angelina Jolie? — Jackie’s in her office when a guy named Dan from a celebrity look-alike modeling agency calls. His crackerjack staff has gotten wind that someone at Sky Sport looks like Angelina Jolie. Season 1 aired in July of 2006. It only took him six months to find her. He wants to know if Jackie is the ringer for Angelina. Dan doesn’t watch much Bravo.

While Jackie explains that the one Dan seeks is named Erika, I can’t help but notice there’s an 8-by-10 Jackie Warner publicity photo lying on her desk, staring back at her. The love affair never dies.

Jesse passes by her door, and Jackie motions excitedly to him to come in. She tells Jesse a celebrity look-alike agent might want to hire Erika. “Hire her for what?” Jesse wants to know. Heh, good question. There’s probably big biz in look-alike hookers. I’d call up for an Angelin-alike myself, but she scares me a little.

Jesse: We should have, like, a bunch of kids around Erika when he walks in … different babies of all different ethnicities. Jackie: [laughing] Jesse: You look like Scarlett Johansson’s older sister … Jackie: I’ve heard that a lot. Jesse: … or her bodyguard.
Looks like Frick and Frack have made peace and are back to their old selves.

The story of Meaghan — Erika’s Skylab client, Meaghan, has not been as “present” as Erika would like her to be. Meaghan writes for the gossip rag Star magazine. Her grinding workload of writing captions for photos of Tobey Maguire leaving rehab and editing stories about Jennifer Aniston’s secret baby from Mars has prevented her from keeping to her workout schedule.

On top of that, Meaghan hurt her knee, probably while stealing Paris Hilton’s garbage. (Empty vodka bottles and unread books, in case you were wondering.)

Naggy Erika warns Meaghan that this is not about aesthetics anymore; it’s about her health. How can you chase down fleeing celebs with a limp? Well, ya can’t. Meaghan listens impassively. She’s not into getting scolded today. Unconvincingly, she claims she’s frustrated too. Her mouth says, “Yes, you’re absolutely right,” but the look on her mug says, “Shut the hell up, Erika, or I’m gonna pop you.” Hey, it’s your money.

Meaghan walks robotically on the treadmill and tells Erika she has job pressures. She starts to cry. It’s the episode where everyone cries.

Her voice quivering, Meaghan explains about her long workdays and nights. It must be sheer hell to have to stay up all night writing. Gee, I wonder what that’s like? Wimp. I love recapping. I just wish I could type faster than a chimp.

Jackie’s vision — Last season, Jackie announced with great fanfare that she was launching a sports clothing line that matched her edgy, sexy, no-spandex-allowed tastes. This season, she’s making it a reality with a young clothing designer named April Han. April comes to see Jackie at the gym. She splays her latest design sketches on the desk. They’re music-video cool — low-slung workout pants, micro miniskirts and dominatrixy bras. Here’s another selling point: Clients will be able to do their workouts and head straight to the S/M club afterward without changing.

Jackie has also tapped a puffy, shifty New York textile guy named Steve to manufacture her line. Last season, she showed him the sexy girl graphics she favors, and he was on board like Rosie on an R Family cruise.

Jackie tells April she wants three colors: black, gray, silver and cerulean. That’s four colors, Einstein. But what do I know? Cerulean sounds like a planet on Battlestar Galactica. What happened to good old blue, anyway? When did white become “linen” and orange become “pumpkin”? In the ’80s, I thought cyan was a girl’s name.

 

Erika, interrupted — Erika is brought into Jackie’s office. Jackie’s wearing Nancy Sinatra-style white go-go boots and a red satin jacket with zebra-striped cuffs and a hood. This is the style maven who’s launching her own clothing line? I’m just saying.

Erika is given the news that a celebrity look-alike agent called for her. Erika wants to know why. Why? Because he wants to know if you’ve seen the Olsen Twins lately. I swear.

Jesse is also there, because God forbid he misses anything. He jokes they want her because she looks like BeyoncĂ©. When Jackie says it’s Angelina Jolie, Erika guffaws and claims she has no earthly idea why they’d think such a thing. Yeah, OK.

Jackie says they want to take some test photos, and if they like what they see, they’ll be pimping her out to anyone who can’t afford the real deal. Erika is excited in her own low-level way. Erika has two settings: bored and comatose.

Wardrobe malfunction- Jackie gets a delivery from Steve at the gym….

Jackie: Oh Steve… oh Steve. And I’m supposed to bring this to a retailer. Aleeza: Oh no. What are you going to do? Jackie: Do you know why I get very tired and grumpy sometimes?
Uh, because you haven’t had a banana split in ten years?
Jackie: Because if I don’t do everything myself, it doesn’t get done properly. Aleeza: Mmm. Jackie: And that becomes quite a burden, because I can’t rely on anybody but myself. And I’m going to blow somebody’s brains out.
Steve, man, you better run.

Jackie closes the box and sits there staring at it, quietly freaking out inside. She bites her nails and listens to her stomach churn.

Jesse and Rebecca wander by and ask what’s the commotion? Rebecca wants to see what’s in Jackie’s box. Heh. Jackie shows her (again) and Rebecca makes a face like something smells (again). They agree that Jackie’s clothing line has gone from “so cute” to “so wrong,” all because of Steve. As if on cue, the phone rings, and it’s an executive named Elise from the Indianapolis retail chain, Paiva. (It’s a well-kept secret that Indianapolis is the Milan of the Midwest.) Jackie resorts to doing what she does best: B.S. her way through it.

Jackie: I’m so excited to come meet with you! Elise: We are really excited to have you visit. Our buyers are excited to look at the line and meet you and your partner. Jackie: Yup [laughs], looking forward to it. We’re flying on the plane tomorrow, so it’s going to be interesting; it’s going to be fun. We’re going full-force with it, and I think it’s going to be a really special line. Elise: Yeah, great. Well, we are excited to take a look, and we will see you on Thursday morning when you get here. Jackie: I’ll see you there, honey.
Does anyone here know how to sew?

No pain, no gain — Meaghan returns to the gym with a less crappy attitude than last time. She’s not even that heavy, by American standards. Then again, our standards aren’t what they should be. You can have our chips when you pry them from our cold, dead, chubby hands with no distinguishable knuckles. Meanwhile, Brian is working with Floyd. Floyd’s seeing spots, so you know he’s either getting the workout of his life or he’s about to go toward the light. Brian reminds him it’s called a workout, not “an easy-out.” When Floyd can no longer speak, Brian decides they’re done for the day. Comedian Carol Leifer used to have a joke about fitness: “No pain, no pain.”

The night before — Rebecca is at Jackie’s house, watching her pack for her business trip. Jackie never called Steve to ream him out about the hideous samples. Now the meeting is tomorrow, and the queen of confrontation avoidance doesn’t know what she’s going to do when she sees him. She’s so take-no-prisoners about her gym and dating women that it’s odd she can’t just call this guy and say, “You’re dead to me.” Rebecca assures her she’ll do fine. She rummages through Jackie’s carry-on to see if she’s packed her good underwear and asks what’s the latest news on Doug? Doug hasn’t allowed any visitors, and everyone’s in the dark about his condition.

Jackie: I’m worried because it’s been a while now, and I don’t know exactly how serious it’s been, or how serious he is. So, do me a favor and just keep me posted. Rebecca: I know. Jackie: You’re going to hear things before I do, being around the gym. Rebecca: I’ll be in contact and let you know what I hear and what goes on. Jackie: Please do. I’m very, very worried about it.
Ugh. Let’s move on.

Erika’s shoot — Erika goes to meet Dan, Dan the Look-alike Man at a photo studio. The makeup guy takes one look at her and immediately wants to redo her eyebrows. Erika tries to pay attention because she’s about as makeup savvy as she is animated.

How can a pretty girl go her whole life and never learn how to use makeup? Isn’t that one of the first things femmey girls learn, right after how to drive us slowly insane with their head games?

Dan has a surprise in store for Erika. A tall, blond guy walks into the studio. As he comes closer, he starts to bear a small resemblance to Brad Pitt. Sort of. He doesn’t really look like Brad; not as much as Erika looks like Angelina, anyway. Erika knows cheese when she smells it, but she’s having her moment in the sun, so who cares?

Zen also shows up to hang out and lend her support. Nobody really works on this show, do they? People just do yoga, get their pictures taken, and get their nose hairs waxed all day long. With her makeup did, all Erika has to do is squeeze her boobs together to create cleavage and presto, she’s Angelina. Zen looks on approvingly.

Erika: The pressure of having to look like someone … it’s really hard. And especially when so many people love to criticize and like, “Oh, God. She looks nothing like her.” And knowing that people think that way? I’m like, “Oh my God …”
Hello? You naturally look like Angelina Jolie. That’s all there is to it. I don’t think keeping your face attached to your head involves a great degree of difficulty. It’s right up there with sloughing off skin cells and breathing.

Despite her odd personality quirks and interesting definition of “pressure,” Erika looks effortlessly hot. Ersatz Brad picks her up in his arms, and the photographer begins snapping away.

The shots aren’t working for me, though. Erika has a small smirk on her face the entire time, and the real Angelina has no use for such self-satisfied affectations — not when there are so many bloated-belly children with flies in their eyes to adopt.

The empress has no clothes — In Indianapolis, Jackie prepares to dance as fast as she can. She’s brought her BFF, Erin, whom we rarely see because she’s not sleeping with Jackie, drama-prone or angling to get on TV. What’s wrong with her?

For her big meeting, Jackie dons a funny pinstripe men’s suit and her best Milton Berle necktie. All she needs are some giant shoes, a red nose and a seltzer bottle, and she’s all set.

Erin and Jackie are staying at a saccharine little bed-and-breakfast. I hate bed-and-breakfast inns. I don’t want to eat scones with a bunch of strangers and listen to the owner talk about the history of their stupid house.

The last time I stayed in a swanky B & B, my then-girlfriend and I went down for breakfast our first morning there. There were two other women already seated at the communal table. I sat down, looked up to grudgingly say, “good morning,” and guess what? One woman had a full mustache. And her friend had 10 teeth, if she had any. God knows I love a good freak show, but not before my morning coffee.

Jackie has a list of problems she has to contend with. She has nothing to show the Paiva buyers. She can’t give them a manufacturing date because she’s about to castrate Steve. She needs to explain herself, but she can’t think of a single thing she can tell them.

Erin reminds Jackie that she knows how to put a good spin on things, and it’s all good. Jackie’s unable to eat her oatmeal.

In other fashion news — Meaghan may not have lost a ton of weight, but it’s too late now. Meaghan wasn’t around much; all Erika could carve off her was seven pounds. Those are respectable results for one month’s work, but the way Jackie hypes Skylab, you start to have unrealistic expectations. Not unlike this season’s Lost. Meaghan goes for her fitting for an Oscar night dress designed by her friend Nick Verreos, last seen on Project Runway 2. She tries on a bunch of dresses while Nick and Erika ooh and ahh. Meaghan’s a writer; she’s not expected to look anything but rumpled and tired. Erika’s proud, anyway.

It’s a disaster — Jackie seethes and waits in the sitting room of the B & B for Steve to arrive. When Steve waddles in, she can barely contain her anger, but she gives him a pleasant hello and a kiss on his doughy cheek. Ew. Why are women expected to do that, even in business? Why can’t we just shake hands like the men do and leave it at that?

Steve pulls a fugly pair of shapeless, black stretch pants with a denim waistband (yeah, you read that right) out of the box.

Jackie: Like, what the heck, Steve. C’mon. That’s not even anywhere close to the cut and the fabric or anything. I know that we’re up against a time crunch, but I can’t show these samples …
Steve’s beady eyes peer out at Jackie from under his caterpillar brows.
Steve: You know, your … your taste is great, and wha — what you want is great, and what you want to wear is great. But you also gotta — got — gotta have a mindset, a retail mindset.
Steve keeps squirming, but he can’t put lipstick on this pig. He tells Jackie she has to appeal to the unwashed masses, because what do we know? We all buy our underwear at the grocery store.
Steve: If you really want to be in retail, and if you really want to do it, ya gotta be the masses. Jackie: I can’t sell anything that I wouldn’t wear myself. And there’s not one piece in there that I would wear. Not one.
I think Steve is the one responsible for tube socks.

At the meeting, our gifted spin doctor, master of the hyperbole and the lesbian Tom Cruise, Jackie Warner, looks uncharacteristically small standing with the group. Miss Thang doesn’t know what to say to a bunch of mall executives from Indiana. I almost feel bad for her. After a few false starts, she explains her concept of gym wear-to-street wear to the group. I thought we already had apparel like that. It’s called the T-shirt. But no, she has a revolutionary idea.

Jackie: I looked all around, at all the stores, and I couldn’t find anything that worked for me. That I could go to lunch, straight from the gym, or even go have a cocktail, straight from the gym.
If she’s going straight from the gym to lunch without showering and changing, what she really needs to invent is a stronger deodorant.

One of the Paiva guys says their customers are, indeed, clamoring for clothes they can wear from the gym to other places. But not to cocktails at East/West, Ms. L.A. They want to go to the dry cleaners and to pick up their kids. Like I said: T-shirts.

With nothing to show them and Steve being a useless slug, Jackie offers up the only thing she has on hand: herself. She masterfully pitches that she would eagerly promote her rock ‘n’ roll clothing line by making appearances at store openings. The row of Paiva faces in front of her starts to smile and nod. Jackie pulls another one out of her ass.

At Dr. Shirley’s — Jackie goes in for a much-needed session with Dr. Shirley. She reports she’s had a lot of alone time, so she can find her place in this crazy, wacky world. She talks about her uptight Mormon mother and how she wants to have her in her life anyway. Jackie thinks it’s time to go home to Ohio.

Maybe it was the group session at Lake Arrowhead that got her thinking about her dad, but she tells Dr. Shirley that she was home visiting the day he shot himself. She shows no anger about it; he was so tortured by schizophrenia, possibly triggered by his tour in Vietnam, it was his relief. Dr. Shirley scribbles copious notes on her notepad.

Jackie says she plans to visit her dad’s grave and bond with her mom in the process.

Dr. Shirley: What if it doesn’t happen? Jackie: It will happen. Dr. Shirley: What if it doesn’t happen? Jackie: [silence]
Jackie imagines she can make things happen through sheer will. If only.

Next week on Work Out: Jesse has a new client. Jackie goes home. The gang gets news that no one wants to hear.

Lesbian Apparel and Accessories Gay All Day sweatshirt -- AE exclusive

Related Articles

Leave a Reply

Back to top button