Previously on Pretty Little Liars, Mona left the A-Team to join the P-Team, and I mean that in every way you think I do. Paige took Emily’s Nightmare Express declaration to heart and began planning a U-Haul life for them as far away from Rosewood as the borders of the continental United States will allow. Spencer permitted herself exactly 24 hours of romantic bliss with Toby before popping open a casket and robbing a dead body. Hanna wore a real bad wig. And Aria had a waking fever dream that made her realize Ezra wouldn’t last ten minutes in the clink, so she broke up with him for good for today. Oh, and as soon as her spirit was reunited with her body, Ali cloned five children that look like five Liars and then gave the Liar clones Liar dolls to play with.
Rear Window Brew. After Wilden’s funeral the Liars popped some Adderall, I guess, because all four of them are about to crawl right out of their skin — the better for Mona to make the skin suits she’s been jonesing for? — as they debrief the latest chapter in their collective biography, My Life is a Teenage Shitshow. Where’s Melissa? (D.C.) Who was the lady in the black veil at the funeral? (Who knows?) Did Ali really rise from the grave, fly a plane around Rosewood all day, parachute out of it while also staying behind to pilot it, and rescue the Liars from a fire that she herself set with her mind? (Yes, duh.) While they’re bitching at each other about how Ali is definitely not alive but also is totally alive, Spencer constructs an architectural model of the lodge and its surrounding airfield with baby carrots and cherry tomatoes and french fries and mozzarella sticks.
Mona shows up late for the debrief and everyone hops up from the table and crosses their arms and stares at her with accusation and contempt in their eyes. She’s like, “Fine, whatever, let’s just drive the hell out into the Forbidden Forest and you can rifle through the shit in my mobile lair again.” Her incredulity is amazing. Like, How many times are you going to have to look through all the weapons I used to murder you these the past three years before you accept the fact that I’m not going to murder you anymore? God.
Spencer gets an eyebrow boner when Mona offers up her lair again.
Out in the woods, the lair has gone missing, of course, because Toby stole it and sobbed all the way down the highway in it last week as he drove to meet A. Hanna and Spencer bounce in a righteously indignant huff, but Aria and Emily stay behind to watch Mona get strangled by Red Coat. Mona dives out of her car and then Red Coat tries to run them all under, but Emily pulls everyone to safety, using her own body as a cushion to keep her pocket-sized pals from getting concussed.
So, just to recap the recap, before the theme song even plays: Four friends explore the possibility that their omniscient torturer is actually a zombie while one best friend makes a physical matrix out of a salad and then they take a midnight drive into the woods to root around in a RV covered in photos of their zombie friend’s face with the eyeballs poked out and then either their zombie friend or someone wearing a mask that looks like the face of their zombie friend or their zombie friend wearing a mask of her own zombie face tries to gun them down with a stolen car.
If you’re not watching this show, I guess your soul is kind of lame?