A munitions depository – Someone in what looks like a cross between a golf cart and a tank is approaching a restricted area in a munitions depository. A couple of military guys order the driver to halt, and when he doesn’t, they fire a bunch of rounds at him. But he doesn’t stop, and I’m wondering if it’s because those firearms look and sound like cap guns more than anything actually deadly.
The driver does a doughnut before leaping from his four-wheeler and making a run for it. The military guys shoot him in the back, but he still manages to scramble away from them. Cut to his leather jacket-clad body sprawled on the asphalt. But wait, he’s alive! He suddenly sits up all undead-like and looks around wildly. When the military guys come to collect his body, he’s nowhere to be found.
Sweet Jane – Cut to our own Painkiller Jane Vasco rounding a street corner in slow motion, looking like a badass in her leather jacket. She casually walks past someone wearing a gas mask. Cue voiceover and muddled childhood flashback.
Vasco V.O.: I’m not convinced that we’re brought up to handle life’s difficulties. Mostly, we’re taught to distract ourselves. I barely saw my father while my mother was alive. After she died, there came the endless trips to the movies, sporting events, distractions. You’d always be given something good to deal with something bad. Like going to the doctor. Every time I received an injection, I’d leave with a balloon. I can’t remember when all of that stopped. And today, I felt I wasn’t going to be given a balloon.Will she at least be given a gas mask? I worry about her! Jane slips through a door in a nondescript city building.
Geek Squad Super Secret Headquarters – Dr. McDorky hovers over a big computer screen while explaining some scientific mumbo jumbo to Jane. She is nodding her head as if she knows what the hell he’s talking about, and gradually her head nod turns into a slow neck roll, then a full on body wiggle. She’s practically writhing in her seat when she begins speculating about his McLoveskills.
Vasco V.O.: I wonder if this is how he talks to his dates. Maybe he should try Latin. At least Latin might sound romantic.Um, not as I remember it from my sixth-grade vocab class. Besides, even if he gave her his Pollyanna prognosis in Latin, it would just sound like this: “Aegroto, dum anima est, spes esse dicitur.“
Not exactly the same as hitting the dimmer switch and cueing up D’Angelo’s Voodoo, now is it?
McDorky asks if she’s really listening, and she lies and says that she’s hanging on every word.
Vasco V.O.: Honestly, at this moment, I wish I was hanging … from a rafter. But I’m a grown-up now, another biological reality in which I had no say. And as a grown-up, whatever the doctor deals out, well, like I said, no more balloons.What McDorky is dealing out is the reality that he still has no idea why she has the power to regenerate after falling from a high-rise or getting pumped full of a lot of lead. She assures him that it’s because she’s “special,” but he tells her that aspects of her genetic structure are “a little weird.”
She tells him that what he must really be thinking is that she’s a freak. He protests and starts to get scientific on her again, but she stops him in his tracks. Jane moves in close to McDorky, places her large paw on his shoulder and whispers, “If it’s not in Latin, I’m not interested.” McDorky nervously bats his lashes like the doe in headlights that he is, and Jane swaggers away. He regains enough composure to remind her of their briefing in 10 minutes, but Jane blows him off with a macho, “Goin’ for a walk.”
Across the tracks – Jane’s walk is really just a stroll down the tracks of the abandoned subway station that houses the Geek Squad’s Secret Headquarters. Subway Expert (WTF?) Joe Waterman is working on a piece of the track as Jane walks it like a balance beam. He tells her that five years ago she’d be “fried” if she took a walk on this particular set of tracks. But Jane is hung up on her pesky immortality “problem” and reminds him that anyone but her would be fried. It’s always all about you, Jane, isn’t it?
She asks what he’s doing, and he tells her that he’s keeping the switches working. Jane speaks for all of us when she asks, “What’s the point?”
He sighs and says, “I guess it keeps me working.” Okey dokey, Joe. You are officially the wisdom tooth of the Geek Squad. What the hell is your actual purpose?
A none-too-brief briefing — Andre tells the Geek Squad all about the unidentified munitions thief who was shot in the opening sequence of the show. Then he rolls some spooky tape of the zombie leaping to his feet and exiting the building.
Andre: And there he goes. That was last month. Since then, there have been two other reports. Both break-ins, both attempts to gain weaponry or surveillance gear. Where someone thought to be dead turned out not to be.Heartbreaker Maureen, now officially part of the Squad, pipes up from the back row with a pressing question.
Maureen: Have you guys ever encountered a neuro that couldn’t be killed? The Ugly One: Don’t know. Killing ’em’s not in our playbook. Mostly we just chip ’em.McDorky wants blood samples from the crime scenes, but Andre tersely tells him that there weren’t any. He’s in a hurry to cue up the next surveillance reel.
Andre: Two weeks ago. Unauthorized entry into the safe at Farrington Construction. Designers of the new World Commerce Building.The Feds are all over it, but if a neuro is behind these dastardly goings on, then the Geek Squad gets first dibs on taking the S.O.B. down. Maureen wants to know if the Feds are authorized to share information with the Squad, but it turns out the Feds don’t even know that the Squad exists. Gads!
IT whiz Riley tells the team that he’s trying to hack into the Feds’ database so that they can force a little “information sharing,” but he’s not having much luck. According to Andre, this means that the Squad will have to “watch the game” until it’s time to “intercept a pass.”
Ugh. I hate sports metaphors almost as much as I hate sports.
Maureen: Football. The name of my game. The Ugly One: You play? Jane: She’s talking about the players.The women share a knowing laugh, but I’m with the Ugly One on this. Given Maureen’s lezzed-out vibe, it was a perfectly valid question.
Jane’s bachelor pad — Jane returns home for some time in front of the tube. She also checks her answering machine and plays back a message from some guy who calls her “honey” in a monotone voice.
Mr. Roboto: Hey honey, it’s me again. I’m getting a little concerned that I haven’t heard from you. I’m sure the new job has you busy, but give me a call, all right? Just to let me know that you’re OK.Was the message from another agent, speaking in secret code about a work thing? From an IT guy she’s dating? Or maybe from her father who must be on some rejuvenating regimen that makes him sound at least 20 years younger than he actually is?
Jane doesn’t let on either way.
Simply the best — Riley is at the Secret Headquarters doing a little “I’m the king of the world!” monologue because he has successfully hacked into the Feds’ database.
Where the streets have no name (but Jane’s friend has several) — Across town, Jane and a sassy brunette friend are tooling through the darkened city streets together. Jane wants to know if she’s cramping her friend’s style, but the friend tells her, “No! You’re pretty hot.”
Is Jane’s friend a lady of the night?
A jerky young guy approaches them and asks, “Hey Corey, who’s your friend?”
Corey: She’s more than you can handle. The Jerk: Yeah, right. Corey: Hey, you want something? That you might actually stand a chance of getting?The Jerk pulls Corey aside for a private conversation and stuffs something into her hand before walking away. Corey tells Jane that the guy was a friend, and Jane counters with, “Since when is Amanda called ‘Corey’?” D’oh! Amanda lamely replies, “Some friends you let in. Others …”
In this neighborhood, Amanda goes by Corey, and she’s not willing to say much else about it. But she’s happy to randomly pass along some black-market mini-DVDs to Jane for her viewing pleasure.
The two continue walking to a club that we’re supposed to understand is kind of “out there.” We know this because Amanda defends the club, the patrons and herself as cooler than thou because they are “different.” Jane warns her that being “different” may not be the joyride Amanda thinks it is. Amanda practically draws an imaginary square around Jane’s head when she asks, “How would you know?”
She thinks the fact that Jane is employed, has material possessions and isn’t turning tricks is evidence that she’s a big conventional dork. “Seems to me that you’re a lot like other people,” Amanda says. Jane is spared the work of schooling her when she receives a phone call and rushes away.
You are so busted – Across town, someone is climbing into a tank when a swarm of armed G-men descend and take aim. I guess no one bothered to tell the G-men that the purloined vehicle in question is a tank, and therefore armed. A lot. The driver points his tank at one of the G-men’s cars and blows it to bits. But before the driver can get all Smoky and the Bandit on us, one of those crafty G-men tosses an explosive under the tank and smokes the driver out.
The G-men open fire with about a million rounds of ammo as the tank thief makes a run for it. They handcuff his corpse and lock his body in an armored car.
Go on, take the neuro and run — The driver and passenger in the armored car just happen to be Jane and The Ugly One, respectively. (And yeah, I do get a slight kick out of the fact that she is the one doing the driving.) They’re both decked out in military fatigues, and The Ugly One is gloating about their “interception” in that way that absolutely guarantees a SNAFU.
The Ugly One also asks why she’s driving so fast since their cargo is dead (one can only assume he wasn’t paying attention at the last Geek Squad briefing about the zombified nature of the weapon thieves).
Jane: [snidely] And here I thought you were an adrenaline junky. The Ugly One: Not when a woman’s driving.Oh really? Jane steps on the gas, accelerating to over 100 mph. The Ugly One’s knuckles, once just dragging the ground, now flap in the wind behind him.
Doctor, doctor, give me the news — Back at Geek Headquarters, Dr. McDorky examines the (for now) corpse and tells Jane and Andre that it is not that of a neuro. Oh yeah, and one other thing: This guy’s been dead for five weeks. Creepy music swells, urging the corpse to open his eyes and leap at them from the slab. But he doesn’t. Psych! Digging in the dirt — At a spooky cemetery (Did they really have to go at night? Couldn’t this field trip wait until morning?) a groundskeeper tells the Geek Squad that the body in question went missing two days ago, despite around-the-clock surveillance. The Ugly One announces that the grave was broken out of, not into.
Drinking on the job — Back at Headquarters, Riley is swigging a beer and watching an old zombie movie when the team returns. Riley snaps to attention and gives the latest update on the corpse. Aaron Hawkings was 27 years old when he died from a hereditary heart condition, and he wasn’t the only one. In between brewskis, Riley turns up a dozen other cases of stolen corpses, and he displays their files for the group.
Andre: All young. Maureen: And hot. Riley: Yeah, but they’re dead. Maureen: You haven’t been on some of my dates.Yeah, and neither have you, Maureen. Heh.
All of the victims were male, under 30 and in excellent physical condition. The Ugly One figures this means a woman was behind the thefts (What, a necrophiliac, genius?), but Andre thinks that the men are being drafted into an army of the dead. I guess that’s why he’s in charge.
He also figures that all of this body/munitions snatching is building up to an attempt on the president’s life.
Maureen: [raising her hand] Um, for the newer members of the class — what the hell are you talking about? Riley: Obviously a neuro who can raise the dead. Maureen: Obviously. Can that happen?Maureen innocently asks how it’s possible, and in return gets a snotty speech from Andre about how all of this (i.e., the entire premise of the series) is impossible to the point of being ridiculous. Oh Andre, so many AfterEllen.com readers would agree.
Decompose this — Back in the lab, Andre is hovering over the rapidly rotting corpse of Mr. Hawkings. He’s also bellyaching about the good ol’ days when he’d never heard of neuros, genetic aberrations, or any of that other freaky scientific crap. Jane ignores his complaints and cuts to the chase. Why didn’t this corpse reanimate and run? Andre figures it had to do with “proximity”— the controlling neuro probably has to be close by in order to get that particular party started. I don’t like you like that; I like you like a friend — Back at Jane’s apartment, street urchin Amanda is sucking down a glass of what appears to be standard-issue red wine while Jane cooks them dinner.
Amanda: This is great. Where’d you get this stuff? Jane: You’re not the only one with friends.Yeah, or a nearby grocery store.
Jane: You’re supposed to sip it. Amanda: Hey, you sip, I’ll slurp.Um, where exactly is this going?
Jane sits down across from her, prompting Amanda to get up and look around Jane’s house.
Amanda: You have books. Jane: Shocking, isn’t it? Amanda: I mean, who has books? Why not just read online? Jane: Connects you to the past, something you can touch, hold, feel.Amanda swings around and shoots Jane a look.
Jane: Makes me feel safe.She stares seductively at Amanda and takes a swig of wine.
Jane: And grounded. Amanda: What’s your deal?Yeah, I was just wondering the same thing. Is Loken foregrounding a lesbian subtext here, or simply doing some method acting?
Jane: What do you mean? Amanda: I mean, what’s your deal? I know I said I you seem a lot like other people, but now I’m not so sure about that. Jane: Is that why you invited yourself over tonight? So you could try to figure me out?Is “figure me out” a new euphemism for “seduce me with your nubile young body”?
Amanda: There’s something about you that’s just … a little off to the side. Jane: I’ve heard “different”; most recently “weird.” But “off to the side”? That’s a new one. Amanda: Hey, look at me. Jane: Why? You think we’re alike? Amanda: Maybe. But the difference is that I’m cool with being what I am. But you … I don’t know. There’s something about you, like you’re trying to hide it from everyone.Oh just go ahead and kiss already for crying out loud!
Alas, Jane just flashes back to getting gunned down in the police department (in Episode 1), then tells Amanda that she thinks they should call it a night. Bor-ing.
Amanda leaves in a bit of a huff, and Jane compulsively slugs back some wine. Then she sits down at the bar and jams the corkscrew into her arm. It hurts, but it heals nicely. And instantaneously. She drinks more wine.
Vasco V.O.: Like Amanda said: off to the side.
Bureaucracy rocks! – Back at Headquarters, Andre is trying to convince some mindless drone that the threat to the president’s life is real, and maybe they should rethink this whole building-dedication ceremony. The drone won’t hear of it and essentially tells him to “make it work.”
Meanwhile, Riley has located another zombie, and it’s on the move.
Dead man walking — The Geek Squad meets up with the poor old groundskeeper who’s been tracking the zombie, and the guy’s a wreck. Andre mercifully relieves him of his duties and puts Jane and Heartbreaker Maureen on the zombie’s trail.
Jane and Maureen approach the zombie as he attempts to scale a ladder into a tall building. Jane kicks the ladder out from under him and he falls to the ground. But he’s OK! He leaps to his feet and comes after Maureen, easily kicking her mortal ass, then engages Jane in an endless fistfight. These two punch each other in the face about a hundred times, but nobody goes down for the count. He briefly stuns Jane with a right hook, and uses the lull to finish Maureen off with a fence post to the head. But before he can sock it to her, he inexplicably drops dead.
Andre finds Jane helping Maureen to her feet, and together they enter the building that the zombie was so desperately trying to break into.
And by “special” I mean they can do anything — Inside the building, the Squad finds a big cache of … sporting goods? It’s not exactly a sign of the Special Ops Zombie Team that Andre feared was being developed. Jane thinks that something isn’t adding up, and that they should take a second look at their “profile.”
The Squad room — As Jane suspected, the zombie profile they’ve been using isn’t really working anymore. Riley pulls up the file of the latest corpse to tunnel out of his casket, a man named Albert Malley. He’s older and less fit than the buff zombies who have preceded him, and little is known about his origins. Jane thinks that the zombie outbreak may not be connected to the dedication ceremony after all, but because they don’t know what else to do, Andre insists that they stay the course/don’t change horses midstream/don’t cut and run.
Riley displays the president’s scheduled motorcade route to the ceremony, pointing out the most likely spot along the way for an assassination attempt. Jane tries yet again to pull Andre aside and help her figure out what’s really going on with these dang zombies, but he refuses to budge, lamely protesting, “We have our orders.”
Love near an elevator — Back at her loft, Jane runs into neighbor Amanda, who proudly shows off her new motorcycle. (Nope, no subtext there!)
She also tells Jane that her father came by to see her and inquired about her safety, then tries to shame her into reconnecting with him. (“If I had a dad, I’d talk to him.”)
A view to a kill — The next day, Andre, The Ugly One and Heartbreaker Maureen are perched high atop a building facing the president’s motorcade route. Andre is complaining about everything, which I think makes him feel important. The Ugly One scans the crowd for anyone looking zombified.
Rebel, rebel — Back at Headquarters, Jane is launching her own investigation. She tells a skeptical Riley that the whole zombie debacle isn’t about the president, “and Andre knows it!” While the rest of the Squad tracks the motorcade, Jane listens in on the police radio frequency. She learns that Malley (the off-profile zombie) was spotted 40 miles from the motorcade, which means that his controlling neuro must not be far away.
Toy soldiers — Jane shows up at the home of Mr. and Mrs. James Davies, where Malley worked as a gardener before he died. She does some quick detective work and learns that (1) Dad is a jerk; (2) Mom is clueless; and (3) their son is a psychotic little neuro using an army of zombies to steal guns and sporting equipment for his own personal amusement.
Jane tracks the little nutter down to an isolated patch of land where she watches in amazement as he plays with toy soldiers — toy zombie soldiers who are driving Army-issue jeeps and tanks and blowing each other to bits with live ammo. His dead friend Malley stands alongside him and watches the war games. Somehow, Jane manages to get herself captured (enemy combatant much?), and Neuro Jr. is eager to find out who she is.
Neuro Jr.: What are you doing here? Jane: Finding out how a lonely boy spends his time. Neuro Jr.: You shouldn’t be here. Jane: Should any of them be here?Luckily, the Geek Squad is on the scene, and Andre is already trying to get a clear shot at the little monster before he can whack Jane. (Although, when you really think about it, what’s the big deal? If they kill her, she’ll just come back to life, right? And with nary a scar. Maybe the squad should just take a lunch break and come back later to pick Jane up once she’s brought herself back to life again.)
One of the Geek Squad dudes is thinking like me, urging Andre to take his shot at the kid even if it means the bullet has to pass through Jane first. Andre hesitates, then pops off a round. When Neuro Jr. is hit, the corpses quit shooting and hit the ground. (Calm down, the kid didn’t die!)
As they step over the rotting, now unanimated soldier corpses, Jane and Andre exchange some witty remarks about how he shot her but it all worked out just fine.
Won’t you be my neighbor? — Back at Jane’s building, she walks by Amanda’s door and hears the omnipresent house music pounding through the walls. This reminds her that she is horribly, horribly old and that Amanda is not an age-appropriate booty call for her to consider. Oh wait, I think that’s what I was thinking about myself and my cute next-door neighbor. Anywho, Jane comes home and checks out her neck in the bathroom mirror. She thinks to herself, “Damn, I look good.” Whoops. Me again, this time about Jane. I think I’m a neuro or something.
Jane enters her kitchen and reaches for that half-empty bottle of wine. She takes a big swig directly from the bottle before breaking down and pouring some into a glass.
I think when Jane drinks, she gets all sentimental and voice-overy. Why can’t she just drunk-dial an ex or steal a car or something? I think we’d all find it a lot more entertaining.
Vasco V.O.: Like I said, when you’re young, you’re given something good to distract from something bad. Then we grow up. Hard to say exactly when it happens, but it happens. And distractions seem harder to come by.She picks up her phone — ooh, maybe she’ll drunk-dial Heartbreaker Maureen! I sure hope she’s home and not out on a date with a “football player.” (Heh.) But alas, she calls her father, and when he answers the phone, she hangs up. Jane sighs and takes another big sip of wine.
Next time on Painkiller Jane: A neuro steals the mind of a genius, and Jane hurls herself at a super-sized bug zapper for humans.
