“The Good Wife” recap (4.19): Fanfiction, pizza, and unrequited love

This week’s episode of The Good Wife felt like a bit of a let down after the pomp and circumstance of last week’s murder mystery and Shamrock Ball, but alas, we all have to get back to the grind at sometime. Although back to the grind for Lockhart Gardner is currently feeling a little sweeter, as they’re moving back into the 3284th floor or whatever it is, which means Cary and Alicia officially have their own offices again. Which actually makes me feel a little sad? But since Alicia’s an equity partner now, she’s been upgraded to Office Fancypants status:


It’s mine? All mine?

Diane tells her she has a $10,000 stipend to decorate. What! I know this probably isn’t that much in hot shot lawyer world, but — $10,000! Holy crap! I’ll decorate YOU!

Alicia is thrilled and also wearing a sexy sheer shirt thing beneath her blazer and I approve!


I’m gonna make it after all.

Cary’s office, meanwhile, is significantly smaller and also currently acting as a furniture storage closet. Womp, womp.

Diane then sits down with Kalinda and — hey, where’s Kalinda office, you guys? She should really have an office. Imagine all the sexytimes she could have in her own office! Anyway, Diane inform Kalinda that she wants her to investigate a partner — that partner being herself. If Peter wins the election and Diane is indeed appointed to be an Illinois Supreme Court judge, she wants to know what people are going to dig up on her. Smart move. The most important part of this scene, though, is that when Kalinda hears this, she puts down her trusty orange notebook and GETS OUT A BLUE ONE. Gasp! So many secret notebooks! What else are you hiding, Kalinda? Do you have a pink one to keep track of all your ladies? Also, is it weird that I’m turned on by your notebooks?


I am also apparently turned on by your posture.

In order to investigate Diane, Kalinda has to give her current work load to Robyn. She calls her and asks, “Where are you and what are you on?” To which Robyn replies with an incredulous smile in her voice, “What am I ON?” You can hear Kalinda’s eye roll over the phone as she sighs, “What CASE.” Haha! Robyn! You are a ridiculously charming investigative puppy and I love you.

In Trial o’ the Week news, Laura and Alicia are facing off once again, this time over dear old Colin Sweeney. He’s baaaaack! More importantly, though, he is accompanied by his now-fiancee Isobel, played by the absolutely glorious Morena Baccarin of Firefly and a bunch of other stuff, but let’s be honest, Firefly is the most important.

Sweeney’s case this time is about him firing a gun at a wild and crazy party; no one got hurt and Sweeney’s maintaining he didn’t even actually shoot it but Laura and the state are pressing hard anyway. Alicia and Sweeney share some playful banter; he says she feeds into his “Mary Poppins obsession,” ugh I don’t know why that’s gross but it just feels wrong, as with most things about Sweeney. Then the grumpy judge — I so love a grumpy judge! — yells at them all and says it’s a stupid case that should be plead out and not in his courtroom but Laura and her bangs of the state aren’t having any of it. In the Lockhart Gardner offices, they determine it’s a political move so Peter can look tough during his campaign and they move to just delay it a few months until the election blows over. This decision allows Alicia a few moments to go back to her office decorating decisions, until Isobel stops by and tells her a bunch of creepy stuff about how often Colin Sweeney talks about her. This may be the best scene of the episode, as it includes Isobel saying this line: “He asked me if I found you desirable. But I find everyone desirable.”


Everyone.


Sorry, what?

I am with you on this one, Isobel. She then asks Alicia the question, “If I marry him, will he kill me?” Oh, Isobel, it’s fine. Everyone has the is-my-husband-a-psychopath pre-marital jitters. Just kidding they don’t.

The workload that Kalinda had pawned off on Robyn, by the way, is background checks on some folks Diane is having Cary conduct interviews with, presumably to find someone to possibly take her place if she’s whisked away to judge land. Cary asks Robyn to sit in on the interviews with him because they’ll look more formidable with two. He tells her not to smile or say anything, but just sit and look severe. And does she ever!


This is my severe face.

The first guy they interview is some I Went to Harvard And Clerk For a Supreme Court Justice And Just Built a Canoe With My Bare Hands dickwad, and Robyn’s Serious Game Face during the whole thing had me literally laughing out loud. When Cary asks her what she thought of the interviewee afterwards, she says that he’s a braggart. Cary asks if this is a bad thing. She says, “People who have something to brag about normally don’t brag.” Preach.

It also turns out not only was the interviewee a buffoon, but a dumb buffoon, as he reveals some information about a majority decision his Supreme Court judge is writing, a decision which Cary later that night figures out is the reason why Laura and the state are pressing so hard on Sweeney. Due to the “three strikes,” double enhancement ruling of this decision, if the shooting of the gun is convicted as a felony, it would be Sweeney’s last straw and he’d get life in prison. Which, based on the evidence of the current trial, is completely ridiculous, because “three strikes,” like “zero tolerance policies,” are usually COMPLETELY RIDICULOUS.

Luckily, Alicia had originally asked for a speedy trial, which everyone always does without it ever happening, but if they stick up for that speedy trial statute, which they technically can, they have exactly one more day to start this trial which they are completely unprepared for, and rush it through before the Supreme Court decision comes down. Sometimes the legal maneuvering of The Good Wife can make my eyes glaze over, but I actually found this whole plotline completely fascinating. Perhaps because, even though they were fighting for Sweeney of all people, it actually felt like they were fighting for the right thing. Even if the way they had to do it was real wonky. Because the way the law works is always real wonky.

As the rest of the team scrambles around the Sweeney case, Kalinda sits down to deliver Diane the first deep, dark secrets of her own life. And it starts with Kalinda reading this:

Yet when Damon drew her close, Elena found herself unable to resist his vampire charms. When Damon’s fangs dug into her neck, her whole body pulsed with desire. She needed him. She needed him bad.


Bad.

Kalinda explains, “It’s fanfiction. For The Vampire Diaries. You wrote it.” Diane reacts thus:


Come again?

Clearly Diane has never watched The Vampire Diaries in her life, and soon figures out it must have been her housekeeper typing it on her computer at home. But for a magnificent second, we could imagine that Diane really did write this! That she’s hiding a secret fangirl within herself!

And let’s process this for a moment: Kalinda read us fanfiction! Straight vampire fanfiction, but still! Kalinda read us fanfiction! Fact: this whole interaction just gets better and better the more times you watch it.

Sadly, however, the fanfiction isn’t actually as entertaining to Diane and Kalinda, particularly Kalinda. While Diane explains that her housekeeper is a nice lady with three kids, Kalinda tells her she has to fire her, and even extricate any paper trail that connects her with her. Apparently any connection to vampire fanfiction during a campaign would be real bad news. Harsh, man. Heed this lesson, kids: if you write fanfiction at work, it could get your ass fired. Eep!

Meanwhile in the Sweeney case, it’s been decided that they need the best ballistic expert out there to examine the trajectory of the supposed bullet that Sweeney fired at the party. This gives Diane no choice but to seek out yet another old Good Wife character, Kurt McVeigh, the flame of Diane’s loins. It’s been a while since we’ve seen a Diane plot line that doesn’t involve being a hard knock leader of a struggling law firm and nothing else, so it’s nice to see a genuine smile on her face and a warmth in her eyes.

Speaking of relations and yearning and such things, Laura also stops Alicia outside of court to ask if she and Will are in any kind of romantic relationship. I’m sort of confused about what this was brought on by — Laura looking in at Alicia and Will’s conversation in the police station last week? But it’s already been revealed that Laura and Will have been dating for around a week now, so you would think Laura would have already asked this question at the start. But then again, perhaps not; when we first like someone, it’s easy to silence any type of doubt in favor of happiness, until the doubt bubbles up slowly like the irritating bastard it is. In any case, Alicia only seems taken aback for a second, and then admits that there was once in the past but there most definitely isn’t anymore. Laura’s her friend, Will’s her friend, she’s happy they’re happy, everybody’s happy! And she sounds truthful when she says this, because I know she really does like Laura, and it’s nice to have a real friend, especially after the whole Maddie Hayward situation. But it’s clear that Laura’s not as sure as Alicia makes herself sound about this whole thing.

In the courtroom, Isobel continues to be as amazing as ever. She’s testifying on the stand about the room where she and Colin were at the time of the gunshot, which is the Camelia Room, which makes this all sound like a not-as-campy version of Clue. Colin Sweeney with the revolver (or not) in the Camelia Room! Anyway, when Will asks what they were doing there, she replies, simple and succinct, “Anal.”


As in sex.

Ha! Ha! Isobel for all the awards. Speaking of sex, we later see that Alicia is continuing to have All the Sex Dreams about Will. This is clearly all leading up to some kind of breakdown for Alicia eventually, but I’m personally getting a little tired of the struggle. Just choose one or the other, Alicia! Be happy, for chrissakes! But, this could just be me.

In other couple news, Diane gets a little drunk with Kurt after hours and casually suggests they should get married. And then immediately takes it back. Oh, Diane. Let me hold you. She’s feeling particularly fragile, as Kalinda has brought her more news much more damning than Vampire Diaries fanfiction. She’s discovered that her father, whom Diane adores and whose ideals she built her whole life around, had submitted his best friend’s name as a Communist to the Un-American Affairs Committee back in the day. The Un-American Affairs Committee was really one of our proudest moments, wasn’t it? This best friend of her father’s was indeed convicted of being a Communist and ended up killing himself. This is a deep blow, and it’s clear Kalinda is also starting to feel concerned about the hurt this research is causing. Which is just another sign of how caring and deep and good Kalinda’s soul truly is.

As if she could handle more, Kalinda then comes back to Diane after her romantical night with Kurt, and shows her a video of Kurt at a pro-gun rally, spewing off hatred of Obama to the point of secession talk, a tie to which could also be extremely damaging for her judgeship. In less harsh terms than the housekeeper, Kalinda advises her that this would only be a big deal during the campaign. She could resume a relationship with Kurt after the election. So, Diane says, six months. And she says it with a sigh that clearly means six months is just too long.

And after a good deal of mulling things over, it turns out that Diane has decided, for once, to go with her heart. She tells Kurt that you know what? She doesn’t want to wait. For that getting married thing. Which she wasn’t joking about. He looks at her and says, “And then what?” We don’t get to hear what she says in response, but even if nothing comes of this, my romantic heart wants to cheer for her courage.

In other news, Robyn continues to do her part by getting drunk with the I Built a Canoe doofus, succeeding in getting more info about how much more time they have before the Supreme Court decision comes down. This is mainly exciting because afterwards she returns to Cary’s office to tell him the news and drunkenly eats pizza as she does so. And I am pretty much always a fan of girls drunkenly eating pizza. Including myself. What I’m saying is, I would like to be drunk and eating pizza.

Colin Sweeney ends up having to serve 30 days for disorderly conduct but doesn’t get charged for the felony, meaning he’s fine for now and won’t spend his life in prison. Afterwards, with the trial behind them, Laura and Will then sit down to make out, but soon, after a call from Alicia to Will, Laura pulls away and tells a story about a guy she used to date in the military coming back into her life recently. Will says he understands. And as Laura walks away, it’s clear that this is probably a bunch of hooey, and her intuition is just better than probably anyone else’s on this show. Poor Laura baby. We fade out on Alicia drinking alone in bed while Lykke Li croons over and over, “Oh, this love is unrequited.” Le sigh.

The Good Wife returns in two weeks. What were thoughts on this episode?

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