Archive

“Once Upon A Time” recap: How to Tase Your Dragon (2.18)

Previously on Once Upon A Time, Snow White killed Cora by way of Regina, Tamara was too pretty to be trusted, and Pinocchio disappeared off the face of the planet.

We open in Phuket on October 24, 2011 (and yes, I’m 12, because I pronounce that phonetically). The clock strikes 8:15 (7:15 in Storybrooke time) and our old friend August awakes with a start. His leg is hurting because he’s turning back into a puppet. He tries to rouse his naked bedmate, but it’s too early to talk about wood. Plus, she’s probably pretty hung over if she had any part in the empty bottles rolling around.

In present-day Storybrooke, Prince Charming is doting on his bedridden wife because he literally does not know what to do with himself when she’s not telling him. Emma is tired of the pity party and thinks Snow should just snap out of it already. Snow finally gets her little ass out of bed and tells her hubby that she’s going for a walk – a walk that involves packing a Mary Poppins bag.

Once deep enough in the woods, Snow is blaring music in her headphones and being badass with a bow in a moment that perfectly melds the magical and modern worlds she has lived in. Going after a stray arrow, she notices that it was broken and goes off in search for the other half. She quickly finds it – in an RV – in August’s wooden leg.

Flash back to Hong Kong on the day of August’s pegleg incident. The doctor doesn’t see the wood, only leg, so August stabs himself in the leg to prove it, but all it proves is that his brain was the first thing to turn to wood. The doctor, understandably, yells for psych and August hobbles off for his life. He’s pulled into a storage closet by a young man who thinks he knows someone that can help — someone called The Dragon. (Keeping my fingers crossed that it’s Daenerys.)

Present-day August is 100% wood, but now he can move around and talk and I kind of wish he couldn’t because I’m definitely going to have nightmares about him. Our pal Pinocchio is having a full-fledged mope-fest himself, and Snow finally sees how pathetic she must have been for the past few episodes. He begs her to forget she saw him and to not mention it to anyone, but Mary Margaret is a regular Gladys Witham and when she sees a problem that needs a-fixin’, she just can’t NOT.

Emma takes Henry to Neal’s even though last time she left them unsupervised, he lost the kid. Also, why doesn’t Regina also get visitation rights? Sure, he didn’t kill Emma’s ex-boyfriend, but he did leave her to rot in jail.

Anyway, Neal has some bad news and some awkward news. Bad news is, Hook’s not in the basement anymore. Emma does not give a hoot; she’s over Captain Eyeliner and his smarmy ways. Awkward news is, Tamara is on his way. Emma freaks the freak out. Emma tells him to come clean to his fiancĂ© about who he is and where he’s from as if it didn’t take her a whole season of living in Storybrooke to believe, herself.

At the most uncomfortable family breakfast, Tamara tells them about her and Neal’s meet-cute while Emma listens with as much feigned interest as she can muster whilst sitting like a lady. On the way out, Henry leaves his book with his new daddy to help him tell his tale to his lady love. He literally says, “I’m from the Enchanted Forest.” Which, way to ease her into it.

Tamara starts fuming like she thinks Neal is making things up to push her away. She apparently didn’t notice Emma’s Lesbian Slouch, so she says she feels all kinds of threatened and storms out.

Back in time, still in Hong Kong, August is taken to The Dragon’s waiting room and who else is there but lil ol’ Tamara. I knew she was trouble when she walked in.

Present day, Snow barges into the diner and does the one thing August told her not to do — proclaims to all the world that August is alive, though puppetized. After loudly stating his exact coordinates, she runs off to find the Blue Fairy, with Emma and Geppetto in tow. Guess who was eavesdropping.

TAMARA SHADY

And, let’s be honest, Stranger Greg probably has the whole thing up on YouTube by now.

The Dragon (who, by the way, is definitely not my khaleesi) knows Pinocchio and says he can help – but only if he hands over his last puppet string. He also wants $10,000 which seems a little steep for something the Blue Fairy did for free.

Speaking of the Blue Fairy, she’s taking her Mother Superior role very seriously and spouting all kinds of wisdom about being selfless and paths to redemption. Snow is desperate to help August, because if a puppet with poor decision-making skills can’t get a second chance, what hope does a girl with a blackened heart have?

In a bar near The Dragon’s cave, Tamara invites August to join her for a drink. She was visiting The Dragon because she has a rare, incurable form of cancer that requires a magical miracle to heal. It’s unclear whether she knows there’s actual magic involved or not, but no matter, she has an envelope just teeming with cash money to give The Dragon. She decides that the man she met in the seedy hallway of a black-market voodoo doctor would be a good person to keep an eye on said envelope while she stepped away to take a phone call.

Little did she know, after the leg and the brain, August’s heart had turned to wood, so HE STOLE HER MONEY. She was already living on borrowed time and he just STOLE MORE OF IT. I don’t even know if I WANT him to get redemption anymore. I’m kind of rooting for Regina to craft him into a bench. And then sit on it. With Emma.

Eh hem. Sorry.

Present-day August gets a knock on his trailer and is none too pleased. He is even less pleased when he opens the door to find a gorgeously smug Tamara waiting for him, hopefully with a book of matches. August rushes into The Dragon’s lair with his stolen mulah and gets a potion that will stop him from turning into wood. Because of the whole wooden brain thing, he decides that, instead of drinking it immediately, he would run around Hong Kong a little first. Tamara finds him almost immediately and chases him down for the potion.

Present-day Tamara can see that August is wood, and she did know The Dragon was magic. She needs a favor, and he owes her one, since he practically murdered her in Hong Kong. She points out that she’s human, and very much alive – the potion worked and she says August can have some, as long as he leaves.

He’s like “ALL THE MAGICAL MAGIC IS RIGHT HERE IN STORYBROOKE AND CAN BE STOLEN YOU DON’T WANT TO DO THAT DO YOU?” And I have a feeling that if that wasn’t what she wanted, she sure does now. She tells him to GTFO and now I don’t know if he’s good or bad or she’s good or bad and I’m pretty sure this show is giving me trust issues.

Meanwhile in Storybrooke, Regina figured out who Stranger Greg is. She had held on to the keychain Little Owen had given her and says she didn’t recognize him all growed up. He points out that she looks like she hasn’t aged a day and Regina smiles her brightest smile and attributes her flawlessness to a monthly juice cleanse. Regina said his father left shortly after Owen did and assures him that he is not in Storybrooke. She tells him that he’s leaving the next day or she’ll make him disappear. At least then he’d get to experience this magic that fascinates him so first-hand.

Snow, Emma and Geppetto are heading towards the RV of Sadness when Geppetto joins in the Blame Game and says this is all his fault. He then confesses that the magic wardrobe that took Baby Emma from the Enchanted Forest to the real world actually had enough magic for two people, but instead of letting her brave and gallant mother go with the suckling babe, he sent his kid without so much as a cricket to guide them.

Snow White’s hand reaches out and slaps Geppetto all on its own, but Snow quickly remembers herself and starts word-vomiting forgiveness as fast as possible. When she’s done, they find the RV, but Pinocchio is already high-tailing it out of town.

OK, I’m back to not trusting Tamara. As it turns out, she doesn’t have cancer and she IS on a Quest for Magic. She’s one of those people who ruin your favorite food by telling you exactly what’s in it, and has analyzed her little tube of magic with Science to prove it’s really magic. But she wants MORE and decides the best way to do it is to use her big, fancy taser on The Dragon. Just outside the town lines, August has a change of heart, bangs a uey and heads right for the police station. When he can’t find Emma, he calls her and tries to warn her, but Tamara and her Taser of Terror strikes again.

Team Charming finds Pinocchio stumbling out of the police station and tries to warn them about Tamara, but dies before he can get anything out. Emma is really starting to take after her mother, because she uses every muscle in her face to declare that Pinocchio will not have died in vain. But Henry has read this story, and he knows that Pinocchio Since August did right in the end, he earned his redemption. The Blue Fairy showed up (but sadly did not don her Blue Fairy costume) and turned August into a little boy – a REAL boy!

Tamara’s just about ready to tase the kid, but luckily he doesn’t remember what he was about to say before he died, so his tiny, precious life was spared.

Neal tells Tamara that he knows this is a crazy life he leads, so he understands if she prefers New York, but Tamara agrees to stay in Storybrooke under the guise of true love, but bitch lied about having cancer so hell if I believe anything she says.

Point in case, we flash back to Manhattan, 2011, where Tamara is spying on August. As it turns out, their little meet-cute wasn’t so happenstance after all.

In his temporary Storybrooke home, Stranger Greg gets a call from Her. As predicted by everyone on Twitter, Tamara is Her. But since that wasn’t all that surprising, they decided to throw in a little shocker and Stranger Gregory Owen kisses Taser Tamara RIGHT ON THE MOUTH. AHH! It was even scarier than fully wooden August zombie-ing around.

Next week, Aurora and Mulan have long forgotten Prince Phillip and build a cozy cabin in the Enchanted Forest that, together, they call home. The week after that, Ruby storms into the hospital and kisses Belle to help her remember who she is. (Just kidding, there’s no new episode next week, or the week after. And those things only happen in my head-canon. See you the week of April 21st!)

What did you think of Selfless, Brave and True?

Here are some of our favorite tweets from this week:

Lesbian Apparel and Accessories Gay All Day sweatshirt -- AE exclusive

Related Articles

Leave a Reply

Back to top button