Previously on Glee, Will Schuester learned that anchoring your grown-up emotional health onto a 19-year-old teenager is a proposition fraught with regret. Ryder explored the world of online dating and transphobia. Blaine Warbler rejoined the Cheerios in a double-crossing black-ops move intended to bring down Sue Sylvester from the inside. Also, and most importantly, he revealed the top/bottom dynamic between him and Kurt. They switch, OK? They’re switcherooers. Sometimes one is the top and other times the other one is the top and sometimes one is on one side an sometimes one is the other side and there are various shapes they make with their bodies and all of them are based on shared power and pleasure. Jokes that do not fully explore said dynamic, even by the most well-intentioned recapper, will not be tolerated. Also, Santana owned Paula Abdul and Finn flew to New York to exercise his fists on Brody and his authority over Rachel’s decision-making process process.
Everyone at McKinley High has an extra spring in their step this morning. Why? Because Mr. Schue is out of town and Finn is out of town, which means they can get their song and dance on today without having to mediate their teachers’ bullshit. Blaine slides up to Sam’s locker and offers him 50 bucks to help him feed his family because he accidentally caught him stealing macaroni from the cafeteria and so he knows he’s poor again. Except for he’s not poor. Not by a long shot. In fact, he is flush with treasure. Pasta treasure. Sam, it turns out, is a macaroni portrait prodigy. He leads Blaine to the art room to show off his masterpieces: Emma Stone, Leann Rhimes, the guys from Duck Dynasty, even Kurt. Blaine’s eyes go all mooney over noodle-Kurt. He says, “The macaroni really captures him.”
Blaine turns the revelation into this week’s New Directions assignment: Everyone has to open up their closets and haul out their musical guilty pleasures. (Although Unique, awesomely, says she knows no shame.)
Blam breaks out Wham’s “Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go,” and it is neon heaven. Scrunchies are scrunched, jitterbugs are jittered, short-shorts are shorted, black lights are lighted, Blaine’s hair is Darren Criss-ed. By the end of the shenanigans, everyone’s on board with their guilty pleasure assignment.
Brittany S. Pierce, intuitive feelings genius and all-around lovely human being, decides to humanize Kitty by inviting her to Fondue for Two and calling her out on her horribleness. Kitty and Brittany both confess to loving Bring it On movies, which: No shame in that game, Cheertators. (Lord Tubbington’s guilty pleasure is Scientology, naturally.) Because she’s beautiful and wonderful and possesses the spirit of a unicorn, Brit gets Kitty to whisper her guiltiest guilty pleasure into her ear.
Obviously it is homosexy fantasies about Marley Rose, but when Marley and Tina and Unique accost them the next day, “as loyal fans of Fondue for Two,” Brit and Kitty claim it is the Spice Girls.