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“Lost Girl” recap (3.08): What a long, strange trip it’s been

Oh, look, Bo’s in a blindfold. Mmmm, finally some kinky sexytimes for her and the good doctor. Wait, what’s that chirping noise? Are there vibrators that make a chirping noise? Dammit, it’s just some dumb good luck cricket. Well it’s very disappointing for all parties involved, especially me.

Bo continues her “training” for The Dawning. Though I think this task is more like the Fae equivalent of looking for a four-leaf clover. She fails, because have you ever tried to find a four-leaf clover? It’s hard. Everyone is a little cranky and exhausted because it’s all over but for the waiting of the invitation now.

Bo wishes Kenzi was with her to cheer her up with a perfectly timed zinger. But Trick’s all, “Humans, bad. Taint sacred Fae puberty ritual. Also, cooties.” Or something like that. I don’t know, mostly he’s too busy making goo-goo eyes at the lodestar, Stella. She invites him to dinner because, I don’t know, perhaps your grandparents are watching and they need a ship to relate to as well. Bo gets a call from Lauren. And in that distracted, wishful way you do when your sweetie calls she plays with the buttons on the nearest object. Projection is a powerful thing. Only the thing she is projecting on looks like a steampunk eye exam machine. She turns a knob absentmindedly and says she wants a nap and then snuggle time together on the couch. Crap, now you know that’s exactly the opposite of what’s going to happen. As if to taunt us with what foreshadowing has already told us will never happen, Lauren sneaks up behind Bo and covers her eyes for an impromptu game of peek-a-Bo. See, now this is what I was talking about earlier. I’m going to start playing Tiffany’s seminal 1987 power ballad “Could’ve Been” on a loop outside the writers room door until they get the hint.

But what happens next is so cute I almost, almost, forgive them for forgoing the blindfolded sexytimes and giving us hyper nerdball Lauren instead. She’s talking super fast, like a scientist on crack. But it’s better than crack, it’s the thrill of scientific achievement and recognition from her peers that has Dr. Lewis all jazzed. And when I say jazzed I mean squeals of delight, enormous smile, pumped fists jazzed. Geek joy is the most adorable of all joys. Lauren is being honored for her work in free radicals, which sounds like something that happens if you were raised on a hippie commune. Though, scientifically speaking her research makes perfect personal sense. If my girlfriend was a powerful, supernatural creature who would live well past 200 years old, I’d study how to fight the aging process as well. She is actually second choice for the award (side note: Lauren is no one’s sloppy seconds – ever), but the original winner was disqualified because he fudged his findings. It was, like, all over the message boards.

I am now picturing Lauren getting into flame wars with frauds and trolls on science message boards and it is filling me with untold delight. In my mind her screename is Hotpants77. I now demand Lost Girl film a bottle episode set all in Lauren’s apartment where she talks to her laptop screen while indignantly browsing science message boards and secretly reading Hermione Granger femslash fanfic.

Lauren asks, pleads really, for Bo to be her +1 at her nerd banquet, which happens to be tonight. And then she freaks because there are acceptance speeches to write and dresses to steam and Bo to put in a dress so they can both wear dresses at the same time, together like. And then she runs off with an “I love you” to Bo. I don’t even really care that, clearly, Bo isn’t really going to show up to be Lauren’s +1 because this display is cuter than a basket full of kittens and otters and hedgehogs combined.

In fact, we could just stop the episode right there. Good work, people. Let’s do this again next week. But instead who should saunter up but Tamsin, in a sequined tank top because vampires aren’t the only things that should sparkle these days. She says she’s taking Bo out to lunch, which is good because dinner would be confusing. It’s already hard to tell sometimes with gay ladies if they’re asking you out or just to hang out. It can be so nebulous. If only we could just pass each other notes that read, “Is this a date? Circle Yes or No.” But, rest assured, this isn’t a date. This is liquid lunch of a bloody marys at a Dark Fae bar, so if anything they’re just having gay brunch. Tamsin goes full Whoopi in Ghost and “You in danger, girl” to Bo. Thing is, she probably won’t live through The Dawning, because it’s brutal times infinity. She says Trick and everyone else have been blowing smoke up her you-know-where to make her think she’s ready. So now you have to ask yourself which is the better teaching technique. The school of everyone gets a trophy self esteem boosting. Or the school of Bobby Knight will throw a chair at your head for your incompetence honesty. Help us, Pat Summitt, you’re Bo’s only hope.

Before Bo can pick her preferred teaching technique, a bunch of Dark Fae meatheads come over to give her a hard time. A little guy in a suit leads them out the back, thanks to a nicely timed right hook distraction from Tamsin, seemingly out of the goodness of his heart. But then Bo thanks him by saying she owes him a favor and shaking his hand. If I’ve learned anything from this show it is to never make any promises to or shake the hand of or spill the potions from or drink the blood of in spiked beer by strangers. But too late, hand shook and promise made, the seemingly helpful fellow is a Spriggan and he is of course calling in that favor right now. Tamsin expresses all of our frustration at this development because it means we more than likely will not get to see Bo and Lauren wear the dresses at the same time, together like.

Meanwhile, back at the steampunk optometrist’s office, Trick and Stella are dealing with the machine which turns out to be Bo’s invitation to The Dawning. I don’t really get it either but it involves Trick, as her closest blood relative, playing the “game” for her by making a series of life or death choices and pulling on corresponding levers and watching how if affects her in real life as the sand goes through an hourglass. These are, indeed, the Faes of our lives. What, like you’ve never watched soap when you were home sick and too lazy to find the remote. So Bo’s progress on the “favor” is getting help (or hindrance) from Trick’s choices on the machine. Tamsin comes along because, I’m guessing, she wants more people to see her in her sparkly tank top. First they meet an Asian teenage hipster eating noodles and must steal his fortune cookie. No, really. Um, I’m all for including more cultural diversity but wouldn’t it have been more fun and less predictable if he was eating, like, a big burrito or a plate of fried chicken?

Their plan goes well until Trick picks the food lever and has to, quite literally, feed the machine poison berries which make Bo’s tongue go numb and lose her succucharm. No one is seduced by marble mouth. But they get saved by the dart, which is confusing but go with it. The effects of the machine wear off in time for Bo to field a call from Lauren who has been drinking champagne and coming up with science jokes. So why do chemists like nitrates? Because they’re cheaper than day rates. [And pause for laughter.] And this, this is why lesbians everywhere love Dr. Lauren Lewis.

She yammers on some more about borrowing that bracelet, Bo knows the one (side benefit of a same-sex relationship — instantly double your jewelry). But then Bo drops the hammer and says she’ll be late and miss the reception. When Lauren asks what she’s doing, Bo lies and says she’s training at the Dal. Really, lie about this? Just say you got tricked into helping a weird guy on his seemingly never-ending quest to save some outcast Dark Fae girl who is being exploited for her drug-like tears in the lawless town of Brazenwood. She’ll totally understand and it’s certainly no weirder than having a secret girlfriend in a coma who was cursed by the Ash to indenture you into servitude to the Light. I mean who hasn’t been there, amirite? Somewhere I definitely haven’t been is to meet up with a Tarot-dealing “landlady” to get a “prescription.” Bo has to pick cards first, which she hates because “choosing supremely sucks.” Not exactly the bisexual slogan I’d print on a T-shirt for pride this summer, but point taken. Then as encouragement Tamsin whispers “come on Hotpants” into her ear, which either means she’s solidly on Team Lauren or this love triangle has just turned into a love trapezoid and it’s gonna get complicated for all parties involved. In fact, Facebook should make an “It’s Complicated Love Trapezoid” relationship status update option. Think of the confused comments you’d get from your great aunt Mildred on that one. Speaking of confusing, Bo flips over “The Wanderer” card which makes the color drain from everyone’s faces. In fact all the cards have turned into this Wanderer fellow. In my head I’m hearing the ominous “dun-dun-dun” music.

But who has time for cryptic messages on cards because the landlady gets hit with a dart and they have to run again. And, again, just go with it. It doesn’t really make any sense but Bo’s on her personal epic Odyssey and we’re all along for the ride. At the entrance to Brazenwood Bo prepares to shake Tamsin’s hand and bid her adieu. She had said, after all, she would go no further than the gate.

But, luckily Tamsin isn’t a woman of her word and they all forge ahead because after you’ve read a fortune cookie fortune to a toothless guy inside what looks like an outhouse, you probably just want to see exactly how strange shit is going to get. Thanks to another one of Trick’s genius choices on the machine, Bo gets mystically drunk and starts yammering on about how her ex-wolfboy got his love back but didn’t tell her. We all knew it was going to come up, but still, uuuuugh.

Bo’s all, does he love me? And Tamsin’s all, duh, don’t you have eyes? And Bo’s all, OMG, let’s trade shoes. And Tamsin’s all, you’re so beautiful it hurts to look at you. But Tino never shows up. Fine, only some of that happened, but in sentiment it all happened — especially the Tino thing. Lauren calls, and Bo decides to try out a new nickname, Lo, and portmanteau, BoLo. Look, I don’t care how drunk you are, it’s Doccubus and that’s that. Also if you got those My So-Called Life references, let’s be best friends.

Lauren is also drunk, but not mystically, as she’s been downing champagne all by her lonesome and anxious for Bo to get there wearing something hot. And then Lauren says she’d better be smoking because, “I look soooo sexy.” Hello new ringtone. I will call myself all day just for the self-affirmation. Then drunk Lauren adds, “I am like scary smart” and I’ve found my secondary ringtone.

Remember earlier when I begged the writers to give us some blindfolded sexytimes? I take it back, I just want more drunk Lauren. To not let Zoie Palmer flex her comedic muscle is a sin against laughter and sunshine and puppies.

But, uh oh, they’ve veered off the fun, I love you man stage of drunkness into the sloppy, relationship-destroying stage of harsh bickering. Like, for instance, telling your beautiful, brilliant human girlfriend that all she does is stare into petri dishes while you run around and save the world every day. Lauren is hurt, naturally, and says maybe she should go alone to her “stupid human thing.” Please note how Bo is leaning on an ass during this entire conversation. I see you, symbolism. Back to her Homerian task, Bo finally finds the crying girl, a Squonk, and convinces her the outside world isn’t so bad for a weirdo like her. Plus, if things get too rough lots of people pop into the restroom at work and have a good cry. So I’ve heard. That’s never happened to me.

But before they can make their escape they get caught up in a High Noon situation and Bo has to face off with the Squonk girl’s captor. Bo gets a little pep talk from Tamsin before their quick draw showdown. She tells her she’s smarter, faster and “a hell of a lot cuter” than him. These things are all true. But she also has a girlfriend. Just a reminder, in case anyone has forgotten.

As the season progressed, I must say I’ve admired the assortment of belts and jackets the Lost Girl costume department has found to hide Anna Silk’s burgeoning baby bump. Still at this rate by the end of the season they’ll have to send Bo to an ice world where she’s forced to wear a parka while battling an abominable SnowFae. Thanks to her cricket training (and full circle, nice), Bo is able to put down the gunslinger and saves the girl. In celebration for making a wise final pick back at the Dal, Trick and Stella share a kiss. Their chemistry sparks against the machine, which causes Tamsin to run up and kiss Bo. And boom goes the dynamite. Remember, I didn’t start this war. I only Paul Revere-ed its coming.

Back at Lauren’s place, an award-winning scientist who missed picking up her award is passed out on her couch, champagne glass in hand and still in her soooo sexy dress. Le sigh. There’s a knock at the door, but it isn’t Bo. It’s a dude. A scientist dude. A scientist dude who is very taken with Dr. Lewis’ work. A scientist dude who is very taken with Dr. Lewis’ work and perhaps with Dr. Lewis altogether, too. And now I frown the frown of a million lesbians.

He invites her out for a drink to “get in that head of yours.” And then he laughs at her “nitrates/day rates” joke. OK, OK — let’s stop right here. Right, exactly here. Now, I’m not sure what exactly the writers have in store for Lauren and this scientist dude. But if it’s anymore than just getting into “that head” of hers it’s going to get very ugly very quickly. Perhaps this is just a tease, to skirt around the third rail of lesbian character tropes. But according to Palmer herself, and from all evidence of her adult relationships, Dr. Lauren Lewis is a lesbian lady. No, it’s never been explicitly stated — but really no one’s sexual orientation has been explicitly stated in the Lost Girl universe. But still, there is a difference and it matters. So if there must (and I really, very much, totally wish there wasn’t) some sort of flirtation/affair/dalliance with Lauren, it should be with another woman.

Right, so off my soapbox. On with the show. Bo returns. The Spriggan and his crazy adventure and corresponding steampunk contraption was the invitation the whole time. Bo passes, so it’s welcome to The Dawning. But, oh crap, she forgot about her girlfriend at home all alone in her beautiful dress. She runs off and finds an empty apartment. And Tamsin trails behind her like a puppy. Seriously, she came with Bo to grovel to her girlfriend for missing her big award banquet? Bo asks Tamsin why she came with her on her vision quest in the first place. She makes up some excuse about never hearing the end of it if the “succulent” got hurt. Or is it really because she’s starting to likey her? Bo calls her one of the good ones and Tamsin is like, honey, you suck at this game. And gives her an awkward arm tap.

So, for those keeping score at home, in this episode Tamsin has slapped, kissed, frisked, grabbed, dragged and now non-sexually tapped Bo. Love trapezoid, how you confound us all. But even more confounding is the rain of Tarot cards that greets Tamsin as she leaves. It’s all “The Wanderer” and a distraught Valkyrie pleads “Please tell me she’s not the one” with the sinister falling skies.

KENZISM OF THE WEEK:

Nada. Nil. Zip. Zilch. Come back, Kenzi. Come back.

BOOBS O’CLOCK OF THE WEEK: Oh, to be Tamsin’s necklace. I mean, nice necklace. Or something less pervy.

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