Previously on Glee, Emma left Will at the altar, and all the sex was had that day. Spurred into action by the memory of their many failed nuptials, Rachel and Finn did (unprotected?) things to each other. Buying into the guise of “bros helping bros,” Kurt and Blaine also did things. Under the influence of much wine and even more dance floor canoodling, Quinn and Santana did scissor-type things — twice. Also, Kurt said “VapoRape” and Brittany and Santana stared forlornly at each other and Becky the Flower Girl was a modern marvel. Oh, and Brody was a gigolo.
Emma Pillsbury is looking ever so fly in a lady-tuxedo and performing a black-and-white rendition of “You Are All the World to Me” a la Fred Astaire in Royal Wedding. It’s edited together like a single take, which is almost as impressive as the fact this show has been able to keep Jayma Mays‘ voice a secret for so long. You can bet “I Do” and “Girls (And Boys) On Film” is gonna make her Emmy reel this year. It’s a great performance, but alas, it’s only happening inside Will Schuester’s head.
His very fancy heartbreak dreams inspire him to make this week’s theme: MOVIES! Girls vs. Boys in an ’80s movie mash-up skirmish. Winners get leads in Artie’s senior microbudget film, a roman à clef titled “Plague of the Noobs.”
But before they can make the gender-specific magic happen, New Directions decides to go a practice round with Shout!. The song itself — Glee‘s 500th, in case you missed the Twitter hashtag on the bottom of the screen, or the one million promos leading into this week — is fine and fun, but what’s wonderful is the balls-to-the-wall choreography, in which Blaine and Brittany lead the glee club through the whole school, hyperspeed grapevining and army crawling and hopping around the cafeteria like they’re jacked out of their minds. Obviously, the best part is Sugar Motta workin’ her swerve high atop a library table. (Girl, where you been?) But also notable is the way the whole school joins in on the tomfoolery, singing and cheering and totally forgetting the part where Sue called glee kids “subbasement” way back in the pilot.
Since Finn and Artie aren’t competing in the Girls vs. Boys movie competition, they take it upon themselves to track down Emma for Will. It’s no Blam! black ops plan, but you can’t blame them for lacking Blaine and Sam’s collective imaginations, and costume collection. They get themselves a couple of wigs and call Emma’s parents in to ask for some help bringing back the faculty adviser of the Stop Ginger Bullying club. Pretty sure J.K. Rowling already dealt with that problem when she created the Weasleys, guys. But Emma’s parents buy into their scheme, even though they’re pretty sure Emma is terrible at her job since no one ever applies to college around here until the morning college starts. They give her the address of Emma’s sister’s castle, where Emma is hiding away from Will.
The only thing ’80s-er than mashing up “Batdance” with Howard the Duck is mashing up Top Gun and Risky Business. Blaine, Artie, and Jesus are fighter pilots (Maverick, Iceman, and Goose, respectively) and Sam, Ryder, and Jake are white button-ups and whitey tighties and athletic socks. Sam is comfortable in this costume because of his stripper days. And Ryder and Jake are comfortable in these costumes because this is how they spend every Sunday together, after church. Obviously, Top Gun is the most homoerotic movie of all time, so that’s also correct. It’s a really good performance; Artie’s chair even gets used as a jet!