TV

“Chicago Fire ” recap (1.17): “Hork it back up.”

Previously on Chicago Fire Casey’s mom shacked up with her old cell mate, Severide helped Renee the First, Cruz found religion in a greeting card aisle, and Dawson, Herrmann, and Otis found Pandora’s box in their bar. Shay continued her string of the worst luck of anyone not living in Rosewood with a needlestick and HIV scare. to top it off Clarice took her place in the pantheon of terrible people by bailing on Shay and taking her baby and her slimy Slytherin heart to the concrete jungle where dreams are made of.

We have seen Leslie Elizabeth Shay do everything on this show. She’s been stuck with a needle, held at gunpoint, used an unauthorized taser, hit by a truck, and now we know she’s lost it because she’s vacuuming in the middle of the night. Her hair is crazy, she’s wearing tiny shorts as if she’s on spring break and not in Chicago in February, and slippers she stole from someone’s grandmother. Her face is beautiful, of course, but her red rimmed eyes, razor sharp cheekbones, and semi-feral gaze make her look like Spike’s little sister madly vacuuming so that it will be clean when Buffy comes over for an illicit shag. Severide stumbles downstairs in his standard issue manktop, unplugs the vacuum, and asks Shay what in god’s name she’s doing in vacuuming in the middle of the night. He says his dad is an actual hobo and he won’t notice a little dirt on the carpet. She’s too far gone to pretend that she was cleaning for Papa Severide and instead gestures wildly around the room at the black trash bags that line the walls. She says she just had to get rid of the remnants of Clarice before they come to burn sage and cleanse the apartment of her evil energy. Severide says that’s fine, he’s happy to take the garbage out when it’s not the middle of the night and Shay looks a little less like she was raised by wolves. He offers to take the crib he built with his manly hands to Goodwill but Shay pounces on him like Tigger on crack and says “leave the crib, take the cannoli.” Brace yourself because this is going to hurt. Shay says “No, the crib stays. I liked playing baby mama with that crazy bitch so I think I am ready to have a baby of my own.” She blathers about it being expensive (you have no idea) and about how she never felt such a sense of purpose or connection until she held little devil spawn in her arms. Severide tries to tell her that she shouldn’t be deciding what kind of cereal to have right now let alone about having a kid but she’s adamant, she wants that baby and she’s going to have it.

The sound you most likely heard was me, and every other lesbian in the world, screaming at our televisions. I was going to try to be measured and calm and give the benefit of the doubt on this one, I really was but mostly I feel betrayed by the show. We’re less than three minutes into the episode and we have Leslie Shay, who is the heart of this show every week, declaring that she wants to become another television lesbian cliche.

I want to see lesbians on television. I want to see lesbians being parents on television. I want there to be a world where that is possible. I am a mom. I know what it’s like to pick out sperm donors, I know what it’s like to be inseminated, I know what it’s like to carry a baby for nine months, I know what it is like to give birth. And believe me, I know the feeling Shay is talking about. Holding a kid you created is wonderful, overwhelming, and like nothing else in the world. Being a parent is fantastic and magical. It’s also mind numbing and exhausting. Parenting is an incredible adventure full of Sisyphean struggles and moments when you get the boulder far enough up the hill to cast your eyes about on the glorious view from the top. It’s a story worth telling. I believe that wholeheartedly. But this is not the place to tell it.

Leslie Shay is a fantastic character. She’s smart, sexy, strong, vulnerable, loyal, and funny as hell. To this point, she has been everything we could ask for on television. But this story line, this idea that she would panic in this way after being dumped is absurd. Yes, she’s a caring, nurturing person who seems to have a gigantic heart and unlimited capacity to love. But having her want a baby, because Clarice took her baby with her to New York feels wrong, misguided, and like lazy storytelling. Believe me, I hope I am wrong. I hope the show pulls out of this particular nose dive but for now, I am angry and stunned that the show would go down this cliche-laden path with a character who has been anything but a cliche.

Back to the episode. Benny Severide is wandering the firehouse garage looking like a guy who was a big shot in high school who comes back to relive the glory days. He’s Buddy Garrity in a Carhart jacket. Severide walks out and gives his dad a hug and his face says “nice ensemble, what a homeless.” Benny says that he’s proud and humbled to see his son in the same house that was his. The bar consortium has opened the box and Herrmann is freaking out because inside it they found a piece of paper that may give another person a half stake in the bar they bought. Mouch sits on the couch giving helpful advice about how they never should have opened the safe in the first place. Dawson finds another pretty box and wants to open it too. Please go talk to Shay about all the pretty boxes she too could be exploring. All the single ladies are asking you to do this service to the lesbian community. Before she gets a chance to open it, a call goes out that there’s a “smoke eater” in the house and they rush out to say hello to Papa Severide.

Mills carries Papa’s bag and Benny and Boden sniff each others butts and insult each other in that awkward way that makes everyone around them unsure if they are being friendly or warming up to rip each other’s throats out. They are called out and Severide invites Buddy Garrity to ride along for old time’s sake.

The call is to a warehouse where there was a rave and someone caused a panic by throwing smoke canisters at the DJ booth. There’s a horrible scene of people smashed in the doorway, unable to get out because they all stampeded for the exit. While the rest of the crew gets the people out from behind the exit, Severide climbs a pipe on the side of the building like a squirrel to rescue a woman who climbed out the window. She slips and he hangs onto her with his miracle arm until the ladder arrives.

When they get back to the station Severide’s dad waxes poetic about the unpredictable nature of firefighting and all the brothers he lost to fires over his career. Severide offers that maybe he should take the Debbie Downer routine back to the apartment and stop bumming everyone out. Benny says he’s fine before staring a hole in Peter Mills. Methinks this is an ultra subtle hint that he knows something about how Daddy Mills died.

Casey gets a call that he has a visitor at the front of the house and it’s Heather Darden, the widow of the firefighter they blew up in the first episode. Remember him? It feels like we’ve had seven seasons of episodes since then. She says she’s invited to go to the Academy dinner but hates going alone because she hates all the attention and free drinks she gets for being a widow. Instead she asks if she can be a third wheel for Casey and Hallie. He informs her that they broke up ages ago and she tries to look surprised and not like she didn’t want Casey to herself all along. He invites her to go to the dinner with him because he’s such a good guy and escorting widows is sort of his wheelhouse.

Shay and Dawson are hanging out in the back of the ambulance talking about sperm donors and it would be really cute if they were a couple and if Shay wasn’t 50 shades of crazy. Shay has color coded the donors by college degree and by major. Those who majored in rocks for jocks have their own category. Dawson tries to arrange her face in a way that doesn’t say “Leslie Elizabeth Shay you have lost your damn mind” but instead she says “I just need a moment to digest this all.” Shay, who has not lost her powers of perception, responds with “well you look like you’re going to hork it back up.” Dawson gently asks if this is the right time to be having a baby and Shay tells her she’s not asking for her permission to reproduce, she just wants a little help picking out her baby making ingredients. Most of the time I would applaud Shay for telling Dawson she doesn’t need her blessing to make glorious little Shaybies but in this case, honey, Dawson just thinks you are off your head. She’s not questioning your skills as a mother, just the fact that maybe this isn’t the rebound any of us hoped to see. Dawson is thrilled to see Otis at the back of the rig asking if they can open the box yet. The second secret of the box is that it holds Clifford Baylor’s Silver Star. Looks like it’s time to play find that war hero. Poor Herrmann looks like he might hork everything back up too.

Dawson finds Mills chopping carrots and looking forlorn in the kitchen. He says he knows he’s acting like a five-year-old but he’s jealous that Severide’s dad can come hang out at the firehouse and his dad isn’t around anymore. Dawson telling him that his dad would be really proud. It’s a sweet moment until Cruz walks in the room and Dawson and Mills jump apart like a couple of lesbians caught holding hands in church.

Boden and Benny have a nice little chat in the bathroom about what Peter Mills knows about his father’s death. Boden insists that Big Mills died a hero and Benny is like “bitch, please, don’t insult me.” Boden glares and tells Benny that the subject isn’t going to come up unless Benny brings it up. Papa Severide acts innocent and says, I’m just here to bond with my son and relive my glory days for a week before I go back to my hobo camp with Smokey Lonesome and the boys. Mills asks Shay if she would like some food and she waves her fork at him and informs him that she is preparing her body to be a temple to health and fertility and will only be eating fruit and vegetables from now on as she prepares for the journey of motherhood. Because when the going gets tough (for writers) lesbians get pregnant. Herrmann gives her shit about eating healthy and she stands up, straightens her little jacket and gives a nice little speech about how proud she is of her decision to be inseminated and how happy she is not to be hiding it from them because she’s proud to be planning on getting pregnant and proud to be looking at sperm donors and did she mention she’s proud and sure of her decision? Dawson frowns at her crazy friend, and the others shrug and return to their gossiping about the bar. Casey saunters over to do his best Finn Hudson impression and tells Shay that he thinks it’s a great plan, clearly well thought out, and she totally has his blessing. Oh thanks useless straight, white, dude, I definitely needed your permission for this fools errand.

Dawson gives Severide her best “dude your roommate is crazy, let’s chat outside” nod and they head out of the room to chat. Dawson is worried and Severide reminds her of the last time Clarice dumped Shay. They watched a guy draw a dragon tattoo on her back for an hour before Shay backed out. Dawson says this feels different, more cliche than even a dragon tattoo. Dawson thinks Shay seems serious and Severide, the idiot, says “so she has a kid, so what?” Please let my parents never have said “so we have a kid, so what?” when contemplating adding me to the family. It’s not a tattoo, it’s not a puppy, it’s a kid. You can’t have it removed, you can’t have a neighbor come over twice a day to feed it and take it for walks. It’s a tiny human.

Otis and Herrmann have a heart warming chat about the bar through a bathroom stall door. It’s gross and I’m going to just highlight the important stuff. The guy from whom they bought the bar had a falling out with Clifford forty years ago and hasn’t heard from him. So they just need to find him, give him back his medal, and hope he doesn’t want half the bar. These guys always have the best plans.

Dawson and Mills are enjoying a romantic chat by the festering garbage behind the station. Mills asks if Dawson wants to go to the Academy dinner with him and his mom. Nothing says romance like a night out with your mom chaperoning like you’re going to a seventh grade dance and then to DQ afterward. They decide to come out as a couple at the Academy dinner and they are cute and goofy and as nervous as I was the first time I brought my girlfriend to our hockey formal. Ahh young lesbians.

This romantic moment is interrupted by a Shawson call out to an apartment where a guy has gone blind. In the course of examining him they discover that he can’t see because he has been shot in the head. While they are asking him if he shot himself another shot comes through the floor taking the life of a lamp. They get him out to the rig and Shay goes back in to help the guy in the apartment below who has also been shot. She works on him until the second ambulance arrives. She’s about to leave when she hears a baby cry. She goes looking through the apartment and finds a little guy in a back room. Her face is a riot of concern and happiness as she picks him up and soothes him. Dawson comes looking for Shay and is about to tell her to get her ass in the ambulance when she stumbles on the Madonna con Bambino. Shay and the baby coo at each other and Dawson’s expression softens. She averts her gaze because sometimes it’s hard to look at someone in this sort of exposed, intimate moment without feeling awkward. Outside, Shay watches as the baby is taken in by the police and children’s services. She turns as she hears the mother (who also appears to have been the shooter) screaming “don’t you take my baby.” Shay’s face betrays her feelings about having a baby taken from her, even if Wesley wasn’t hers. Shay certainly has the look of a woman desperate to have a baby.

Mills and Dawson are enjoying a little afternoon delight. Dawson says she thinks she prefers day sex for some reason and Peter Mills is not one to disagree. But he’s miles away from her, thinking about his dad, and the information he found playing Nancy Drew at the Fire Academy archives. He thinks it’s weird that his dad, Boden, and Papa Severide were all in the same house and no one will talk to him about his father. It’s almost like they are hiding something, kid.

Mills’ mom is waiting in a restaurant when Boden walks in. They exchange awkward smiles and she’s doing an unconscious Freudian thing with the stem of her wine glass. She demands to know what Benny is doing in town and Boden’s a little hurt that she doesn’t want to chat with him about anything else but Severide’s dad. She’s freaking out that Benny is going to be at the dinner and that he might say something that would hurt Peter. She wants him to try to stop Benny from saying anything. She asks him “do you really not care if it all comes out?” Man, I hope whatever it is, it’s juicy and doesn’t involve pregnant lesbians.

At the home of Shay and Severide, Benny’s making awkward conversation. “So, lesbian, huh?” are his actual words and Severide is mortified but no worries it gets weirder. “You guys have come a long way with marriage rights and the like.” Shay gives an amused nod of agreement as her face screams get me out of this conversation. No such luck, sweetie. “Tough growing up?” She says no and then tries to plug the Chicago Fire writers lesbian street cred by saying that two things that are tough growing up gay are confusion and lack of acceptance. She didn’t have any trouble with either, so smooth sailing. Hand these folks a GLAAD award! Severide is as embarrassed as a school kid whose parent make a big deal of giving hugs and kisses at the schoolhouse door. Benny’s not done, he wants to know if Shay can help find Kelly a good woman. Here’s a tip Benny, Shay couldn’t find a good woman for herself and ended up back with Cruella. Dad offers to set Kelly up at the Academy dinner and Severide panics and asks Shay to be his date. She tries to get out of it by saying she’ll be boring since she’s not drinking and he realizes what every non-pregnant partner realizes; pregnant ladies are all-time designated drivers, enjoy it while you can.

Shay wanders off and Papa says he is going to make more of an effort to leave the campground to spend time with his son. It’s sweet until he tells Severide to make sure that Mills can be trusted before he lets him on Squad. All this hinting and passive aggressive bullshit feels like a cocktail party with my relatives. Spit it out, people.

They are all called out to a car accident. The driver is missing but there is a crushed bike messenger under the car and a hurt passenger. Mills finds the driver staring down at the river, preparing to jump. Mills talks him down, assuring him that the bike guy is fine. It’s a lie but it keeps the guy from jumping.

Back at the house Mills is feeling proud of himself and Dawson is proud of her little puppy too. Mills tells her that he can’t wait to come out as a couple and they do it right there is the halls. Poor Otis gets an eyeful of them making out and Casey just wants to go to the bathroom without having to see them suck face. When they are done, Otis calls Dawson in for another meeting of the bar brain trust.

Herrmann opens the meeting by asking if Mills is okay since Dawson needed to give him mouth-to-mouth. Otis found Clifford Baylor’s address so he thought they would mail the medal to the guy. Dawson leans back in her seat and tells these two dipwads that they are going to hand-deliver the medal and make sure everything about the bar is on the level because the dude they bought the place from is as slippery as an eel and it’s the right thing to do. Mills runs out to talk to Severide and asks permission to have a drink with Benny. It’s cute that he wants permission to date his father and everything but Severide doesn’t want to play matchmaker. He’s like, ask him yourself dude, I’m not his social secretary. Mills admits that he just wants to know how his dad died. The three bar-keteers are at the nursing home and they speak to Clifford. He’s thrilled to have the medal back. When they ask about the contract Clifford says the other guy, Spiro, got the bar and he got the girl. Spiro never thought Clifford and the lady would last but they made it forty years together. They are about to go but Dawson wants to know the lady’s name. The next scene is these three wheeling Clifford out to the bar to unveil that they named the bar “Molly’s” after his wife.

Finally, we’re at the much-talked-about dinner. Shay looks incredible. I have a lifetime love of ladies in their everyday clothes but Leslie Shay cleans up really nicely. She tries to steal a sip from Severide’s drink but he tells her no, she’s got to keep it clean for the bun she’s planning to put in her oven and she thanks him for backing her up on the idiotic plan. Just a tip, if drinking alone prevented pregnancy think how many fewer babies would be born to ugly men? Beer goggles are a real thing, people.

They run into Casey and Darden’s widow. Their meeting diffuses all the weirdness between Severide and Mrs. Darden from the first few episodes. Casey sees Dawson and Mills at a table and exchanges waves with Dawson. Mills asks his mom if she knows Benny Severide, “you know he worked with dad.” Yeah she knows dude and the slug of her drink she just downed should be a clue to back off.

Mills meets Casey at the bar and Casey gets very serious and says “treat her right.” Ugh, these guys are so annoying with their man of few words nonsense. It doesn’t feel fraught with emotion, it just feels like another attempt to show that Casey is such a good guy. Boring.

The Chief is giving a speech to open the evening. He talks about tradition binding them all together. He singles out Mills for his bold actions to save the jumper and that it reminded him of Mills’ father who died a hero. Benny has heard enough and he gets up and leaves the room while the Chief talks about heroes and how they are born that way (oh hi, Lady Gaga). Dawson runs into Benny and then witnesses his interaction with Boden. He tells Boden he doesn’t like to listen to fairy tales anymore. Benny tells Boden that Mills took unnecessary risks to prove himself to the man, Boden, who was sleeping with his wife. Ah, and it all becomes clear. Poor Dawson is stuck in the middle as Benny says Henry Mills told him about the affair and Boden threatens to knock Benny out if he doesn’t leave. Dawson looks like she wishes the earth would swallow her whole. Heather and Casey are sitting in his truck and she lunges across the car and kisses him. He kisses her back and this looks like a nice little mess to clean up with the show returns on March 20.

Here are a few of the #ShaycagoFire tweets that had me laughing last night. All right, let’s talk about Shay and the pregnant lesbian trope. What are your thoughts?

Lesbian Apparel and Accessories Gay All Day sweatshirt -- AE exclusive

Related Articles

Leave a Reply

Back to top button