Welcome to the 2013 Academy Awards. I tell you this because what with all the singing and dancing and appearance of Kristin Chenoweth everywhere you might have confused it for the Tonys momentarily. But, no, it was indeed the Oscars and there were awards and musical numbers and bad jokes and better speeches and the world’s most endearing fall.
The show’s host was Family Guy creator and wanna be Broadway star Seth MacFarlane. He started the show by, wait for it, singing a song about seeing the boobs of Oscar-nominated actresses. Let me repeat, he sang a song called “We Saw Your Boobs.” I’m a gay lady who loves seeing boobs and that made me never want to see boobs again.
William Shatner shows up in the opening number as Captain Kirk because, I’m not really sure and probably now neither is he. And then there was more singing and more dancing and Charlize Theron and Channing Tatum came out and danced together, giving AfterEllen and AfterElton readers a reason to care about the show again.
p.s. Charlize’s new short cut? We want to marry it an live happily ever after together.
After what seemed like an eternity, over 20 minutes, the real show finally began and the first real award was handed out. It was Best Supporting Actor otherwise known as the If Christoph Waltz is Working With Quentin Tarantino He Automatically Gets the Award award.
The first high-investment award of the night (at least from my perspective) was Best Animated Feature. This year my heart was split between Pixar’s first feature with a female lead Brave and the sweet video game hero’s journey of Wreck-It Ralph. Brave won, which I can’t fault – and hopefully will prompt the animation studio to make even more and better female-centered films – but darn it if I didn’t want Ralph to get that gold medal, too.
The Avengers came out to present the awards for cinematography and visual effects. But Scarlett Johansson wasn’t there so, really, what’s the point? Though we did learn during the acceptance speeches that the Academy decided to use the Jaws theme music to play off long-winded winners. Which was pretty fun at first, but ultimately pretty damn rude.
The schizophrenic evening that couldn’t tell if it was a song-and-dance show or frat-house kegger included the hosts telling jokes about women being difficult, women getting the flu to diet, women becoming victims of domestic violence and a gay joke just for good measure. The night also included a tribute to James Bond movies. Halle Berry came out to introduce the segment, and uttered the words “Pussy Galore” which should now be every lesbian’s ringtone. Frequent Bond crooner Shirley Bassey came out and belted “Goldfinger” and we all felt a little nostalgic for smoking jackets and retro misogyny. Though we were also confused by Halle’s dress. Are big shoulder pads back? Really?
Then the show got confused and thought it was the Tony’s again when John Travolta and his toupee came out and introduced three consecutive musical numbers. First “All That Jazz” from Chicago by Catherine Zeta-Jones. She looked great, but that musical is 11 years old. And then “And I Am Telling You I’m Not Going” from Dreamgirls by Jennifer Hudson. JHud sounded and looked stunning, but, again, what’s with all the musical numbers? And then, finally, Oscars got to the point and the cast of Les Misérables came out and sang a medley. Well, Russell Crowe tried to sing, poor dear.