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“Lost Girl” Recap (3.06): Darkest Before The Dawning

Previously on Lost Girl: A drifter on the run from herself stumbles across an ancient supernatural species that lives among the humans and divides itself into Light and Dark. She realizes she is one of them, yet different, and bonds with an equally different, yet very human grifter and they form a special friendship and solve mysteries together. And these BFFs were the BFFiest of BFFs until one day an UnKenzi came along and took the real Kenzi’s place and no one knew it but Bo. And that’s what you missed on Lost Girl. So no one believes UnKenzi isn’t Kenzi. Not Trick, not Dyson, nor Tamsin, not Lauren. That last one is particularly problematic, but we’ll get back to that in depth later. Instead of believing Bo. everyone believes UnKenzi because, well, I’m not exactly sure. Probably because Bo does a piss poor job of explaining why she doesn’t think it was her. Hey, how about you mention UnKenzi eating peanuts in front of you despite her deadly peanut allergy instead of just saying some jazz about feeling it in your heart? Sheesh.

Dyson and an eager Tamsin lock Bo in the basement under Trick’s command. Then Trick yells at Dyson for good measure because his only job was to protect her and instead he broke her heart, lost his love for her and then gained it back at the most inopportune. While they argue about who should be protecting a woman who currently only needs to be protected from them, another woman who knows how to handle herself is sensing something fishy about UnKenzi. The woman who most distrusts Bo believing her the most? Now that, Alanis Morissette, is actually ironic. Lauren comes to visit Bo in her makeshift prison. But then instead of supporting her innocence, offering a steamy conjugal visit and promising to wait for her while she does her dime in county, Lauren steadies her gaze and says calmly that she needs to take a DNA sample. And not in the fun way. With that Bo deflates entirely, as does the fandom. Not Lauren, too. Anyone but Lauren.

Lauren says letting her run her tests is the only way she knows how to help Bo. But Bo, and all of us, know that isn’t true. And she can’t understand why Lauren wouldn’t believe her. Sure, Bo has acted up, forgotten things, succu-smashed some unsavory fellows. But has she really done anything so heinous yet to warrant Lauren siding entirely against her, even in an effort to save her from herself? Yeah, something tells me her pubococcygeus muscle might be getting a whole lot more rest, this time of the unwanted variety. Bo reinforces this fear and says coldly, “I will never forgive you for this.” Shit, so it was fun while it lasted, Team Doccubus. We’ll always have winning the E! Online 2013 Top TV Couples Poll to remember our beautiful time together by — and, of course, the commemorative T-shirts. But, Lauren, who is now speaking as a surrogate for all of fandom, stoically replies, “Well, I hope that’s not true.”

Lauren asks for some time to figure things out. And Bo says sure, with one critical caveat. “If Kenzi dies it’s on you. I just want you to know that, sweetie.” If words were weapons, that sweetie would be a long, cold dagger driven straight into our tender, tender hearts. Speaking of tender hearts, our little tough yet tender cookie Kenzi — the real Kenzi not the UnKenzi fooling all of the fools — is chained up in some dank cave. UnKenzi saunters in and we’re all, “See! See! Imposter! Fraud! UnKenzi!” Alas, no one can hear our cries because technology still hasn’t found a way to let us communicate with fictional characters by yelling at our TVs — yet.

Fauxzi boasts about her BFF status with everyone and Kenzi assures her that Bo and Dyson will save her. Hey, I thought you were at least on a friendship bracelet level with Lauren now. Why couldn’t she be part of the rescue brigade, too?

But UnKenzi is too busy complaining about how humans need to eat every day (greedy), copying real Kenzi’s every move (creepy) and licking her essence off of her hand (gross) to care. See, this is why I always carry Purell. UnKenzi leaves real Kenzi with her foot in a trap and some extras from The Walking Dead chained up outside. And as if that wasn’t tragedy enough, poor Kenzi’s eyeliner is running something terrible. UnKenzi returns to Bo with a tub of coconut ice cream and it’s the final straw because, seriously, who likes coconut ice cream? Instead that clever tiny human has found a way to trick UnKenzi while simultaneously telling her BFF she’s still alive and waiting to get rescued. This displeases UnKenzi greatly and she bares her sharp little pin fangs at Bo. Man, those things must be murder on toothbrushes. I hope she buys them in bulk. But before she can give her choppers a real test, Dyson walks in. UnKenzi cries wolf to the wolf and he leads her away from the big bad Bo. He tests her, a little, asking about the Norn and the chainsaw. She seems to have all the answers so he’s satisfied that she’s the real deal. And he tells her she can crash at his pad. Be less helpful, dude.

Um, total side note, is it just me or did UnKenzi have some kind of breast augmentation? Because while real Kenzi may have shown off the girls, I never remembered them being this, um, rotund. Kudos once again, Lost Girl wardrobe department. Week after week you continue to find new and ingenious ways to defy gravity. A grateful lesbian nation thanks you. Right, sorry, the plot. The Morrigan pays Tamsin a visit. She is her normal deliciously evil self, and we all wonder why more people don’t choose the Dark. Then she orders a reluctant Tamsin to wake a man Bo attacked out of his coma rendering him a vegetable for the rest of his life. Oh, right, that’s why. She also hints at a dubious and mysterious past for Bo’s greatest frenemy. Pour me a glass of bubbly and tell me more, Mo.

Tamsin perfectly illustrates the “enemy of my enemy is my friend” philosophy and goes to help Bo in defiance of the Morrigan. She breaks Bo-Bo out of the po-po so they can rescue the real Kenzi. But before they can they have to get past Mr. Helpful. Dyson says they’ll have to get through him and Tamsin proves once again why she is pretty much the best ever by saying, “If there’s one thing I hate it’s a man getting in the way of what I want — it’s so retro.” And then she goes all Valkyrie on Dyson’s ass, which involves turning her face into a freaky Halloween skeleton mask. It works and Dyson gets filled with doubt. But it comes at a price because a large lock of her lovely locks falls out. Do they make Fae Rogaine? Tamsin, her face back to it’s normal flawless self, tells Bo that UnKenzi is probably a Kitsune, a fox Fae. One of my great pleasures week-after-week is Googling each new Fae species to find out what mythological character it is based on. I wonder if the writers’ room has contests to see who can find the weirdest creatures each week. Or maybe they just randomly flip through The Big Book of Things That Go Bump In The Night and pick whatever page it lands on.

Lauren returns with the test results for Trick but deems them “baffling.” She says some doctor stuff but the upshot is Bo’s cells are dying and even I don’t have to search Web MD to know that’s bad. Trick asks her what the margin of error is because science isn’t always exact and Dr. Lewis politely tells him to shove it where the sun don’t shine. Politely. But grampa won’t let up insisting she missed something. So Lauren shoots back, “I know the biochemical anatomy of my girlfriend.” Question her science, that’s one thing. Question her knowledge of her girlfriend’s anatomy and you, sir, will get a very strained smile grimace. To find Kenzi, Bo and Tamsin head to a sorority house because who doesn’t like hot co-eds in tank tops? They’re all Kitsune, like UnKenzi, and used to be her Gamma Chi sisters until they kicked her out for burning down their den. Yadda yadda yadda — Tamsin made her doubt her friendships and convinced her to visit the Norn where, surprise surprise, the old crone tricked her and took her glamour powers and then bottled them up where they stayed until Kenzi spilled them on her arm and absorbed them so then she stalked her to get them back. Yet another good reason to never pledge a sorority. Back at the Dal, Trick and Lauren find a groggy Dyson and no Bo. They send him home to rest off his doubt. What he finds instead is UnKenzi in his shower. And then, you guessed it, UnKenzi goes all Single White Female on Dyson. She uses his face as a wolfpop and he and finally realizes how UnKenzi this Kenzi really is. Dyson and UnKenzi get growly with each other. And the next thing we know Lauren is rushing in with her kit and Dyson has a limp and dead imposter in his arms. He’s freaking out and yelling and crying. But Lauren remains cool and relies on her friend science to test the body. The results show UnKenzi was indeed Fae. Now it’s her turn to freak out — but internally. This is Lauren, people. Dyson grabs her up in a hug, grateful for certainty and science. But they both know they’ve screwed up. I would imagine they’re both going to be calling a florist to order the biggest, “I’m sorry I didn’t believe you because you were totally right” bouquets they can find.

In the woods, Bo is sniffing out (a new, weird superpower) the clay cave where Kenzi is being kept and struggling to keep up with Tamsin. She also demands a little more of her backstory, and gets just that — a little. Tamsin was a bounty hunter, but pissed off the wrong people and got a special assignment as a cop. But Bo is so weak she can’t keep up and collapses. Still she keeps trying because Kenzi makes her feel normal and special at the same time, she’s her heart. So Tamsin — touched by this but way too tough to admit it — let’s Bo feed off her so she can carry on. Look, I’m steadfastly, unwaveringly Team Doccubus. But, dammit, if Copubus isn’t all kinds of hot. Also, apparently, tasty. Bo says she’s never tasted chi like Tamsin’s. It’s incredible, but different. And it gives her the lift she needs to find the real Kenzi, kill the assorted ghouls and emerge triumphant — with a little assist from a penitent wolf. Tamsin looks at them, these friends who save each other time and time again, and once again it touches her. Not such a Tin Man after all. After a hamburger, and second hamburger, the original and only Kenziest Kenzi is asleep on the couch under Lauren’s watchful care. Then Lauren turns those big remorseful puppy dog eyes onto Bo and admits how much she screwed up. Bo says she can’t right now, but that it’s OK. I mean, really, who can resist those baby browns? In a hospital room elsewhere, some icy blues are being fixed on a guy in a coma. Tamsin works some mojo and wakes him up, much to his excruciating pain. She asks him if Bo was his attacker and he confirms it, then she lets him die. Outside the eager Morrigan is waiting for confirmation as well. But Tamsin won’t give it. The Morrigan calls it a bold move, in that not-really-a-compliment way. Looks like someone just went from Bo’s fenemy to bona fide friend.

The rest of the We Were Wrong Club arrives at Kenzi’s couchside. And now it’s time to talk about what they were actually right about, which was that something is wrong with Bo. Her cells are dying and being replaced by other cells. It’s The Dawning, an ancient Fae evolution that’s happening 200 years too soon for her. Such an overachiever, that one. Trick says it’s not something for humans to understand, but Lauren is like you have got to be kidding. And he concedes she, and Bo, must know everything. Dude, about time. If you’d told everyone everything in the first place we wouldn’t have needed like at least a season and a half of confusion. So Trick takes them down to the even deeper depths of the Dal where he has locked up a snarly, rabid creature. This is what happens if you don’t pass The Dawning. You devolve into an under Fae. But, no worries, Fae have like 200 years to rigorously plan and practice for this rite of passage. Oh, wait. Just kidding. Hey, anyone have The Dawning Cliffs Notes?

BOOBS O’CLOCK OF THE WEEK:

If only Tamsin was wearing a V-neck. KENZISM OF THE WEEK:

Even when chained up and starving, a girl has her standards.

“If you’re going to rip off my look at least respect the Kenzi brand.”

Lesbian Apparel and Accessories Gay All Day sweatshirt -- AE exclusive

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