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“Glee” recap 4.14: The Bitch-Goddess Spectrum

Previously on Glee, Finn’s evolution into the actual person of Will Schuester reached completion when he kissed Emma’s face right on the lips. Tina’s very misplaced crush on very gay Blaine reached very unacceptable heights when she roofied him with NyQuil and climbed aboard his body for some VapoRubbin’ creep times. Kurt took his rightful place at the right hand of God atop NYADA’s Iron Throne. And Santana moved her perfect ass right into Kurt and Rachel’s Bushwick loft.

It’s Valentine’s Day and the reason you know it’s Valentine’s Day is because Glee‘s writers have penned us all a little love letter and it looks like this: Finn Hudson shouting at top volume, “I’M THE WORST PERSON IN THE WORLD.” What has prompted such an accurate and heart-warming confession? It’s time for Will and Emma’s wedding and Finn’s feeling like a real prick for kissing his best friend’s future wife. Rachel tells him not to tell Will, and Emma tells him not to tell Will, and so he doesn’t tell Will. Not so in tune to the needs of his bride-to-be is Mr. Schue himself, who ignores her frantic pleas for emotional support so he can reconnect with his glee club. He tells them they’ll be singing at the wedding, which, for some inexplicable reason, surprises them. Even the ones who were present in the swimming pool when he walked on water and proposed.

But before the wedding shenanigans can get underway – and oh, there will be shenanigans; sexy, sexy shenanigans – the Ryder-Marley-Jake love triangle needs a second to breathe. The deal is that Jake doesn’t know how to do whatever rom-com thing teenage girls expect on Valentine’s Day, but Ryder does, which actually makes perfect sense because now that I’m really looking at him, he seems like just the kind of guy that secretly has the Meg Ryan/Tom Hanks triple threat Blu-ray box set stashed under his mattress. (Joe Versus the Volcano, Sleepless in Seattle, You’ve Got Mail) Jake opts for interrupting history class to serenade Marley with “You’re All I Need to Get By.” It’s cute. I don’t know if anyone in the world actually cares about these characters. But it’s cute.

Wemma Wedding Day. Brittany and Sam are snuggled up a few pews in front of Santana. They threeway wave at each all awkward and semi-forlorn, but it’s hard to feel anything other than delight when the camera pans back to reveal Quinn Fabray shoulder-to-shoulder with Santana, fixing her lipstick and quoting Gloria Steinem. They share a makeup mirror and a general hatred for their fellow human beings and the knowledge that their combined hotness could make even a supernova burn out hard and bright in a jealous huff of steam.

Artie introduces himself to Emma’s niece, Ali Stroker. She blows him off because she thinks he’s a nerd, but what she doesn’t know is that he’s a nerd with aspirations of global domination and some sweet, sweet dance moves.

Outside, the sun is shining. The birds are singing. The grass is – holy hell, Kurt and Blaine are fully making out in the backseat of a car! What! WHAT! OK, so Kurt is on top of Blaine, just kissing him and grinning at him and babbling adorably about how this doesn’t mean they’re back together and Adam’s Apples or whatever, and Blaine is smiling back at Kurt like Christmas morning agreeing with whatever words are coming out of his mouth. “Yeah, yeah, we’re just bros helping bros.” Lips are sucked, breaths are gasped, shirts are tugged, bowties are stroked, Tumblrs are exploded. There’s a knock on the car door. It’s upside-down Mercedes. She needs arm-gays. GO AWAY, MERCEDES! GO! WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH YOU!

Er, sorry. No. I’m always glad to see Mercedes. I miss her. I do miss her. I was caught in a moment. Well, so Kurt and Blaine climb out of the car, legitimately trying to hide their boners – like, that’s actually a thing that is happening on-screen that is not my imagination. Gay guys like to have sex and also they have erections and there’s no reason not to talk about it because it’s as normal as every other sex thing you see on TV every ten minutes, is what Fox just told me.

Inside the chapel, Emma is readying her veil in the mirror when Sue Sylvester steps up behind her wearing an exact replica of her wedding dress. It’s amazing. Everything Jane Lynch does in this episode is amazing. She plops down in a chair and starts munching on appetizers and sipping champagne and clowning on Will and Finn’s love affair. Obviously, Emma ditches her own wedding, because she was always going to ditch her own wedding, but it’s hard to be sad about it because it results in three breathtaking things right in a row:

1) Jayma Mays absolutely slaying “(Not) Getting Married Today.”

2) Becky the Flower Girl marching down the aisle pelting everyone in the face with rose petals.

3) Brittany legitimately going, “You look so good!” and snapping a photo of Sue as she twirls down the aisle in Emma’s gown.

Will and Finn commiserate about how their womens keep leaving them at the altar and, like, what if it’s not the womens who are the problem? What if it’s actually them? Santana busts up their tearful embrace – “No, Mr. Schue, you are the best guy in the whole world!” “No, Finn. No. You are.” – to ask if there’s going to be a reception or what. Emma’s parents are already knee-deep in champagne and since they’re the ones who paid for it, maybe all the Old New Directions can hang out for a while and get tipsy and get laid? Will gives it a go.

I can’t be sure, but there’s a very real chance that what I’m going to write about next never happened in the real world on real TV. I may have fallen through some kind of vortex at fanficiton.net and now I’m recapping my own gay fever dreams.

At the reception, Santana takes one look at Brittany and Sam dancing and drags Quinn to the bar where they both whip out fake IDs from their cleavage. Santana is giving a thumbs up in her fake ID photo and Quinn’s is cloaked in a gay pride flag. And then:

Santana: We always were two ends of the same bitch-goddess spectrum. Maybe that’s why we love each other so much. And slap each other.

Quinn: Hmm. You know, I have to say, Rosario, you are killing it in that dress.

Quinn touches Santana’s arm that way that means “second base, at least” and Santana’s face is like: “Really?!” But also: “Finally.”

Also finally: Kurt and Blaine are back on stage together, dueting on “Just Can’t Get Enough.” It is clearly something they practiced in their pajamas in the mirror on more than one occasion because their choreography is flawless and so is their harmony. By the end of the song, Blaine is practically draped around Kurt’s shoulders, and Santana and Quinn are tipsy as hell, and Rachel and Finn are doing whatever dance they’ve been doing since the pilot, and Artie and Ali Stroker are wheeling around in a euphoric haze. The stage is set for sexin’, is what I am saying.

Blaine offers Kurt some punch and Kurt accepts under the condition that it’s “just friends” punch. Blaine kins of rolls his eyes, like, “Whatever you need to tell yourself, buddy” and skips off, leaving Kurt alone with some baby cupcakes and a very angry Cohen-Chang. She rails at him for like five minutes about how he doesn’t deserve Blaine’s affection and Kurt is, once again, the actual voice of fandom: “Oh, Tina, I say this with total love, but the moment we all saw was coming is here. You’re a hag. You’re hagged out. You’re in love with Blaine and it’s creepy. Stop.” And just when you thought he’d peaked on amazingness, he raises the bar even higher by saying the word, “VapoRape.”

Sue takes it upon herself to toss Emma’s wedding bouquet, but first she gives a speech about the gross commercialism of Valentine’s Day while Santana nods sagely in the background. Santana and Quinn are too busy canoodling to pay attention to the bouquet, and even though Sam is wringing his hands and hoping, it is Rachel Berry whose false dreams and ridiculous expectations are enabled by catching the magical flowers. If you think Finn uses it as an excuse to say the word “endgame” out loud to Rachel, you are correct. But the most important thing isn’t the talky words; it’s the singy words. Because singy words lead to slow-dance montages and slow-dance montages lead to sexy-times.

The song is Bob Seger‘s “We’ve Got Tonight.” Blaine is wrapped around Kurt and Quinn is wrapped around Santana, both of them in more than “just friends” ways. But just to make it clear, Quinn pulls back from Santana and says, “I’ve never slow-danced with a girl before; I like it.”

Finn and Rachel take their duet to the busiest hotel hallway in the world. First, they run down it singing about how they’re gonna do it so good, and then:

Kurt and Blaine shuffle down the hallway, Blaine smiling wider than we’ve seen in months.

Kurt: “I know it’s late and I know you’re weary.”

Blaine: “I know your plans don’t include me.”

Kurt’s hands: [Pull Blaine into the room by his tie.]

Kurt’s face: [Bro, you’ve got no idea what kind of plans I’ve got for you.]

Santana and Quinn run down the hallway, falling all over each other and giggling about how fucking perfect they are.

Quinn: We’ve got tonight.

Santana: Who needs tomorrow?

Quinn’s face: [Who needs a penis?]

Santana’s face: [Not me and not you.]

Oh, Glee, let’s make it last! Let’s find a way!

Also doing it: Ali Stroker and Artie, Rachel and Finn. Not doing it: Jake and Marley. Because Jake is saving himself for Ryder.

After all the sexes, Kurt gets dressed while Blaine sits on the bed and says, “Tell me again how we’re not back together.” Kurt tries to tell him, but with exactly zero conviction. And Blaine calls him on it: “Don’t. I’m not going to let you minimize this, Kurt. It’s no accident that we were together on Christmas and again on Valentine’s Day. And we’re going to be together for many, many more, no matter how much you pretend that this doesn’t mean anything.” Blaine puts Kurt’s jacket on him, dusts off his shoulders, and when Kurt says he’ll meet him downstairs, leaps backwards onto the bed making a face like one of those tiny cupcakes Kurt loves so goddamn much.

And over in Santana and Quinn’s room: Quinn falls back onto the bed in slow-motion all blissed out smiles and bed head. She goes, “So that’s why college girls experiment.” And Santana says, “And thank God they do.” They’re so sexy right now I can’t even handle it. It’s seems so natural for them to be like this, right? Like, of course it finally happened. Or maybe I just wanted it to happen for so long it feels right to me? Or maybe I did this exact same thing, wedding and all, one time or two times or ten times or something when I was figuring my own sexuality out. Quinn starts hedging her bets about how it was a one-time thing, but Santana tells her to calm down. It’s a U-Haul-free zone up in here. She says, “You could walk out first. Or, we could make it a two-time thing?” Quinn smirks, takes a sip of water, and lunges back across the bed.

Back at McKinley, Blaine and Kurt tell Tina they’re going to find her an actual, not-gay boyfriend. Marley tells Ryder she knows that he was behind Jake’s Valentine’s Day gifts. And Finn tells Will to get out there and drag Emma home to his cave by her hair. Back in Bushwick, Brody tells Rachel he spent two days decorating the loft for Valentine’s Day. A flashback, however, says that Brody is a prostitute. And a flashforward says that Brody is a father. (Better start hooking double-time, guy!)

The finale montage is “Anything Can Happen,” and after seeing Glee give gay and lesbian viewers the equal sexytime treatment they’ve been begging for for ages, I’m actually starting to believe that might be true.

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