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“Pretty Little Liars” recap 3.19: Whiskey Lullaby

I’m sorry this recap is a shorter and a later than usual. Hopefully, I’ll be up and running again before next week’s Paige-apalooza.

Previously on Pretty Little Liars, Spencer carved her boyfriend’s name into his mother’s gravestone with the key to the room where he kept her worst nightmares. Hanna visited a lezzy bar, worked some overalls, ordered her own cheese fries, was generally above reproach. Aria shacked up with Wesley Fitzgerald, who, in terms of math, was: half the age and half the height and half the lesbian of his older brother. And Emily realized that without a Spencer Hastings the earth would be thrown out of orbit, and so she drank a bunch of coffee and ate a bunch of lightning and drove on down to the police station to do some spankin’.

The Liars are beside themselves with worry about Spencer. She doesn’t return texts. She doesn’t answer the phone. She doesn’t even go to school here anymore. The only thing she does is sit in the chair Toby made for her with her wild eyes and wild hair, just rocking and rocking and speaking impeccable French to the wall. Emily, for one, can’t take much more of watching Spencer suffer. And so after Andrew tells Spencer she’s off the academic decathlon squad for skipping practice, Emily swoops in with a pep talk. She knows a thing or two comforting competitive maniacs, having presumably made out with a McCullers-shaped one just this morning, so she gives it the old one-two punch: 1) Your enemies are my enemies and we will kill them where they sleep. 2) Let’s hug it out.

But Spencer refuses to be comforted. She pulls her sunglasses out of her locker and storms off, but as soon as she shoves the sunnies onto her face, she realizes A has carved a message into the lenses: Rat out T, I take down one of your three. She flips around and sees her three staring at her and remembers, just for a second, what it means to be Spencer Hastings. The power of the sun and the life of the Liars in the palm of your hand.

Rear Window Brew. Hanna’s new and most important thing is getting Caleb to reconcile with his dad, Uncle Jamie. Aria warns her to learn potentially life-changing information at the same rate as her boyfriend or else she’s going to have Delaware Maggie & Sons situation on her hands. Speaking of: Aria’s phone rings and it is Diane Fitzgerald(!). She wants to know if Wes is hiding out in Rosewood hitting people in the faces with pizzas or anything. Aria does not dime him out because she wants to protect him because they are practically brother and sister. (Which, on this show, means they will be making out before the sun sets, of course.)

CeCe Drake is also in attendance at the Brew, which is good news for Emily because she’s still very interested in talking about the Cape May beach hottie and his sperms. Emily name-drops Detective Wilden and CeCe waves him off as one of the two dozen Kappa Gamma Ding Dongs that wanted to statutory rape Alison that summer. (Remember that one flashback when either Ian or Ali murdered a girl right in front of everyone’s eyes at that frat party? Just pushed her down the stairs and broke her neck and everyone just kept on dancing?) Anyway, CeCe can’t really stick around to talk murder mysteries because she’s got some photos to take and a website page to build. Toodles and kisses and Americano and ta.

Spencer is at home food processing the shit out of every phallic-shaped vegetable in her refrigerator when Andrew stops by with condolences for kicking her off the team. She understands that he is apologizing because he was the swing vote that sealed her fate, and also she understands that he wants to see her naked. And so she proposes: Strip History Trivia. She’s like, “It’s a win-win. If you actually win, you get to keep your spot on the team. And even if you lose and I get to take your spot on the team, you get to see the smartest boobs in the greater Philadelphia area.” Andrew, as we have established, is not an idiot. He says yes.

Hanna drives back to the barn where Caleb’s uncle-dad lives to confirm her suspicions of his paternity. Uncle Jamie pontificates the various ways he is unfit to be a father, including but not limited to the fact that he let his sister rip a four-year-old out of his bed – away from his Pound Puppies! – and drop his ass off at an orphanage. I hate Uncle Jamie. I think he would have just been a regular asshole to me if I’d never seen Caleb’s Care Bears, but now I loathe him for all eternity. I can’t believe I’m going to say this, but I don’t even think Byron Montgomery would have deprived his own child of her stuffed animals. For even making me question my belief that Byron is the literal worst human on earth, I am now rooting for Uncle Jamie to be the next person to get hit by a car. Or a train. Or a rocketship.

Oh, but Hanna convinces Uncle Jamie that Caleb really does want to meet/forgive him, so they make plans to have dinner at The Brew.

Andrew is losing big time at Strip History Trivia. He is, however, winning at both pectorals and abdominals. Glasses? Mild-mannered nerd? Chest of steel underneath his button-up? Is Andrew Superman? My guess is no because as we have discussed repeatedly, Spencer Hastings in a t-shirt and messy ponytail making her smug-as-hell face is the real-world equivalent of kryptonite, and Andrew doesn’t seem to be having any trouble breathing. So: Not a superhero. Or, at the very least: Not a lesbian. Spencer throws in a question about the Trojan War just to have an excuse to take off her bra because even when Spencer is unhinged she’s still got the game of ten Slytherins, plus two. Andrew spots someone at the back door and literally goes, “Holy crap, that’s Emily Fields!” Spencer, still braless and gloating on the couch, tells him not to worry, he’s not her type, but Andrew gathers up his clothes and runs out the door in a naked panic, gentle salutations to Miss Fields as he whizzes past her.

Emily is like, “Spencer, what in the world.” And Spencer is like, “Oh, you brought Lucky Leon’s cupcakes? Thoughtful, but as you can see, I just devoured a delicious snack.”

Now, Emily Fields, sweetest person on this earth, divine lighting shining on her face and in her heart, is not the kind of gal who plays the “dead girlfriend” card. Not for sympathy or pity or as an excuse or an explanation. She’s tried everything: space, verbal affirmation, comforting touches, confectionary goodness – but when Spencer tells her to stay out of the whole Toby thing because she’ll never understand, Emily has had just about enough. Have we ever even heard her raise her voice? Well, she does! She knows what it’s like to lose someone she loved deeply! She knows what it’s like to want to show A her boobs! Then, the truthiest truth bomb you can ever drop on another human being: “You do not have a monopoly on pain, Spencer.”

Spencer comes thiiiiis close to telling Emily about Toby, but remembers the sunnies’ threat and tells her to “get good” with New Spencer, which is a weird thing to say, grammatically, but who cares because Spencer’s voice makes everything sound like heaven.

Wesbian has absolutely wrecked Ezra’s gorgeous literary haven, an offense that is not on par with separating a child from his teddy bears, but is still in the realm of awfulness. But he’s packing up to go now, off to some couch in Philly, because Diane knows that he’s here and it’s only a matter of time before she crashes through the front door, picks up both Aria and Wesley by the scruffs of their beautiful necks, and … makes them take her money? That seems to be the thing that’s scaring the shit out of these two clowns: Diane Fitzgerald making it rain. Wes stuffs as much non-perishable food as he can into his backpack and just as he’s about to run off blindly into the night like some kind of Hamptons-faced Lucas, CeCe calls Aria to photograph her boutique website page and Aria asks to bring along an “assistant.” (Don’t take that job, young Fitz; you have no idea how many mythical creatures you will be called upon to slaughter in the name of fashion.)

Emily is back to school after getting shot down by Spencer, hoping to find clues for her healing among trinkets of academia, I suppose, but instead of help for Spencer, she finds Jason DiLaurentis sitting alone in circle of chairs, murmuring to himself, as always, about his sister’s corpse. Emily tells him about the missing photo of Wilden from the summer in Cape May when he impregnated Ali and Jason says he probably knows of a similar photo in a frame in a box in an office in Philadelphia. These DiLaurentis children and their treasure hunts. The Lord. Emily agrees to go with him, but first they have to stop by his house, the porch of which has been covered in one bajillion whiskey bottles like the ones the Risen Mitten bought last week. Emily, whose best friend was very nearly thrown from a moving train less than a month ago, is like, “How horrible! You are a recovering addict and this is the most despicable thing I have ever seen!”

Hey, Melissa is back! Hey, you ol’ cuckoo bird! You ol’ devil incubator! You ol’ Satan marry-er! You ol’ Byron’s flashback Ali-murderer! Pour a glass of milk and drink it all creepy like your husband used to do! Melissa and Spencer talk about their “parents,” like such a thing exists for them, but are interrupted by a knock on the door from Dr. Wren Kingston. One note of his British accent and Melissa retires to the barn with her dinner, while Wren explains that Mona sent him to check up on Spencer because she has recognized some hints of adrenalized hyperreality in her recent behavior. In fact, Mona is correct, which Spencer confirms by quickly convincing Wren to take her on a date to some upstate blind girl craft fair on this very night.

After telling her to mind her own beeswax w/r/t his father, Caleb shows up at Hanna’s house dressed in his hobo finery at the very last minute to go to dinner with the two of them. It seems very much like Uncle Jamie is going to stand them up, but he, too, shows up just in the nick of time at the Brew. The only thing they have in common, besides DNA, is that they both realize Hanna Marin is the bee’s knees. Frankly, it’s a substantial truth on which to build a relationship. Hanna is just that special. After guiding them through the first few awkward steps of conversation, Hanna slips out and rushes home to ask her mom to ask Pastor Ted to give Uncle Jamie a job rebuilding the belfry that broke when Ian murdered Spencer and Spencer murdered him back. (They sure do take their sweet time cleaning up shit in this church. Years without sweeping for flash drives on the floor, years without repairing major structural damage.) Ashley’s mouth says she’ll ask, but Ashley’s face says, “Girl, I hope you’re not trying to work out your own daddy issues by reuniting your boyfriend with his uncle-dad.”

Wren drives Spencer waaaaaay out into the woods. Like, Paige’s PTSD would have her pulling up oak trees by their roots with her bare hands, is how far out in the woods they are. “Just a little further,” she keeps saying. “Just over this river and just under this bridge. Yes, we’re almost there now. It smells like troll.” They happen upon a country cafe and Spencer coaxes Wren inside to get them a table, while she takes a just quick moment to powder her nose.

Only, guess what? She really only drove all the way out here because it’s where the academic decathlon is being held and she couldn’t go another second without menacing Mona. The teachers are like, “Goodness me, Spencer, the competition doesn’t really start until tomorrow and you’re not even really on the team and, if you don’t mind me asking, why are your eyeballs glowing red like that?” Spence pushes past them to thank Mona for sending a sexy psychiatrist to look after her. Why, he’s just outside now, booking them a room in this spooky cabin for the night, and also sleep with your eyes open, Vanderwaal, because not even a doctor-psychiatrist-dentist-veterinarian-acupuncturist as skilled as Wren will be able to heal the Hastings-face pain she is going to bring down on Mona’s face. Mona mocks her about Toby and Spencer bristles, but then she takes it one step too far and invokes the names of the Liars. Did you know Spencer can fly? She can fly. She flies right across the table and grabs Mona by the neck and literally screams “DIIIIIEEEEEE!” at her.

Also somewhere weird are Jason and Emily. I guess they’re in Jason’s dad’s new apartment or something. It hasn’t been unpacked, though. Just boxes strewn here and there and everywhere. Because they were packed by a DiLaurentis, each of these boxes could contain severed heads, skeleton keys, dolls or snow globes or regular old pot holders. What they are looking for is a photo of Wilden and Ali together in Cape May because that will prove beyond all reasonable doubt that he made her great with child. They do find such a photo, only there is a surprise third party in the frame. It smiles like Ali, it tilts its head like Ali, it wears its hair like Ali. It is CeCe Drake. She also is the father of Ali’s baby!

Let’s see, that’s: Spencer’s psychotic break propelling her toward attempted murder, Hanna’s Hufflepuff heart calling down favors from even God himself to reconcile Caleb and his father, and Emily’s hardcore Spencering has brought her face-to-face with the idea that their archenemy on the police force is tag-teaming with their frenemy from one of Ali’s secret past lives. I wonder what high-stakes game Aria Montgomery is playing.

Holy shit! While photographing Buddha statues, she spilled something on a rug! Also, CeCe abandoned Aria and Wes to go get some dinner, but not really to get some dinner, and then she called to say her car was towed, but her car wasn’t really towed, and so basically she is just sitting in a parking lot in her car because of some kind of sinister cupid scheme. I think. Either that, or she she did this next thing:

With the latest Clue tucked safely away in Jason’s pocket, he and Emily hop on an elevator to head back to the ground floor to head back to Rosewood. I think it’s the first time we’ve ever seen a Liar in an elevator. No, wait. Ha! Who was it that saw Jenna putting on lipstick one time in the hospital elevator? Aria? OK, so anyway, the elevator gets stuck between floors, of course, and no one is around to answer the emergency button and neither Jason nor Emily’s cell phones are working. Real life: You hyperventilate and wait for help. Rosewood life: You pry open the doors and make a jump for it. Jason holds them open for Emily and she shimmies to safety. Emily holds them open for Jason and the elevator cables break and Jason plunges to the ground.

I hope one day, before it’s all said and done, we get an entire episode devoted to the other side of the mirror of this story. CeCe scaling the inside of an elevator shaft and cutting the cables, all the peeping going on from all the places, Mona time-jumping, Toby doing – I’m still not clear on what Toby is doing/has done, exactly, except for attacking Hanna with the mannequins. But whatever. I hope we one day get to see it all, Mission Impossible-style, from the A-team side.

Oh, one other thing: Jason flashes back to the night of Ali’s death when everyone was tromping in and out of the Dilaurentis’ yard, and guess who was there, dressed exactly like Ali? CeCe, probably.

At church, Caleb tells Hanna, quite rightly, that she is the best girlfriend ever. Because upstairs Pastor Ted is hiring Uncle Jamie to do the Lord’s Work. Hanna even drops five dollars into the offering box as thanks. (Uncle Jamie promptly steals it, though.) At Montgomery Manor, Aria makes up a bed for Wes and also offers him a library card to her pants. And in Wren’s car, Spencer is feeling pretty darn good about how close she got to choking the literal life out of Mona. Next time. Emily SOS texts all of them with exactly zero information as to the nature and whereabouts of her emergency, but of course they all rush to the hospital because it’s a likely starting spot always.

Jason is hot as hell in his hospital bed even with all the casts and neck braces and whatever. He tells Emily that the Liars were right about the NAT Club, that someone is out to get all of them. She shuts the privacy curtain to give him a minute to ruminate on his imminent demise. The Liars show up. Emily explains things. And then the most amazing nurse in all of TV Land walks up and goes, “Where’s your super hot friend? With all the broken bones? The one who fell 20 stories and lived?” And then the nurse just, like, walks off. It’s amazing. She doesn’t call security or alert any doctors or anything. She just be-bops on down the hallway for her coffee break or whatever. The Liars rush to Jason’s bedside, whip back the curtain and ABRACADABRA!, that guy has disappeared.

Two Risen Mitttens play spin the bottle with whiskey-simulacrums of the Liars. But they cheat to make it land on Spencer. Because now that they know she’s capable of actually killing a person, the fun has only just begun.

Thank you, thank you to my screencapping partner Maggie (@margaretrosey) who always knows just what we need.

Remember to hit her up on Twitter if you want to play PLL Bingo or do a Google Hangout on Tuesday nights.

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