I don’t know about you, but there’s nothing I find hotter than getting dressed up and going out on the town with my super sexy girlfriend so we can scope out nubile bodies for her to suck the sexual energy out of to feed her insatiable libido which sustains her life force and without which she’ll most definitely die. Wait, did I say hotter? I meant more awkward. In a hot way. But still, mighty awkward. But, hey, that’s what happens when you date an irresistible, unstoppable sex machine. Lauren knows it. She’s not necessarily happy about it, but she’s a scientist and knows fighting Bo’s sexual appetite is as useless as fighting gravity. Sure, you can outrun and out jump and even out fly it a little. But sooner or later, even when aided by science and all its advanced technology, you’re going to have to come back down.
So here they are scoping out hotties for Bo to feast on. But not that guy, he’s got nine heads — the other kind of heads. And not that gal either, unless she wants to wait for her 1,000-year vow of chastity to run out. Mid-menu perusal Trick walks up innocently to see what the loveliest ladies in six counties are up to. Lauren mentions voracious sexual appetites and satisfying coital requirements and poor Trick retreats with the sudden need to polish every glass in the Dal immediately. But for Bo love means never having to say you’re sorry you have to have sex with a lot of strangers so you can stay healthy. For everyone else it’s pretty much the exact opposite. Unless you’re one of those couples who have established ground rules and through clear communication have worked out the boundaries for an open relationship. Which, if you think about it, is exactly what this is. Minus the glowing blue eyes thing.
Still, succubus or no succubus, the secret to any relationship is trust, understanding and compromise. So Lauren knows they can make it. And, since they’re being honest, her pubococcygeus muscle can sure use the rest. Just so you don’t have to Google, that’s the muscle on one’s pelvic floor that contracts during orgasm. So in case for some reason you’ve forgotten, this is a show where two beautiful gay women get it on like Donkey Kong and talk openly and unabashedly about their relationship in grown up ways. In other words, this show is freaking awesome. Of course the one essential caveat to the all the understanding and trust is the one and only rule. No wolf. Which, naturally, makes me nervous. Because whenever there’s just that one itty bitty/enormous rule, well, you know how much people just love to break things. But this is not the moment to play Little Red Riding Hood and stumble across a wolf. This is the moment Lauren and Bo finally find her dinner. And with a peck on the cheek to Lauren, it’s game on.
Of course, talking out the inherent nature of one’s being and physical need to consummate sexual desire devoid of emotional connection on an intellectual level is one thing. Hearing it bang the headboard above you is entirely another. Lauren is doing her best to ignore the sounds of carnal calisthenics coming from upstairs and working on stronger injections for Bo. It’s not going so well. Oh, and this ain’t the Grammys. Side boobs are allowed and encouraged here. Kenzi isn’t feeling so swell about the scissor sisters upstairs either. She seems agitated. Hey, wait, wasn’t she getting yanked behind a dumpster when last we saw her? What happened? And what happened to her “tact” button? Because Kenzi pulls a decidedly unKenzi move and barges into Bo’s bedroom mid booty call. No. 1 succubus roomie rule: If this room is rocking, don’t bother staying in the house because it’s going to take a while — go see a movie or maybe do your taxes in the library.
A flabbergasted Lauren follows behind her into the room and sees things she cannot unsee, like, oh my Lord, there’s choking. Unfazed, Kenzi goes on about the case of a human turning into goo in front of his wife’s eyes (and onto her face — ewww). So clearly she thinks it’s time for Bo to stop knocking boots and save her kind. But Bo isn’t quite done with her naked meet-and-greet. Lauren’s left standing there wishing desperately there was a greeting card that said, “Hey, so please continue having sexual relations with this random stranger because I know it means nothing and you still love me, but trust me I’m never entering your bedroom without knocking ever again.” Thanks for nothing, Hallmark. The UnKenziest Kenzi and the good doctor leave to investigate. They find the widow, and then his lover, who blame each other and begin requisite hair pulling. Kenzi seems to be enjoying the deleted scene from Cheaters a little too much. Luckily Bo busts in and busts up the fight shaming them with righteous feminist indignation and dosing them with the love touch.
The lover (we’re going to assumer her name is Cindy, as with all lovers) says she and the gooey guy went to a cool nightclub before his liquidation. Which means, of course, field trip! They wind up in what seems to be the holding room for all the Eyes Wide Shut extras. It’s a sexual smorgasbord and here Bo is without a spoon. Lauren calls with some news about what slimed the victim and Bo answers with a chipper, “Dr. Lewis’ lover.” This sends Doccubus fans everywhere into sweet, simultaneous le petit mort. Say it again, but slower. After she hangs up, Bo remembers Kenzi’s wacked out voicemail from the other night. You know, before she was snatched away by an unseen force in a dark alley. The UnKenziest Kenzi covers and says it was an emergency two-for-one sausage dealio. I’m going to guess she means that in a non-sexual way, which makes it even weirder.
Just then an imposing looking doorman (is there any other kind) invites Bo to meet the party’s host, Roman. And away she goes but not before UnKenzi tells her to leave her phone. Ruh-roh. Any horror movie aficionado can tell you the modern day-equivalent of severing the phone line to the house is being cut off from your cellphone. It’s impending doom calling, would you like me to take a message? But first Bo has to deal with another kind of horror of the shirtless sleazy guy variety. The party’s host is Roman, The Bacchus. As in the god of good times and inventor of Ecstasy. He’s got a shaved chest, cheesy gold necklace and pimp cane and feasts on debauchery so I’m pretty sure he also invented roofies. (p.s. Don’t yell at me mythology buffs, I know it’s supposed to be a giant fennel staff). They leave each other limp, ahem, and he tells her henchmen to slit her throat next time they see her. Nice guy, bet he drives an oversized red sports car to compensate.
Back in the land of lab coats, Lauren gets a visit from Dyson and Tamsin who bring in a body for her to examine. It’s Bo’s earlier conquest looking much less frisky. Dyson previously smelled Bo on the body (dude, gross), which sent Tamsin into hyper-I-hate-Bo-drive. They ask Lauren if she recognizes the woman and she does what any good girlfriend would do in this situation — she lies. Afterward Lauren texts Bo to warn her, but UnKenzi intercepts her warning message and deletes it. First of all, I told you so. And second of all, aww, how cute — Lauren signs her texts “luv, Lauren.” Though I find it hard to believe Dr. Lauren Lewis misspells and abbreviates the word “love,” even in a text.
The UnKenzi is getting more bizarre by the minute. She blows bubbles into her beer and tells a worried Lauren that Bo’s dead cupcake is no biggie. And then she tells Lauren how the wolf might still have feelings for her lamb. I do not like this Kenzi, I do not like her on a boat, I do not like her with a goat. Whatever bad juju has taken over Lil Mama, it’s intent seems to be to create strife and distance between our friends, both Fae and human. She tells Lauren Dyson might still love Bo. She tells Trick he was a bad grandfather to Bo. But I think the old Trickster (who was apparently quite the swinger in the 70s, the 1870s that is) might be on to this poser. I mean, Kenzi never offers to pay her beer tab. It’s practically her most sacred tradition.
Without ever receiving the SOS text from Lauren, Bo walks right into the police station and into a skeptical Tamsin. She says she’s going to be Bo’s sexy shadow as she investigates the gooey bacchanalia. Will you two just make out and get it over with? Your intense hate sexual tension is ridiculous and I’m sure there’s already a fandom portmanteau for you two. Bamsin? To? God no, those are terrible. Wait, wait — Copubus. Oh, ladies, you never let me down. Also, Tamsin, honey — eyes up. Bo and her so-called bestie get ready for their sexytimes adventure at the club once more. And UnKenzi continues to be the unKenzi-like while driving a stake further between Bo and Lauren with her first out-and-out lie. Because Lauren would never put duty before Bo’s booty, at least anymore. But UnKenzi tells Bo Lauren tattled on her to Dyson about the dead woman. OK, the earrings are coming off and we’re going to throw down. No one lies about Doccubus love and walks away with all of her hair on her head.
Lauren calls and everyone suspects the worst about everyone else without ever talking it out — Bo thinks Lauren told on her, Lauren thinks Bo has something with Dyson. The Real Kenzi better come back soon and fix this because I am not letting this little imposter ruin everything. We’ve survived spybanging, a wolfman and a girlfriend in a coma. We can survive this too.
But then, silly me, I realize all my worry was wasted because just as Dyson, Tamsin, Bo and UnKenzi show up at the club, who should descend the staircase and take everyone’s breath away? Yeah, that’s who. And with one dropped-jaw look at Lauren we know everything’s gonna be alright. Who wants the old wolf when you could have this fox? Lauren is all science, reasons, science, reasons, science. But we all know she put on that amazing dress and did her hair just so to remind Bo, and the world, just what she has waiting at home for her.
UnKenzi, Bo and Lauren head out to the special key room to find out what’s making all the humans go super splooge. Well it turns out someone in the Lost Girl writers room has been reading a lot of Japanese tentacle erotica. Because the monster is an octopus-like hermaphrodite underfae called a manta that has been mating with and infecting the humans. I’m all for kinky but that’s just for suckers. Literally. Bo warns the octopussy lovers and Laurens tries to convince them to get the antidote. They flee despite Bo’s promise that she gives good needle. Mark down that down as yet another thing never to say on a first date. Then one of Roman’s henchmen grabs Lauren and I almost feel sorry for him. First Bo reads him the Take Back the Night riot act because no means no. And then she demands he take his filthy hands off her girlfriend. Cue another mass Doccubus fandom swooning. But we aren’t the only ones swooning. UnKenzi takes a swan dive into the arms of another henchman setting up a Sophie’s Choice for our poor Bo-Bo. Bestie or best gal? Girl, please, why have one when you can have both?
While blue-eyed Bo comes out to play and goes all Succu Smash on the henchmen, Tamsin and Dyson are dealing with the Bacchus himself. Seems over the centuries he has had too much of a good thing and now the only way for him to feel pleasure is to mate with the manta and experience its conquests through its tentacles. Come on, isn’t there like Fae Viagra he could take instead? He tries to put the pimp cane whammy on Tamsin and Dyson, but Dyson turns it around on him and the god of debauchery gets drilled one last time. Then as Super Bo continues her rampage, Lauren realizes something is wrong. This isn’t just her succu-strength. This is something primal. Something angry. Something that can’t be controlled. And Lauren knows she must stop her right away. So she reaches out to find the humanity in the woman she loves. Reaches back to when they first met. How she knew the moment they met. The moment her cold stethoscope touched Bo’s back. Her touch, fingers lingering. And then Bo’s back. She collapses, back in Lauren’s arms. Back at Lauren’s place the couple does what all good gay lady couples do — they process. Bo doesn’t know what happened. Whether she killed the woman. What is happening to her. Lauren doesn’t really either, but uses the diplomatic speak of many, many therapy sessions saying it’s clear Bo is a “very complex creature.”
Lauren says they’ll face whatever comes, together. But declares she won’t be involved in Bo’s extracurricular mealtimes anymore. I mean, she’s a rationale scientist but she also has a heart and emotions and Big Lesbian Feelings. A gal can only take so much. Bo calls her amazing and Dr. Hotpants agrees. Yes, she is amazing. They are amazing. And let no wolf or UnKenzi tear them asunder. Unfortunately, I think even without outside help the sunder is coming. Because when Bo leaves Lauren picks up her phone and makes a call. She tells whomever is on the other line that there is something very wrong with Bo. And the hits just keep on coming. Because now Dyson thinks something is very wrong with Bo, too — of the homicidal variety. He promises to follow through to the end of he murder investigation to a very pleased Tamsin. And, if that wasn’t enough, unbestie Kenzi has what appears to be a romantic dinner for two set up for Bo when she gets home. A romantic dinner of spicy noodles — spicy noodles covered in peanuts, which Kenzi is deathly allergic to. Bo finally catches on and grabs the imposter by the throat demanding to know what happened to the real Kenzi. So say we all.
BOOBS O’CLOCK OF THE WEEK:
Never mind the CGI – the budget on boob tape on this show must be astronomical. KENZISM OF THE WEEK:
No Kenzi, no Kenzism. Bring back the real Kenzi. Bring her back now.
