“Once Upon A Time” recap: Jack the Giant Hottie (2.13)

Previously on Once Upon A Time, Emma fought Hurley from Lost in a CGI kingdom in the sky, Belle got shot over the Storybrooke town line and lost her memory, and Cora manipulated Regina into thinking they were on the same side.

Mr. Gold shows up at the Charming Loft to pick up Emma, who informs him that Henry is coming too. Now, by my calculations, from the closest point in Maine to Boston is about 4 hours, which is approximately 4 hours longer than I would want to be in a small space with Henry, but for some reason, Emma insists that this is necessary.

Soon after they leave, Regina shows up at Chateau Charming and pretends to be surprised by the news that Archie isn’t dead and that all of her accusers regret their pointed fingers. She also pretends not to know Cora is back in town. She asks to speak to Henry, but Snow has to tell her that the boychild is gone. Mary Margaret’s excuse is that Emma doesn’t have to run anything by Regina, and while perhaps legal laws are cloudy because of magic, logically in this here United States of America, it seems that Regina is actually the only one who has ANY rights over Henry and was kind of only doing Emma and the boy a favor by letting him stay with her…

Anywho, once they get rid of Regina, Snow and Charming discharge Hook from Storybrooke Hospital so that he can help them find Cora’s magical ship. Despite being defeated time and time again, he still retains his sassiness and snark, but he eventually leads them to the invisible vessel.

He also points them towards Cora’s weapon of choice — Hurley the Giant.

We flash back to Hurley — called Tiny here — who is late to dinner. It’s time for the Bean Harvest, which is apparently now merely symbolic. Tiny is kind of an outcast because he prefers to hang out in the treasure room — he’s as fascinated with humans and their things as Ariel. His ode to humans falls upon Giant, deaf ears but he insists that “just because a few humans did some bad stuff doesn’t mean they’re all evil.” Which I think is a wonderful motto to live by, personally.

Back on the U.S.S. Invisible, Team Charming starts to free the Giant from his cage. Grumpy comments that Cora has made the giant “travel-sized” (but I think they just ran out of CGI funds). Upon seeing our fine prince, Hurley they Giant flips out and seemingly out of nowhere, punches Charming in the face. And while I had no definable reason as to why, I really love when the Prince ends up face-down on the floor…especially when, next thing you know, Snow is right there with a bow at the ready, prepared for a take-down to save her husband.

In a moment that made my RedBeauty shipper heart soar, Ruby visits Bells in the hospital. When, despite being as fur-clad as ever, the sight of her doesn’t seem to spark any recognition she asks, with heartbreak in her voice, “You don’t remember me, do you?”

Red insists they were friends before the incident, and even brought her a book, but Belle is too distracted by the memory of a creepy old man shooting fireballs at her to remember the sexy moment in the library basement that Ruby was trying to invoke.

(Maybe I’ve been reading too much lesbian fiction lately, but if they had been as together as my headcanon says they are, a simple kiss would have rekindled Belle’s memory. Just saying.)

Meanwhile, on the streets of Storybrooke, the giant is screaming at Charming and running away from him, and while I’m just downright confused, the Prince realizes that Tiny is mistaking him for his long lost brother.

Just to remind us of this long-forgotten twin, we flash back to him whoring around with some unknown hottie who is definitely not Snow.

Meanwhile, Tiny the Giant meanders on down the beanstalk and is sad because he’s out of place amongst the humans. Evil Prince and his lover Jacqueline — aka Jack — are unphased by his size, but Jack offers him a magical treat that her ex-girlfriend Alice gave her that will help make him smaller.

Jack is tricky. She asks for magic beans, saying it would help save their kingdom. Eager to help his new human friends, he says he has treasure. She kisses his cheek and calls him a hero which honestly would convince me to do anything.

Having arrived at Logan Airport in one piece, the new adventure trio makes their way to the plane. Even Rumple, who has had centuries of dealing with Cora, Regina, and gods know what other evils, got annoyed by Henry in airport security. I’m surprised he didn’t yell, HENRY SHUT UP STOP TALKING ABOUT MAGIC SO LOUD!

Luckily Emma is more patient than I am, and will apparently do anything she can to save someone, so somehow they all survive the ‘uncivilized’ airport security.

In Storybrooke, Regina finds the Giant sitting wistfully by the river. Honestly, I can’t figure out if Regina is being controlled by herself or by Cora in this episode, but either way, the Giant’s threat of, “I’ll kill you” is met with laughter. She offers the Giant a mushroom that will make him bigger and says that he should destroy the town/Charming.

We then flash to Logan Airport, and I won’t lie, seeing Gold someplace as ordinary as an airport bathroom is unsettling. He’s unsettled too…he punches the HELL out of a seat cover dispenser.

Back in time, we see the Giants making sure that Hurley knows that even though they give him a hard time, it’s because they love him. Unfortunately, it’s too late, because Tiny had already shown those sneaky little humans the beanstalk, and they’re here to claim their treasure — but not the treasure Tiny had in mind.

In present-day Storybrooke, an embiggened Hurley is literally hurling things. Charming is yelling at the giant, trying to convince him that he’s not his brother. When the giant asks what had become of the other man who bore his face, Charming said that he had, and I quote, “paid the ultimate price for his arrogance.”

Unsure of what to do, Snow and Charming use the Emma card, and while Hurley would have been totally fine with having Emma’s word, they had to inform him that she was “kind of out of town.”

Which, of course, didn’t help the whole distrust of humans thing he had going on. He stomped on towards them, but just before he reached the perfect couple, his magical mushroom wore off and he fell into a hole in the ground.

Immediately, Prince Charming rallied his troops and got as many (capable) people of Storybrooke to help as possible (aka just Snow and Ruby) and pulled the Giant out of the hole he created.

Snow told James that most people would have left the giant to die, but James/Charming told her that she makes him better.

In the CGI Castle in the Clouds, Hurley is commanded to protect the crop of magic beans which was apparently code for destroying them all to keep them away from the wretched humans.

Jack is adorably stabbing Papa Giant’s ankles, but then he picks her up and stabs her like a teeny tiny pincushion.

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