According to the Weather Channel everyone in the northeast is going to be under siege from the Worst Winter Storm Ever(tm) – scarier than the one where Luke Skywalker barely survived by crawling into a Tauntaun carcass on Hoth. In the next 12-18 hours, the northeast is going to be assaulted by the swirling winds and snow from the monster named Nemo. Yes, Nemo, which, despite being named after the perpetually ticked off Captain Nemo, conjures up the image of a dinky orange fish in the public eye. Also, it’s the northeast. Sometimes it snows here. Get over it.
The National Weather Service has named hurricanes since 1953, and not to be outdone, the Weather Channel has jumped into the fray with its own list of names for winter storms. With names like “Gandolf” (LOTR), “Draco” (Potter), and “Q” (Star Trek), there is no question that the team behind the names are sci fi and fantasy geeks, and if anyone at TWC reads this article they might point out that my reference to Hoth might actually be inaccurate, because it is always cold and icy on Hoth and any blizzard there would be infinitely more shiteous that anything in the Mid Atlantic and New England.
But what if lesbians were to take over the task of naming winter storms? What would we come up with? Thankfully, (or not) there is an endless supply of turbulent characters and icons in lesbian pop culture to choose from. Here are the picks from the AfterEllen staff.
Arizona: Rolls right in, spreading sunshine but quickly turns dark, with heavy brooding clouds. Then sprinkles, followed by rainbows and many sunny days ahead. (Dana)
Bo: Blows in every direction, leaving those affected exhausted but happy (Ali)
Cay: See Vivian.
Dana: Tropical rainfall in the dead of winter that fills you with warmth but is gone too soon (Lucy)
Erica (Grey’s Anatomy): Slicing through Seattle with surgical precision only to disappear without a trace in a parking lot, leaving meteorologists baffled. (Grace)
Ezbian: Quietly moves up the coast with a nippy chill that brings out the sweater vests and empty journals, but produces no precipitation beyond a stream of tears. (Linster)
Gia: Meteorologist Doodykins reports this storm do be the pittiest, pittiest storm, with blustery whirlwinds giving way to intermittent haze, followed by dense fog in Kabuki makeup, then, evaporating into nothingness. Sad. (Dara)
Ilene: Inexplicably returns every season and wreaks havoc with a new, erratic yet oddly familiar path. Everyone goes through the motions of boarding their windows with plywood to shut out the unrelenting winds but secretly cannot look away from the spectacle. (Grace)
Jenny: Tumultuous with a poorly defined center. Manatee habitats were grazed but ultimately unaffected. Residents directly in the path of the storm were strongly advised to secure their pets, although at least one casualty was reported. Dissipated suddenly over open seas in mysterious circumstances. (Grace)
Jillian: Howling winds characterize this violent shit storm. Terrified residents are advised to run ’til they can’t run no more. (Dara)
Jodie: Acts like a storm. Looks like a storm. All evidence points to it being a storm. But the news isn’t calling it a storm. Doesn’t matter. You know it’s a storm. (Dara)
Kate (Bomb Girls): Deceptively mild breezes form the edges of this storm, but all those caught in the eye will be trapped there forever. (Elaine)
Maddow: Storm will follow a logical trajectory, destroying small enclaves in red states. Those praying for divine intervention will be disappointed. (Dara)
Melissa: Loud, powerful storm that disrupts everything in its path, then abruptly changes direction, leaving destruction and tons of debris in its wake. Cleanup is left to the victims. (Linster)
Paige: A windy storm that knocks over all the trash barrels that cross its path, taking chinese food take-out and cupcake towers down with them. It’s also the kind of storm that makes you want to ride your bike through it while crying, since the rain will hide your tears of regret and self-loathing. (Valerie)
Queen Latifah: It’s a storm. Oh wait, no it’s not. (Bridget)
River Song: sweeps in unexpectedly and then seems to disappear, only show up in an entirely different location with no discernible path to track her movements. (Linster)
Santana: Moves right in to the New York region, without warning. Expect winds that wail, and sultry, curvaceous clouds. Extreme heat, also likely. Those who stand in her way, should seek shelter immediately. (Dana)
Shane: Small, intense, tornado-like system forecasted to leave many victims shattered in her wake. Rainfall is expected, mostly from the tear ducts of those caught in her path. (Grace)
Shay: Appears small but is fierce and will leave you feeling like you got hit by a truck. (Lucy)
Stormy: Because lesbians are unoriginal. (Sarah)
Thirteen: Spectacular-looking clouds bring a mix of rain and snow, then back to rain. Expected to arrive Friday. No, Saturday. No, Friday. Storm will weaken and die offshore. (Dara)
Tina and Amy: Turn out not to be storms at all, but residents in affected areas often wish they had been. (Ali)
Vivian (Desert Hearts): Storm follows a tightly wound and predictable pattern until it collides with Winter Storm Cay, whereupon there is a massive release of high winds and soft, gentle rains. (Ali)
Willow: Mild, sunny weather will be suddenly overtaken by black clouds, lightning and high winds full of daggers. Retail stores may experience extensive damage. (Dara)
Xena: Having reconstituted from the scattered remnants of a legendary storm system that wrecked everything in its path, named the “Destroyer of Nations” by meteorologists, Xena is expected to rain hail and thunder only on the wicked in her second coming. A smaller system, Gabrielle, is forecasted to follow the same trajectory. However, the two systems will appear to merge at certain points but will not fully consolidate. (Grace)
All right everyone. Stay warm! And if you have more suggestions while you are holed up during Nemo, feel free to add them in the comments below!