“Glee” recap 4:13: Girl on Fire

Previously on Glee, Brittany name-checked the Lesbian Blogger Community in such a way that the ladies said, “Oh, there’s no way they can ever walk that back.” And Tina fell in love with Gay Blaine in such a way that the fellas said, “Oh, well, it’s not like anything amoral and totally fucking batshit crazy will come out of it.”

Spoiler alert: Wrong on both counts, gaymos.

LIMA, OHIO

Now that New New Directions are on their way to Sectionals, Finn is starting to worry that they won’t be able to hold the audience’s attention without Rachel and Kurt and Santana and Mercedes, which, as any viewer of season four can tell you, is a valid concern. Although, if he’d let Kitty stand on stage and roll her eyes for like three straight minutes, that’d go a long way to softening up the judges’ hearts. Emma (hi, Emma!) suggests getting back to the theme weeks of yore, and so Finn lands on divas. He asks Emma to be a guest judge for the diva-off, a responsibility she gladly accepts due to her natural skill of making restaurant managers cry like little bitches. Also, she comes correct and is neither a trick-ass-ho nor a hater-sweater.

Unique is pretty sure she’s got the diva thing locked down, but Tina’s got a taste for talking now that she’s been allowed to speak at least once in the last three episodes. Brittany is Brittany, Bitch, so you know she’s got a shot. But also: Blaine is adamant that men can be divas too. The best part isn’t the arguing; the best part is that Sam has his fingers plugged in his ears the whole time so he can’t hear it. It is hilarious. I love that guy.

The ensemble song is Beyonce’s “Diva,” and while it’s a pretty good performance musically, the real magic is the visuals.

Everyone looks ridiculous and so, so amazing, like if Project Runway had a challenge called “Power Ranger Primadona,” and all of the designers were sewing until their fingers bled while tripping balls and listening to “Entrance of the Gladiators” as performed by Alvin & the Chipmunks. Like the fever dream of a pack of Crayola Classic 10 magic markers. Like if Strawberry Shortcake’s Berry Best Friends pulled a Tyra Banks in Life Size and their main dream was to open for The Spice Girls before being turned back into dolls. Most notably, Blaine’s body is dressed like Adam Lambert and Blaine’s head is dressed like Darren Criss. It’s a heady combination.

The real winner of the first song sing-off, though, is Emma Pillsbury who explains in gory detail the way she bends the waiters at The Cheesecake Factory to her will.

Blaine trades his Lambert duds in for some Queen duds and goes full Freddie Mercury with some “Don’t Stop Me Now.” It takes real balls tackle a tune by by a guy whose range spanned four octaves, but Blaine crushes it. Tina, note, has now watched him channel the vocal- and accessory-stylings of two gay icons in less than five minutes. Does that quench the fire of her inexplicable lust? No. No, it does not.

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