“Pretty Little Liars” recap 3.18: Bienvenue, Dark Lord!

Previously on Pretty Little Liars, Alison DiLaurentis had a funeral. And another funeral. And another and another and another, and every funeral drew a smaller crowd than the one before it because the longer she was dead, the more apparent it became that the girl was an emotional terrorist. During one of the funerals, the Liars were each invited to add a keepsake to Ali’s casket, just little trinkets to honor the most memorable moments of trauma she inflicted upon them. Earrings from the time Ali coerced Aria into destroying her philandering father’s office. Ouija Board planchette from when Ali’s ghost made herself known to Hanna for the first time. One-by-one the casket gifts appeared above ground, and also a necklace made of Ali’s actual human teeth. Ali’s casket was like Mary Poppins’ carpet bag, is what I am saying. Bottomless and full of wonderful horrors. But then A gave back the dead body and all the fun was over … OR WAS IT?

Rear Window Brew. The Liars convene for an early morning intervention to confront Spencer about the fact that she is very quickly descending into Radley Sanitorium-caliber madness. She’s stopped meddling in other people’s business, stopped being an insufferable know-it-all at school, stopped giving Scooby Seminars, stopped brushing her hair. Or, well, that’s what they were scheduled to talk about, but Aria hijacks the thing from the start to talk about stupid Delaware and the stupid lesbian kindergarteners therein. Jason ambles in and tells the Liars that his family is going to bury Alison again, this time in her favorite mausoleum, the one where the Liars saw her homemade porno projected that one time.

The Liars are all, “We always buy new funeral outfits at the start of every spring, winter, summer, and fall, because: Rosewood. Of course we’ll be there.” Except for Spencer. She’s like, “You know who had the right idea about things? Jenna Marshall. She had a gun. She never pretended Ali was anything other than a dickbiscuit. And she punished Toby Cavenaugh at her leisure. She punished that son of a bitch. She made him pay.” She says she will not be attending another memorial service for Alison and then she knees her Jason in the crotch and leaves to go meet with her PI.

Jason’s face is like, “So, literally every sibling I have is a mental basket.” And also, “Ouch! My balls!”

Aria and Hanna revisit the Ouija board planchette and the basilisk fang earrings. Hanna is of the mind to destroy them. Aria is of the mind that she will not let go of such a rare piece of jewelry a second time. Then, of course: “But back to Ezra, I’ve been stopping by his house every morning and afternoon and night and during my lunchbreak to lounge around in his flannel button-ups and cry my tears Into his feelings journals. It’s the purest form of expression. Pages soaked with the saline solution of my soul.”

Mona is wearing her Good Girl clothes and makeup today, and smiling like a run-of-the mill, non-adrenalized queen bee. She hands over a folder full of academic decathlon things — hotel reservations, practice questions, anthrax — and touches Spencer’s shoulder ever so gently to encourage her to get back on her A-game. After all, it would be such a disappointment for poor Toby to end up rooting for Team Mona when he was so convinced he should root for Team Spencer. The touching doesn’t incite Dark Spencer fully, but the invocation of Toby’s name does the trick. She shrugs off Mona’s hand, drops her voice to an octave I did not even know exists, and says, “Before this is over, I am going to cut your heart out of your chest and force feed it to you while Jenna Marshall plays her flute.” Mona is like, “OK, well, toodles, loony bird! Don’t forget to practice alphabetizing stuff before the big meet!”

Hanna spies Caleb brooding in an empty classroom. At first, she thinks it’s A stuff, but no: Caleb has normal people problems. For example, his girlfriend’s lesbian stalker flew 3,000 miles across the country to run his mom off the road, and so she gave him her Mercedes and now that she’s not wasting time driving all around Montecito, she’s started Facebooking with all the other people who orphaned Caleb, and it turns out his aunt — his dad’s sister who left him on the orphanage steps all those years ago — is moving to Australia, and when you move to Australia they tear down your house, and so if Caleb wants any of left his old childhood things he needs to go visit his pre-orphan home before the bulldozers get there. Hanna is like, “Yeah, that definitely sounds like regular life stuff. No matter what you decide, I have already mentally chosen an outfit for each possible outcome.”

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