Before we get started, grab your keys. Go to your car. Drive to the store. Buy a fan. Come home. Plug in the fan. Point it at yourself. Set it to high. Turn it on. Right, now you just might be able to handle the exquisite hotness of the opening scene between Lauren and Bo.
Fingers curl around bed posts. Heads are thrown back. Lips linger on stomachs. Legs intertwine each other. Bodies heave and clutch. Fingers grip hair. Wait, sorry, make that wet fingers. Wet fingers. Yeah, let it sink in. You’ll get there.
Bo and Lauren fall back against the bed, utterly spent. Sweaty, happy and exhausted. Let’s be honest, if you’re doing it right you’re always going to be exhausted. Exhausted and neglecting everything else. Like proper hydration and nourishment. Or organizing swabs and accepting formaldehyde deliveries. Bo wants a threepeat of their epic horizontal (and sometimes vertical) adventures, but releases Lauren to her million things long to-do list. Then she downs an energy bar because a succubus cannot live on super hot sex with her human girlfriend alone. Damn. We’re going to need a whole boatload of PowerBars.
Dyson and Tamsin are doing their cop thing and trying to help a delusional faux tight-walker. Tamsin thinks they should just let the human go splat so she can go on her hot date with Mr. Eight Pack. But Dyson smells Fae on the big dreamer, and three others before like him. Looks like we have ourselves a mystery to solve. Oh, and the tight-rope walker falls and makes a mess. Pity the clean-up crew working that shift.
But never mind the dead guy. Instead alert the military and arm the missiles, Bo is out of chocolate. Kenzi tries to distract her rummaging for a needed heart-to-heart. She has to tell her about something that had been bugging (and itching) her for months now. Bo rolls her eyes, thinking this will be another down with Hotpants diatribe. But the Kenzster cuts her short: She lurves her some Lauren ever since their science-y bonding session. Good, finally we can all agree that Lauren is very lurveable and — as Kenzi can attest from what I can assume are countless nights of wishing she had strong earplugs — super bangeable.
To keep her mind off just how bangeable Lauren — and anyone with a pulse apparently — is she agrees to help Dyson investigate the new-age clinic where all the deluded victims were patients. But mostly she just wants distraction because everyone — hot girls, hot boys — look good to a hungry Bo. Dyson notices and we notice Dyson noticing. And we don’t like it. Their sex life is awesome, Wolf Boy. Go pee on a fire hydrant. Also, Bo, eyes up front.
At the new-age office it’s all crystals and sand play and those are just the pets. Bo gets right to work as a couples counselor (but not before the receptionist checks out her ass — I saw that, honey). The couple in question is two gay men bickering about how they only have sex all the time/hardly ever. Which in true Annie Hall fashion means about three times a week. Bo sympathizes with the hardly at all partner, because too much is never enough when you’re a succubus. Also because the other partner is a doctor and, hello, real-life parallels.
Bo gives them the love touch and they start love touching each other on the couch and talking about how fast they can pick up whipped cream. This makes Bo crave her own milkshake and she runs off to “lunch.” Which means Lauren. But the good doctor is craving a really good back massage instead. Bo suggests she massage a little lower. I like where this is going.
But Lauren has work to do and science to science. And then Bo uses her newfound doctor skills on Lauren and Lauren is like since when are you a doctor and Bo is all since I realized it wasn’t that hard and Lauren is like excuse me tell that to my friends Jung and Freud and Masters & Johnson and Kinsey.
And we’re about to enter a relationship minefield in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. Lauren calls Bo’s going undercover unethical and her unqualified and then throws in the fact she never finished high school for good measure. Boom goes the dynamite.
Back at the office Bo looks for clues in one of the other doctor’s offices. Instead she finds Dr. Bob, the cat. This is when I immediately suspect one of the animals because if there’s one thing a gay lady can sniff out it’s bad pussy and spoiled fish. What? You laughed, don’t give me that look.
Kenzi is unloading her butt on Hale. Buttload of secrets that is. Or at least trying to. But no one has time to listen to Lil Mama. Even though her arm is itchy and her worries are serious. So instead Hale makes her the new stylist to the Ash and sends her off with a Fae-powered black platinum card. Can you charge antidotes to Norn potions? I sure hope so.
Back in fake doctor land, Bo runs after a missing patient who thinks he can stop a speeding cars with one hand. He can’t, but Bo does a descent job of stopping it with her hip. That’s going to leave a bruise. Or more than a bruise because Bo passes out after administering a dose of chi to the deluded dude. But before that she has just enough energy to confront the ass checking out receptionist who is a Suicide Fae. And then she commences with the passing out in a heap.
But, hey, it’s nothing a little makeup sex can’t fix. Who here thought Lauren was a flowery bra kind of gal? Yeah, me neither.
Well, maybe not entirely fix. Bo winces while getting dressed because even though she got what the doctor ordered, she still needs a stronger prescription.
Bo convinces Dyson and Tamsin to investigate further, because even though Suicide Fae Girl sounds mighty guilty her succubusy senses and Lauren’s science think otherwise. Dyson notices Bo is still hurt, bleeding internally in fact. She tells him she’s monogamous and feeding only on Lauren. So he offers, more like insists, he be allowed to kiss it and make it better. Brace yourself, gay ladies. This is gonna sting.
I’ll spare you the gory and shirtless details, but suffice it to say Dyson gives Bo a “no-strings, no-feelings” dose of sexual healing and no one feels good about it. But, hey, that nasty boo boo is gone. Of course, there’s really no such thing as “no-strings, no-feelings” sex with an ex, particularly an ex who hasn’t told you he has regained his love for you.
So the Dyson takes his undercover therapy session to heart to talk matters of the heart. While he isn’t able to sniff out whether the doc is Fae (the kitty litter is his Kryptonite, snort), he does leave all energized and babbling about his days as a young pup. He probably bought $200 worth of energy crystals and a yoga mat on the way out of the office, too. Then the investigation hits another snag when the Suicide Fae Girl winds up dead.
In this week’s Subplot C, Trick reads Hale the riot act about his slack approach to being Ash and open-door policy when it comes to Kenzi. Earlier, she had interrupted a special ritual with her fabric swatches. Trick tells him to shut her out and I like Trick a little less now.
Lauren calls to say she has uncovered a link between the victims, which immediately makes Bo think of Dyson. Which in turn makes Lauren and all Doccubus fans raise a collective eyebrow. But, begrudgingly, I guess it’s good she did think of him because he’s standing on the ledge of a roof and taking about flying.
Tamsin, bless her hilarious heart, is trying her best to be a people person and talk him down. He says he wants to make his dream come true and she says, if you wanted to sleep with me you didn’t have to get up on a ledge to get my attention. Love her, love. But he keeps taking off his clothes and she gives him a firm “Do not unwrap the wang” warning. Can we make that the official Team Doccubus battle cry? Then Bo runs up and Tamsin tells her she’s got her hands full because manimal wants to be “half lion, half eagle and full asshole.” I want a spin-off of just Kenzi and Tamsin trading one-liners. Make it so, TV gods, make it so.
Bo tells Dyson he’s loved, but not in that way — hopefully. And Tamsin finds the kitty monster. We think momentarily she might have a problem handling it, but girl’s got it covered. I mean it, Tamsin can get it.
Case solved it’s time to get loaded. Back at the Dal, Bo tells Dyson they can’t happen again. It’s too hurtful — to Lauren. Damn right. Dyson says he understands, and I can’t help but feel a little bad for Dyson. I don’t think he’s the big bad wolf. Just a guy who can’t have what his heart wants. We’ve all been there, dude. But, seriously, do not unwrap the wang again. My sympathy only goes so far. Luckily for us, Tamsin promises to take him to a place where the women are hot and beer is cold. See, I told you I loved that girl.
Speaking of ladies and love, Bo is at Lauren’s and it’s time to come clean. But how do you tell the woman you love that she is, and can never be, enough? Oh, and also you had sex with your ex, but only to heal and then felt terrible about it afterward and it will never happen again, K? Oh no. Please don’t make that face. Please, please.
But instead of erupting, Lauren kisses her. Kisses her through the tears because some things are beyond our control. They’re biological. She’s a scientist. It’s a truth to her as obvious as gravity. But like gravity, no matter how hard the mind tries to escape it, it pulls heavy on the heart.
So they agree she will have to feed on others. But with ground rules. The first and most important being, “No Dyson.” And Bo promises. She promises and we pray. Let this be a promise kept, let no more hearts be broken.
Of course, broken hearts aren’t the only things to worry about. Kenzi, having been officially shown the door by Hale, calls Bo desperately. The rash on her arm has gone full-blown flesh-eating virus. But before she can apply Neosporin she falls and gets yanked behind a dumpster. Looks like someone is finally going to be Subplot A next week.
KENZISM OF THE WEEK:
How to respond to your succubus best friend when she asks why everything must be about sex.
“Uh, WonderSnatch, hi — have we met?”
BOOBS O’CLOCK OF THE WEEK:
To quote John Mellencamp, come on baby make it hurt so good.
