Previously on Glee, Blaine Warbler found himself in possession of some confusing feelings about his crime-fighting sidekick, a conundrum experienced by many a man in cape and cowl over the spandexed years. Tina, too, got her Kinsey Scale all mixed up, and made a play for a gay. Kurt’s first day at NYADA prompted him to hop into a time machine — Destination: McKinley High, May 19, 2009 — and pull his self out of the dumpster and twirl his self around and give his self a hug and a dozen high fives and an It Gets Better pep talk of epic proportions. Rachel sang real pretty and did whatever codependency thing. And Santana and Quinn existed in an alternate reality where the sun always shines and the birds always sing and the clouds are made of marshmallows and always they are loved and sometimes they love each other. (Lesbian fandom. Lesbian fandom is where they existed.)
The Paris of Indiana Nightly News — with your co-anchors Andrea Carmichael and Rod Remington — leads with the story of Dalton Academy’s doping scandal and their subsequent disqualification from the Regional Show Choir Competition. On TV’s TV’s TV, Hunter Clarington III hulks out on reporters who want to know how he’s gonna blow his whistle now, and on TV’s TV, Andrea Carmichael flips her shit about how she can’t take it with this show anymore. She storms off screaming that’s she had it, that’s she’s had enough, that she is an educated woman and she DESERVES BETTER THAN THIS GARBAGE.
McKinley celebrates the Warbler’s DQ with cheers and an acknowledgement that they are still broke as hell, despite the fact that Will set off months ago on a journey to get them some money. But don’t you worry, Tina has got herself a fundraising idea solicited straight from the suggestion box at AfterElton.com: A Nude Directions calendar. It beats having Teen Jesus sell his hair or having Sam sell more of his semen, and also it’s the only chance Tina’s ever going to have to be in the same room with Blaine taking off his clothes.
Fondue for Two! Fondue for Two! Brittany is dressed like if Skipper came to life in 1984 after raiding Workforce Barbie’s closet. The cheese is hot, Lord Tubbington is a slumlord with a gambling addiction, and Brittany wants to know why Marley won’t just tell Jake she’s in love with him. Oh, also: bulimia jokes! Hahaha! Eating disorders, LOL! (Good to see you again, though, Lord Tubbington.)
Figgins calls Sam and Brittany to his office to make them take a blood test to prove they are not, in fact, siblings who are accidentally boffing each other. While he’s got their attention, he congratulates/ridicules them for having the highest/lowest SAT scores in the whole school. By creating connect-the-dots penises and unicorns on her scantron answer form, Brittany has brought home a 2340, while Sam’s score is more along the lines of the points you get just for filling in your name. Harvard, Princetown, Mit, Sanford & Son: The world is now Brittany’s Ivy League oyster. But she tells Sam not to worry. For one thing, he’ll always have his body to fall back on. And for another thing, even if she ends up across the country at the University of California at Charles Barkley’s house, she’s very loyal and they’ll always be together. Like she promised ol’ what’s her name, with the caustic wit and the angry Spanish and the legs for days. Havana? Bobana? Santana! That’s right, Santana! That girl she used to makeout with by rubbing their necks together!
I’m just joshing with ya’; Brittany has no idea who this Santana person is.
What happens next is Sam shows up at school wearing nothing but UGGs and board shorts and strutting in slow-motion to the Ferris Bueller soundtrack.
Blaine is like, “Hey, uh, did you not see that I ironed your uniform and left it in the BlamCave with a basket of delicious mini-muffins this morning?” Sam doesn’t need to be side-eyed by his side-kick right now, though, so he tries to back Blaine down with some pectoral shade-throwing. But Tina’s not having it. She says out loud the thing she wrote just last night in her Chanderson fanfic: “Blaine has an awesome body and a perky and delicious behind that looks like it got baked to perfection by some sort of master chef.”