Spencer is sitting on her staircase in the dark looking worse than when Mona hit Hanna with a car. She texts Toby and asks to meet up, but says no one can know. He’s like, “No one will. Bring your own body bag. JK! LOL!”
Back at the lesbian bar, which Dana Piccoli has named “The Rosebud,” Paige is touching her hands to Shana’s, I think, and then she does the famed McCullers head-dip, which: I know she’s just using this girl for information, but I do not like that one bit. I don’t even know how to describe what happens next because it is too good for me and too good for my words. A lesbian bartender puts a pink drink in Hanna’s hand, tells her it’s a Raspberry Flirtini, and that this gorgeous black hipster lesbian with amazing hair sent it over. Hanna flips around and sees the lesbian in question, seriously considers it for a moment, then turns back around and tries to give back the flirtini. Too late, though; the bartender is gone — and so on this hallowed eve, on this Ladies Night, Hanna Marin will be Queen of the Queers.
Aria texts Ezra to say: “Whoops, babe! Sorry!” But he doesn’t text back. Byron offers to make Aria a grilled cheese sandwich to make up for almost getting her murdered, and she would have graciously accepted, but Emily shows up to talk about Page Five and how Ali was pregnant. She’s like, “Listen, we’re the ones who are always saying we should take stuff to the cops, but Hanna and Spencer are always vetoing us. Well, Hanna is out cruising chicks and Spencer is blowing up God knows what. So, what do you say?” They agree to meet at the police station, rather than drive to the police station together, thereby proving that they should never be left to their own devices.
The Rosebud. Shana is drunk on pretzels, I guess, because she tells Paige that she misses her, for starters, and that if they play the uncut version of this song that keeps going “I’m better than her! I’m better than her! I’m better than her!” she’s going to have to kiss Paige. OK, so — hold up! Paige had a girlfriend before she got back together with Emily and it was costume shop Shana! God, that’s so amazing. This town has more gorgeous teenage lesbians than Sesame Street has muppets. When Shana says she’s going to kiss Paige, Hanna turns around like, “THE HELL YOU SAY!” but then she has to dive onto the floor to avoid being seen by them. She walks around down there like a duck for a good ten seconds. When she pops up, she is face-to-face with the girl who sent her the flirtini. It’s all fun and homo-dancing until flirtini girl’s girl comes back from the bathroom and throws a drink in Hanna’s face.
For starting a lesbian bar brawl, Hanna gets: carded.
Oh, Pretty Little Liars, marry me.