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“Lost Girl” Recap (3.02): A Powerful Thirst

Right, so I should be talking with you right now about how Kenzi and Vex went down to some underground, quite literally, avant garde party where they made like glowstick bracelet besties to help one of her friends solve some unexplained disappearances. But, let’s be honest, no one here cares about the plot setup. No one cares about the guy in the lame alligator costume who peed his pants and then winds up dead. And no one cares that Kenzi’s friend goes missing, too. No one cares even the teeniest, tiniest bit because, well, you know — this is happening.

Oh, yes. This. Is. Happening. Never in my life have I been happier that the frame-by-frame function exists.

Bo and Lauren are giving us the naked Doccubus sexytimes of our dreams. I mean, really, why read fanfic when it’s right there on the screen to just watch? In fact, it’s so hot Lauren bemoans their lack of a sufficient stock of sports drinks in the fridge. She tells Bo her medulla oblongata is screaming – for hydration. Well, I’m certain there was screaming but I’m not sure if it was just for electrolytes.

You know when you’ve been craving a drink of, shall we say, water for a very, very long time. You’re just so terribly thirsty. And the water is right in front of you but just out of reach for complicated reasons that may or may not included mythological superpowers, commitment issues and a girlfriend in a coma? But then, after so many small sips and even big gulps only to have the glass taken away, you finally, finally get to drink the whole thing down in one three-day bring that leaves you feeling exhausted and exhilarated and still, always, thirsty for more? Yeah, it was like that.

Lauren makes a joke about having to play dumb to repel Bo’s sexual attraction and we all laugh and laugh because, please, Dr. Hotpants could never play dumb. Trick calls and no one cares because kissing is happening. Then Bo wakes up for the second night in a row next to Lauren with the night terrors and Lauren asks if committing to her is that terrifying. She says it isn’t, but doesn’t tell her the real terror was her suckyface buffet on the unwitting guy outside the Dal. Poor Lauren, lied to and unable to finally get that drink of water.

Just then Kenzi barges in and is yelling about an alligator, pee, disappearance, underground. You know, normal Lost Girl stuff. Bo runs off to help but not before barking orders at Vex not to touch her girlfriend or risk losing his jingle balls. Girlfriend. That has such a nice ring to it. Let’s say it all together: Girlfriend. I like it.

In a sweaty gym somewhere a tall blonde glass of sport drink of another kind altogether walks in and sees Dyson boxing. She immediately bets $20 bucks against Wolf Boy and I like her already. Then she tells him she’s his new partner and he gets punched in the face. I mentioned I like her already, right?

Meet Tamsin, Dyson’s new Dark Fae partner. Oh, sorry, did I omit to tell you about the Dark Fae bit? It’s some sort of kumbaya workshare program between the two sides. Dyson doesn’t like it, which makes me like her even more. But introduction time is over because they already have an assignment: To track down and eliminate the sewer alligator Fae they think is responsible for snatching humans and Fae alike.

But before they can find gator boy, Bo and Kenzi head underground to find him first. What they find is a hipster Fae (I mean, really, suspenders and a Henley) with his eyes bandaged ripping the head out of a rat. This raw food diet really needs to stop.

Bo and Kenzi stumble into a whole roomful of unsavory folks, and a dead Fae guard who looked like lunch. Before they know it they’re standing in front of gator boy himself. Not that he can see them either because he lost his eyesight, but not his ability to pontificate. He’s a regular Atticus Gator, talking about how he was falsely quarantined and his family killed just so the Fae nobles could sweep their ugly Fae huddled masses under the rug. He seems really sympathetic, if a little long winded, until he locks our gals in a chamber and gases them.

Our detectives, meanwhile, are busy with the fake gator boy and their interpersonal skills. Dyson isn’t sure the wounds are real bite marks. And Tamsin isn’t sure Dyson can work with Dark Fae, or a woman for that matter. Calling out some workplace misogyny. I really do like her.

Luckily, our gals were just sleeping gasses because they wake up in each other’s arms with a cereal-eating Vex (in Bo’s robe, no less) watching them canoodle. He asks how it is for them to finally consummate their marriage after years of latent sexual tension and I laugh, but come on, that’s Lauren’s job. So they give him the pillow lashing her deserves. I still don’t entirely understand why Vex is living with them all Three’s Company style, but at least it’s funny.

Just then Dyson strolls into Bo’s bedroom eliciting frowns from gay ladies everywhere. Seriously, you don’t knock? What if that had been a day earlier? You’d have walked in on a marathon electrolyte-depleting session for the ages. Then Tamsin also strolls in, because privacy is a quaint and outdated notion.

Tamsin sizes up Bo and Bo sizes up Tamsin. I’m 1,000 percent on Team Lauren, but that’s kind of hot. Bo comes down to the office and there is the requisite awkward small talk with an ex routine between her and Dyson. Tamsin rolls her eyes to infinity and then gets down to her own interrogation. She accuses Bo of putting a Dark Fae guy into a coma after succu-facing him in an alley. Which, um, she totally did. Bo denies it, Dyson defends her. Guess Tamsin and Bo aren’t going to be besties after all.

Now, as much as I should dislike her for disliking Bo, I have to like Tamsin for disliking Dyson even more. Because her next move is to pour coffee all over his desk. And then she questions his intelligence saying, “Because when God was handing out brains you took a second dick?” Did I say I liked Tamsin? Yeah, scratch that, I love Tamsin.

While Dyson and Tamsin are cementing their love/hate sexual tension (yet another reason to love her — distraction!), Bo gives the guard the love touch and slips out. Meanwhile Dyson and Tamsin are getting chewed out by their boss, some wimpy looking midlevel manager who reminds Dyson the orders come from the Ash himself. Speaking of the Ash, I miss Hale and his abs.

Knowing the po-po will be hot on their hot little tails, Bo and Kenzi are packing for another trip to the sewers when missing friend Aussie wanders in. He acts like nothing happened, then starts bleeding from the nose and eyes which is the universal sign for something bad happened. The consult the Dream Weaver Fae, who is supposed to be helping Bo with her nightmares, to figure out what happened.

Long story short, a bad Fae has been feeding off of humans and Fae alike and keeping them locked away for midnight snacks in an old shipyard. Bo brings them to the police station, but not before Tamsin can slam her against the wall, which, again, I am not hating.

But Bo doesn’t think Atticus Gator did it. The detective’s boss orders them to kill him anyway. Bo escapes, again. Really, letting the same guard who got succu-whammied before watch her? And Tamsin is actually impressed by Bo through her hatred of her. See, those two could totally be friends.

Hale shows up at police headquarters (p.s. His cover story for leaving is winning the lottery) and tells Dyson it may seem harsh, but his orders to relocate the Gator Fae is the most humane way to deal with them. Which, even a guy with two dicks instead of a brain can tell is different than killing them.

Indeed, their boss turns out to be a pied piper who likes to snack on humans and yummy Fae and framed it all on the gators. He’s one of the creepier Fae we’ve seen because mind control plus long skinny Stretch Armstrong fingers are always horrifying. He lures his victims by controlling their eyes. Which sort of doesn’t make sense because he says it’s his music that transfixes them. Still, nice touch by naming him Robert Hamelin, after the legend of the Pied Piper of Hamelin. Instead of bringing him to justice, Bo decides another sort of justice is more fitting for him. So they bury him in the sewers with Atticus and his fangs. And it looks like Fae sushi is on his dinner menu.

Back in the gym, Dyson and Tamsin are finally sparring with more than just words. She gets a good right cross in to his face and then another and another. This new gal, she can stay. She then plants a wet one on Dyson and Team Lauren lets out a whoop and sends her a muffin basket. Still, she says she won’t be cool with Dyson until her coma victim wakes up and Bo pays for what she did. So that’s a tad problematic.

Case solved, Atticus absolved, Bo finally gets her session with the Dream Weaver. Which ends abruptly when she runs away practically screaming in terror. Because what she sees is Bo on another one of those trendy raw diets.

KENZISM OF THE WEEK:

“I am a riddle, wrapped in an enigma, shrouded with oooh, sooky sooky now.”

BOOBS O’CLOCK OF THE WEEK:

Two for the price of one.

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