Editor’s Note: This post is satire.
Is there anything worse than a talented, intelligent woman accomplishing great things while doing feminism the wrong way? No. No, there is not. When I look at female actors and writers and musicians who have made a name for themselves, I don’t think about what an inspiration they are in a society where the glass ceiling still exists, or where politicians attempt to hijack our vaginas on the regular, or where magazine culture cultivates an impossible standard of beauty, or where the advertising industry wants us to hate ourselves. I don’t even think about how much I enjoy their music and books and TV shows. Instead, what I like to do is climb into my ideological echo chamber — or hop onto the internet — and shout until I’m convinced the ghost of Simone de Beauvoir has been placated.
So, here’s a list of 11 amazing, powerful, pro-women women who have pulled feminist ideology out of the ether and lived it out in a messy world. Sure they have achieved great success while promoting social, political, and economic equality, but who cares about that? There’s only one way to do feminism and these women did it wrong, wrong, wrong.
Who runs the world? Girls! Or so Beyoncé — the richest, most revered musician of our time — wants to make you think she thinks should be true. Why else would she sing about female empowerment and why else would she have said this in a recent interview with GQ:
Nice try, Bey! But the feminist blogs tell me the reason you’re so good at looking good and dancing good and singing good and moving your body in truly extraordinary ways is because you’re pandering to the male gaze. It’s not that you’re proud of your body and your skills and that you’re claiming your sexuality as your own and doing with it whatever you damn well please; it’s that you’re in the business of giving men boners. That’s your main thing.
First female head writer on Saturday Night Live, four truckloads of Emmys and Golden Globes and SAG and WGA awards, NYT bestselling memoirist, beloved showrunner, Mean Girls scribe, mom, wife. Pretty much the beacon of inspiration for those wide-eyed “third-wave” feminists. OK, but what about the fact that Liz Lemon, her fictional meta-counterpart, was a neurotic single woman who was ridiculed by the male characters on her show for eating too many sandwiches and wearing too many lesbian shoes? Huh? What about that? And then how about the fact that she got married to a man in the final season of 30 Rock? Marriage is the way The Man keeps us down! Even if that marriage happens in a Princess Leia costume.
Blah, blah, blah, most well-traveled, beloved Secretary of State of all time. Trotting around the globe advocating for equality for all human beings. Every Democrat’s first choice for the 2016 presidency. I think what we’re forgetting, though, that she dropped her maiden name, “Rodham,” and sometimes even called herself “Mrs. Bill Clinton” when her husband was in office because it freaked out southern voters. And let’s not forget that she stay married to her husband even after he engaged in the most highly publicized sex scandal of all time. When I read about “Mrs. Bill Clinton” digging drinking wells with her bare hands in Rwanda, all I can think about is how she sold all us women out back in the ’90s.