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“Lost Girl” Recap (3.01): Lock me up and throw away the key

Sirens blare followed by the unmistakable click click click of the high-heeled boots of one very special, very naughty Succubus. Bo saunters out of a bank, large satchel at her side. Wait, holy crap, did Bo just rob a bank? Yeah, Lost Girl is back and it’s already breaking the law, breaking the law.

Our little lawbreaker runs into two unsavory characters in an alley while making her cool, calm and collected getaway. But, like with Buffy and so many strong women before her, don’t be fooled by the nice girl in a bad situation routine. She dispatches the baddies with a few swift blows, but not before one of them commits the cardinal sin of slicing her face. Repeat after me, criminals of the world, not the face!

Of course, now Bo needs a little Faelift, so she grabs the nearest douchey bouncer and sucks a little chi. The cut disappears and she celebrates by making it rain outside the club. I never have experiences like this waiting in line. I only get cutters and weird strangers who stand too close, not beautiful mystical species who offer to pay for everyone’s drinks. I clearly go to the wrong places.

But then there are other footsteps, growly ones. To collective groan of lesbians and bisexual women across the globe, Dyson emerges. He’s hot on Bo’s trail for the last three weeks, when her little crime spree began. Bo seeks shelter at the Dal, where he gets far too close for comfort with her, but in a bad handcuffs not fun handcuffs kind of way. Everyone acts appalled at her actions: Dyson, Kenzi, Trick. Aw, hi guys, I missed you. Not you, Wolf Boy.

Bo is all defiant, talking about fun and wanting to have lots of it.  As Wolfie drags her off in cuffs, she says to the everyone within earshot: “I’m Bo, bitches, and I’ll be back!”

Side note: As an American viewer, I feel compelled to mention that we’re being deprived the delicious Lost Girl opening theme with its weekly replaying of the back graze felt around the lesboverse. The Syfy version cuts the entire opening credits, which is a necessary evil to save on time, but still. That first Doccubus touch gets me every time.

Back to the action. Bo-Bo is in the pokey. And I’m starting to worry this place takes the poke part literally. Some rather imposing looking female prison guards catalogue her belongings: stolen Cartier earrings, stolen gold watch, legally acquired and liberally used Silver Bullet vibrator. Well, the good doctor can’t be around all the time I guess.

Bo, sensing her fame as the unaligned Succubus has preceded her, asks about the peanut gallery watching her arrival. All the guards and one very tall blonde lady wearing a dress with a slit up to the North Pole stare hungrily down at her. The blonde lady even licks her lips. Oh, kittens, this is going to be good.

The guard says they are there for her decontamination and then, as promised, they all ogle at her as she showers alone and very naked. Now, you can’t necessarily blame them. I’d want a peek too. But still, the skeeziness is palpable.

Bo talks the long walk to her cell in the most fashion-forward prison jump suit I have ever seen. Like, really, I would commit crime just to get to wear one of those zip-front, high-collar, low-cut, red-hot numbers. The chic duds combined with the salty catcalls are making everything feel very Caged Heat. I’m almost embarrassed at how much I love the exploity (not a word, go with it) girls-in-prison vibe. Let’s change the name to Pulp Girl and do this every week.

Bo tries to give her special touch (not to be confused with bad touch, which you should always tell an adult about) to the guard. But she gives Bo a, “Bitch, please” look back. Ruh-roh, Shaggy. Inside she meets her cellmate, Sylvie. She’s a hiccupy little thing incarcerated for stealing a loaf of bread for her starving family. It’s all very Les Miseables and Bo calls her Jean Valjean, to which she replies, “I’m Sylvie, we just met.” Snort.

The new cellies exchange life stories. Sylvie’s mom won’t open her letters. Bo’s mom slept with her (ex-)boyfriend and tried to kill her. Bo says she relies on her friends, who are more than family. Damn right they are.

Bo inquires about the feminazi guards. Yeow. I am not a fan of any word Rush Limbaugh uses on the regular. But we’ll let it slide in the spirit of pulp and fun and as a continuing thank you for those jumpsuits. Sylvie tells her they are all man-hating Amazons, who won’t fraternize with or take orders from anyone with a Y chromosome. They even abandon their male babies. Charming, maternal and Taser carrying. Somehow Wonder Woman left that stuff of her biography.

Bo gets sent to the nurse, and we hear a familiar voice behind a partition says, “Put her on the table.” I’ve created elaborate dream sequences that didn’t start out this well. From behind the curtain pops, hold onto your ovaries, Dr. Lauren Lewis. I will now pause for everyone to find some ice cubes or a cold pack to calm the raging fever that has suddenly overtaken your entire body. That voice. Those eyes. That labcoat.

Dr. Hotpants is as hot as ever. Bo gives her her sad history: “I’ve loved, I’ve lost. My dog’s done run away.” Lauren is having none of that because, seriously, have you seen how hot Bo looks in that jumpsuit? So she commands, “On the table, now.” More ice for everyone, STAT. The good doctor tells the guard to go polish her baton and now there’s not enough ice in the world.

Bo calls her badass, which she is, and Lauren calls her a bad girl, which she is. Turns out this has all been the “best role play ever” as Bo is pretending to be very naughty indeed to go undercover at Hecuba Prison. They believe something very bad has happened to Lauren’s former mentor, Dr. Everett, who has disappeared. And Lauren has infiltrated as the new prison doctor and a Fae that smells quite pungent thanks to the skunk ape glands she rubbed all over herself. Hey, stinky Lauren is still Lauren. I’d totally hit that. We all would.

Lauren next breaks all of our hearts by presenting Bo with a rock. OK, fine, it really is just a rock — more like a special stone that will help her use her Fae powers inside the prison. Bo doesn’t let the significance pass and says, “A giant rock this early in our relationship? Are you saying you want a commitment?” Lauren doesn’t let the moment pass either, “Are you saying this is a relationship?” Oh my God, you two. Kiss now and forever.

Just then the blonde amazon walks in and kills the moment. She’s the prison warden and, by her wanky clothing choices, I’d guess moonlights as a dominatrix on the weekends. Also, there’s that riding crop she menaces Lauren with. See here now lady, be as pervy as you want with Bo. But lay one creepy finger on Dr. Hotpants and it’ll be an Amazons v. Lesbians throwdown for the ages.

Back at the Dal, Kenzi is going on about how this crazy plan will never work. So she goes running to the new Ash. Who is…Hale? Yep, our favorite Siren is the new acting Ash. And his headquarters are in the Dal’s banquet room, apparently. It was his idea to send Bo and Lauren into the prison to root out corruption and make a name for himself as the new Ash. Kenzi knows the real reason is “because of your stupid penis” that the Amazons won’t listen to him. Kenzi, girl, I’ve missed you.

Warden Wanky reassigns Bo to a “special” assignment in her office. That “special” assignment involves scrubbing her office floors with a toothbrush on all fours while wearing an itsy bitsy maids uniform. The warden tells her to “scrub a little — slower” and the view is amazing. Oh, Boobs O’Clock, we’ve missed you most of all. I mean, horrible exploitation. Feminism. Sisterhood. Gloria Steinem.

A guard walks in with a serious looking briefcase. This prison is high-tech enough to have laser eye recognition software for the warden’s inner sanctum, which is weird because everything else looks straight out of 1974. After showing her the sealed vial contents, the guard asks Warden Wanky how long she’ll keep doing this, whatever this is. That earns her a slap on the face and a talk about doing everything to keep the Amazons strong. Next thing you know she’s going to start handing out Amazon Strong bracelets. It worked so well for Lance Armstrong.

Released from her sexploitation duties, Bo wanders the yard with Sylvie and gets an eyeful of prisoners making out. Sylvie tells her the prison has a terrible recidivism rate, with inmates coming back all the time even worse than before. But she’s going to be different because, look how plucky and unable to understand pop culture references she is.

Just then a guard grabs Sylvie and threatens her with a beatdown. Bo tells her to pick on someone her own size, because she’s Bo and her hero complex is not a joke. After a few blows from that freshly polished baton, Bo puts the whammy on the guard, getting a little needed face suck time.

This earns Bo a trip to the “warden’s office,” which is really a back room where she can be sprayed down with a hose, fondled by Warden Wanky and then have the crap beaten out of her by the guards. It’s terrible, horrible, so degrading. I totally did not rewind to watch the warden feel up a soaking wet Bo again.

The warden finds Bo’s special stone, though Bo plants a wet one — emphasis on wet — on the warden just in case there’s any residual power. And then poor Bo-Bo gets shellacked by the guards. Though the warden at least knows what’s what. She tells them to spare her face. We all want her pretty.

Lauren finds a battered Bo on the ground and makes that concerned face we all love. But Bo is even more concerned about her and says she is going to have Hale pull her out of the prison for her safety. Lauren of course insists she stay to find out what happened to Dr. Everett. They uncover some weird medical procedures being done on soon-to-be-released prisoners.

Lauren is perplexed her mentor might have been up to no good and Bo assures her that feelings aren’t always black or white, and hers definitely aren’t. A frustrated Lauren echoes the entire Doccubus fandom and says, “Well, just once I wish you could be sure.”

She soon recovers from her moment of brutal honest and confesses, sheepishly, that the skunk ape injections are jacking up her hormones. Bo says she gets it, that Lauren deserves more. Bo says they’re in Dyson’s capable hands now to help with the investigation. Again, never missing a beat, Lauren replies, “You could do better.”

Speaking of Wolf Boy, he’s not as good as Bo thinks apparently because he needs Vex’s help to uncover the prison’s dirty little secret. The prisoners go in but none come out. p.s. This show needs more Vex and more Kenzi.

Speaking of Little Mama, she’s receiving a special package — not like that, ew — from Dyson. She’ll be heading into Hecuba undercover as well. Wolf Boy wants to come but as Kenzi so succinctly puts it, “You know the rule, no wangs allowed.” Face of an angel, voice of a poet, indeed.

The only problem with our little sassy friend Skipper is that she seems to be solidly on Team Dyson. She inquires about his returned love, since she went all Texas Chainsaw Massacre on the Norn and returned his love for Bo to him. Kenzi tells him to hurry up and tell Bo because an “extra hot human with legs to spare” might snap up his girl instead. She’s not wrong about that description.

Despite her unfortunate team alliance, Kenzi gets a pass because she’s willing to show up in the wild Amazonian prison as Bo’s honey bee in her best red neck trucker babe gear — complete with monster truck thong (“Go method or go home”) — to help her. As the tells the flabbergasted guard about being human, “The shorter the lifespan, the deeper the quicksand.”

We’re going to have to pause for a moment to really luxuriate in the magnificence of this scene. The strut. The outfit. The hair. The heels. Kenzi being the Kenziest Kenzi ever, she jokes about Lauren’s lame cover as a doctor and having to cut the crust off of her own bread. Also she itches that “rash” we are sure will make another appearance sometime later in the season. Then our BFFs make out and I can’t say I hate it. I mean, sure, it’s wrong. But hot wrong.

The super smooch was all just to pass Bo a coded contact lens to let her get into the prison’s ridiculously high-tech security system. Once inside, she discovers unopened vials of what the guards were bringing the warden, a creepy prison nursery with observation deck and her former cellmate Sylvie who was supposedly released and is now miraculously with child. Before they can try to escape — because who would notice a giant pregnant lady and prisoner in a bright red jumpsuit — Sylvie’s water breaks.

Bo takes her to Lauren, because Lauren fixes everything. So, naturally in this time of crisis, Lauren starts to take off her pants. Sylvie is a Fae with highly adapted olfactory senses and the skunk ape secretions will make the baby blow up like a party balloon. Hey, whatever it takes to get Dr. Hotpants pantless is fine by me.

Bo protests, she’ll expose herself as human. Lauren says Bo will protect her, she always does. And off come the pants and boom goes our hearts — and other organs. Also, while it hardly seems possible, she’s as hot in dumpy blue scrubs. Hello, abs, please come visit more often.

They deliver Sylvie’s beautiful baby bird boy and Bo and Lauren hold him together and discuss baby names. Lauren likes Ethan for a boy, Charlotte for a girl. Bo asks is she wants babies and Lauren says “absolutely.” It’s a beautiful Fae-ther has two mommies moment. In fact, to make this beautiful moment of maternal Doccubus love a reality I’d forgo my longstanding hatred of the pregnant lesbian storyline.

Just then, Warden Wanky comes in to maternal-block the happy family picture. Your timing is just the worst, lady. You see, the warden has been breeding and selling the babies of rare Fae. The prison is just an elaborate black market adoption racket. They used a Liderc, a shape-shifting trickster Fae with an accelerated gestation cycle, to impregnate the women.

Bo wonders aloud why the Amazons, a proud and noble race, would go along with such a sleazy scheme. All it takes is one charismatic leader and, bam, everyone’s goose stepping, eh? Just then Lauren tries to call for help and the warden sends 9,000 volts of electricity through her. Someone hurt Lauren? Time for Super Bo to appear. And you wouldn’t like her when she’s angry.

As Bo and Lauren are learning Warden Wanky’s evil baby farm scheme, and her intent to breed Bo, the rest of the gang decides it’s time to spring into action, finally. But before they can Bo takes her one shot at freeing them all. So, naturally, she plants a big wet one on the warden. Um, sweetie darling, no powers, remember?

But wait, it wasn’t to feel her chi. It was to confirm her stubble. To quote Austin Powers, “That’s a man, baby!” In fact, it’s the male Liderc in question. The warden didn’t use the, spooge — to use a scientific term — that was in the vials after all.  One of the prison guards does an indelicate grab to the nether regions to confirm it and the warden is dragged off by some very, very, very pissed off Amazons.

Now I have heard there were a few complaints about the last scene being possibly transphobic. Which I can understand. Particularly about the method of confirmation, which has been used in the media, and sadly real life, to humiliate and violate transgender people. But I believe this case is different in that this isn’t necessarily a person trying to live her truth, but a trickster trying to fool people for ill-gotten gains. Also, in the context of the Lost Girl universe, the show has never once made an issue of sexuality or portrayed its LGBT characters as anything less than fully realized humans — well, Fae — like everyone else. And with the good comes the bad. Some of the Fae are ostensibly straight, some are gay, some are good, some are bad. Their sexuality does not drive their moral compass. At least, that’s how I see it.

And now, back to the show. Bo releases the prisoners and saves the day, again. Now there’s nothing left to do but look up at Lauren, her eyes now soft, and say, “Time to go, human lover.” They kiss, because my God, is that long overdue.

And then Bo tells Lauren it’s time to give their relationship a real shot. She wants them to be together because life is too short. Lauren looks up with those enormous brown eyes and says, “Really.” Excuse me, I need to go get some paper towels. My heart just melted right out of my chest.

They kiss again, because how could they not? Just then Dyson and Kenzi run up and see them locked in lips together. Even Wolf Boy has to admit they look happy. And we all smile and sigh and press rewind, rewind, rewind, rewind.

Later at the Dal, Bo and Trick are congratulating themselves on another successful completion to a crazy ass scheme. Kenzi inquires about the good doctor and Bo says she’s at home and will “check on her later.” Yes, Kenzi, that’s apparently what the kids are calling it these days. For her heroics, Bo learns Sylvie has decided to name her son Bo. Aw.

But before the warming glow of namesakehood can get too cozy, Bo gets all existential about her heritage again. About how her mother was used like the warden used the prisoners. And how her father is a monster. Does that make her a monster? Trick reassures her she’s not evil. But the poor random guy she drains of chi in the alley on the way to see her girlfriend — yeah, we all caught her calling Lauren her girlfriend — begs to differ.

And there come those old blue eyes again. Brace yourselves, it’s bound to be a monstrous season.

Boobs O’Clock of the Week:

You didn’t think I’d leave you hanging, now did you? So, what did you think of the season opener. I know, I know. Doccubus now, Doccubus forever.

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